Mr. Deeds Goes to Town

Longfellow Deeds:
Even his hands are oily.

Longfellow Deeds:
He talks about women as if they were cattle.

Walter:
Every man to his taste, sir.

Longfellow Deeds:
Tell me, Walter, are all these stories I hear about my uncle true?

Walter:
Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as twenty in the house at the same time.

Longfellow Deeds:
Twenty! What did he do with them?

Walter:
That is something I was never able to find out, sir.

Longfellow Deeds:
People here are funny. They work so hard at living they forget how to live.

Longfellow Deeds:
When the servant comes in, Mr. Hallor, I'm going to ask him to show you to the door. Many people don't know where it is.

John Cedar:
Do you know the defendant, Mr. Longfellow Deeds?

Jane Faulkner:
Oh yes, yes, of course we know him.

John Cedar:
How long have you known him?

Jane Faulkner:
Since he was born.

Amy Faulkner:
Yes, Elsie Taggart was the midwife.

Jane Faulkner:
He was a seven months' baby.

John Cedar:
Thank you, that's, that's fine. Do you see him very often?

Jane Faulkner:
Most every day.

Amy Faulkner:
Sometimes twice.

Judge May:
Must we have the echo?

John Cedar:
Suppose you just answer, Miss Jane. Now, will you tell the court what everybody at home thinks of Longfellow Deeds?

Jane Faulkner:
They think he's pixilated.

Amy Faulkner:
Oh, yes, pixilated.

Judge May:
He's what?

John Cedar:
What was that you said he was?

Jane Faulkner:
Pixilated.

Amy Faulkner:
Mm-hmm.

John Cedar:
Now that's rather a strange word to us, Miss Jane. Can you tell the court exactly what it means?

Judge May:
Oh. Is that correct?

Jane Faulkner:
Mm-hmm.

Amy Faulkner:
Mm-hmm.

John Cedar:
Your Honor, what she is saying has no bearing on the case. I object!

Judge May:
Let her speak!

Babe Bennett:
I know why he won't defend himself! That has a bearing on the case, hasn't it? He's been hurt, he's been hurt by everybody he met since he came here, principally by me. He's been the victim of every conniving crook in town. The newspapers pounced on him, made him a target for their feeble humor. I was smarter than the rest of them: I got closer to him, so I could laugh louder. Why shouldn't he keep quiet - every time he said anything it was twisted around to sound imbecilic! He can thank me for it. I handed the gang a grand laugh. It's a fitting climax to my sense of humor.

John Cedar:
Why, Your Honor, this is preposterous.

Babe Bennett:
Certainly I wrote those articles. I was going to get a raise, a month's vacation. But I stopped writing them when I found out what he was all about, when I realized how real he was. He could never fit in with our distorted viewpoint, because he's honest, and sincere, and good. If that man's crazy, Your Honor, the rest of us belong in straitjackets!

John Cedar:
Your Honor, this is absurd. The woman's obviously in love with him.

Babe Bennett:
What's that got to do with it?

John Cedar:
Well, you are in love with him, aren't you?

Babe Bennett:
What's that got to do with it?

John Cedar:
You ARE, aren't you?

Babe Bennett:
Yes!

Longfellow Deeds:
About my playing the tuba. Seems like a lot of fuss has been made about that. If, if a man's crazy just because he plays the tuba, then somebody'd better look into it, because there are a lot of tuba players running around loose. 'Course, I don't see any harm in it. I play mine whenever I want to concentrate. That may sound funny to some people, but everybody does something silly when they're thinking. For instance, the judge here is, is an O-filler.

Judge May:
A what?

Longfellow Deeds:
An O-filler. You fill in all the spaces in the O's with your pencil. I was watching him.

Longfellow Deeds:
That may make you look a little crazy, Your Honor, just, just sitting around filling in O's, but I don't see anything wrong, 'cause that helps you think. Other people are doodlers.

Judge May:
"Doodlers"?

Longfellow Deeds:
Uh, that's a word we made up back home for people who make foolish designs on paper when they're thinking: it's called doodling. Almost everybody's a doodler; did you ever see a scratchpad in a telephone booth? People draw the most idiotic pictures when they're thinking. Uh, Dr. von Hallor here could probably think up a long name for it, because he doodles all the time.

Longfellow Deeds:
Thank you. This is a piece of paper he was scribbling on. I can't figure it out - one minute it looks like a chimpanzee, and the next minute it looks like a picture of Mr. Cedar. You look at it, Judge. Exhibit A for the defense. Looks kind of stupid, doesn't it, Your Honor? But I guess that's all right; if Dr. von Hallor has to, uh, doodle to help him think, that's his business. Everybody does something different: some people are, are ear-pullers; some are nail-biters; that, uh, Mr. Semple over there is a nose-twitcher.

Longfellow Deeds:
And the lady next to him is a knuckle-cracker.

Longfellow Deeds:
So you see, everybody does silly things to help them think. Well, I play the tuba.

Longfellow Deeds:
Now, um, heh, now about the Faulkner sisters. That's kind of funny. I mean, about Mr. Cedar going all the way to Mandrake Falls to bring them here. Do you mind if I talk to them?

Judge May:
Not at all.

Longfellow Deeds:
Jane, who owns the house you live in?

Jane Faulkner:
Why, you own it, Longfellow.

Amy Faulkner:
Yes, you own it.

Longfellow Deeds:
Do you pay any rent?

Jane Faulkner:
No, we don't pay any rent.

Amy Faulkner:
Good heavens, no, we never pay rent.

Longfellow Deeds:
Are you happy there?

Jane Faulkner:
Oh, yes.

Amy Faulkner:
Yes indeed.

Longfellow Deeds:
Now, uh, Jane, a little while ago you said I was pixilated. Do you still think so?

Jane Faulkner:
Why, you've always been pixilated, Longfellow.

Amy Faulkner:
Always.

Longfellow Deeds:
That's fine, hm, I guess maybe I am. And now tell me something, Jane: who else in Mandrake Falls is pixilated?

Jane Faulkner:
Why, everybody in Mandrake Falls is pixilated - except us.

Amy Faulkner:
Mm-hmm.

Judge May:
Mr. Deeds, there has been a great deal of damaging testimony against you. Your behavior, to say the least, has been most strange. But in the opinion of the court, you are not only sane, but you're the sanest man that ever walked into this courtroom!

Jane Faulkner:
He's still pixilated.

Amy Faulkner:
He sure is!

Morrow:
You hop aboard my magic carpet and I'll show you sights that you've never seen before.

Longfellow Deeds:
Well, I'd kinda like to see Grant's tomb and the Statue of Liberty.

Morrow:
Well, you'll not only see those, but before the evening's half through, you'll be leaning against the Leaning Tower of Pisa, you'll mount Mount Everest, I'll show you the Pyramids and all the little pyramidees, leaping from sphinx to sphinx!

Morrow:
Pal, look, how would you like to go on a real old-fashioned binge?

Longfellow Deeds:
Binge?

Morrow:
Yeah, I mean the real McCoy. Listen, you play saloon with me and I'll introduce you to every wit, nitwit, and half-wit in New York. We'll go on a twister that'll make Omar the soused philosopher of Persia look like an anemic on a goat's milk diet!

Longfellow Deeds:
Well, I guess that oughtta be fun.

Morrow:
Fun? Listen, I'll take you on a bender that will live in your memory as a thing of beauty and a joy forever!

Longfellow Deeds:
Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.

Walter:
You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.

Longfellow Deeds:
I did what?

Walter:
As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes at all. You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.

Longfellow Deeds:
Don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

Walter:
That's what the two policemen said, sir.

Longfellow Deeds:
What two policemen?

Walter:
The ones who brought you home, sir. They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting "back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!"

MacWade:
"At two o'clock this morning, Mr. Deeds held up traffic while he fed a bagful of doughnuts to a horse. When asked why he was doing it, he replied, 'I just wanted to see how many doughnuts this horse would eat before he asked for a cup of coffee.'"

Louise "Babe" Bennett:
That guy is either the dumbest, stupidest, most imbecilic idiot in the world, or else he's the grandest thing alive. I can't make him out.

Cornelius Cobb:
You're wasting your time. He doesn't want any lawyers. He's sunk so low he doesn't want help from anybody. You can take a bow for that. As swell a guy as ever hit this town, and you crucified him for a couple of stinking headlines. You've done your bit. Stay out of his way.