Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

The Great Man:
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see the horse that used to be tethered outside here.

His Niece:
We're dropping 2,000 feet!

The Great Man:
It's all right, dear. Don't start worrying 'til we get down 1,999. The last foot is dangerous.

The Great Man:
You're about to fall heir to a kitten's stocking.

The Great Man:
A sock on the puss.

The Great Man:
How'd you like to hide the egg and gurgitate a few saucers of mocha java?

Waitress:
And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands.

The Great Man:
Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

Receptionist:
Some day you'll drown in a vat of whiskey!

The Great Man:
Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death, where is thy sting?

The Great Man:
No, I couldn't stand the noise.

His Niece:
Why didn't you ever marry?

The Great Man:
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

The Producer:
This script is an insult to a man's intelligence. Even mine.

The Great Man:
Suffering sciatica!

The Great Man:
Ah... Ah... maternity hospital.

Fields (to a heckling youngster):
You're about to fall heir to a kitten stocking.

Kid:
What's a kitten stocking?

Fields:
A sock on the puss!

Fields:
Is there any goulash on this menu?

Waitress:
[wiping a spot off the menu] It's roast beef gravy.

Waitress:
And another thing. You're always squawking about something. If it isn't the steak, it's something else.

Fields:
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Waitress:
You're as funny as a cry for help.

Fields:
You used to be an old Follies girl?

Waitress:
You know, there's something awfully big about you. [pause] Your nose.

Fields:
[Looking at her rear end] There's something awfully big about you too.

Receptionist:
[talking on the phone] You big hotty-dottie. You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night. Someday, you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Fields:
Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death where is thy sting?

Flight Attendant:
Are you air sick?

Fields:
Somebody put too many olives in my martinis last night.

Ouliotta:
Are you really a man?

Fields:
Well, I've been called other things.

Mrs. Hemoglobin:
Men. Men. They're all alike. They'll deceive you as your father did me. He kissed a chorus girl and when I found out he said, 'Oh, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing.'

Ouliotta:
Do you think he drinks?

Mrs. Hemoglobin:
He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.

Peter Carson:
[about Mrs. Hemoglobin] She has a bank roll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.

Fields:
She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me.

Gloria Jean:
We're falling two thousand feet!

Fields:
All right, dear. Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous.

Gloria Jean:
But how can you look out for me when I'm here and you're way down there?

Fields:
You want to go to school, don't you?...You want to grow up and be dumb like ZaSu Pitts?

Radio report:
...two crooks who have just held up the bank for one hundred and fifty thousand...that is all.

Fields:
That is all? A hundred and fifty thousand. That's all. It ain't hay, is it?

Radio report:
...One crook - slight build, evidently a jockey, has a horse scar behind his left ear...other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear, apple-red cheeks, mutton-chop whiskers.

Fields:
Sounds like a full-course dinner to me! What? No apple pie?

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
[to a pretty girl] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girl's boyfriend punches him] All five of 'em hit me at once.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
[after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
[about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
[offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
[after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
[to Gloria Jean] Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
There's no sense arguing with a woman.

The Great Man, W.C. Fields/Uncle Bill:
Lucky we didn't have an accident...We'd never have made it.

Mr. Pangborn:
This script is an insult to a man's intelligence - even mine...It's impossible, inconceivable, incomprehensible, and besides that, it's no good. And as for the continuity, it's terrible.

Mr. Pangborn:
Marvelous. Wonderful. Amazing. The girl has been living on a mountaintop since she was three months old and for no reason at all, suddenly blossoms out with Jump and Jive. Do you actually think I'm a dope? Now don't you answer that.

Peter Carson:
If that girl is as beautiful as you say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.

Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin:
[after kissing Peter Carson] You must be a professional.

Gloria Jean:
My Uncle Bill...But I still love him.