Monkey Dust

Ivan Dobsky:
I didn't do it! I only said I did it so they'd take the rat out of my anus!

Ivan Dobsky:
Ooh The Carpenters! They're my favorite! I bet Karen's old and fat now!

Ivan Dobsky:
[sees Nelson Mandela] Ohhhh Mr Drummond! Help! Its that Nelson Bonjela! The most feared terrorist in the whole of South Africa!

Mr Drummond:
Ivan it might be simpler if you just reversed all your 1970s preconceptions.

Paedofinder General:
Did you not induce Mr Whippy to give your daughter a 69?

Man on the beach:
No, a 99.

Paedofinder General:
Well, that's LIKE a 69 but 30 worse!

Paedofinder General:
All gays are paedophiles. It is written in stone. On the wall behind the bus shelter, where I wrote it.

Paedofinder General:
By the power vested in me by mawkish ITV documentaries presented by Martin Bashir, I now pronounce you... a paedophile.

Ivan Dobsky:
I never done it! I only said I done it so they wouldn't give me another jalfrezi enema!