My Man Godfrey

Irene:
Pull over! That's *my* goat!

Cordelia:
Why all the yelling and screaming?

Irene:
Do I have to have a reason to yell and scream?

Irene:
Well, I guess I'd better go and find my goat.

Irene:
I would have won the scavenger hunt with a porcupine only I was disqualified because one of the judges sat on it. What are you looking at me like that for?

Godfrey:
Was he hurt?

Irene:
No. We sent him back to the zoo.

Irene:
And the first one back with all three wins.

Godfrey:
Wins what?

Irene:
They win the honor of *winning*.

Irene:
Oh, my mother is famous for her scavenger hunts. She has one every year at her charity ball. Then we give all the money to charity. That is, if there's any left only there never is and now you know the whole setup.

Man at Bar:
: Get a load of the dizzy dame with the monkey.

Mr. Bullock:
I've been gettin' a load of her for thirty years. That's my wife.

Man at Bar:
I'm - I'm sorry, old man.

Mr. Bullock:
*You're* sorry! How do you think I feel?

Howard:
I think I liked your mother's parties better the way she used to have them. With the scavenger hunt last.

Irene:
Oh, yeah, she had to change that. Because last year some of the couples who went out hunting didn't get back for days! Come on.

Godfrey:
Where did they go?

Irene:
Well! I certainly hope you don't think *I* was going to ask them.

Godfrey:
Everybody's dressed.

Irene:
Well, that's only because it said so on the invitation.

Godfrey:
There are a great many animals, madam, that are almost human, and ah, vice versa.

Angelica:
Attention, please! How many here think that we are animals?

Irene:
Is Godfrey your first or your last name?

Godfrey:
Both.

Irene:
Godfrey Godfrey? What's your middle initial?

Godfrey:
G.

Irene:
For?

Irene:
*Interesting*.

Godfrey:
Well, I'm a man who believes that the more milestones there are in somebody's life, the better.

Irene:
Ah, there, you see. It just goes to show you that the more ragged and countered a man is - oh, I'm sorry - the more likely he is to say something that you can quote.

Irene:
She called him a creep! And you know what you said you'd do to her the next time she was rude to somebody.

Mr. Bullock:
You bet I remember. I said I - hey, it was *you* I said that to.

Angelica:
It was not. It was me. And I've never been so humiliated in my life! You said it was stupid of me to go to the opera in weather like this without long underwear.

Mr. Bullock:
*You* said that to *me*, and in front of all those people!

Angelica:
And if that isn't humiliating, I don't know what is, especially at a benefit. You didn't even send them a check.

Cordelia:
What about my car!

Angelica:
No, honey. They want money.

Irene:
It's very very clear to me that you're not at all what you pretend to be.

Godfrey:
I haven't pretended to be anything yet. You haven't given me the chance.

Irene:
His name is Godfrey Godfrey and his middle initial is G which stands for Godfrey. So there!

Godfrey:
Hasn't it occurred to you that I might very easily be a - be a dope peddler, or a murderer?

Irene:
Oh, no! You're not the kind of man that would ever come easily to it, Mr. Godfrey. And anyway, if you really did it, I'm quite sure they had it coming to them.

Godfrey:
Who?

Irene:
Whoever you murdered.

Godfrey:
Well, it's just that little old lady I strangled for her money, you know.

Irene:
Oh, well, we don't have any little old ladies in the house, so you can start in the morning.

Godfrey:
I'm the new, uh...

Molly:
New butler, what else?

Godfrey:
Well, I could be the tax collector, or the milkman, or...

Molly:
Not in this house at this hour.

Irene:
What a perfect butler you'd make. With your voice and your beard and everything. And it's very obvious that somewhere along the line, you come from a family that had at *least* nice table manners.

Molly:
Our turnover in butlers, dear, is so fast, why, I've known 'em to come through that door, pick up a tray, go through *that* door, get fired, and keep going right throught the front door. Time lapse two-and-a-half minutes.

Godfrey:
On one's first day, a word of encouragement is always welcome.

Molly:
He says an hour away from home is an hour added to his life.

Godfrey:
I got the impression last night that he was comparatively sane.

Molly:
He is. But they're gettin' him.

Molly:
Did you catch that? When you said, 'the one with the monkey?' Any normal person would have screamed and said, 'Monkey! What monkey!' Me, after fifteen years, I just nod and say yeah. Believe me, it frightens ya.

Molly:
The old one will get you groggy. The young ones always deliver the knockout blow.

Angelica:
Are you friendly?

Godfrey:
One of the most friendly, madam.

Angelica:
Oh, good.

Molly:
You're about to embark on somethin' you'll spend the rest of your life tryin' to forget.

Angelica:
Do you hear that music?

Godfrey:
Quite clearly, madam.

Angelica:
You do? You're the only one who ever has.

Godfrey:
Some of us are more sensitive than others.

Angelica:
What's that?

Godfrey:
Pixie remover.

Angelica:
Oh, then you see them, too.

Godfrey:
Oh, we're old friends.

Angelica:
You mustn't step on them. I don't like them, but I don't like to see them stepped on.

Angelica:
I do think it's important that people should know eachother's names. That is, of course, if they have pleasant names. I knew a woman once named Harry Rogers, you know. Used to depress me all day just to think about it. Oh! There, now, you see, I've thought about it and I'm all depressed, oh!

Molly:
If you'd like to scream, go right ahead.

Godfrey:
Molly, I don't know any of them very well, but I do think that at least Miss Irene has what I would call a big heart.

Molly:
She's got a stray cat complex. No offense meant.

Godfrey:
Oh, that's all right. But have you ever thought how many stray cats there are in the world these days? And how impossible their lives would be if it weren't for a few stray cat collectors like this girl?

Godfrey:
Mrs. Bullock is the first woman I've met in years with whom I've felt an immediate understanding.

Godfrey:
Any, ah, any hints on how to handle her?

Molly:
There's nothing to it. If you can understand that girlie Aztec language she speaks.

Molly:
You don't feel as if your brain's been eaten away a little?

Godfrey:
So far I haven't noticed.

Mr. Bullock:
I must be out of my mind.

Irene:
Oh, nobody's perfect, dad.

Irene:
Are you a Roman?

Godfrey:
No. I'm an Austrian, miss.

Irene:
Did you have a kangaroo when you were a little boy?

Godfrey:
Oh, you must be thinking about Australia.

Irene:
You could have one here if you wanted to, you know.

Godfrey:
Yes, I'm sure I could, but it wouldn't be the same, somehow. Will you excuse me?

Irene:
If you didn't have a kangaroo when you were a little boy, what did you have?

Godfrey:
Just a parrot, and all it ever said was Merry Christmas.

Irene:
Aww, and what did it say the rest of the year?

Godfrey:
Nothing.

Irene:
Poor Godfrey.

Godfrey:
Thank you.

Mr. Bullock:
Haven't I seen you some place before?

Godfrey:
At your party last night, sir. I'm a little less bearded now.

Cordelia:
This morning I noticed my green dress still hanging in the closet. Why didn't you get it off to the cleaners?

Francesca:
Why, Godfrey! You never had any trouble getting my dresses off... to the cleaners.

Mr. Bullock:
Thank you, uh...

Godfrey:
Godfrey, sir.

Mr. Bullock:
Thank you, Godfreysir.

Molly:
That just goes to prove that old saying - If you can't get affection at home, you may have to go shopping for it.

Godfrey:
How much money have you put in the bank since you started with the Bullocks?

Molly:
Not one red cent.

Godfrey:
How, Molly?

Molly:
I don't trust banks.

Godfrey:
One day, I'm going to have to make an honest woman out of you.

Molly:
Well, by that I hope you don't only mean you'll cure my stealing.

Irene:
You have no right to cross-examine him just because he once wore a beard!

Molly:
I see Cinderella's stepsister's up and prowling.

Godfrey:
You and I could live for about three months on what a silly little thing like this would cost.

Molly:
Together?

Godfrey:
Oh, I couldn't afford you, Molly.

Cordelia:
I don't make you nervous, do I?

Godfrey:
I'm sorry to say you don't.

Mr. Bullock:
Get rid of that animal.

Irene:
Oh, no!

Angelica:
Oh, yes! He doesn't even have the decency to let Vincent sing.

Mr. Bullock:
Smart dog. He can stay.

Angelica:
Sit down beside her, Godfrey, so she can look at you and touch you.

Mr. Bullock:
It's bad enough when the government takes ninety percent of what I make, but when my family takes another forty percent...

Angelica:
Well, I don't see why you want to give the government more than you give your own family.

Angelica:
Now, we mustn't try to come between Irene and Godfrey. He's the only things she's shown any affection for since her spaniel died last summer.

Angelica:
Play something, Vincent. The way they do to avoid a panic when the theater's on fire.

Angelica:
You know, I think maybe that's why the Star Spangled Banner never became really popular. No one could ever remember the words.

Godfrey:
Hasn't your mother ever explained to you that some things are proper and some things are not?

Irene:
No. You have to be wayward to get any attention from mother.

Godfrey:
I'm your butler, Miss Irene. I'm not your host.

Irene:
Well, of all the unhospitality!

Cordelia:
I've never heard of such a thing. The butler telling the family he works for that they have to be dressed and downstairs for breakfast by nine o' clock every morning. And the family doing it!

Godfrey:
How is your husband, madam?

Francesca:
Which one?

Godfrey:
Any one.

Irene:
What does the man want out of life?

Molly:
He told me once.

Irene:
What?

Molly:
Peace, and quiet.

Francesca:
I found out exactly the dress she was going to wear, and I had it copied. Then, I walked right up to their table and I said to the girl I considered it an insult to *her* that they sold *me* the same dress, and I would take it right off! She would just have to say the word.

Francesca:
No, but he did.

Francesca:
And so I took it off!

Francesca:
Of course! The prince and I have been close friends ever since.

Irene:
Well, we never could find anything to talk about and we'd just sit there. And then my father would get worried that it was going to fall through, and he'd offer to set whoever it was up in business, and whoever it was would run like crazy. Which only gave Cordelia another chance to be really funny and sarcastic. So I finally said, who needs it?

Godfrey:
Who needs love?

Irene:
Who needs Cordelia knocking herself out at my expense?

Francesca:
I did what any well-trained employer would do. I said, Godfrey, if you really feel that your wife and five children need you more than we do, good luck.

Angelica:
*Five* children?

Francesca:
It is five, isn't it?

Godfrey:
Somewhere about that, madam.

Godfrey:
No caviar for you for three days.

Molly:
Upstairs, he's yours. Downstairs, he's mine.

Francesca:
You know, I could be at the bottom of the ocean and Elliott would still find me and put in a call to me.

Godfrey:
I fell in love with the Statue of Liberty.

Godfrey:
It's so hard to make beds when they're full of people.

Francesca:
You have a wonderful memory.

Godfrey:
Pleasant things are hard to forget.

Francesca:
Here's my luck, added to yours.

Angelica:
I think it's terrible the way some men treat their families. There's a story in here about a man who drowned his wife in the bathtub.

Mr. Bullock:
Maybe it was the only way he could get her to take a bath.

Godfrey:
Are you married again, and how many times since I saw you?

Godfrey:
She was suddenly taken with an acute case of embarrassment, and had to leave.

Angelica:
Must a man be drunk just because he pays us a compliment?

Hubert:
Someone just said that I'm engaged to marry you.

Irene:
Well, you are and shut up about it!

Angelica:
You and Cordelia seem to think just because I've only been married once, I don't know anything about life.

Godfrey:
You belong to that unfortunate category that I would call the "Park Avenue brat". A spoiled child who's grown up in ease and luxury... who's always had her own way... and who's misdirected energies are so childish that they hardly deserve the comment, even of a butler on his off Thursday.

Francesca:
I'm sure Elliott's Rolls Royce is in front, and I don't mind being followed by men, but Rolls Royces always embarrass me.

Angelica:
Oh, dear.

Mr. Bullock:
What's that?

Angelica:
Oh, I hope it wasn't the big yellow vase with the fauns frolicking on it.

Godfrey:
No, madam, that was the green one with the cupids capering on it.

Angelica:
Oh.

Mr. Bullock:
Thank you, Godfrey.

Godfrey:
One does what one can, sir.

Angelica:
If you're going to be rude to my daughter, you might at *least* remove that cigar from your mouth.

Motor Cop:
Pull over, lady.

Irene:
I've got no time for you now!

Motor Cop:
Will you pull over?

Irene:
Will you get lost?

Angelica:
No need to suspect Molly. She's been with us forever.

Molly:
No, ma'am. It just seems that way sometimes.

Lieutenant O'Connor:
Are you retired from the force, Grodin?

Second Detective:
No, sir.

Lieutenant O'Connor:
Don't be so sure.

Francesca:
After a sleepless night, men go to the steam room and women wear dark glasses.

Lieutenant O'Connor:
Where did you work before you came here?

Irene:
Where did *you* work before? For the Spanish Inquisition?

Mr. Bullock:
Now, you've been with us for quite a while now. Why do you stay on? I have to. You don't.

Francesca:
There's only one thing Elliott doesn't have, and that's me.

Mr. Bullock:
Boys, I want to apologize for my family.

Lieutenant O'Connor:
That's all right, sir. We can see what you're up against.

Francesca:
You really have grown very fond of that family, haven't you?

Godfrey:
Sort of.

Francesca:
All of them?

Godfrey:
Some of them.

Godfrey:
Now look. I'm not going to let you marry somebody just to help *me* out.

Francesca:
Darling, no one lets a woman marry or even talks her into it. I made up my mind weeks ago to marry Elliott. And there's no law that says I can't do what I want, and also benefit by it.

Godfrey:
That Rolls Royce definitely cramps my style.

Mr. Bullock:
It's not going to kill this family to act like normal, healthy people for a while.

Irene:
I'm grown up!

Godfrey:
Then act grown up.

Angelica:
Maybe they have news of Vincent.

Mr. Bullock:
If they have, so help me, I'll never pay another cent of taxes.

Irene:
Nobody will let me help them, because they say I only make matters worse. Now is that really true?

Godfrey:
Sometimes, it is, yes.

Francesca:
No undying gratitude, please.