Night of the Comet

Willy:
If bachlorette number one isn't out here in half a tick I'm gonna ice bachlorette number two, got it?

Samantha:
You were born with an a**hole, Doris, you don't need Chuck.

Samantha:
Daddy would have gotten us Uzis.

Willy:
I'm not crazy, I just don't give a f***.

Regina Belmont:
Have you ever been hit with Dots, Mel? Milk Duds? Those things hurt!

Willy:
You wouldn't believe what we want from you. In your worst nightmare you wouldn't believe.

Willy:
Let's play a game, it's called scary noises.

Samantha:
The burden of civilization is among us...

Danny Mason Kenner aka DMK:
Ohhh. Bitchen, isn't it?

Samantha:
Nobody's the Phone Company anymore!

Brian, Survivor Child:
I don't believe in Santa Claus.

Dr. Carter, Project Chief:
WHAT? You don't believe in Santa?

Regina:
  Do you have your, uh—do you have your MasterCard on you?

Samantha:
  No…

Regina:
  Good, 'cause you don't need it: the stores are open!

Regina:
  They said you were dead!

Samantha:
  They were exaggerating, totally!

Hector:
  [yelling at government scientists]  Hey!  "Think tank," huh?

Regina:
  Uh, couldn't we just, like, leave?

Hector:
  [giving government scientists the finger]  Think over this!

Samantha:
  [calling across street to others after Regina pushes crosswalk button]  What are you waiting for?

Hector:
  We're waiting for the light to change.

Regina:
  We do not cross against the light!

Samantha:
  [looks at red crosswalk light]  Are you nuts, "Auntie Regina"?

Regina:
  [sighs]  You may as well face the facts, Samantha: the whole burden of civilization has fallen upon us.

Samantha:
  What's that supposed to mean?

Regina:
  It means we do not cross against the light!

Samantha:
  [walking out into street]  That's totally stupid: there's nobody here!  See?  We're talking ghost town!  [runs out of way of Mercedes-Benz 380SL that suddenly comes speeding around corner]

Regina:
  [to Brian]  See what happens?

Danny:
  [after turning his car around and stopping next to Samantha]  God, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't cross against the light like that.  [pause]  Hey, you guys are survivors, too, huh?  [Samantha looks upward, mouths "thank you"]  What?

Samantha:
  Nothing.  Great car.

Danny:
  Thanks, I have twenty-three of em'.  You want to go for a ride?

Samantha:
  More than you know.

Hector:
  [to Regina]  We don't know anything about this guy.  Where's he from?  What's his name?

Samantha:
  [to Danny]  What's your name?

Danny:
  Danny Mason Keener.

Samantha:
  [to others]  Danny Mason Keener, okay?

Regina:
  Yeah, alright, well—just be back by midnight, okay?

Danny:
  Midnight?

Samantha:
  The burden of civilization is on us, okay?

Danny:
  Oh, yeah.  Bitchin', isn't it? [last lines]

Samantha Belmont:
This is Samantha Belmont, one-third owner of the Greater Los Angeles Basin, speaking.

Samantha Belmont:
[after her MAC-10 jams during target practice]  See, this is the problem with these things.  Daddy would have gotten us Uzis.

Samantha Belmont:
My sister, who swiped every guy I ever had my eye on, has now swiped the last guy in the whole freaked out world!

Samantha Belmont:
Hey, I'm sorry if the end of the world makes me a little nervous.

Audrey White:
If something's wrong, it's wrong; majority rule doesn't have anything to do with it.

Audrey White:
Seems to be the perfect Christmas gift this year.

Narrator:
  Since before recorded time, it had swung through the universe in an elliptical orbit so large that its very existence remained a secret of time and space.  But now, in the last few years of the twentieth century, the visitor was returning.  The citizens of Earth would get an extra Christmas present this year as their planet orbited through the tail of the comet.  Scientists predicted a light show of stellar proportions, something not seen on earth for sixty-five million years—indeed not since the time that the dinosaurs disappeared—virtually overnight.  There were a few who saw this as more than just a coincidence, but most didn't…

Steve LaBeau:
  I'm Steve LaBeau, trapped inside your radio, the guy who really cares about you; I mean, who else would sit in this little box everyday just to play music?

Regina Belmont:
  Come on, Hector: the MAC-10 submachine gun was practically designed for housewives.

Hector Gomez:
  [after child zombie smashes fist through door]  Geez!  There goes the neighbourhood.

Sarah  I don't know, my parents told me never to breathe anything from strangers.