My Friend Irma

Al:
Your time will come, son. Have to hold you back a little. Don't want to push you too much. Save you for a rainy day.

Seymour:
Rainy day? I got some news for you, Al. I get hungry in clear weather!

Professor Kropotkin:
My little pigeon!

Seymour:
Who's a pigeon?

Professor Kropotkin:
It's only me, Professor Kropotkin.

Jane Stacy:
Well, hello, Professor.

Irma Peterson:
Hi, Professor.

Professor Kropotkin:
Oh, Jane and Irma, my two little proud beauties! One with her head in the air and the other with air in her head.

Irma Peterson:
How often does a girl meet a millionaire with money?

Al:
Now, there's the mirror. Take a look at yourself. Now, if you notice, you have deep expression in your eyes and a very sensitive chin - all the qualities of a legitimate actor - maybe even a great lover.

Seymour:
Yeah, but isn't my voice too high?

Al:
Not necessarily. You can make love to tall girls.

Jane Stacy:
Anything can happen when you live with my friend Irma!

Irma Peterson:
[to Al] Oh, well, you know Jane. She wants to marry a man with money, but I don't think money's important. Look, I have you, and you have me, and we both have nothing.

Seymour:
The least you could do is show me some sympathy, Steve. When you was sick, I was very considerate. Remember when the doctor gave you only 30 days to live?

Steve Laird:
Yes!

Seymour:
Didn't I go out and get you a calender?

Jane Stacy:
[Hearing the telephone ringing after finding her ruined clothes] I'll answer it, Mrs. O'Reilly. My feet are wet and I want to be sure I'll be electrocuted.

Irma Peterson:
[On phone] Oh Jane, darling. I called you because I wanted to tell you to be sure not to take a shower.

Jane Stacy:
And why shouldn't I take a shower and be clean like all other normal people?

Irma Peterson:
Well, you see, I painted the clothes closet, and I hung all the clothes in the shower.

Jane Stacy:
Irma, when you come home tonight would you bring a piece of good, strong rope with you? Because there's something else I want to hang in the shower with the clothes.

Irma Peterson:
Really, Jane? What?

Jane Stacy:
You. Irma Peterson, how could you be so stupid?

Mr. Clyde:
Oh, I should have fired you months ago. But I can't! It would take me years to find out where you keep things!

Irma Peterson:
Oh, Al I always knew you'd succeed. I just can't wait to hear all the wonderful things people say about you after you're dead.

Al:
Okay, Chicken. Get on the phone.

Irma Peterson:
But I don't know what to say.

Al:
Just say you're calling for Miss Jane Stacy. She's been delayed, she's only half-dressed, and it would take a load off her mind if you would pick her up at her house instead of at the bar. Got it?

Irma Peterson:
Got it, word-for-word. [into telephone] Hello?

Al:
[covering the receiver] Just to play it safe, let me have it back.

Irma Peterson:
Uh... "She would like you to pick her up here because she's half-dressed, half-loaded, and would make a very easy pick-up."

Al:
Got anything to drink at your place?

Irma Peterson:
We have milk.

Al:
Milk? Chicken, this guy's a multi-millionaire. A blue blood. He's used to the best. I'll go out and get a couple bottles of beer.

Irma Peterson:
Al, you're all out of breath. You shouldn't let yourself get that way because breath is good for you.

[the radio contest calls Irma's home after her friends find her suicide note]

Al:
How do you like that? They're calling Chicken from the contest and she has to pick a moment like this to knock herself off. That dame never had no consideration!

Jane Stacy:
[to Irma] Oh, sweetie don't cry. You can't help it. It's just that nature gave some girls talent and brains, and with you it slipped you a mickey.

Steve Laird:
[reading fortune from a fortune cookie] It says, "You are placing your confidence in someone who'll enrich you." Must mean Al.

Jane Stacy:
Yes, Al's a pretty good confidence man.

Seymour:
And that's how Steve and I became pals. But he's too easygoing. He's not like me. Somebody does something I consider an offense, I don't take it. I fight back. I revolt.

Irma Peterson:
Oh, Seymour that's a sign of character and I admire you for it. I like men who are offensive and revolting.