National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Clark W. Griswold:
Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the luggage, and well, I'll be outside for the season.

Clark W. Griswold:
[as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file] Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Clark W. Griswold:
[the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.

Clark W. Griswold:
LOTTA SAP in here. [Spits then gives an a-ok sign] Looks great! Little full, Lotta sap!!

Clark W. Griswold:
The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.

Clark W. Griswold:
I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Clark W. Griswold:
Can't see the line, can you Russ?

Clark W. Griswold:
[Handing Christmas lights to Russ] Unravel these. We need to check every bulb. [Pulls out a huge tangle of lights] Oop. Little knot here, you can work on that. [Hands it to Russ]

Clark W. Griswold:
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny F***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white body down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.

Clark W. Griswold:
Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey sh*t he is! Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

Clark W. Griswold:
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.

Clark W. Griswold:
[To Eddie] Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead?

Clark W. Griswold:
Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W. Griswold, Jr. Remember, don't try this at home kids; I am a professional. Later dudes. Let 'er rip. Hang ten!

Cousin Eddie:
If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

Cousin Eddie:
They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd wet my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

Cousin Eddie:
I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.

Cousin Eddie:
[Clark Griswold stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet into the sewer drain] Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!

Cousin Eddie:
[walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark. [to Mr. Shirley] You about ready to do some kissing?

Cousin Eddie:
Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

Cousin Eddie:
He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.

Cousin Eddie:
Over here? Well this is nothin...but if this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

Cousin Eddie:
[After finding out that Clark is getting to be a member of the Jelly of the Month Club instead of getting his bonus] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Audrey Griswold:
Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?

Ellen Griswold:
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

Ellen Griswold:
Welcome to our home - what's left of it.

Art:
Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.

Aunt Bethany:
[after reaching the Griswolds' house] Is your house on fire, Clark?

Aunt Bethany:
Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Mr. Shirley:
Put it over there with the others, Greazeball.

Mr. Shirley:
[Picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

Aunt Bethany:
It's a funny, squeaky sound.

Uncle Lewis:
Hey Gris! If you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogies!

Uncle Lewis:
[to Aunt Bethany] You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant!

Clark Sr.:
It's a beaut Clark. It's a beaut.

Yule crack up!

There's No Place Like Home For A Holiday!

Clark:
Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!

Rusty Griswold:
Dad, I think what you mean is "burn rubber" and "eat my dust".

Clark:
Whatever Russ, whatever. Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!

Ellen:
Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.

Clark:
That's all part of the experience, honey.

Todd Chester:
(mockingly) Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark:
Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd Chester:
(angrily) You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold.

Clark:
I wasn't talking to you. [looking at his wife, Margo]

Ellen:
You set standards that no family activity can live up to.

Clark:
When have I ever done that?

Ellen:
Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

[Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches]

Mary:
Can I show you something?

Clark:
Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing.

Mary:
For your wife? For your girlfriend?

Clark:
Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. [Mops his forehead with a pair of panties] Well, I guess it just wouldn't... [Realizes what he'd done and puts the panties back] Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?

Mary:
You have your coat on.

Clark:
Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?

Mary:
Because it's cold out?

Clark:
Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' [Laughs] What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

Clark:
'Tis the season to be merry.

Mary:
That's my name.

Clark:
No sh*t.

[While eating dinner, Uncle Lewis smokes a cigar and drops it. A flame engulfs in the living room for a split second. Clark notices it and walks into the living room]

Clark:
Lewis?? [Tears up when he sees that his Christmas tree has been burnt into a crisp] MY TREE!

Uncle Lewis:
What's the matter with you?

Clark:
Look what you've done to my tree!!! [Notices that Lewis is on fire in the back of his clothes] LEWIS! [Uses a curtain, grabs Lewis and pats his back to put out the fire]

[Others come in and look at the destroyed tree]

Art:
It was an ugly tree anyway.

Uncle Lewis:
At least it's out of its misery!

Aunt Bethany:
Is your house on fire, Clark?

Clark Griswold:
No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Aunt Bethany:
Don't throw me down, Clark.

Clark Griswold:
I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.

Ellen:
Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.

Aunt Bethany:
Oh dear, did I break wind?

Uncle Lewis:
Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? No, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

Uncle Lewis:
Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.

Clark:
Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.

Uncle Lewis:
Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

Aunt Bethany:
This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?

Ellen:
Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody.

Aunt Bethany:
Hello, everybody?

Ellen:
Just in the living room...

Aunt Bethany:
I should say it?

Ellen:
You should say it.

Aunt Bethany:
Hello, everybody!

Ellen:
Hello, everybody.

Russ:
Dad.

Clark:
Yeah.

Russ:
This box is meowing.

Clark:
Let me see.

[Clark takes the present, shakes it, and a cat wildly meows]

Clark:
She wrapped up her damn cat!

Ellen:
Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.

Clark:
Then we'll have a cat running around the house.

Ellen:
We can't leave it in the box.

Russ:
Why would someone put a cat in a box?

Ellen:
She gets confused, Rusty. She's old. She and Uncle Louis don't have much money, so she takes things from around the house, wraps them up, and gives them away as presents.

Russ:
[Mock enthusiasm] Great! Can't wait to see what I got.

Eddie:
[comes in with another of Aunt Bethany's gifts] This one here, it's leakin'. [Ellen touches the liquid coming out with her finger and Eddie lick it] It's lime!

Ellen:
That would be her Jell-O mold.

Eddie:
You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark:
Surprised Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

Ellen:
What are you looking at?

Clark:
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...

[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]

Eddie:
[yells] Shitter was full!

Clark:
Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Ellen:
Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.

Clark:
He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.

Ruby Sue:
Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous because Christmas is almost here.

Clark:
Nervous or excited?

Ruby Sue:
Shitting bricks.

Clark:
You shouldn't use that word.

Ruby Sue:
Sorry. Shitting rocks.

Eddie:
Well, they replaced it with a plastic one 'cause every time Katherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. And it ain't real sturdy so... I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark:
Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Eddie:
[gesturing over the left side of his head] Well, you see, the plate runs underneath my part here, and the other side... [bangs his right side] Nothing. But here, if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't gonna look right.

Clark:
Yeah, I know the feeling.

Eddie:
[talking about Snots, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly, Clark, he'll love you till the day you die.

Clark:
I really shouldn't, Eddie, my hands are all chapped.

Margo:
And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

Todd:
I don't KNOW, Margo.

Margo:
You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.

Todd:
I can't just attack someone.

Margo:
All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this junk, then I am.

Audrey:
Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?

Ellen:
Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.

Audrey:
I have nightmares about what he does in his bed alone when I'm not lying right next to him.

Clark:
Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany:
What dear?

Nora:
Grace!

Aunt Bethany:
Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...

Uncle Lewis:
They want you to say grace.... [Bethany looks confused. Lewis emphasizes his words] The BLESS-ING!!!

Aunt Bethany:
Oh.

[everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads]

Aunt Bethany:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, [Clark makes a confused face towards Aunt Bethany] and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark:
[Annoyed] Amen.

Aunt Bethany:
What's that sound? [everybody looks up, and returns to activities, then Clark starts hearing it] Do you hear it!? It's a funny, squeaking sound.

Uncle Lewis:
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]

Art:
[sarcastically] Beautiful, Clark.

Frances:
Talk about spending your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.

Audrey Griswold:
He worked really hard, Grandma.

Art:
So do washing machines.

Clark:
Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we?

Rusty:
Sure, Dad.

Clark:
Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...

Rusty:
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

"It's the gift that keeps on giving." Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie

Todd:
Well, obviously something had to break the window, SOMETHING had to hit the stereo!

Margo:
And why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

Todd:
I don't KNOW, Margo.

Clark W. Griswold:
[last lines] I did it.

Cousin Eddie:
Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy and I sold him my house for that right there vehicle.

Art:
The little lights aren't twinkling.

Clark:
I know, Art. And thanks for noticing.

Ruby Sue:
Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?

Clark:
I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

[Snots is choking under the table making it shake]

Clark:
Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?

[Snots gags again, table shakes]

Eddie:
(Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone.

[Snot coughs up the bone]

Eddie:
He got it up. He's alright, now.

Cousin Eddie:
'Yeah... I got the daughter in the clinic, gettin' cured off of the Wild Turkey, and the older boy, bless his soul is preparing for his career.

Clark W. Griswold, Sr.:
[Extreme close-up] SQUIRREL!!!!