Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica

Jessica:
I have to go... drop some kids in the pool.

Jessica:
What does it mean when you take a really big breath and it hurts? [inhales big] It hurts really bad right here.

Nick:
It means you shouldn't talk for a day and a half.

Jessica:
Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?

Jessica:
Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea.

Jessica:
Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?

Jessica:
I hate record labels. They think they know everything. I want to hear them try to sing it.

Jessica:
I have bubbles in my tummy... it's just air. It's not stink. Promise.

Jessica:
Is that weird, taking my Louis Vuitton bag camping?

Jessica:
Why were there mouses?

[on the aftermath of death]

Jessica:
Rigor who?

Jessica:
My boob gets in the way.

[after being offered Buffalo wings]

Jessica:
No thanks. I don't eat buffalo.

Jessica:
I still managed to spend $200.

Nick:
That's never been a problem with you.

[discussing the curved champagne glass]

Nick:
It's got a little lean to it. Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it?

Jessica:
Okay.

Nick:
Oh, I can't help myself.

Jessica:
Don't be nasty. And don't tell everybody you lean.

Jessica:
I could feel your teeth.

Nick:
They're not my teeth, actually.

Jessica:
Oh, I forgot. They're "ventures". No, that's dentures.

Nick:
Ventures?

Jessica:
What are they called?

[Nick laughs]

Jessica:
Veneers.

[Nick laughs]

Jessica:
I thought "dentures" and I thought "veneers". And then I came up with "ventures".

Nick:
Yeah. "Think" is the key word.

[trying to tuck in her napkin]

Jessica:
Not there.

Nick:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Jessica:
You'll mess up my cleavage.

Nick:
Impossible.

Nick:
What do you mean we're going to be in Atlantic City on our anniversary.

Jessica:
My dad didn't know it was our anniversary and he scheduled me to perform.

Nick:
Are you kidding me?

Jessica:
I wish. He doesn't know when our anniversary is.

Nick:
Oh, bulls**t he doesn't know when our anniversary is. He was at the wedding.

[saying why she is not going to eat the fast food]

Jessica:
I have a hard booger in my nose, and it makes it - I think it's going to make it bleed.

Jessica:
The first thing I'm going to do is poop.

[opening a birthday present]

Nick:
It's a little display case for my baseballs.

Drew:
Open it up, you douche!

Nick:
Oh, you mean, there's already one in there?

Drew:
I'm cheap but I'm not that cheap!

[discussing Nick's diamond studded watch]

Jessica:
Do you like your gift?

Nick:
I love it Baby. I like it a lot. How much did you pay for it? I'm serious. How much was it?

Jessica:
$55,000

Nick:
Fifty - are you crazy? - $55,000?

[discussing the new sheets Jessica bought]

Nick:
How much were they?

Jessica:
Huh?

Nick:
How much? How much?

Jessica:
$1400.

Nick:
Jessica Simpson!

Jessica:
What? [giggles] Don't be mad. Oh, Nick, come on.

Nick:
$1400 for sheets?

Jessica:
Well, you sleep on 'em every night.

Nick:
I sleep on the ones we got now every night. I don't have a problem.

Jessica:
Well, I don't like them. I don't sleep good.

Nick:
Holy crap. I better have a wet dream when I sleep on those sheets.

Nick:
[to Jessica] Even the washing machine thinks that $1400 is [bleep] ridiculous. It refuses to wash them.

Jessica:
Well, I'm gonna take a shower. And wash off everybody's foot jam.

Nick:
[snickers] Foot- foot jam?

Jessica:
Yeah, I mean, I was in a pool of water all day long that everybody's feet was in.

Nick:
Isn't it toe jam?

Jessica:
Whatever.

[someone reading off restrauntant names]

Guy:
All right, Hamburger Hamlet, Harbor House, Oriental Seafood...

Jessica:
Anal Seafood? What?

Tina:
Angel Seafood.

Jessica:
Oh.

Guy:
No, Oriental Seafood.

Jessica:
Oriental. [laughs] I thought he said "Anal Seafood".

Jessica:
[talking to Nick] Lea had dinner on the table and I had dinner in grocery sacks. I'm sorry.

Jessica:
[talking on the phone] Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties.

Jessica:
So you want to go to Home Depot today?

Nick:
I'm kissing your neck and you ask about Home Depot. What the hell is wrong with that picture?

Nick:
[walking into Home Depot] Alright. Bee killer. Draperies.

Jessica:
No. I'm not getting my draperies at Home Depot.

Jessica:
[talking to Nick] I like your hairy ass. If you want me to lick it, I'll lick it.

Nick:
Do you want to go have sex?

Jessica:
No.

Jessica:
You married me.

Nick:
Don't remind me!

Jessica:
I still love you.

Nick:
What do you mean, 'I still love you.' What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Jessica:
No I mean...

Nick:
I still love you in spite of what? I still love you in spite of what?

Jessica:
In spite of your decorating.

Nick:
Well then you get off your ass and do it.

Drew:
[hanging up albums with Nick] Do you want gold or platinum?

Nick:
Platinum... give me the good stuff.

Jessica:
I'm complaining about the money to get a designer. That is all I'm complaining about. And I will just hire you. That's fine.

Nick:
Well how am I getting paid if you are hiring me?

Jessica:
In the bed.

Nick:
Well I want a raise. With extra benefits.

Jessica:
What are those?

Nick:
You know what I'm talking about.

[Nick is trying to discuss his plans to decorate the house]

Jessica:
You're such a girl. Why do you care? I'm going to do it.

Nick:
Listen, Miss Bossy Britches.

Jessica:
I'm asking you. I'm not bossing.

Nick:
Yes, you are.

Jessica:
I'm not. I'm asking you. Please.

Nick:
No, you didn't ask.

Jessica:
Baby, I'm drunk. Let me be bossy.

[talking on her cell phone]

Jessica:
I'm 23, that's almost 25, and that's almost mid-twenties.

[using "gaa" instead of "God"]

Jessica:
Oh gaa!

Nick:
That's it, I'm going to bed.

[on plane]

Jessica:
Oh gaa!

Lea:
Jessica!

Nick:
Shut it!

[smelling candle]

Jessica:
Oh, I love this scent!

Lea:
What scent is it?

Jessica:
[to friend] Do you remember what scent this is?

[reads label]

Jessica:
Oh, it says it's unscented.

Nick:
Do you remember, right after we got married - I tried to get some in the car and you weren't having it?

Jessica:
Well, no! I wanted my first time to be in a bed. You think I'd wait that long and then go at it in a car? Ew.

Jessica:
We're going to have to re-wall our house.

Jessica:
Get fired up!

Joe Simpson:
Jessica has waited to sing about or have sex until she's married. And now she's married and now and I think we're celebrating the fact that she can do it until she's blue in the face and she can sing about it too.

Jessica:
Whatever, I think they're sluts.

Nick:
[to the waiter] Excuse me, sir, can I just get your opinion on this? Do you think the girls who work at Hooters are sluts?

Waiter:
I really don't have one opinion one way or the other.

Nick:
[Nick looks perplexed.] Well, would you ever date one?

Waiter:
No, I'm gay.

Jessica:
Why don't you open the car door for me any more? At the begining of our marriage you were so eager to open the door for me.

Nick:
Because at the beginning of our marriage I got laid.

Nick:
[before Jessica goes on stage for her concert] I wanna love you forever!

Jessica:
I love the smell of these candles, I wonder what are they again?

[checks label]

Jessica:
Oh, unscented.

Nick Lachey:
I have never before talked to someone on the phone while I took a leak.

Jessica Simpson:
What?

Nick Lachey:
I'm taking a leak and this guy is like talk to my girlfriend

Jessica Simpson:
Did he look down?

Nick Lachey:
I don't know I wasn't looking to see where he was looking.

Jessica Simpson:
I would always pee in a stall, 'cus people would be like oh I saw Nick's penis, or maybe, *wow* I saw Nick's penis!