My Best Friend's Wedding

Julianne Potter:
No, no, no, no, no... Absolutely -...

George Downes:
Love to! Love the bag, love the shoes, love everything. Love to!

Julianne Potter:
Michael... I love you. I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and... well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?

Kimmy Wallace:
I love this man, and there is no way that I'm gonna give him up to some two-faced, big-haired food critic.

Michael O'Neill:
Kimmy says if you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just...

Julianne Potter:
Passes you by...

Michael O'Neill:
Passes you by...

Julianne Potter:
It is the duty of the best man to dance with the maid of honor.

Michael O'Neill:
Dance? You can't dance. When did you learn how to dance?

Julianne Potter:
I've got moves you've never seen.

George Downes:
Kindred spirits, eh?

Julianne Potter:
No, he's nothing like me. He's like you, actually, only straight.

Julianne Potter:
I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up. Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be. For my best friend has won the best woman. I didn't buy you a gift. But this is on loan until you two find your song...

Julianne Potter:
I'm pond scum. Well, lower actually. I'm like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.

Michael O'Neill:
Lower. The pus that infects the mucus that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum. On the other hand, thank you for loving me that much, that way. It's pretty flattering.

Julianne Potter:
Except it makes me fungus.

Kimmy Wallace:
He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms.

George Downes:
Tell him you love him. Bite the bullet.

George Downes:
It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

George Downes:
You're probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen tablecloth the way you do when you're really feeling down. Perhaps even looking at those nails thinking, "God, I should have stopped in all my evil plotting to have that manicure."

George Downes:
Why don't we stop and have a drink? You can take a later flight.

Julianne Potter:
No, no, no, no. I'm a busy girl. I've got exactly four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride's fella and I haven't one clue how to do it.

Julianne Potter:
He just came in for few hours to uh, to uh, F*** ME.

George Downes:
Huh! Takes a few hours.

Julianne Potter:
Crème brûlée can never be Jell-O. YOU could never be Jell-O.

Kimmy Wallace:
I HAVE to be Jell-O!

Julianne Potter:
You're never gonna be Jell-O!

Julianne Potter:
You're going to humiliate me, aren't you?

George Downes:
Only if I can.

George Downes:
Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing!

George Downes:
Death by mini-bar!

Kimmy Wallace:
He sucks soup through his front teeth.

Julianne Potter:
That's a trademark move - don't touch that one.

Kimmy Wallace:
But he sure can kiss.

George Downes:
The misery! The exquisite tragedy! The Susan Hayward of it all!

Julianne Potter:
This is my one chance at happiness. I have to be ruthless!

George Downes:
Hmm, death by mini-bar. How glamorous.

George Downes:
Bond, Jane Bond

George Downes:
Coffee anyone?

Kimmy Wallace:
You kissed him! At my parents house! On my wedding day!

George Downes:
Michael's chasing Kimmy?

Julianne Potter:
Yes!

George Downes:
You're chasing Michael?

Julianne Potter:
YES!

George Downes:
Who's chasing you... nobody, get it?

Brunch guest:
"She's very good on the psychic friends network."

George:
Who called? The man of the moment?

Julianne Potter:
No, the opposite, my Michael. Michael O'Neal. Sounds desperate to talk to me.

George:
Oh, the wandering sports writer. Remind me about that one.

Julianne:
Sophomore year at Brown, we had this one hot month. But, of course, you know me, I got restless. So, I get up the nerve to break his heart and he gives me this look, and then he says, "the thing that makes me wanna cry is, I'm losing the best friend I ever had." And at that moment, I knew, I felt the same way. So, I cried, for maybe the third time in my life, kissed him and we've been best friends ever since. We've seen each other through everything, losing jobs, losing parents, losing lovers. We've travelled all over. The best times of my life, drinking and talking, even if it's just over the phone.

George:
God. This is so moving. Kindred spirits, eh?

Julianne:
He's nothing like me, he's like you actually, only straight... I remember this one night in Tucson, like, six years ago, where he takes a razor out of this tiny little dop kit, cut's his finger, takes my hand, does the same to me.

George:
I'm gonna be sick.

Julianne:
He says "swear, if we're 28, if we've never married, we'll marry each other". We never talked about it again. I don't know what made me think of that.

George:
You're about to be 28 in three weeks, right? How old's he?

Julianne:
You think?

George:
Desperate, to talk.

Julianne:
He adored me for nine goddamn years. Me!

George:
I can see why.

Julianne:
She has known him for what, like, five seconds? Okay? Plus, she's got billions of dollars, plus, she's apparently perfect. Okay? So, don't go feeling all-all sorry for Miss Pre-teen Illinois... I can't lose him George. I'm gonna bring him back.

Kimmy:
Right off, I have this monstrous favor to ask you.

Julianne:
Excuse me?

Kimmy:
My best friend Angelique shattered her pelvis line-dancing in Abeline over Spring Break. Be my maid of honor.

Julianne:
What? Um, shouldn't you, uh, vote a bridesmaid, or, uh, someone you've known at least 45 minutes?

Kimmy:
My bridemaids are my only two female relatives under the age of 40, debutante sisters from Nashville, who are basically vengeful sluts. Oh, my exit! [swerves car across road] So this means I have four days to make you my new best friend. It's time for you to force yourself to get personal!

[Michael walks into Julianne's hotel room when she's in her underwear.]

Michael:
You want me to turn around or something?

Julianne:
Yes. Uh, not the person I was expecting.

Michael:
I've seen you a lot more naked than that.

Julianne:
Well, things are... different now.

Michael:
Yeah, guess so... Um, you look really good... without your clothes on.

[George is calling "Jules, Jules" from down the phone]

Julianne:
George, she's toast!

Amanda:
Oh, my God, it's the bride, and the woman she'll never live up to.

...

Julianne:
I'm Julianne Potter.

Amanda:
We'd be the vengeful sluts.

Samantha:
You can just call us eager.

Amanda:
Hey, have you sized up the groomsmen, Jules? As Maid of Honor, you get first pick.

Samantha:
Don't pick the short, hairy, fat one. He's mine!

Michael:
You can't dance. When did you learn how to dance?

Julianne:
I've got moves you've never seen.

Michael:
You're an imposter. What did you do with my best friend?

Julianne:
I'm still your best friend, you just haven't seen me for a while.

Julianne:
In the beginning it was mostly this prior claim, he belonged to me. But now, when I'm with him, he's just so wonderful. How come I never knew that when I could have had him?

George:
It's amazing, the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

Julianne:
Underplay.

George:
Okay. [shouts] Hey! I'm Jools' fiancee, George. Just in town for a quick pre-conjugal visit, if you catch my drift.

Julianne:
You're gonna humiliate me, aren't you?

George:
Only if I can.

Kimmy:
I can tell you this now, but I was very worried about you.

Julianne:
About me?

Kimmy:
Yeah, I mean, all those stories that Michael told me were hilarious. But, I mean, all those broken relationships, all those men, it must have hurt going through so many guys and never finding the right one.

George:
Hurt? She couldn't sit down for seven years, until she met teensy-weensy little me.

Kimmy:
And all the while, the man of your dreams was right in front of you. [Julianne stares at Michael]

George:
She's talking about me.

George:
Look, tell him you love him, bite the bullet.

Julianne:
George. What will he do?

George:
He'll choose Kim, you'll stand beside her at the wedding, kiss him goodbye, and go home. That's what you came here to do, so do it.

Michael:
We don't even have a song, Kim and I. We don't have a song. Do you think that's bad sign? [sings] "Someday, when I'm awfully low, and the world is cold, I'll will feel a glow, just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight." Is your dance card filled?

Julianne:
Well, I'd have to check, I keep it on powerbook these days.

Michael:
Is that right? [they dance as he sings]

Julianne:
Well, he's sort of wondering why you haven't told your parents that the wedding's off.

Kimmy:
Well, I'm still hoping for a miracle, I suppose. I mean, how could he think that my father and I would do such a thing?

Julianne:
Only a minor insight, you understand. Maybe Michael couldn't commit to this marriage so he created a delusion, produced an unconscious, psychosomatic manifestation of... I'm better with food. Okay, you're Michael, you're in a fancy french restaurant, you order... creme brulee for dessert, it's beautiful, it's sweet, it's irritatingly perfect. Suddenly, Michael realizes he doesn't want creme brulee, he wants something else.

Kimmy:
What does he want?

Julianne:
Jello.

Kimmy:
Jello?! Why does he want jello?

Julianne:
Because he's comfortable with jello, jello makes him... comfortable. I realize, compared to creme brulee it's... jello, but maybe that's what he needs.

Kimmy:
I could be jello.

Julianne:
No! Creme brulee can never be jello, you could never be jello.

Kimmy:
I have to be jello.

Julianne:
You're never gonna be jello. Now you have to come clean with your parents, because if you're waiting for that "Do you take this man" part, it's considered poor form.

Julianne:
I'll make this quick, or I'm gonna have this massive coronary, then you'll never hear it, and you have to. This is, by far, the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Uh, so dumb, in fact, that, uh, I can't... Ohh, but I'm gonna.

Michael:
What's wrong?

Julianne:
Michael, I love you. I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it. And, well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time, but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me, marry me, let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it? [kisses him]

Julianne:
[on phone] It is not going well! This is what comes of telling the truth! Or even part of it. You know, getting what you deserve isn't fair!

George:
[on phone] Where are you?

Julianne:
[on phone] I have stolen a bread van and I am chasing Michael down Michigan Avenue. George, this is all your fault! I-I-I told him the truth, I said that I loved him and I kissed him and this is what's happened.

George:
[on phone] Jules, a question. When you kissed Michael, did he kiss you back?

Julianne:
[on phone] What do you mean? We were lip-to-lip!

George:
[on phone] I mean, was there anything on the other side of that kiss that leads you to believe that this chase will end happily?

Julianne:
[on phone] That's beside the point, we were interrupted.

George:
[on phone] Who interrupted you?

Julianne:
[on phone] Kimmy! She ruined everything, and Michael started chasing her before he could answer me!

George:
[on phone] Michael's chasing Kimmy?

Julianne:
[on phone] Yes!

George:
[on phone] You're chasing Michael?

Julianne:
[on phone] Yes!

George:
[on phone] Who's chasing you? Nobody. Get it! There's your answer. Kimmy.

Julianne:
[on phone] No!

George:
[on phone] Yes. Jules, you are not the one! Now, for God's sake, the wedding is at 6pm, you have a small, but distinct, window of opportunity to do the right thing. [hangs up]

Julianne:
I have done nothing but under-handed, despicable, not even terribly imaginative things since I got here. But I was... Michael, I was just trying to... to win you. To win you back. But that doesn't excuse any of it. I'm... pond scum. Well, lower actually, I'm like the fungus the feeds on pond scum.

Michael:
Lower. The pus that infects the mucus, that cruds up the fungus that feeds on the pond scum... On the other hand, thank you. For loving me that much, that way, it's pretty flattering.

Julianne:
Except it makes me fungus.

Michael:
Well, that part I knew.

Scott:
We raise our glasses and wish Mike and Kim our every happiness, for a long and happy life together. Filled with... happiness. Well, I guess that's it. [everyone claps] Now let's hear from the maid of honor, the lovely Julianne.

Julianne:
I had the strangest dream. I dreamed that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up. Luckily, I woke up, and I see that the world is just as it should be. For my best friend... has won the best woman. I didn't get you a gift, however, this is on loan until you two find your song. [the band starts to play "The Way You Look Tonight"]

George:
[on phone] Hey gorgeous, having a good time?

Julianne:
[on phone] Not particularly. But, I did what I came to do.

George:
[on phone] What, you split them up?

Julianne:
[on phone] No, I said goodbye.

George:
[on phone] Good girl. I'm proud of you. I'd be prouder still if you were dancing.

Julianne:
[on phone] I have big plans for dancing, just give me 30, 35 years.

George:
[on phone] Oh, the misery, the exquisite tragedy, the Susan Haywood of it all. I can just picture you there, sitting alone at your table in your lavender gown.

Julianne:
[on phone] Did I tell you my gown was lavender?

George:
[on phone] Hair swept up, haven't touched your cake, probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen tablecloth. The way you do when you're really feeling down. [she stop drumming her fingers and looks at her hand] Perhaps even looking at those fingernails and thinking, 'God, I should have stopped in all my evil plotting to have that manicure', it's too late now.

Julianne:
[on phone] George... I didn't tell you my dress was lavender.

...

George:
[on phone] Has God heard your little prayer? Will Cinderella dance again? And then... suddenly, the crowds part. And there he is, sleek, stylish, radiant with charisma. Bizarrely, he's on the telephone. But then, so are you. And he comes towards you... the moves of a jungle cat. And although you, quite correctly, sense that he is... gay, like most devastating handsome single men of his age are, you think, what the hell, life goes on. Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but, by God, there'll be dancing.