Moral Orel

[Orel knocks on the door to his dad's study]

Clay:
[gloomily] Why?

[short pause]

Clay:
I mean, yes?

Orel:
Boy Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.

Doughy:
Orel! You know you're not supposed to think when it comes to god and faith.

Clay:
Orel, love gets in the way of the important things in life. Like going to sleep or being left alone.

Reverend Putty:
Guilt is for Catholics.

Orel:
Look, Sampson! Crack! Hurrah!

[repeated line]

Clay:
Stinking dead-end job...

Clay:
But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.

Orel:
Slang?

Clay:
Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.

Orel:
I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.

Clay:
Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.

Doughy:
Hey, Orel, what did you get for number seven on the Anatomy test?

Orel:
Evil.

Doughy:
Oh, of course.

Clay:
You see, I like to watch your mother be a housewife to another family. It excites me when I see her being distant with another man and his children. It's called voyeurism.

Clay:
Sadness is nature's spankings. It means you learned your lesson twice as well.

Reverend Putty:
Principal Fakey is right, Orel. Regular murder is bad enough, but in one disgusting act you murdered millions of potential people.

Orel:
Whoops.

Reverend Putty:
Whoops is right. That's a major sin, my boy.

Orel:
But, I didn't know.

Reverend Putty:
Orel, haven't you heard the handy rhyme? Number One, gold like God made the sun. Number Two, good Lord help me go poo. Number Three, the devil sets my sperm free.

Clay:
Babies are made by God's chef visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injects them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag.

Clay:
Spilling your seed wastefully is a sin. But it's also a sin to procreate in odd, exciting ways. Men and women have only one holy position and that's called the missionary position.

Orel:
The missionary position?

Clay:
Yes! It's the most loving and satisfying position the Bible has to offer.

Clay:
And of course, it's the all-important lost 12th Commandment. Thou shalt only have sex face to face, man on top.

Orel:
That explains a lot. I was on top, though.

Clay:
[holds up pastry bag] Yeah, well it's also a sin to use fun equipment.

Clay:
You and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children so your mother and I have decided to stay together, if only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that's none of their business.

Bloberta Puppington:
I'd say God wants different people to be separated from us, Orel. That's why He put Europe all the way over wherever He put it.

Clay:
Your intentions were righteous but it just so happens that this time righteous was wrong-tious.

Orel:
Wow.

Clay:
You see, somehow you've turned things topsy-turvy, young man. You've made it inconvenient for the racists, not the racers and at that point, why even discriminate?

Doughy:
Is being a policeman scary?

Officer Papermouth:
No, son. I'm never scared when I'm out on the beat, and I'll tell you why. It's because I have the best darn team backing me up on those streets. Officers God and Jesus. I know that God protects me from all danger and that Jesus guides my bullets straight into the brains and lungs of lawless slime.

Doughy:
Gee, I hope it's not too scary.

Orel:
Hope, Doughy? If you pray, you get your way. If you hope, the answer's nope.

Orel:
But he's God, Reverend. Isn't everthing He does good?

Reverend Putty:
No. Not by a long shot! Everything He does is right but that's very different. Now, do us all a favor and repent before you make the whole town go up in flames.

Orel:
I sure will. Bye, Reverend. And thanks. Now I know that God is the scariest monster of all on Halloween.

Reverend Putty:
But also remember that the Lord's terror is not just for one day. You must keep it in your heart all year round.

Doctor Potterswheel:
It's not healthy to be dead that long!

Orel Puppington:
Clay, are you church-ready?

Bloberta Puppington:
You betty-church-church! And a-church we church!

Orel Puppington:
Ooh, I feel extra churchy today!

Bloberta Puppington:
And I church church churchiful churchy!

Orel Puppington:
Church church church!

Bloberta Puppington, Orel Puppington:
[singing] Churchy church! Churchy church! Churchy churchy CHURCH!

Orel:
Hey, Dad, want to play catch with me?

Clay:
Has gravity gone away, Orel?

Orel:
No, sir.

Clay:
Then, don't ask me to take the place of something the good Lord has already provided for you.

Principal Fakey:
In short, your little Bobby is extremely creative and a freethinker so therefore he's suspended for three weeks.

Clay:
Love is a very beautiful, very intense feeling for a startlingly short period of time. Before long you realize it gets in the way of the real important thing in life like going to sleep or being left alone. That's when love starts to fade and lies kick in.

Orel:
But, how long does it actually take for love to fade?

Clay:
Quicker than you think, kid. Quicker than you think.

Bloberta Puppington:
You see, animals have no soul whatsoever. That's what makes it so tasty when we eat and drink them.

Clay:
God doesn't want you to be loyal to one friend and disloyal to other friends at the same time, Orel. You know the lost 18th Commandment. Thou shalt be loyal to all thy friends at the same time.

Clay:
You have never been on my side!

Bloberta Puppington:
Why would I be on the side of a self-destructive alcoholic?

Clay:
I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night.

Clay:
Behaving like a grown-up is many things. First and foremost, it's doing things that you hate doing.

Orel Puppington:
Like doing what pop?

Clay:
Like dealing with people that make you unhappy... being stressed about things you have no control over... and working soul numbing jobs.

Orel Puppington:
Ohh

Clay:
Then, gradually, as we endure these hardships and accept them as normal, that's when we've finally earned the right to get drunk and be emotionally distant from our families.

Miss. Censordall:
We shouldn't tolerate evil just because it's convenient.

Clay:
Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital and found you weren't sick or injured.

Clay:
I'm surprised at you, Orel. You know that only God and the government can decide who lives and who dies.

Orel:
But God is in me, Dad.

Clay:
Well, sure, there's a bit of God in all of us just not enough to really do any good.

Orel:
Really?

Clay:
Besides, God obviously wanted that woman to stay alive or he would have finished her off himself without your help.

Orel:
But why would he want her to suffer, Dad?

Clay:
Oh, suffering is a big part of God's plan so it could have been for a number of different reasons. Maybe she was a loose woman or maybe she didn't love Jesus the same way we do. Or maybe she loved another woman the wrong way.

Orel:
[after trying to call Clay] No one's there. Gosh, he's gotta come home on Easter and all.

Bloberta Puppington:
[while searching frantically] Handkerchief, handkerchief, handkerchief, handkerchief, handkerchief, handkerchief, handkerchief, handkerchief...

Shapey Puppington:
Mommy?

Bloberta Puppington:
Not now Shapey, no milk.

Shapey Puppington:
[His first complete sentence] When I'm thirsty, it feels, how I feel when I'm alone.

Bloberta Puppington:
What?

Orel:
Golly, things sure have changed around here.

Reverend Putty:
Yes, well, the Lord's logic is very complex when it comes to hating nipples. You see, with men, he...

Satanist:
Look, our concept of Satan is pre-Christian and derived from the pagan image of power, virility, sexuality, and sensuality and whatnot. Satan is more a force of nature. Not a living quasi-diety and whatnot.

Reverend Putty:
You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talkin about: Jesus, our Saviour! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary. Jesus was an unplanned birth that really made a name for itself. Like if Joseph had refused to let the baby grow within Mary, who knows what this building would be right now... maybe even a synagogue! But because Joseph had the moral goodness to raise the "surprise;" we are safe and warm here in a Protestant church. Amen, and merry Christmas...

Orel:
Boy, God. This sure didn't turn out to be the best Christmas ever. But You still have two minutes left... and I have faith in You. [Orel looks up to the sky as the camera is pulled back and Orel becomes smaller and smaller. Episode end]

Miss Sculptham:
The French people were some of the foreigners who were actually our allies during the war. Can anyone tell me some other ways World War II was bad? All right. We'll resume this lesson tomorrow.

Orel:
Miss Sculptham, I have a question.

Miss Sculptham:
You heard the bell, Orel. No more learning today.

Orel:
I was wondering, what's the best way to find out what your wife needs to be happy?

Clay:
Well, I suppose the best way to know what any woman needs is to read about what other men think women need.

Coach Stopframe:
[after discovering Orel's penis has been pierced, Coach Stopframe calls Orel's father] Clay, it's Daniel. Saw a little addition to your son's anatomy just now and I'm hoping it's not genetic.

Stephanie:
You're gonna need some time out in that sun if you're ever gonna grow. You're a good kid. Just stay that way and that'll be all you need to make your woman happy.

Orel:
Ok. You know, you really should think about getting married. You'd make a pretty good mom.

Stephanie:
Thanks. Take care, Orel. [Orel leaves] Uh oh. Maternal pang. [Stephanie pierces herself above her eye and smiles] All gone.

Orel:
Everyone buried in the cemetery is sinning, Doughy. Like the good Reverend said... Lazarus did not reject Jesus's greatest gift of life but all these people did! They're spitting in God's face.

Doughy:
Hey Orel, want to come over to my house and play?

Orel:
Gee can I, Mom?

Bloberta Puppington:
All right. But don't take any rides from stranger son.

Orel:
Why?

Clay, Bloberta Puppington:
Because you're in your good Sunday suit!

Clay:
Nudity is a horrible thing and should only be committed as a last resort. You know the 11th commandment. Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.

Orel:
Oh, yeah. Those lost Commandments always throw me off.

Clay:
Gee Dad, I'm sorry I goofed up. I was just trying to be good so you could love me more than you do now.

Clay:
Oh Orel, I could never love you more. People only have a certain amount of love in them and I'm afraid I have to divide mine up between at least a dozen people.

Orel:
Oh.

Clay:
But remember, son, I love you enough.

Orel:
I love you enough, too, Dad.

Orel:
[Reading from the Nercronomican to bring the dead back to life] I conjure thee by the fire of Girra, and by the lights of Shamash. In the name of the Covenant, come and rise before me! [Says Satanic Verses]

Doughy:
That doesn't Sound very Protestant, Oral.

Orel:
Well... At least it's not Catholic

Clay:
Only track? Young man, track is very important for your future. What happens when you grow up and need to sprint thirty meters to the unemployment office?

Bloberta Puppington:
And remember the 14th commandment. Thou shalt always clean thy plate and not waste anything whether thy stomach is full or not.

Orel Puppington:
I guess you could say this victory is bitter sweet. Especially for everyone who's been drinking my special energy juice. You see the, sweet is that we won state! [Crowd cheers] The bitter is that you've all been drinking my urine.