Nip/Tuck

Gina Russo:
What's the matter, Christian, not turned on by pregnant women?

Christian Troy:
No, just not turned on by you.

Christian Troy:
You didn't have an orgasm, is that right?

Grace Santiago:
Not a shudder.

Christian Troy:
You're a liar. I rode you like a triple crown jockey, and you came.

Grace Santiago:
Get out of my face right now.

Christian Troy:
I counted each contraction. Three times. Or were you doing your Kegel exercises?

Grace Santiago:
[whispers] Lock the door.

[at the start of a consultation]

Sean/Christian:
Tell me what you don't like about yourself?

Julia McNamara:
Do you know how long it has been since I have heard you laugh? Since I have even seen you be emotional about anything? Jesus, Sean, I haven't seen you cry since Matt was born.

Sean McNamara:
I'm not going to apologize for that. I'm a surgeon. If I get emotional patients die.

Julia McNamara:
I'm not one of your patients, Sean! I'm your wife! And on your watch, a death has occurred, the death of you and me. This marriage doesn't even have a pulse anymore.

Christian Troy:
Can I buy you a drink?

Kimberly Henry:
I don't drink.

Christian Troy:
May I buy you an appetizer?

Kimberly Henry:
I don't eat. I'm a model.

Sean McNamara:
Matt's having trouble at school, and he told you this?

Christian Troy:
He's torn up. I guess he was showering in gym and sh*t and some tough guys were laughing at him and calling him AntEater.

Sean McNamara:
AntEater?

Christian Troy:
Basically, he's self-conscious about his dick, and he wants a circumcision.

Sean McNamara:
He doesn't need a circumcision. That's a vanity operation.

Christian Troy:
We're in the vanity business, Sean. It's what we do. Appearance is everything to a kid. It's how you fit in. Snip, snip, he feels better about himself, and you, sir, can make that happen. How cool is fatherhood?

Sean McNamara:
I'm not doing anything to my son's penis or my wife's breasts. I don't want my family infected by what we do here.

Kimberly Henry:
I don't understand this! I haven't heard form him since my operation. It thought that we were gonna be together.

Sean McNamara:
Ms. Henry, I think you're confusing Dr. Troy's pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotions.

Liz Winters:
If it's any consolation to ya, honey, you're not the first girl he's done this to, but at least you got a good set of tits out of it, so heal in more ways than one and just go on with your life.

Quentin Costa:
[after Julia has just fired him] You're a b*tch.

Julia McNamara:
At least I'm not your b*tch.

[during an operation]

Sean McNamara:
You're shaving too deep.

Christian Troy:
It's fine.

Sean McNamara:
Do you want it fine or do you want it perfect?

Christian:
[about Dr. Santiago] She's a troublemaker and her shoes are cheap.

Christian:
The line that divides the porn industry and the plastic surgery is a thin one. We're both selling fantasy, aren't we?

Christian Troy:
I think I work better on women I've screwed. Once you've seen a woman's cumface, you've seen her soul.

Kimberly Henry:
FYI, I met some movie producers who think I'm the bomb. They can't wait to get into the Kimber Henry business.

Gina Russo:
My tits are ripe. And this blouse is silk, stains are forever. So, I need you to suck it up.

Grace Santiago:
I keep forgetting about the hierarchy of McNamara/Troy, I keep imagining I'm apart of it.

Sean McNamara:
You were brought aboard with the promise of parity.

Grace Santiago:
What about respect? It's because I slept with Christian, isn't it? Suddenly I'm no longer a professional with credentials, I'm just his latest conquest.

Sean McNamara:
I'm not here to pass judgement on your promiscuity.

Grace Santiago:
Why don't you admit it Sean. You're operating out of repressed rage because I rejected you and slept with your partner.

Sean McNamara:
Dr. Santiago, as a professional, it should have been obvious when I came on to you that I was acting out because of trouble with my marriage, it wasn't personal. It could have been anyone after you.

[Grace storms off]

Christian Troy:
You had no right to fire my nanny.

Gina Russo:
I don't want my child around cheap common whores.

Christian Troy:
He's around you all the time. Oh correction, you're an expensive whore.

Dr. Erica Noughton:
Why? Do you have a sub-conscious desire to harm me?

Sean McNamara:
I assure you, any desire I have to harm you is totally conscious.

Salesman:
You liked Gina before she conceived, you're gonna love her now, she's a tigress!

Christian Troy:
Did you screw her?

Salesman:
Well... yeah. She told me about your guys situation, I thought you were cool!

Christian Troy:
[shoves salesman] You're bragging to me about banging the mother of my unborn child, and you think I'm cool with that? What kind of sick freak are you?

Salesman:
She told me you weren't together!

Christian Troy:
What's the difference? That's my god damn child you're poking at!

Salesman:
She was just so lonely and beautiful. You can't see it, but I can!

Christian Troy:
[knocks salesman down] Cancel my order! Stay away from my kid!

Sean McNamara:
Remember, We're treating a patient here, not just a vagina.

Christian Troy:
That's easy for you to say. You've never been with Vagina Gina.

Liz Winters:
[to Christian Troy] You really want to get inside a woman? Stop thinking like a dick.

Sean McNamara:
I'd rather be a good doctor who helps people than a brilliant doctor who hurts them.

Matt McNamara:
Look, what's happened between the three of you is painful. But we can fix this.

Sean McNamara:
Your Mother slept with my best friend, and you were the result, and I didn't know for 17 years, so stop defending them!

Matt McNamara:
Yeah, and my Mother is sleeping in a hotel because you kicked her out, and I can hear you crying thorough the walls at night, so don't you dare scream at me!

Christian Troy:
Sorry I'm late.

Miss Wentworth:
Have a seat, Mr. McNamara.

Christian Troy:
It's Troy. Dr. Christian Troy.

Miss Wentworth:
I'm confused. I thought you were his father.

Christian Troy:
I am. I'm his, uh, biological father.

Matt McNamara:
I have 2 dads.

Miss Wentworth:
Well, was there a divorce? Oh, got it. 2 dads. Emily Willis has 2 momies. We're seeing more and more of this.

Christian Troy:
Matt's father is my partner, Dr. Sean McNamara.

Miss Wentworth:
I understand.

Matt McNamara:
They're not gay, Miss Wentworht. My Mom slept with Christian before she married my Dad.

Adrian Moore:
Technically, I don't have any father figures, but Matt's living in my house and screwing my Mom, so I pretend he's my Dad.

Ava Moore:
It's true, Miss Wentworth. Matt and I are lovers. I was his life coach.

Adrian Moore:
You see, Matt has a problem. He's a premature ejaculator.

Miss Wentworth:
Ok, enough. I deal with dysfunctional families on a daily basis. And trust me, everyone has a story, and none of you are that special.

Sean McNamara:
Did you urinate in the soap dispenser, Matt? This act of aggression isn't funny, what's funny about it?

Matt McNamara:
This whole thing is funny, Dad. It's idiotic.

Sean McNamara:
I asked you a question, Matt. Did you do this?

Matt McNamara:
No.

Sean McNamara:
Adrian, was it you?

Adrian Moore:
Ohh. He's scary, your other dad.

Sean McNamara:
You're not leaving here until I get an answer.

Ava Moore:
Don't you dare threaten my son.

Adrian Moore:
Yeah, I urinated in the soap dispenser. You wanna spank me?

Ava Moore:
[to Adrian] You're not too old to get a backhand and I'm wearing heavy rings.

Sean McNamara:
Erotic is when you use a fetaher. Porn is when you use the whole chicken... and this girl's been through A LOT of chicken.

Sean McNamara:
I know your body. I always have. I know where you live and breathe.

Julia McNamara:
Then how come I haven't had an orgasm in two years?

Sean McNamara:
Because I didn't want to work that hard.

Christian:
[in reference to the vandalizing of his car] I'm serious, I felt violated. The last time I felt like this was back in the early 90s when some girl shoved her finger up my butt with no warning.

Gina Russo:
Hey a**hole, my water just broke.

Sean McNamara:
Are you saying that I have your ineptitude to thank for my success?

Christian Troy:
No, you have my 10 inch dick to thank.

Christian Troy:
Ever notice how "monogamy" rhymes with "monotony"?

Christian Troy:
[addressing a competing plastic surgeon who's wearing a white suit] Merrill. You look like a Q-Tip.

[after a girl's night out makeover]

Liz Winters:
I don't look like me!

Sophia Lopez:
Well, I'm sorry. They don't make a lipstick shade called "BullDyke"

[in a bar where industrial music is playing, Christian moves in on a younger woman]

Christian Troy:
Would you believe the sh*t that passes for music these days?

25 Year Old Woman:
You should come here Wednesdays, it's oldies night.

Julia McNamara:
[to Christian Troy] When did you become so cruel?

Sean McNamara:
[to Christian before his rectal exam after being raped by the Carver] What part of you being or having an a**hole could shock me?

Christian Troy:
I'm a wildly successful plastic surgeon and I have a 33-inch waist. I'm a superhero, so now I'm going to put my cape back on and get back out there.

Christian Troy:
If you'll excuse me I'm going upstairs to pay somebody to pretend they like me.

Quentin Costa:
You're a b*tch.

Julia McNamara:
Maybe, but at least I'm not yours.

Liz Winters:
[looking at a patient undergoing a butt lift] Ass implants. What will they think of next?

Kimberly Henry:
Death is just the ultimate orgasm of life.

Christian Troy:
None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you could be grateful that when your body rubs against someone else's, it explodes with enough pleasure that you can forget, even for a minute, that you're only a walking pile of ashes.

Christian Troy:
[In reference to a woman who was on the schedule to have her lips, which were burnt off, rebuilt using skin from her vagina. However, Sean removed her citing concerns over her husband, whom she says doesn't go down on women and might find out where the skin came from] I'm putting p*ssy lips back on the schedule!

The Carver:
Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from seeing who the real monsters are.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Why is it that we see what we wanna believe, but we don't believe what we see?

Dr. Liz Cruz:
Because we have hope. Because we wanna believe in the good. Because usually the truth just sucks.

Sean McNamara:
[Sean and Christian are talking about how their recertification cadavar bodies died] How did your head die?

Christian Troy:
Heart attack. Yours?

Sean McNamara:
Suicide. Do you believe in that?

Christian Troy:
[pauses] I think that if a person is in a great deal of pain, physical or spiritual, and they've exhausted all their options, I wouldn't judge them for it. I'd say a silent prayer and hope death brought them the piece of mind live never could give them.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Please, I need to believe in something.

Agatha Ripp:
Don't you get it? There is nothing to believe in anymore.

Agatha Ripp:
Going through life with no faith in anything is the worst hell of all, don't you think?

Christian:
Sorry, no pro bono for boning a pro

Matt McNamara:
We just felt this connection.

Christian Troy:
Yeah, it's called DNA!

Mistress Dark Pain:
You are not in charge here! You talk when I say you can talk!

Mistress Dark Pain:
You're gonna be fun to work with.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
God, I wish I was single sometimes.

Dr. Christian Troy:
Well, you know what they say, "For every beautiful woman, there's a guy that's tired of screwing her."

Jude Sawyer:
Threesomes, foursomes, moresomes. They're everywhere. They're like Starbucks!

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Tell us what you don't like about yourself.

Dawn Budge:
Nothin' money can't buy. I have a few extra layers on my pound cake, that's where you come in.

Dr. Christian Troy:
So, you'd like some liposuction Mrs. Budge.

Dawn Budge:
I mean all over. Even behind my ears. Whatever it costs, I can afford it. I hit the big power ball, $300,81,000,000. Maybe you saw me on Maury?

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Congratulations.

Dr. Christian Troy:
Wow.

Dawn Budge:
Excuse me, *I* won it. I am the one, who sat for two hours, in the humidity, my fat ass in a broken' down lawn chair, just to buy my tickets. While these two bugeritas were stayin' home to watch a re-run of "The Ghost Whisperer".

Dwight Budge:
It was the second two-parter Dawn!

Mallory Budge:
The only reason you didn't stay home was cause you had already seen it, Ma.

Dawn Budge:
Zip it, Mallory!

Dawn Budge:
Anyways, after I won, the first thing I purchased, were the exact replicas of the mirrors of Louis the XIV has in Versailles. Ya know, France? $15,000 a piece. I would have paid $5000,000,000. After I had them professionally hung, I looked at myself in them and thought, Pudge Budge has got to go. It is time my body matched my bank account.

Mallory Budge:
[laughs] If that's what your after, hell, you'd been skinny your whole life. She was only making $15,000 down at the Jiffy Lube.

Dawn Budge:
Can you sew her mouth shut? I mean literately. Can you put a zipper on there? Because I swear to you, I will do it!

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Is there something your interested in having done Mallory?

Mallory Budge:
[Looks down at her chest] I want some new tits.Big ones.

Dawn Budge:
Finally, something we agree on. I mean shes gotta do something about those mosquito bites, shes never gonna get a man and move the hell out of my house. While you're in there, do something about her belly button. It's disgusting. Show the doctors Mallory.

Mallory Budge:
[Mallory lifts up her shirt to expose her bellybutton] I always thought it was kinda cute.

Dawn Budge:
How the hell are ya gonna walk around South Beach in a Tube Top? Look Dwight, it's bigger then your penis.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Mr. Budge, we haven't herd much from you. Do you think your daughter's...

Dawn Budge:
Excuse me, Dwight is my second husband, he is not Mallory's father. He is here, because he would like a bigger dick. And those pumps? A total waste of money.

Dr. Christian Troy:
So, you would like a penis enlargement Mr. Budge.

Dwight Budge:
Aw, hell, I don't know, I never really thought of having an operation.

Dawn Budge:
It never came into your head before because we could never afford it homey. Now, that's all changed now. We're the rich folks now. It's time that we got what we deserve, and we deserve these operations.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
I have to say Mrs. Budge, McNamara or Troy won't operate on patients who are uncertain of their convictions.

Dawn Budge:
No, no, they want them, it's all we talked about from the drive down from Pensacola.

Dr. Quentin Costa:
I'm sorry, Kimber. This is very embarrassing. I'm completely starstruck. I've seen all your movies.

Kimber Henry:
How sweet. We have a new series coming out. It's called "Two Girls, a Guy, and a Cumface". It's loosely based on our personal experience.

Dr. Christian Troy:
We'll be sure to send you the DVDs.

Kit McGraw:
Porn's for fat kids. Why not offer him the real thing?

Dr. Quentin Costa:
I wouldn't want to impose.

Kit McGraw:
Christian won't mind a friend lending a hand.

Dr. Christian Troy:
Not at all. Quentin, if that's what Kit wants. She's all yours.

Kit McGraw:
If you like her movies, wait until you have her when she's not acting. She tastes like hot maple syrup.

Dr. Christian Troy:
Kimber isn't a condiment from IHOP, sweetheart. She's not to be passed around the table.

Eden Lord:
This was "get it out of our systems" sex. I enjoy screwing older guys, it's a daddy thing. And you're hot for your age, even hotter since you screwed the woman who's screwing my Mom. But I don't date guys with gray pubes.

Dr. Liz Cruz:
[about Kimber] This poor girl, trouble just walks along side her.

Dr. Christian Troy:
Screw her! How many times have I fixed this outside of this succubus? And what changes on the inside? huh? Nothing. You know the definition of madness? When you do the same thing over and over again expecting defferent results.

Dr. Liz Cruz:
This only mad thing about her is that she still has feeling for you.

Dr. Christian Troy:
There comes a point where you just have to let go. Kimber has a disease of the soul. Get too close you'll catch it.

Carol McCrackin:
There we were in our red hats and scarves, singing "Winter Wonderland" and watching the sunset on the beach when a tattooed man in blue approached, and advised us that we were in "Crip" territory. Well I happen to speak "Crip", so I told him "chill, we were friendlies". But then five men in blue approached, and asked if the red scarves meant that we were sent by the Bloods to diss them. I said "fo schizzle, we were just spreading the word" and "please not get up in our grills". And then I reached for my pitch pipe...

Dr. Christian Troy:
They beat the crap out of you?

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Maybe they weren't music lovers.

Dr. Christian Troy:
How did you escape unhurt?

Carol McCrackin:
I took their advice and hauled my cracker ass out of there.

Ram Peters:
Don't you think that the little girl's gonna be a little bit better off with Kimber and me, rather than some punk who's willing to be filmed taking it up the ass so he could score a little bit more boo-yah?

Dr. Christian Troy:
That's my son, you dick-sucking pimp!

Kimber Henry:
Didn't you guys know that Matt worked here? Oh yeah, Ram cast him in First-Time Fairies... as a bottom. That's the one...

Julia McNamara:
Stop it Kimber, you're lying!

Dr. Christian Troy:
Of course she's lying. That's the only thing she's good at... except for spreading her legs

Dr. Liz Cruz:
[to the carollors singing] Go away! Bah humbug!

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Ebenezer Cruz, where's your Christmas spirit?

Dr. Christian Troy:
It takes at least two to tango with Kimber. Preferably eight, one for each tentacle.

Dr. Christian Troy:
[trying to have sex with Gina, who's nine months pregnant] Jesus, how do fat people have sex?

Matt McNamara:
Kimber! Sit down!

Kimber Henry:
[In a dreamy way, typical of the show] Hey, sailor...

Dr. Christian Troy:
[Surprised] Kimber... Uff. [Looks at her with love] I missed you so much.

Kimber Henry:
Really? Because I didn't miss you. I know I said to you that I did, but no so much. I think I'm finally free now.

Dr. Christian Troy:
Don't say that. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Kimber Henry:
And yet you stole my soul. I have to kill myself to get away from you. That was the only way out. And now Sean is killing himself too, Christian. If he stays with you, he's a dead man. [Christian awakes]

Christian Troy:
[to Ava Moore] You lubricate acid. If I stick my dick up you, it would sizzle off.

Dr. Christian Troy:
[to Gina] You want the wisdom to know the difference between what you can and can't change? Here's step 13: everything disappears. Love, trees, rocks, steel, plastic, human beings. None of us get out alive. Now you can huddle in a group and face it one day at a time, or you can be grateful that when your body rubs against somebody else's it explodes with enough pleasure to make you forget even for a minute that you're a walking pile of ashes. Now that is the truth. If you're strong it'll make you free, if you're weak, it'll make you... you.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
I don't want to screw around.

Julia McNamara:
Yeah? Well maybe I do. You always were a lousy lay, Sean.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Oh, yeah?

Julia McNamara:
Yeah.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
You're either a liar or a very good actress. I know your body. I always have. I know right where you live and breathe.

Julia McNamara:
Then why haven't I had an orgasm in two years?

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Because I didn't wanna work that hard.

Sean McNamara:
[discussing patient Manya Mabika, who wants reconstructive surgery on her genitals to reverse a childhood clitoridectomy] We're talking about microsurgical free tissue replantation. It can't just look pretty, it's gotta work!

Christian Troy:
You might be more adept at nerve reattachment Sean, but I am a goddamn genius when it comes to p*ssy. If I build it, she will come.

Sean McNamara:
They're a mystery, you know. I can reconstruct her external parts, maybe even revitalize dying tissue, but pleasure, release, ecstasy...

Christian Troy:
All we're doing is maximizing her potential. She just wants a fighting chance to feel, or at the very least look like the woman she could have been if she lived in this country instead of a place where men are such pussies they have to neuter their women to get a hard on.

Sean McNamara:
Let's go rebuild a clitoris.

Megan O'Hara:
Don't make the mistake of healing the internal problem with an external fix.

Dr. Merril Bobolit:
They raped me, Christian. Repeatedly. They passed me around for a year and a half, and now I can't even leave the house without fear of shitting my pants... I became someone's prison wife, someone more powerful than me."

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Did she intimate that if you slept with her, she'd drop the lawsuit?

Dr. Christian Troy:
Are you actually telling me to stick my dick in the cryptkeeper to make your mistake go away?

Ava Moore:
Don't try to intimidate me Julia, wanna play games? I will push right back and I will win.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Sit down. Did you urinate in the soap dispenser, Matt? [the boys laugh] This act of aggression isn't funny. What's funny about it?

Matt McNamara:
This whole thing is funny, dad. It's idiotic.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
I asked you a question, Matt. Did you do this?

Matt McNamara:
No.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Adrian, was it you?

Adrian Moore:
Uhhh. He's scary, your other dad.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
You're not leaving here until I get an answer.

Ava Moore:
Don't you dare threaten my son.

Adrian Moore:
Yeah, I urinated in the soap dispenser. Do you wanna spank me?

Dr. Sean McNamara:
[Turns into Ava] Your son is yet another reminder of what a monstruous fraud you are, Ava. I'm tempted to feel sorry for him, but I'm not his father. [Turns into Matt] I'm yours. And here's the new regime. Till further notice, you report to my office every day after school where we'll find plenty of meaningless busy work to keep you out of trouble.

Matt McNamara:
I didn't do anything.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Yes, you did, Matt. Your lackadaisical behaviour screams out for boundaries, so I'm gonna give you some. You will not fail to show up. You will not even be late. Or you'll finish out your education at a military school of my choice. Got it?

Ava Moore:
Matt's outgrown the saber-rattling. Don't pay any attention to his macho posturing, Matt. We can file for legal emancipation.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
[Turns into Ava] You do that, lady. And in the two months it takes to get the approval of the court, I'll talk to the press, discredit you as a pedophile, and a kidnapper, and an overall menace to society. And then we'll see how soon your life coach business goes belly up.

Ava Moore:
I'm not afraid of your empty threats.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
You should be, Ava. You should be very afraid.

Christian Troy:
[Leaving a grocery store after buying a lot of hams] Would you like to tell me why we just bought 12 goddamned hams?

Sean McNamara:
Because alligators are finicky eaters.

Christian Troy:
[Leaving a grocery store after buying a lot of hams] Would you mind telling me why we just bought 12 goddamned hams?

Sean McNamara:
Because alligators are finicky eaters.

Sean McNamara:
[to Julia] When was the last time we went to bed that you didn't hate me?

Dr. Christian Troy:
You're completely rattled because that girl makes erotic films.

Dr. Sean McNamara:
Erotic films are when you use a feather. *Porn* films are when you use the whole chicken. This girl's been through a lot of chickens.

[greeting Merrill at a spa]

Dr. Christian Troy:
Merrill, you metrosexual, you. What are you doing here, getting your back waxed?

Dr. Merril Bobolit:
Who told you?