Mixed Nuts

Catherine O'Shaughnessy:
I'm not like you, Philip. I'm not one of those people that's only good on the phone. In person you just blame everybody. You made a mistake at the office, you gave out the address! Did I blame you? No! I blamed the Santa Anas! I don't even know what the Santa Anas are!

Philip:
They're the dry winds that blow in from the...

Catherine O'Shaughnessy:
Oh, shut up!

Mrs. Munchnik:
A fruitcake?

Philip:
Yes.

Mrs. Munchnik:
Remarkably like the one I gave you last year.

Felix:
Look what I got for you!

Felix:
This means that we can have the baby in a hospital for free! All we have to do is swear that we're completely broke and have absolutely no way of supporting ourselves and never will.

Gracie Barzini:
Oh God! Felix, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...

Felix:
Honey, you are the only person in my whole life who has never hurt my feelings.

Gracie Barzini:
...you're a loser.

Susan:
My psychiatrist thinks we should break up.

Philip:
What? I didn't know you were going to a psychiatrist.

Susan:
Well I'm not actually going to one. I've been dating one for four months.

Philip:
This is so sudden!

Susan:
I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, I really wanted to fax you. But you don't even *have* a fax!

Philip:
May I put you on hold while I run to my desk? Uh...you're not calling from a bridge or holding a weapon?

Hotline Caller:
No.

Philip:
Good.

Philip:
Just remember that in every pothole there is hope. Well, you see, pothole is spelled P-O-T-H-O-L-E. So if you take the P, and add it to the H, the O, and the E, and rearrange the letters...or contrariwise, you remove the O, T, and the L, you get "hope". So, just remember, in every pothole there is hope!

Mrs. Munchnik:
Well I'm simply crushed. Here I have waited my whole life for you, and now you don't even want me. Do go on! I believe you were discussing my cherry? (caller hangs up) I am so good at this, and soon I will be left high and dry, with no outlet for my talent.