Muppets Most Wanted

Constantine:
My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!

Dominic Badguy:
You mean our names, right?

Constantine:
Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.

Walter:
Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?

Miss Piggy:
That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!

Rizzo:
Yeah, that's what we are saying!

Fozzie Bear:
[holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out! [covers the mole]

Walter:
Oh, look, it's Kermit!

[Fozzie uncovers the mole]

Walter:
[shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

Walter:
There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!

Fozzie Bear:
You are talking about Kermit, right?

Kermit:
You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?

Fozzie Bear:
It sounds worse than it was...

Walter:
No, it's as bad as it sounds.

Dominic Badguy:
Dominic: International Tour Manager. [presents his business card]

Fozzie Bear:
"Dominic Bad Guy"?

Dominic Badguy:
"Bad-gee". It's French.

Constantine:
[Pretending to be Kermit] A heartwarming lesson about sharing or waiting your turn or the number three.

Dominic Badguy:
[Holding Madrid newspaper] Check out our review. Five jamon serranos.

Pepe the King Prawn:
Wow. Citizen Kane only got four jamon serranos.

Rowlf the Dog:
[On the sign in German] Die Muppets?

Waldorf:
It looks like the reviews are out early.

Statler:
Or maybe that's the suggestion box.

Constantine:
It's time to light the lights. [Detonates explosives]

[last lines]

Fozzie Bear:
[after the closing credits] The movie's over, Ma. You can go home now.

[Constantine is watching tapes of Kermit to study him]

Jim Henson as Kermit:
[from The Muppet Show] It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest, Lynne Redgrave! Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-y!

[pauses the tape]

Constantine:
Yea-a-a-a-a-a-a-esss!

Jim Henson as Kermit:
[from Sesame Street] Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here...

[pauses]

Constantine:
Hi-lo, Kyer-mit thee Frog heere.

Jim Henson as Kermit:
[from The Muppet Movie] The lovers, the dreamers and me-e-e-e!

[pauses]

Constantine:
Thee louvers, thee dreemers and chee-e-e-e-e-se!

[smirks]

Constantine:
Nailed it.

Sam Eagle:
[holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
[holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.

Sam Eagle:
This is my travel badge. [holds up a larger C.I.A. badge] Here's my real badge.

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
You must have been looking at the wrong badge. [opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]

Sam Eagle:
You were saying?

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
[about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop! [flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!

Miss Piggy:
Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.

Sam Eagle:
Tell us how the art was taken!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
If you want to save your bacon!

Miss Piggy:
I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.

Sam Eagle:
We can give you a plea deal!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
All you have to do is squeal!

Miss Piggy:
I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
We'll catch the swine that did this job!

Miss Piggy:
Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!

Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle:
Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
[to Sam] I think she likes me.

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
You know, eh, I think they did it.

Sam Eagle:
No, they didn't!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Yes, they did, and we can pin it.

Sam Eagle:
If they did it, how did they do it?

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
If they didn't, how did they didn't?

Sam Eagle:
If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.

[Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]

Salma Hayek:
Gonzo, I don't want to do this.

Gonzo:
What? This is gonna be fantastic!

Salma Hayek:
Are you sure?

Gonzo:
[confidently] Nope.

Miss Piggy:
Ich bin ein berliner.

Floyd Pepper:
More like "Ein frankfurter".

Nadya:
Good night, Danny Trejo.

Fozzie Bear:
[after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!

Walter:
Yeah!

[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]

Constantine:
Not so fast...

Walter:
Where's Kermit?

Fozzie Bear:
Wh-wh-what do you want?

Constantine:
You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.

[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]

Animal:
Bad frog!

Fozzie Bear, Walter:
Animal! Good shot!

Animal:
Thank you.

[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]

Statler:
I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!

Waldorf:
What, you mean you actually like this show now?

Statler:
No, they've made the show even worse!

Scooter:
TWO Kermits?... Well, that explains a lot.

Rowlf the Dog:
I knew no one could have a cold for that long.

Pepe the King Prawn:
Or have that cheesy an accent, okay.

[Gonzo's Running With the Bulls stunt is a disaster]

Gonzo:
Who could have thought that this would go wrong?

Salma Hayek:
I did.

[Fozzie discovers that Dominic has been bribing critics to give Muppets good reviews]

Fozzie Bear:
Why didn't WE think of that?... I mean, that's terrible!

Kermit:
Bear left!

Fozzie Bear:
Right, frog!

Kermit:
The weakest point in the gulag is over there, by the fourth wall.

[Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal turn and stare at the camera for several long seconds]

Dominic Badguy:
I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.

Critic:
Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.

[Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]

Constantine:
Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?

Dominic Badguy:
Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!

Constantine:
First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!

[blows up Dominic]

Miss Piggy:
You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a FROG!

[beats up Constantine]

Miss Piggy:
[in between punches] NO - ONE - TRICKS - ME - INTO - MARRYING - THEM - AND - THEN - HURTS - MY - KERMIE!

Constantine:
[dazed] What a woman...

Kermit:
Yeah, MY woman! And I believe this belongs to you!

[smacks Constantine with his mole]

[as Jean-Pierre Napoleon bids goodbye, he starts blubbering]

Sam Eagle:
Pull yourself together, man! Stop crying! We're only saying our final... farewell. [tearfully] Goodbye... forever!

[embraces Jean-Pierre]

Sam Eagle:
[crying] I am going to miss you, my French friend!

[Kermit tries to sneak out through a secret tunnel in his cell]

Nadya:
[in the tunnel] It's the first escape everyone tries!

[Kermit disguises himself as a laundry worker]

Nadya:
[in Kermit's laundry] It's the second escape people try!

[Kermit travels through the lavatory sewers]

Nadya:
[on a toilet seat] Third way!

[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
They didn't!

Sam Eagle:
No they didn't!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
There's no way they did a crime!

Sam Eagle:
They couldn't, they're too stupid!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
They're not criminal masterminds!

Sam Eagle:
They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!

Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle:
So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
They're incapable of being culpable!

Kermit:
Piggy, I'm sorry I ruined your wedding...

Miss Piggy:
Oh, Kermie... I'm so glad you did.

[they kiss]

Sam Eagle:
Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!

Constantine:
We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?

Constantine:
From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!

Sam Eagle:
Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?

Constantine:
My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Monsieur, we know you did the crime!

Constantine:
I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!

Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!

Fozzie Bear:
I can do an Elvis impression!

Sam Eagle, Jean Pierre Napoleon:
...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz! [Gonzo enters to be interrogated]

Sam Eagle:
Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?

Gonzo:
I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?

Gonzo:
I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.

Sam Eagle:
The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.

Gonzo:
If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
Madame, are you willing to corroborate?

Camilla:
Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!

Sam Eagle:
Will someone get this chicken out of here?

Gonzo:
Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!

Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle:
Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!

Swedish Chef:
Shern de shern de herf! Sher de chicky en de farney hug!

Jean Pierre Napoleon:
To help with our investigation, can you do a full translation?

Translator:
What the Chef said to you was "Schnoop do schnnop do schnook". It's not Swedish.

The Newsman:
Muppet News Flash! Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum-security Gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number-one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.

[Constantine tries to escape in a helicopter]

Constantine:
Something's wrong! We're not moving! [the Muppets have made a ladder out of themselves to stop the copter]

Constantine:
You are ruining my getaway!

[Fozzie climbs on top of Floyd Pepper]

Floyd Pepper:
Hey, watch the hair, bear!

Constantine:
It's not easy being mean.