Murphy Brown

[Attempting to breast-feed her newborn son]

Murphy:
I finally have a chest and the only man in my life doesn't know what to do with it!

Murphy:
I was waiting for the universe to dispense some justice but sometimes the universe is just too damn slow. The effects of putting Nair in someone's styling gel, however, only take a few minutes.

Jim:
Perhaps you need to be clearer.

Murphy:
Clearer? Jim, the other day I rolled up my car window while she was still talking to me! I drove away and she actually ran alongside the car until she was able to pull her hair free at the onramp! I'm telling you, the woman cannot take a hint!

Kay:
Oh, good morning, my little worker ants! That's just a figure of speech; I would NEVER compare you to insects. At least not after that sensitivity training seminar those maggots at the network forced me to attend!

Kay:
I've talked to the network and they agree that given the quality of your work lately, they have no choice but to give all of you five days at a beautiful Mexican resort totally at their expense. See what I did there? You thought I was going to do something evil but I went a different way!

Kay:
Corky, are you in there?

Murphy:
Are you alone?

Kay:
Yes, I am... for the last ten years, and thanks so much for reminding me!

Jim:
I can't hear you. My flesh is being consumed by acid.

[after learning the Murphy is pregnant]

Jim:
Murphy, do you need any money?

Murphy:
Jim, I make as much as you do.

Jim:
Good God Miles, is that true?

[to a Russian journalist who has just insulted her]

Murphy:
Oh yeah? Well I can't take ANYTHING you say seriously with that stupid accent. You sound like you should be "plottink beeg trabble for moose and skvirrel"!

Murphy:
Stop looking at me like that!

Miles Silverberg:
Like what?

Murphy:
Like Bambi caught in my headlights!

[the night before Corky marries Will]

Corky:
[sobbing] I haven't experienced life!

Murphy:
I've experienced life, and I'm here to tell you it's overrated.

Murphy:
Men are like Dove bars - one is great, two make you throw up.

Stan Lansing:
Though I am a sucker for that rascal's nimble wordplay, it's not Dick who has millions of housewives glued to their sets. Dick is a punster. Punsters you can replace with a relative. It's Dottie, Murphy. Dottie is the show.

Murphy:
Ah-ha. So what you're saying is, that you're willing to be Dickless, but you refuse to be Dotless.

Murphy:
[hears helicopters at Corky's wedding] Helicopter. [runs outside. Screams at the Copters] Get out of here, you vultures! You're not getting one lousy picture. I've got a *bazooka*! And I'm not afraid to use it!

Corky:
Murphy, get in here!

Murphy:
[talking to Stuart Best] There was no chemistry, there was no old gang! And if there was, you weren't apart of it. You drove us nuts! Taking off your shoes, humming while you ate, and there's no such word as alls, it's all. It's all I know! It wasn't the network, it was us! We wanted you fired! My names Murph-Y! Get off the stage.

[after giving birth]

Murphy:
Oh god, my body's making milk. It's like one day discovering you can get bacon out of your elbow.

Murphy:
[in labor] Jim, cut me open! Cut me open and get this kid out of me! Use a scalpel, use a pocket-knife, use a rotten, stinking melon-baller if you have to, just do it!

[Corky comes in with a plastic cup]

Corky:
Here's some ice cubes, Murphy. Can I put some in your mouth, I see your hands are full.

Murphy:
Screw the ice cubes, Corky! You're a woman, you gotta help me! Smother me with the pillow! Do it for sisterhood! Do it for Betty Fernand! Kill me now!

Jim:
[looking at the monitor] She's going to blow!

[everyone ducks as the next contraction hits and Murphy screams]

Miles Silverberg:
[on Murphy's baby video] But I want you to know that your mother behaved as best she could... under the circumstances.

[Cut to Murphy's hospital room, where she is in labor and throttling Miles]

Murphy:
[screaming] You son of a b*tch! You *man*! You did this to me! You and every other man! I'm taking you with me!

Murphy:
You know, a lot of things went through my head in the last fifty-six minutes, but the same thought kept coming back to me. You saw your brass ring and you went for it. It took a lot of chutzpah. I have to respect a person for that.

Corky:
Gee, Murphy, I'm so glad you feel that way.

Murphy:
I should mention one other thing however, do anything like this again and you're dead.

Corky:
[Corky laughs] Okay.

Murphy:
No, understand this. It's not just an idle threat or colorful exaggeration. I know people. It would happen. It could be fast or painful and lingering. Water, cement, without a trace or well placed bits and pieces. All my choice.

Corky:
I understand.

Corky:
[panicking over her upcoming wedding] Murphy, you may not know this but I'm a virgin.

[Corky sobs and Murphy smirks]

Murphy:
Frank owes me fifty bucks.

Murphy:
I already know how to breathe and I am the last person who needs lessons on how to push.