Murder by Death

Sidney Wang:
And you Mr. Charleston, did not approve of Mrs. Charleston dying her hair blond?

Dick Charleston:
What do you mean?

Sidney Wang:
Mrs. Charleston's hair red. You have blond hairs on shoulder. This means she has dyed red hair blond, then back again to red, or else you have been... So sorry, Wang is wrong.

Sam Diamond:
I don't get it. First they steal the body and leave the clothes, then they take the clothes and bring the body back. Who would do a thing like that?

Dick Charleston:
Possibly some deranged dry cleaner.

Sam Diamond:
Locked, from the inside. That can only mean one thing. And I don't know what it is.

Sidney Wang:
It is late, and my eyes are getting tired.

Sam Diamond:
I thought they always looked like that.

Jessica Marbles:
Knock it off, Sam!

Sam Diamond:
I apologize. This case is getting to me. I'm sorry, Slanty.

Sidney Wang:
Um... thank you.

Dora Charleston:
Mr. Diamond, there's a bullet hole in your jacket.

Sam Diamond:
You should see the other guy.

Milo Perrier:
I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a BELGIE!

Sidney Wang:
Yes, is confusing.

Lionel Twain:
IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Willie Wang:
Who do you think is the murderer?

Sidney Wang:
Must sleep on it. Will know in morning when wake up.

Willie Wang:
But what if you don't wake up?

Sidney Wang:
Then YOU did it.

Jamesir Bensonmum:
She murdered herself in her sleep, sir.

Dick Charleston:
You mean suicide?

Jamesir Bensonmum:
Oh no, it was murder, all right. Mrs. Twain HATED herself.

Jessica Marbles:
Yes dear, we're going to have a lovely murderpoo.

Lionel Twain:
That drives me crazy!

Sam Diamond:
Sounds like a short ride to me.

Dora Charleston:
Oh, that's probably the cook. Come in!

Dick Charleston:
Darling, the poor woman is stone deaf.

Dora Charleston:
I'm sorry, I forgot. COME IN!

Dora Charleston:
Is he dead?

Sam Diamond:
With a thing like that in his back, in the long run, he's better off.

Lionel Twain:
You've tricked and fooled your readers for years. You've tortured us all with surprise endings that made no sense. You've introduced characters in the last five pages that were never in the book before. You've withheld clues and information that made it impossible for us to guess who did it. But now, the tables are turned. Millions of angry mystery readers are now getting their revenge. When the world learns I've outsmarted you, they'll be selling your $1.95 books for twelve cents.

Dora Charleston:
What a godforsaken spot to get lost!

Dick Charleston:
I'm sure I saw a much better spot a few miles back.

Tess Skeffington:
His mother was a Roman Catholic, his father was an Orthodox Jew. They were separated two hours after the marriage.

Sam Diamond:
No pinkies? You mean Twain has only got eight fingers?

Tess Skeffington:
No, no, he's got ten. He just doesn't have any pinkies.

Dick Charleston:
Up there, Dora, look - a blind butler.

Dora Charleston:
Don't let him park the car, Dickie.

Sam Diamond:
The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She said she was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France.

Lionel Twain:
I'm the greatest, I'm number one!

Sam Diamond:
To me, you look like number two, know what I mean?

Dora Charleston:
What DOES he mean, Miss Skeffington?

Tess Skeffington:
I'll tell you later. It's disgusting.

Jessica Marbles:
I smell gas!

Miss Withers:
I can't help it, I'm old.

Jessica Marbles:
No, not that kind of gas. The kind that kills!

Miss Withers:
Well, sometimes my gas...

Sidney Wang:
Conversation like television set on honeymoon: unnecessary.

Sidney Wang:
Room filled with empty people.

Milo Perrier:
He's gone!

Jessica Marbles:
Who's gone?

Milo Perrier:
The butler. Here's the key.

Sidney Wang:
If butler gone, where you find key?

Milo Perrier:
In his pocket.

Jessica Marbles:
What pocket?

Milo Perrier:
The butler's pocket.

Sidney Wang:
Butler gone but pocket still there?

Sidney Wang:
No pulse, no heartbeat. If condition does not change, this man is dead.

Jessica Marbles:
I don't want to use profanity, but for the first time in my life I had the caca scared out of me!

Dora Charleston:
Dickie, I like her I really like her!

Sam Diamond:
Roll your wheelchair down the driveway, we got business here!

Sam Diamond:
Where were ya Wang, we was worried!

Sidney Wang:
Oh, there, voice come from cow on wall...

Lionel Twain:
Moose, moose you imbecile!

Sidney Wang:
Very interesting theory, Mr. Charleston. However, leave out one important point.

Dick Charleston:
What's that?

Sidney Wang:
Is stupid. Is stupidest theory I ever heard.

Marcel:
Something isn't right in all of this, eh. I can feel it in my buns.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Your what?

Marcel:
My buns.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Buns? Your buns? You bought buns and you didn't tell me? Where are they? Where are the buns?

Marcel:
Oh! No, monsieur. The BONES in my body.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
You should not speak with an accent when you know I am so hungry.

Tess Skeffington:
He had one daughter, thirty-two, her name's Irene, but she calls herself Rita.

Sam Diamond:
Just like a dame.

Sam Diamond:
That was then, this is now, and nobody knows what tomorrow will be. That's the way things are, whether we like it or not.

Tess Skeffington:
Oh, Sam, I worry about you sometimes. I really do.

Willie Wang:
I don't hear nothin'. What do you hear?

Sidney Wang:
Double negative, and bark.

Tess Skeffington:
There's nothing on him 'til '46, when he was picked up in El Paso, Texas, for trying to smuggle a truckload of rich white Americans across the border into Mexico to pick melons.

Sam Diamond:
I think we picked ourselves a queer bird, angel.

Sidney Wang:
Did you see that?

Willie Wang:
No.

Sidney Wang:
Neither did I.

Jamesir Bensonmum:
Good evening. We have been expecting you.

Sidney Wang:
Yes, but in what condition?

Sidney Wang:
Big house like man married to fat woman: hard to get around.

Willie Wang:
Here's the bridge, Pop. Doesn't look safe to me.

Sidney Wang:
One way to find out. Drive across.

Willie Wang:
Aren't you gonna come with me?

Sidney Wang:
Weight of two men may be too much for bridge.

Willie Wang:
Then why do I get to drive the car?

Sidney Wang:
'Cause I smart enough to get out first.

Jamesir Bensonmum:
May I get your bags, sir?

Sidney Wang:
Oh, no, no. Son will get bags. That is why I adopted him.

Sidney Wang:
Mr. Twain has macabre sense of humor, yes?

Sidney Wang:
What that?

Jamesir Bensonmum:
Oh, it's nothing, sir. Just the cat.

Sidney Wang:
That cat? You feed cat dog food?

Jamesir Bensonmum:
I'm afraid it's a very angry cat, sir. Mr. Twain had it "fixed," when it didn't want to be.

Willie Wang:
Holy Shanghai!

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Since we cannot call for a doctor, I will need a cold compress for my chaffeur, and a cup of hot chocolate for me, n'est ce pa?

Jamesir Bensonmum:
I don't think we have any Nespa, sir. Just Hershey's.

Sam Diamond:
The lady here in the rented dress is my secretary and mistress, Miss Tess Skeffington.

Tess Skeffington:
I don't feel good about this, Sam. Maybe tonight's the night your luck runs out.

Sam Diamond:
Maybe so. There's a number on the wall for all of us, angel, and if tonight's the night they pick mine, so be it. After you, sweetheart.

Sam Diamond:
Now, if one of you gentlemen would be so kind as to give my lady friend here a glass of cheap white wine, I'm going down the hall to find the can. I talk so much sometimes, I forget to go.

Sam Diamond:
I get fifty dollars a day plus expenses when I can get 'em, gentleman. And I owe Miss Skeffington here three years and two month's back pay. Isn't that right, angel?

Tess Skeffington:
I don't care about the money, Sam.

Sam Diamond:
Neither do I.

Sidney Wang:
Never consider murder to be business, Mr. Diamond.

Sidney Wang:
Quiet, please. Observe strange sounds.

Dora Charleston:
Good God! The face! It's coming from the face!

Dick Charleston:
The victim of that tribal ritual, actually going through his final moments of death! What could it mean?

Jamesir Bensonmum:
It means dinner is ready, sir. We have no gong.

Jamesir Bensonmum:
Ten people for dinner and I'm serving them hot nothing. You can't get good help today.

Dora Charleston:
Dickie, don't. You know how I get when you touch me there.

Dick Charleston:
Me, darling? I've got my hands in my pockets.

Sam Diamond:
I'm afraid they're my pockets.

Dick Charleston:
Oh, sorry about that.

Dora Charleston:
Dickie, behave yourself.

Lionel Twain:
I trust you've all been made comfortable?

Dick Charleston:
Comfortable, Mr. Twain? You call poisoned wine and near decapitation comfortable?

Lionel Twain:
No. I call it inspiration.

Sidney Wang:
Have admired you ever since I was tiny little detective.

Sidney Wang:
What meaning of this, Mr. Twain?

Lionel Twain:
I will tell you, Mr. Wang, if YOU can tell ME why a man who possesses one of the most brilliant minds of this century can't say his *prepositions* or *articles!* "What IS THE," Mr. Wang! "What IS THE meaning of this?"

Sidney Wang:
That what I said! "What meaning of this?"

Lionel Twain:
How do I look so young? Quite simple. A complete vegetable diet, twelve hours sleep a night, and *lots* and *lots* of makeup.

Sam Diamond:
You say you know who's going to get it?

Lionel Twain:
Intimately.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
And you know how the crime is to be committed?

Lionel Twain:
Definitely.

Sidney Wang:
And exactly what time murder to take place?

Lionel Twain:
*The* murder. Precisely.

Dora Charleston:
Well, I know it's none of my business, but doesn't that mean that you're the murderer, Mr. Twain?

Sam Diamond:
You pit your wits with me, little man, and you won't have your wits to pit with, know what I mean?

Sam Diamond:
If you ask me, anybody that offers a million bucks to solve a crime that ain't been committed yet has lost a lot more upstairs than his hair.

Sidney Wang:
Calm yourself. Man who argues with cow on wall is like train without wheels: very soon get nowhere.

Sam Diamond:
Stop that. Stop that, I said.

Dick Charleston:
What is it, Diamond?

Sam Diamond:
The nurse is giving my palm the finger, the dirty old broad.

Lionel Twain:
No wives! I refuse to discuss this with wives!

Inspector Milo Perrier:
I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

Sidney Wang:
I like it, but do not understand it.

Sidney Wang:
Sh, sh, sh! Cow talk again.

Lionel Twain:
Aha, stumped already. Need some clues, Monsieur Perrier?

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Clues? I need no clues from you! I find my own clues, you demented lollipop!

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Everything here has been rented for tonight. The butler, the cook, the food, the dining room chairs, everything!

Jessica Marbles:
You mean...

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Yes. This entire murder has been... catered.

Sam Diamond:
Look all over him.

Dick Charleston:
All over his body?

Sam Diamond:
Well, somebody's gotta do it. I'm busy standing guard.

Dick Charleston:
Why don't I stand guard? You look all over the body.

Sam Diamond:
All right, we'll take turns. You look over the first dead, naked body that we find and I'll look over the second.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Touch nothing!

Jessica Marbles:
Will you stop saying "touch nothing?" We're all experienced criminologists. I find it insulting, debasing, and redundant to keep telling us to "touch nothing!"

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Oh, be quiet, woman!

Jessica Marbles:
Up yours, fella!

Sidney Wang:
Most amusing. Bickering detectives like making lamb stew: everything goes to pot!

Sidney Wang:
Answer simple, but question very hard.

Sam Diamond:
My hat's off to the man with the shiv in his back. Except for the fact that he's dead, he was no dope.

Willie Wang:
Why do I do all the dirty work, Pop?

Sidney Wang:
'Cause your mother not here to do it.

Dora Charleston:
Where's my Dickie?

Dora Charleston:
Sorry. Where's my husband?

Inspector Milo Perrier:
A mannequin.

Sam Diamond:
No, a dummy.

Sam Diamond:
You're good, Charleston. You're not my kind of cop, but you're smart and you smell good. You're not a pansy, I know that, but what the hell are ya?

Dick Charleston:
Classy, I suppose.

Tess Skeffington:
I'm scared, Sam. Hold me.

Sam Diamond:
Hold yourself. I'm busy.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Doors and windows will automatically open at dawn, and one of us here will be one million dollars richer, and one of us will be going to the gas chamber to be hung.

Sam Diamond:
Shut up, all of ya's. Nobody move!

Dick Charleston:
What is it?

Sam Diamond:
I have to go to the can again. I don't wanna miss nothin.'

Tess Skeffington:
Twain picked up Sam in a gay bar.

Sam Diamond:
I was working on a case! Working.

Tess Skeffington:
Every night for six months?

Sidney Wang:
Someone just put deadly snake in room. Wake me when it come near bed.

Dora Charleston:
I want you to know, Dickie, that if you're the murderer, I'll still love you. I don't think it would be right for us to make love, but I'd still love you.

Dick Charleston:
Now let's see what we have here. We have one missing, dead, naked butler, one host with a butcher's knife in his back, and one poisonous scorpion crawling up our sheets.

Dora Charleston:
Is that what that is?

Dick Charleston:
Yes. They can kill instantly. I suggest we don't move.

Dora Charleston:
For how long?

Dick Charleston:
Quite possibly for the rest of our lives.

Marcel:
I will tell everyone that you wear a toupee.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
They already know!

Marcel:
Then why do you wear it?

Inspector Milo Perrier:
I didn't know that you knew.

Tess Skeffington:
He was very good to me. He would take me to the circus and give me candy. We stopped going when I was about twenty-six. I'm sorry, Sam.

Sam Diamond:
Twenty-six? What the hell kind of a circus was it?

Willie Wang:
Good night, Dad.

Sidney Wang:
Should have adopted pussycat.

Inspector Milo Perrier:
Forgive me, but I was talking about patricide, not uncle-cide.

Sam Diamond:
I was in disguise in disguise in disguise. You work hard for fifty bucks a day in this racket.

Sam Diamond:
I'll be around if you need me. All you gotta do is whistle, and you know how to whistle, don't ya, baby?

Tess Skeffington:
Certainly. What do you mean? I don't understand you...

Sam Diamond:
All right, never mind. Forget it. You ruined it.

Sam Diamond:
I never did nothin' to a man that I wouldn't do to a woman.

Dora Charleston:
I don't understand. Why would anybody want to steal a dead, naked body?

Dick Charleston:
Well, dear, there are people who, um...

Dora Charleston:
Oh, that's tacky! That's REALLY tacky!

“A room full of empty people”