Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!

Frank:
It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Jane Spencer:
I've heard police work is dangerous.

Frank:
It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

Jane Spencer:
Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

Frank:
I used to have that problem.

Jane Spencer:
What did you do about it?

Frank:
I just think about baseball.

Frank:
It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane Spencer:
Goodyear?

Frank:
No, the worst.

Frank:
Just think, next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

Frank:
It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press.

Mayor:
Now Drebin, I don't want any trouble like you had on the South Side like last year, that's my policy.

Frank:
Well, when I see five weirdos dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in front of a full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards, that's my policy.

Mayor:
That was a Shakesphere In The Park Production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

Ed:
A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. What we need are hard facts.

Frank:
Look, Ed. Ludwig was the only one besides us who knew Nordberg was still alive. Next thing you know, some thug tries to knock him off in the hospital.

Ed:
Yeah, but going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.

Frank:
I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.

Frank:
Jane, since I've met you I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

Frank:
Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute before until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.

Frank:
Interesting... Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

Jane Spencer:
I was young. I needed the work.

Frank:
Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!

Ed:
He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.

Frank:
Well, uh...

Jane Spencer:
I wanted you to know, now, I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop. I'm a very lucky woman.

Frank:
So am I...

Frank:
Bingo!

Vincent Ludwig:
Cuban?

Frank:
No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

Jane Spencer:
Would you like a nightcap?

Frank:
No thank you, I don't wear them.

Ed:
Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50 - 50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that.

Frank:
Yeah!

Frank:
I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!

Ludwig:
So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?

Frank:
Yes, he's in the intensive care ward at Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Frank:
I've got nine more.

Nurse #2:
Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?

Mrs. Nordberg:
Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?

Frank:
It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

Frank:
Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

Frank:
I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

Frank:
I'd known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She'd hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don't recall her playing an instrument or be able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact I bought her a harp for christmas. She asked me what it was.

Jane Spencer:
How could you do something so vicious

Vincent Ludwig:
It was easy my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.

Frank:
oh, say can you see, buy the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming. who's bright strips and broad stars, in the parelious night, o'er the rampart's we watched, as the da da, da, da, da, da, and the rocket's red glare, lots of bombs in the air, gave proof to the night, that we still had a flag, oh say does that spangle banner wave, over all-l-l-l-l that's free, over the home, of the land, and the land of the free!

Ed:
You want to take a dingy?

Frank:
No, I took care of that at the press conference.

Mayor:
Entering without a search warrant, destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo... what the hell's got into you, Frank?

Jane Spencer:
I'm boiling a roast. How hot and wet do you like it?

Frank:
Verry hot, and awfully wet.

Truck Driver:
Ya DUMB BROAD!

Driving instructor:
Stephanie, calmly extend your right arm. Extend your middle finger. Well done.