No 73

Ethel Davis:
So... the daring, dazzling, death-defyingly dull, devastatingly dangerous, delectable, delicatessenable, divinely decadent... Sandwich Quiz.

Everyone:
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Ethel!

Ethel Davis:
Now, let's go boogie with the band!

[first lines]

Ethel Davis:
Oh good morning, I didn't year you come in. Do you wanna have a good joke? Hang on a sec, don't go away now, don't go away...

Ethel Davis:
[leaves kitchen, comes back in wearing a Groucho moustache] Do you wanna buy a duck? It's a moustache. I got it in a Christmas cracker. It's just like my aunt Lucy's. Well, 'cept of course hers is real.

[last lines]

Ethel Davis:
I just wanted to say: thanks very much for dropping in, I hope you'll come and see us coming to see us next Saturday, we're always here, there's always lotsa people, always lotsa things going on. I really appreciated you just dropping in, I'm sure Dawn did and Percy. Oh, and a very happy new year to ya, I'll go off to the loo. Stay and watch the telly if you like, you don't need to just rush off, you know. Have a look at the telly. Bye!

[first lines]

Dawn Lodge:
Hello. Just putting my skates on. I don't go anywhere without my skates, you know. Do you know I remember the very first time I wore skates. I had those strap-on doobies, you know, with the nuts and bolts. And I had bare feet 'cause I didn't go prepared. And it was very painful. But now I've got these, and they're very comfortable and lovely. Right, teeth, skates, nice cup a' tea.

Hazel Edwards:
[Martin is peering into a window] Martin, what are you doing?

Martin Edwards:
Shh!

Hazel Edwards:
You're not up to your snooping again?

Martin Edwards:
There's something strange here, Hazel.

Hazel Edwards:
There certainly is.

Martin Edwards:
They're up to something.

Hazel Edwards:
No they're not.

Martin Edwards:
They must be. I haven't heard a single sound all morning.

Hazel Edwards:
That's because they're not in. Come on. [enters No 73, Martin follows]

Martin Edwards:
It's the oldest trick in the book: you subject your victim to constant pain with loud noises and flashing lights, and then just when he's coming to terms with it all, you stop and let him suffer the agony of anticipation.

Hazel Edwards:
They're not in, Martin.

Martin Edwards:
That's what they want you to believe. They lull you into a false sense of security and then just as you're easing back in your deckchair, they strike!

Tony Deal:
So welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this first ever luxury country house mystery tour.

Percy Simmons:
Well, listen, we're very parched. How's about some coffee?

Tony Deal:
Coffee? Oh yeah, that's all included in the mystery tour. Mystery coffee.

Hazel Edwards:
Come on, it's your turn to make lunch.

Martin Edwards:
Yes, it's very strange with them not being here, it's all quiet and empty.

Hazel Edwards:
Never mind, they'll be home tomorrow.

Martin Edwards:
[perks up] How simply dreadful. I'll be round first thing, to complain.

Maisie McConachie:
[holding an envelope up to a lamp so she can read the letter inside] Dear Maisie, kindly keep your nose out of my work area, love Neil. The cheeky wee devil!

David Taylor:
[about a common iguana] And it particularly likes trees that overhang water. Because when danger threatens, it can just plop straight into water. It's a very good swimmer.

Andrew O'Connor:
So you mean that if, say, someone was in the bath here...

David Taylor:
Yeah?

Andrew O'Connor:
And the Iguana was right there and it got scared, it would propably sort of plop [makes a plopping sound] straight into the water?

David Taylor:
For sure.

Andrew O'Connor:
I think I'll stay smelly for a bit.

Andrew O'Connor:
Look, he can't go in, there's a great big horrible ugly thing in the bathroom: David Taylor. And there's an iguana.

Harry Stern:
[talking in his sleep] No, Mr. Birch, there's there's no bath in the lounge... no, there's no van in the door... the lights... they're, they are all working, no Mr. Birch, don't hit me!

Harry Stern:
Neil, wake up, I just had the most awful nightmare! I dreamt that, that wall, right, and the bath fell into the lounge! It was awful!

Neil:
Yeah, yeah, then we had a party for David Taylor's birthday, then Martin drove Dawn's van into the front door.

Harry Stern:
How did you know that? [suddenly realizing] Oh no... you mean I didn't dream it?

Neil:
No, it all happened yesterday.

Harry Stern:
I got to get all me valuables out before he starts up in the bathroom.

Dawn Lodge:
Valuables, what valuables?

Harry Stern:
Well, like me deoderant, you know, like the Old Scrum and the Eau De Toilet De Bisceps. I can't have any, any of them to go missing again, can I? Can't afford it!

Kim:
Oh, where would he be without his Eau De Toilet De Bisceps, eh?

Dawn Lodge:
Smelly, I would think.

David Taylor:
Kim's being very mysterious this morning?

Dawn Lodge:
Oh, that's normal.

Harry Stern:
Where's that bloomin' scouse when you need him?

Dawn Lodge:
[Harry has fallen through the hole in the bathroom into the lounge] I told you to be carefull! Are you all right?

Harry Stern:
No!

Dawn Lodge:
Speak to me.

Harry Stern:
No!

David Taylor:
Can you move your arms?

Harry Stern:
No!

David Taylor:
Can you move your legs?

Harry Stern:
No!

David Taylor:
Can you move your head?

Harry Stern:
No!

David Taylor:
Oh, thank God, he's all right.

Dawn Lodge:
Yeah, I think so too.

Harry Stern:
I'm in a great deal of pain here!

Kim:
[reading a sign posted to the door] This property is condemned and due for demolition What?

Dawn Lodge:
You know that theme park we applied for?

Harry Stern:
Oh yeah?

Harry Stern:
Got an interview.

Harry Stern:
Oh well done. Well, I'll tell you what, I'll take the, eh, suit to the dry cleaners, get myself a haircut, and I'll...

Dawn Lodge:
Harry, calm down, it's just an interview.

Harry Stern:
No darlin' , I wanna look good for it, don't I?

Dawn Lodge:
And eh, Harry, I don't think you should go, I think I should go.

Harry Stern:
Why?

Dawn Lodge:
Well you know how excited you get.

Harry Stern:
[gets excited] Don't! I do not get excited. I do not get [slaps table] I , are you listening to me? [grabs Dawn by the shoulders and shakes her] I never get excited, please let me do the theme park interview.

Ethel Davis:
Oh this is ridiculous. We got to think of something. Harry?

Harry Stern:
Eggshells, empty yoghurt cartons, fishbones...

Ethel Davis:
Oh Harry, you're just talking a load of old rubbish.

Ethel Davis:
Look, lets go over the things that have gone wrong so far, eh?. Now so far we got 252 people...

Kim:
253.

Ethel Davis:
- 253 people coming, who each want full breakfast. We got nothing to feed them, and even if we did have something to feed them, we haven't got anyone to serve the food. And we've only got four chairs.

Eazi Target:
I dont mind standing!

Kim:
Oh what a gentleman.

Harry Stern:
Well I do!

Ethel Davis:
Ah, do you remember the last time we went to France?

Harry Stern:
Yes I do, actually.

Ethel Davis:
We went over on that rubber ring...

Harry Stern:
...to France, yes, and they wouldn't let us in.

Ethel Davis:
Well, you didn't have your passport. Frankly there weren't much room in your swimming trunks for a passport, was there?

Andrew:
First question: If you were osculating, would you be enjoying it?

Andrew:
Trick question: how do you saw a lady in half?

Duster Muster contestant:
Ehm, you don't, it's an illusion.

Harry Stern:
[Andrew has just hosted his first 'Duster Muster'] That wasn't bad. Just one thing, it does help if you have the music with this...

Andrew:
I know...

Harry Stern:
Yeah, I think with the 'purgative ablutionary' you should do it a little bit faster:

[singing]

Harry Stern:
Purgative, ablutionary, clean-up revolutionary, Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, manifestly sanitary. Grab your squeegee, grab your mop, Shake your tail and shimmy to the Duster Muster, Duster Muster, Duster Muster. You see, that's...

Harry Stern:
[notices everyone's gone] That's how it done. Always better when you have an audience...

Harry Stern:
[sneaking up on Martin with a wig] Now the only problem I can foresee, is actually getting it on his bonks...

Kim:
Yeah, over the woolly hat?

Kim:
Take off your woolly hat, Martin...

Hazel Edwards:
Don't be shy, you're amongst friends...

Harry Stern:
Yeah, come on mate, just take it off, and I promise you, we will not laugh!

Harry Stern:
[Martin takes off the hat, revealing he has lost all of his hair] Ahahahahahahahahahaha!

Martin Edwards:
That's the problem with you lot, you just don't care!

Hazel Edwards:
Oh, of course we care, Martin. It's not the end of the world.

Martin Edwards:
It's the end of my hair!

Harry Stern:
[trying to fit Martin a wig] I'll tell you what, ten minutes with this on your head, and you'll feel like a new man.

Martin Edwards:
But... I haven't got red hair?

Harry Stern:
See, you're a new man already!

Hazel Edwards:
You know, It's still a mystery to me how you could'a loose all of your hair so suddenly, though.

Martin Edwards:
Well, I did it myself.

Hazel Edwards:
You what?

Martin Edwards:
Well, I was having a shave, you know, and I was concentrating on something else, and I just somehow just managed to shave my hair off, that's all.

Hazel Edwards:
[shouting] Of all the brainless, careless idiot! Oh, you want you're brain examining!

Martin Edwards:
I'll take the wig off for that, won't I?

Hazel Edwards:
Oh, Martin stop cowering! Don't you recognize a theatre mask when you see one?

Martin Edwards:
Oh, oh, thank heavens. Do you know what I thought that it was for one horrible moment? Your mother come to stay!

Kim:
[hosting the Duster Muster quiz] It's a yardbrush question coming up here now. How many teeth... How many teeth does a tortoise have?

[laughs]

Contestant # 1:
How many teeth does a tortoise have?

Kim:
Right, right.

Contestant # 1:
None!

Kim:
Because... it's got horny gums. Horny gums?

[more laughter]

Kim:
Where would you find the most sand in the world?

Kim:
[contestant Rick blows his whistle first] He's so quick!

Contestant # 1:
The... Saharah desert.

Kim:
[Kim is feeling sorry for the other contestant not getting a word in] That was a guess, wasn't it? It was a guess!

Contestant # 1:
It was right wasn't it?

Kim:
[conceding] It was all right.

Harry Stern:
Honestly, the trouble with some people, is they just don't know what they're doing, do they?

Harry Stern:
[Harry puts on an American accent when he sees Dawn's spider shaped birthday cake] Good grief Janice, they're taking over the world! But do not worry, I shall save you. I shall use with my cosmic weapon!

Dawn Lodge:
Harry, It's David Taylor's birthday cake, you know it is!

Harry Stern:
That's the funniest looking elephant I ever seen. I thought you were gonna make him an elephant?

Dawn Lodge:
I wouldn't have got it in the oven, now would I, Harry?

Harry Stern:
You could have done a baby one or something.

Harry Stern:
Dawn, how old you reckon David Taylor is?

Dawn Lodge:
Oh, he must be over thirty!

Dawn Lodge:
Say after me.

Harry Stern:
After me.

Dawn Lodge:
Shh! I solemny swear...

Harry Stern:
I solemny swear...

Dawn Lodge:
...On the Encyclopedia of British Wildlife...

Harry Stern:
...On the Encyclopedia of British Wildlife...

Dawn Lodge:
...that I will not...

Harry Stern:
...that I will not...

Dawn Lodge:
...unbalance David Taylor's very special spider cake...

Harry Stern:
...unbalance David Taylor's very very special birthday spider cake...

Dawn Lodge:
...by knicking one of it's legs.

Harry Stern:
...by knicking one of it's legs.

Hazel Edwards:
I'm sure I didn't imagine it, Martin, I mean, I just started to retile our bathroom, and the whole wall shook!

Martin Edwards:
Yes, it was very loud, wasn't it? I thought perhaps it might be that big bang I've been reading about in the Financial Times?

Kim:
There's been a terrible accident, Neil is having a bath in the lounge and he's hanging from the ceiling and, well if anything happens, like another vibration or if the band starts playing, the noise could... Oh! the band! [runs off] Oh!

Hazel Edwards:
Have I got this right Martin? The ceiling's collapsed, there's water everywhere, and Neil's having a bath in the lounge?

Martin Edwards:
That's right dear, it's just another ordinary day [Curiosity Killed the Cat starts playing Just Another Ordinary Day]

Harry Stern:
[balancing precariously in the bathroom] Wait a minute, 'ere, you've been at my deodorant again, haven't ya?

Neil:
What?

Harry Stern:
Well, Me 'Rampart Man' and me 'Old Scrum' and me 'Eau de Toilet de Biceps', it's gone!

Neil:
What are you talking about?

Harry Stern:
It's moved!

Harry Stern:
Of course it's moved, the whole room's moved!

Harry Stern:
[hanging in the bath] Oh no, no, no! It's horrible, it's too horrible to think about! Me Rampart Man has fallen through the hole!

Martin Edwards:
[picking up a bottle in the lounge, directly underneath the broken bathroom floor] Ah, Rampart Man!

Martin Edwards:
[Martin is standing under a burst waterpipe] How wonderful to have a shower in every room!

Hazel Edwards:
I think it could collapse at any second!

Martin Edwards:
It's just my temperature, too.

Dawn Lodge:
Neil, what going on?

Neil:
Eh, look, look, look I, I think you'd better, better take a look in the bathroom. [leads her through a door]

Dawn Lodge:
But this is the lounge?

Samantha Tellybug:
I spy, with my little sensor, something beginning with UFO.

Harry Stern:
Nah, there's no such thing as a UFO.

Samantha Tellybug:
There is too, Harry, and there's one over the house now.

Harry Stern:
I think it's about time for the Duster Muster. At least nothing could go wrong with that, could it?

Martin Edwards:
[Martin has driven Dawn's van through the front door] I never liked that door very much anyway, really.

Kim:
Oh! What's happened to the front door?

Neil:
What's happened to my balloons?

Hazel Edwards:
What's happened to my husband?

Neil:
Morning. Big day today. Ethel and Frederick Crossfield, bank manager, are getting married. And I feel terrible. See, me, Harry and the lads were out on the town last night celebrating Frederick's last night as a single man. We didn't get in until five O' clock this morning, so as you can imagine, we're all feeling a bit fragile. Mind you, you know, should cheer up when we see Ethel as the bride, all in white... [Ethel walks up wearing a white tennis outfit]

Harry Stern:
[about his mate Trevor] I'll tell you what, that boy is so stupid! He's thick as ten loo doors!

Ethel Davis:
Thanks very much for the eh, for the party last night.

Dawn Lodge:
Oh, it was good, wasn't it?

Ethel Davis:
I do hope that bloke got home alright.

Dawn Lodge:
I think he might have been a bit chilly! [they giggle]

Kim:
We got to think of something old...

Dawn Lodge:
That would be Frederick.

Ethel Davis:
Thank you.

Kim:
We gotta think of something new...

Ethel Davis:
Oh, these shoes, ow!

Kim:
Something borrowed...

Ethel Davis:
That would be the morgage on the house.

Dawn Lodge:
Yeah.

Kim:
And something blue...

Dawn Lodge:
Blue...

Ethel Davis:
Blue...

Dawn Lodge, Kim, Ethel Davis:
The bathmat!

Harry Stern:
Neil, have you notices that no matter how late girls seem to go out, they always look good after a night on the binge?

Neil:
Yeah. You know why that is, don't ya?

Harry Stern:
Why?

Neil:
'Cause they were only drinking orange juice.

Harry Stern:
Ah! [slight pause] Neil?

Neil:
What?

Harry Stern:
We were only drinking orange juice.

Neil:
It's amazing how much better you feel after a shave and a Donald Duck cartoon.

Kim:
Ethel, aren't you worried about anything?

Ethel Davis:
Well, there is one thing I'm a bit worried about...

Kim:
What?

Ethel Davis:
Well, it... it's the honeymoon.

Kim:
Oh, that can often be an anxious time...

Ethel Davis:
Yeah, I know you're gonna think this is silly...

Kim:
No, no, go on, I'm broadminded.

Ethel Davis:
Well I, I'm very worried that we won't come back in time for the ladies singles final.

Matthew Kelly:
No, listen, I'm very good at these speeches. What you wanna do is do it like the weather forcast, you know, you say: tonight, it'll be very close with a warm front and the possibility of a little sun in the future.

Kim:
I've found you something new...

Ethel Davis:
What is that?

Kim:
A nice bit of blue cheese.

Ethel Davis:
I can't wear that!

Neil:
No, but we can eat it, can't we? [grabs the cheese]

Neil:
Will you stop being so negative? Listen, don't you think we owe it to Ethel to make this day a special day for her. Agreed?

Harry Stern:
Yeah. [Kim nods]

Neil:
Right, Harry, phone the mini cabs, Kim, you can help me with the food.

Harry Stern:
Mini cabs... [walks off]

Kim:
What about the horses?

Neil:
Well they can eat straw.

Harry Stern:
Great, that's the car fixed. It's gonna get here at ehm, about, half eleven, I think ten past eleven, ten to eleven, I don't know, ehm, but it's not a luxury limo, and it's not a chauffeur driven car.

Kim:
Oh?

Harry Stern:
It's in actual fact eh, a mini-mini cab.

Kim:
Mini?

Neil:
Well that doesn't sound very big?

Kim:
Don't worry about it, Ethel's just a little person...

Harry Stern:
True.

Dawn Lodge:
Harry, have you practiced giving her away yet?

Harry Stern:
Oh, yes I have, actually, I'm glad you asked me that, because, eh, well, you pretend to be Ethel.

Dawn Lodge:
Ok.

Harry Stern:
...and I'll show you, right?

Dawn Lodge:
Ok. [Dawn crouches down to match Ethel's height]

Harry Stern:
We're at the church, we're going up the isle, there's the viccar, there's Crossfield, right? And we go up, smile at everyone,

Dawn Lodge:
Yeah, smile...

Dawn Lodge:
There's the viccar, there's Crossfield, and I go: 'ere!. [gives her a shove]

Dawn Lodge:
No, Harry, I don't think you've quite got it, something a little bit subtler.

Harry Stern:
Subtler?

Dawn Lodge:
Yeah.

Harry Stern:
Subtler. Right, ok, ehm, going down the isle, there's the viccar, there's Crossfield, I seem to have found this, is it yours?

Dawn Lodge:
I think I prefer 'ere, best.

Kim:
[Ethel is having second thoughts about marrying Frederick Crossfield] I'll tell you what, we'll draw up a list, okay? fors and against. We'll start with the against... He's fussy.

Dawn Lodge:
He's boring.

Kim:
He's gonna take Harry's room.

Dawn Lodge:
He's boring.

Kim:
He's getting old...

Dawn Lodge:
He's very boring.

Kim:
I think he's going a bit bald...

Dawn Lodge:
And he's boring.

Kim:
And he's too tall.

Dawn Lodge:
He's very, very boring.

Ethel Davis:
And I love him.

Kim:
Oh, you're getting married.

Dawn Lodge:
Yeah.

Harry Stern:
Ethel, I don't think - I don't want you to do this.

Ethel Davis:
Why?

Harry Stern:
'Cause I don't want you to, right?

Ethel Davis:
Oh, come on, Harry, I'm not marrying you!

Dawn Lodge:
This lot are supposed to be helping me prepare for my HGV driving test. And all they've been doin' is messing about. They've got to have a bit more respect this morning, I need time to study!

Tony Deal:
The associates. Ah! Now this looks more interesting. Perhaps they're eh, some of Ethel's busines associates. I think there's something in this for me...

Kim:
Neil, what you drawing?

Neil:
[hiding his pencil drawing of Kim] Nothing!

Kim:
Yes you are.

Neil:
I'm just rubbing out, Kim. Rubbing out.

Kim:
I didn't know there was a technique in rubbing...

Neil:
Oh, yeah, oh, it's very complicated technique, rubbing, you've got to practice it for your exams.

Ethel Davis:
[Kim is pretending to be a fortune teller] What do you see?

Kim:
[gazing into a fish bowl] Oh, I see your face...

Ethel Davis:
[referring to the fish in the bowl] Well, it's more Neil's face.

Kim:
No, in the future!

Ethel Davis:
Oh, what's gonna happen, Kim?

Kim:
I can see you're going away!

Ethel Davis:
Okay, then. [starts to get up]

Kim:
No, it's a holiday!

Ethel Davis:
Oh really? What's the place like?

Kim:
I see lots of trees...

Ethel Davis:
Oh, what kind of trees?

Kim:
Yes. Palm!

Ethel Davis:
Palm trees, that'll be the Caribbean.

Kim:
Give me your palm! Ooohooh look here is the marriage line...

Ethel Davis:
I thought it was this one here?

Kim:
Oh, yes, this one here is the heart line...

Ethel Davis:
What is this round one here?

Kim:
Oh, that's the circle line. But here, here on the marriage line, I see June, yes, June and marriage!

Ethel Davis:
June, marriage? She never told me?

Kim:
No, you're getting married!

Ethel Davis:
Oh, give over Kim!

Ethel Davis:
Neil, why did you say the television was on the sink?

Neil:
Eh, blink. [Ethel starts blinking her eyes]

Neil:
No Ethel, not you blink, not the blinking sink, the television's on the blink.

Ethel Davis:
Oh that would be because of this. [holds up the aerial]

Neil:
No wonder the television is on the blink, you've got tomato's all over the aerial!

Neil:
It's just adapting it for practical use. The reason it's not working is it's not on the roof!

Neil:
If it was on the roof we would not be able to eat the tomato's would we?

Kim:
[after singing the signature tune from the Ten O' Clock News] Doing!

Ethel Davis:
Good evening, here are the news.

Kim:
Doing!

Neil:
Will you stop messing 'round, we haven't got time!

Kim:
Doing!

Ethel Davis:
A Mr. Neil Buccanan met with the kitchen cabinet today and announced that he hadn't got time.

Kim:
Doing!

Neil:
Kim, come on down!

Ethel Davis:
[switching into gameshow host mode] Kim Goody, come on down!

Kim:
[leading someone out of the shed] Don't forget the prediction: married by next week! Another satisfied customer. Who's next?

Frederick Crossfield:
Frederick Crossfield.

[hands over his ticket]

Kim:
Thank you, Mr. Crossfield, I knew it'd be you.

Frederick Crossfield:
Ah, you can see into the future.

Kim:
Eh well, Ethel told me you'd be coming down this morning.

Frederick Crossfield:
I know why you're doing this clairvoyant stuff, Yes, I've heard about crossing the palm with silver.

Kim:
Yes, I've heard about that as well.

Frederick Crossfield:
Will 10p. be alright?

Kim:
Yes, I suppose i got... yes, 10p, here you go [hands over ten pence and puts on her gypsy voice] Now you come with me, and you will be lucky!

Kim:
And so that is what I see in the bowl, in the ball.

Frederick Crossfield:
Goldfish?

Kim:
Gimmie your palm. Oooh now look here, what, I see the travel line, maybe?

Frederick Crossfield:
Well, I have been offered a job abroad...

Kim:
Yes! look, the travel abroad line...

Frederick Crossfield:
Bahrain.

Kim:
But you're going whether it rains or not.

Frederick Crossfield:
But they said that they would prefer a married man...

Kim:
Oh yes, but you're maybe thinking of getting married?

Frederick Crossfield:
I'm not married, no.

Kim:
But I do see a little marriage maybe?

Frederick Crossfield:
Well, I was saying to Ethel only the other day...

Kim:
Yes, Ethel! Here, here is Ethel on the marriage line.

Frederick Crossfield:
I thought that was a blister I got from washing the car.

Kim:
Oh well, that's the washing line, but here on the marriage line, is you and Ethel getting married!

Neil:
Ere, mate, have you proposed yet or what?

Neil:
I propose to do it here.

Neil:
Great, I'll get the vicar.

Frederick Crossfield:
Bishop.

Neil:
Yeah.

Kim:
Don't you think you should choose somewhere a little more intimate?

Frederick Crossfield:
But this is the only place with black and white check floors.

Kim:
Oh, you think that's going to sway her one way or the other?

Frederick Crossfield:
Who?

Kim:
Ethel.

Frederick Crossfield:
Eh, does she play the game?

Neil:
I reckon she knows the score by now, mate!

Frederick Crossfield:
But you don't score in chess.

Neil, Kim:
Chess?

Frederick Crossfield:
Yes, human chess, thats what I'm doing. What were you talking about?

Neil, Kim:
Marriage!

Frederick Crossfield:
I had no Idea! Congratulations!

Kim:
No, not us, You and Ethel!

Frederick Crossfield:
Me and Ethel?

Neil:
She really fancies you, you know.

Kim:
Yeah, she's never looked so well!

Kim:
You know what they say: 'Time to dream, Time to clean'.

Ethel Davis:
[narrating her own handywork] The miracle doctor had done it again: when the doctor removed the bandages, the patient would be able to see...

David Taylor:
But Ethel, I've always been able to see!

Ethel Davis:
Oh, David, you're not taking this seriously.

Ethel Davis:
Now, I've had this letter from the authorities about health and safety. But I can't tell you the full contents of the letter 'cause it was marked 'private and confidential'.

Ethel Davis:
Did you know for example that small foreign bodies can enter every natural opening of a person?

Harry Stern:
Now I'm in the singing telegram busines, my voice is my fortune.

Ethel Davis:
But you don't get much for 15p. these days...

Harry Stern:
You're a naughty Ethel! What are you?

Ethel Davis:
[small voice] A naughty Ethel...

Ethel Davis:
I haven't been able to find the projector all morning...

Harry Stern:
That's because I put it somewhere easily accessible.

Ethel Davis:
Where's David? You know, for a vet he's not much good at playing hospitals?

Kim:
Well you know what they say: 'Two beds are better than one'!

Kim:
Well you know what they say: 'Too much sun, nose goes numb'.

Ethel Davis:
[Neil is redecorating the box-room] What do you have in mind for the wallpaper?

Neil:
Well, I thought I'd have a Japanese theme: I'm gonna have hands and feet all over the wall.

Ethel Davis:
What's that got to do with Japan?

Neil:
Well, all the hands and feet are going to be pointing East...

Ethel Davis:
I see.

Neil:
And I'm gonna have a chopsticks mobile.

Neil:
You don't know anything about interior decorating, do you? Look, it's a square room, so it doesn't matter how you hold the paper.

Kim:
You're going to have to do something, Harry...

Harry Stern:
Well, you've done all of the bad jobs so far, haven't you?

Kim:
There's only a limit to what I can disguise...

Kim:
[Kim thinks Neil is decorating the box room for her] Your not making it too pretty are you?

Neil:
Oh no, I'm gonna have a picture of the lads on the wall.

Kim:
What, all of them?

Neil:
[referring to the Liverpool soccer team] Yes, the whole team.

Kim:
Can Paul King be up the front?

Neil:
I didn't know he played football?

Kim:
Who?

Neil:
Paul King.

Kim:
Does he? Ooh I don't want a picture of a football team on my wall...

Neil:
What do you mean, your wall?

Ethel Davis:
The band has arrived.

Kim:
Fine Young canibals?

Ethel Davis:
Well, I don't know about their eating habbits, but they're down in the cellar.

Kim:
Well, you know what they say: 'a rest a day makes a happy policeman'.

Kim:
Why don't you remember the important things anymore Ethel?

Ethel Davis:
I remembered the cornflakes this morning.

Kim:
And what happened to them all?

Ethel Davis:
True, true...

Ethel Davis:
Kim, I was just wondering... I've seen beds in the back yard and a bath outside the front door and now there's a kitchen in the lounge. And I was just wondering if there was something going on?

Kim:
No. Do you know what's the trouble with you? You've got a suspicious mind...

Martin Edwards:
I'm not a ladder-holder, I'm a coordinator!

Ethel Davis:
[rummaging around in the box room] Harry, I've found you my little... Donkey-Waterfall!

Harry Stern:
Kim, something terrible's happened...

Kim:
Oh, I know, Harry!

Harry Stern:
What am I gonna do?

Kim:
What am I going to do?

Harry Stern:
Well, if I were you, I'd go and tell Ethel.

Kim:
Can't tell Ethel, she thinks I canceled it!

Harry Stern:
Don't be daft, she's the one that canceled it.

Kim:
If she's canceled it, how come the guest are still arriving?

Harry Stern:
The guests are still arriving for the wedding?

Kim:
The wedding?

Harry Stern:
What are you talking about?

Kim:
I'm talking about the guests for today. What are you talking about?

Harry Stern:
I'm talking about Frederick Crossfield, he's just arrived.

Harry Stern, Kim:
You've got a problem!

Ethel Davis:
What I can't understand is why there's a circus in the yard in the first place!

Harry Stern:
Well, you asked for some tumblers...

Ethel Davis:
Tumblers to drink out off for the kitchen!

Harry Stern:
Well, I sussed that out when they arrived, didn't I?

Ethel Davis:
What are you doing?

Harry Stern:
Do It Yourself!

Ethel Davis:
I can't! I've gotto go and deal with the circus!

Martin Edwards:
Do you know that lovely old West Country Proverb: Wither the weather to weather the wither? Oh, wait a minute, or was it... Wether the weather can weather...

Martin Edwards:
When the wind is from the west, you must wear a thermal vest.

Martin Edwards:
I always say: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing...

Ethel Davis:
...well?

Martin Edwards:
...by Martin Edwards!

Ethel Davis:
Oh, painting a pretty picture of yourself!

Martin Edwards:
Now painting is a subject I do know about.

Ethel Davis:
Well isn't it unfortunate we don't need anything painted, thank you so much.

Martin Edwards:
You've got to be joking, look at the state of this door. It's urban blight!

Ethel Davis:
Oh, you think so? Why don't you get on and do it then?

Martin Edwards:
Alright, I will!

Frederick Crossfield:
I must admit: the lounge isn't bad. Except for the eh, paper tearing...

Ethel Davis:
Well, you're just jealous 'cause yours didn't remotely look like a piglet.

Frederick Crossfield:
That's not the point.

Frederick Crossfield:
The point is the bank has lent you some money. You should have a proper, professional job done.

Ethel Davis:
Oh, you wanna see professional? I'll show you my gentlemen in the kitchen.

Frederick Crossfield:
Ah. I'll look forward to it. Aha! there just about to watch a cartoon, aren't they?

Ethel Davis:
Oh no, that's an industrial training film.

Frederick Crossfield:
[going over Ethel's expenses] What's this, you bought 10 cans of paint on account?

Ethel Davis:
On account of what?

Frederick Crossfield:
Exactly! [pauses to look at more receipts]

Frederick Crossfield:
17.95 for a tie?

Ethel Davis:
Ah yes, I met this really nice bloke, Simon Fielding, and I gave him a tie for Christmas.

Frederick Crossfield:
[jealous] That's ridiculous!

Ethel Davis:
I can go out with anyone I want!

Frederick Crossfield:
Yeah, it's a ridiculous price for a tie. I could've got one much cheaper than that.

Frankie Howerd:
I'll introduce myself: Howard, Francis.

Ethel Davis:
Yeah, look Mr. Francis...

Frankie Howerd:
No, no. [decides to play along] Yes, Miss Sharon?

Ethel Davis:
No no, Miss Davis.

Frankie Howerd:
Oh, Miss Davis Sharon, I beg the pardon.

Ethel Davis:
No, Ethel.

Frankie Howerd:
Oh, I see. Miss Sharon Ethel.

Ethel Davis:
No, Ethel Davis.

Frankie Howerd:
Oh, Ethel Davis Sharon?

Ethel Davis:
Look, forget it.

Frankie Howerd:
You've forgotten it, haven't you? You must try to remember your own name.

Ethel Davis:
Look Mr. Francis, you took your time.

Frankie Howerd:
No, you're wrong. I took the train. Ha ha.

Ethel Davis:
I thought you were coming by car?

Frankie Howerd:
No, I was go- Ah, now thereby hangs a tail, you see.

Ethel Davis:
You came by horse?

Frankie Howerd:
No, what, when? Ah, no, you see the thing was, I was gonna come by car, but my car was deficient in four essentials.

Ethel Davis:
What?

Frankie Howerd:
Wheels. No wheels.

Ethel Davis:
Where did you find a car with no wheels?

Frankie Howerd:
Where did I find it? I found it where I left it. Where I found it in the first place.

Ethel Davis:
I'll be frank...

Frankie Howerd:
No, no, I'll be Frank, you be yourself. That's bad enough.

Ethel Davis:
I thought that the guest celebrity was gonna to be 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood', but it's you.

Frankie Howerd:
Frankie Goes To Hollywood? Oooh, well I don't mind going to Hollywood, or Cricklewood, or Ladywood, for a song. My agent sells me that way: 'Frankie Howerd, going for a song.'

Neil:
Great, thanks for the lift, Tom, you saved me a walk from the station, mate.

Neil:
[addressing the camera] Morning! hey, good to see you again, I've been on holiday, haven't I? Oh it was fantastic. The sun, the nightlife, the food... the signoritas!

Neil:
[makes castanets movements with his fingers] Hey hey hey! Yeah, Im definitely going to Croydon again next year for me holidays... Brilliant.

Neil:
What's going on?

Fred the Postman:
This, Neil is:

[singing]

Fred the Postman:
Wonderful Radio Shed!

Kim:
Oh, terrible Radio! Naf! it's awful!

Eazi Target:
It's community radio!

Fred the Postman:
Yeah, would you like a request?

Kim:
Yes, I would actually: stop!

Fred the Postman:
This is wireless, only... with wires. It's like hospital radio.

Neil:
Yeah, it's making me sick!

Kim:
Look, how many people do you think are actually listening to this station?

Fred the Postman:
Well there's you two. [the doorbell rings]

Kim:
Yes... one! [leaves for the front door]

Eazi Target:
We've just lost half our audience!

Neil:
You've just lost all your audience. [walks off]

Fred the Postman:
What are we going to do to make this station viable?

Eazi Target:
We need street cred, Fred!

Fred the Postman:
You mean middle of the road?

Eazi Target:
No, if we stand in the middle of the road we get run over!

Fred the Postman:
Just one or two little technical adjustments to do on my woovers and tweeters...

Kim:
Okay, you go do that, your woofers and tweeters... must be the animal spot.

Neil:
[singing] Salt and vinegar, green mushy peas, scallops and chips all covered in grease. A big fat sausage, the curry's the biz, frying tonight, the Chip Butty Quiz!

Dawn Lodge:
Expect you're wonderin' what I'm doing with the fire extinguishers? Oh, it's not a fire, 'cause if there was I wouldn't be sitting here, would I, I'd be off putting it out. Fred Talbot's comin' in. Recons he can teach me how to use his face with two fire extinguishers. You must be kidding...

Ethel Davis:
Now that's interesting. I've run out of washing up liquid. You see, I took this amount of washing up liquid and I washed this amount of dishes. But I'm sure she said that I could also wash this amount...

Ethel Davis:
I found my old school trunk. Do you know, I haven't seen this since I was at St. Mary's and that's yea- well, it's not that long ago. Marvelous school. Closed down after I left. Just after I left...

Neil:
Guess what. I've been chucked out of my flat, haven't I? I wouldn't mind you know, the land-lord finds one toe-nail in the kitchen sink and who does he blame it on? Muggins. Anyway, I'm hoping that if I play my cards right, Ethel might let me stay here for a while.

Ethel Davis:
Ok, lets take the old boot and go boogie with the band.

Ethel Davis:
Tonight I got a date with the bank manager... Frederick... Mr. Crossfield. We've had a couple of dates already. We went rambling with the bank ramblers society and he took me up to London, we went to the planetarium - that place is amazing, I mean for me the earth moved - and on his next stall we went to the wax works, but we didn't see much as we had to keep moving cause they were stock taking.

Ethel Davis:
Well the actual do is at 9 O'clock but he's popping round at 8 for an aperitif.

Dawn Lodge:
Why, hasn't he got any of his own?

Ethel Davis:
No, an aperitif is like a drink, like champagne, Perrier...

Dawn Lodge:
But you can't afford champagne, Ethel!

Ethel Davis:
Yeah, I know, we're gonna get Tizer in special glasses.

Frederick Crossfield:
How do you feel about a baby?

Ethel Davis:
What, now? I mean eh well, it's eh...

Frederick Crossfield:
Oh well, no, I didn't mean babies in general, I meant this baby.

Ethel Davis:
I didn't know you could get one already made!

Frederick Crossfield:
Eh... it's my sister in law's.

Ethel Davis:
Oh, Mrs Crossfield?

Frederick Crossfield:
Yes, my brother's wife.

Ethel Davis:
Oh, I thought you meant the thing with the [begins humming the Wedding March]

Frederick Crossfield:
Oh, no, no, no!

Ethel Davis:
No, no no!

Harry Stern:
It turns out there's a Mrs Crossfield...

Dawn Lodge:
He's got a wife?

Harry Stern:
And to cap it all, there's a baby...

Dawn Lodge:
A baby Crossfield? Where?

Harry Stern:
There! [points to Ethel cradling a baby]

Dawn Lodge:
Oh yeah!

Harry Stern:
Before you know it, he'll be inviting them round for Sunday lunch: baby Crossfield, Mrs. Crossfield, all playing happy families together!

Dawn Lodge:
Harry, I don't mind people leading there lives on their own, but we don't want Ethel to get hurt!

Dawn Lodge:
I know what the rocking horses are for...

Harry Stern:
What for?

Dawn Lodge:
Children.

Harry Stern:
How many?

Dawn Lodge:
About 20.

Harry Stern:
[misunderstanding] He's got 20 children?

Dawn Lodge:
[unbelieving] He hasn't!

Harry Stern:
He has!

Dawn Lodge:
I'm so angry.

Harry Stern:
Right! Now then, Crossfield! I'm not gonna mince about the bush any longer, I think we all deserve an explanation.

Frederick Crossfield:
What about?

Dawn Lodge:
Shut up!

Harry Stern:
I'm referring to one Mrs. Crossfield...

Frederick Crossfield:
Which one?

Harry Stern:
There's more than one?

Frederick Crossfield:
Well, there's two Mrs. Crossfields...

Harry Stern:
That's it! Right, I dont wanna hear any more. You shouldn't be let loose on the street! Youre a maniac, you are, mister!

Dawn Lodge:
Now Ethel, I think it's time we all had a little chat.

Ethel Davis:
Oh yeah, what about?

Dawn Lodge:
About Mr. Crossfield, his wifes, his 20 children and their rocking horses.

Frederick Crossfield, Ethel Davis:
What?

Harry Stern:
How can you let that guy so near the baby, he's a monster! It's... I'll tell you what it is , it's bigamy!

Frederick Crossfield:
Big o' me? It's huge of me not to have you arrested for frightening the child!

Ethel Davis:
Bigamy is when a man or a woman marries more then one person at the same time.

Dawn Lodge:
Oh, that would solve all my boyfriend problems!

Ethel Davis:
Now Dawn, you see, legally you're only allowed to have one person at a time.

Dawn Lodge:
Oh, that's boring.

Neil:
[Harry, wearing a gorilla costume, has startled Neil] Pack it in! Me nerves are still bad from the trick you pulled on me last week!

Harry Stern:
[speaking with a gravely voice] I'm not the police man. Guess who!

Neil:
Harry, will you stop messing about!

Harry Stern:
Ere, wait a minute, wait a minute, how did you know it was me?

Neil:
Hairy armpits.

Neil:
Eh, what have I told you about reading my letters?

Harry Stern:
They're not your letters, Neil, there Ethel's.

Neil:
Oh, what do they say?

Harry Stern:
Private and confidential.

Neil:
Oh, even better.

Dawn Lodge:
[Dawn is handing out presents] There you go.

Ethel Davis:
What is it?

Dawn Lodge:
A hat. [pause] I'll tell you what else I got...

Ethel Davis:
Earings!

Dawn Lodge:
Marracas.

Ethel Davis:
Oh, that's what Harry keeps telling me: he says 'Ethel, you're crackers'.

Dawn Lodge:
[Dawn has just met Frank Sidebottom] Ethel, if someone's got a very big head, does that mean he get's bigger headaches?

Ethel Davis:
Well that does seem to be what the statistics indicate.

Ethel Davis:
[Ethel is introduced to Peter Mayhew] You know, I'd make terrible bookends with you.

Peter Mayhew:
Depends on the size of the books, don't it?

Ethel Davis:
That's true. How tall are you?

Peter Mayhew:
I'm seven foot ten.

Ethel Davis:
I'm four foot twelve. Do you mind if we just have a measure? [they stand back to back]

Neil:
Oh, morning officer, what can I do you for?

Pc Dobson:
Ah, morning, sir, there's been a particulary nasty bank robbery in the area, sir, and we were wondering if you could help us. Have you seen this man?

[holds up a photofit of a man looking a lot like Tony Deal]

Ethel Davis:
Promise you won't say anything?

Kim:
No.

Ethel Davis:
I'm trying to become a girl guide...

Kim:
You! [shouting] Hey, Ethel's trying to become...

Kim:
Oh, sush Kim!

Kim:
You can't become a girl guide, your far too old!

Ethel Davis:
I'm the right hight! [Kim laughs]

Ethel Davis:
I bet you were a girl guide?

Kim:
Yeah, I was...

Ethel Davis:
I bet you got to track through muddy fields...

Kim:
Yes.

Ethel Davis:
...sleep outside, sit around camp fires...

Kim:
I hated every minute of it, Ethel!

Neil:
Girls, there was a policeman at the front door. He's on the run!

[holds up the photofit picture]

Ethel Davis:
Why is the policeman on the run?

Neil:
No, not him; Tony Deal!

Kim:
[looking at the photo-fit] Doesn't he look old nowadays, all these lines...

Ethel Davis:
Yes, he's really gone to pieces!

Neil:
No, it's a photofit!

Kim:
[Kim has found Tony Deal hiding in the shed] Tony Deal! The police are after you!

Tony Deal:
I know!

Kim:
Why?

Tony Deal:
[misunderstanding] I can't now, the police are after me.

Kim:
What are you doing here?

Kim:
Freezing in my pajamas. Where else could I go? I shivered down the rain pipe at five 'O clock this morning. Went away, just got back, found my face plastered all over town. Do you have any Idea what it's like to be wanted?

Kim:
No, Dirk's always too busy...

Kim:
Now, I've come to a decision. I'm going to help you with this, but we can't actually look to Neil for any help, 'cause he's just lost all compassion.

Tony Deal:
I've got it!

Kim:
It'll be from hanging around in those pajamas.

Tony Deal:
No, no, I know what the best thing to do is. If I get out in a crowd, it will be the smartest thing...

Kim:
Not in those pajamas it won't.

Tony Deal:
You're right. But I can't stay here, I'm freezing. I'm better off in prison...

Kim:
Oh, don't, that's the other alternative! Unless... Well, there are a lot of people in the house today aren't there?

Tony Deal:
Yes?

Kim:
And there all mingling around...

Tony Deal:
Yes?

Kim:
Part of a crowd...

Tony Deal:
Yes!

Kim:
You could be in disguise!

Tony Deal:
Right!

Kim:
And if I'm really smart...

Tony Deal:
It was fine up until then.

Kim:
You could be disguised as any one of them!

Neil:
[Tony Deal is disguised as a policeman] Ere, you got here quickly, didn't you?

Tony Deal:
Well, that sir, is because I'm a sweety.

Neil:
A sweety?

Tony Deal:
Yes sir, flying squad.

Neil:
Oh, you mean the Sweeney.

Tony Deal:
Yes, that and all.

Neil:
Listen, are you getting any closer?

Tony Deal:
Closer? Oh yes sir, very warm. Oh, that's torn it

Kim:
What are you doing dressed as a policeman?

Tony Deal:
I'm in disguise, works a treat.

Kim:
Your pajamas are sticking out of the bottom.

Tony Deal:
That's plain clothes, under cover.

Tony Deal:
[the doorbell rings] What's that?

Kim:
It's the doorbell.

Tony Deal:
Oh no, it could be the police!

Kim:
No, the police go: 'Na-na, Na-na'.

Kim:
[trying to come up with another disguise for Tony] I know: teapot!

Tony Deal:
[holds up his arms like a teapot] Oh Kim, nobody's gonna believe this!

Kim:
Cosey. [tears the tea cosey of a teapot]

Tony Deal:
Oh, by the fire, very warm.

Kim:
[puts a tea cosey on his head] You could be Aswad.

Tony Deal:
As what, as what?

Kim:
No, Aswad, the band.

Ethel Davis:
Well, look, are you going to stay for some cowbell ringing?

Neil:
Hi, hi, how are you?

Tony Deal:
[Tony is disguised as an Austrian Cowbell ringer] Five foot, five and a half.

Neil:
I'm Neil...

Tony Deal:
I'm standing up.

Neil:
No, what is your name?

Tony Deal:
Ah, Dresser, Herr Dresser.

Neil:
Are you giving Ethel good musical advise?

Tony Deal:
Ah! Music! Edelweiss! Musical edelweiss. Very good song!

[starts singing Edelweiss]

Kim:
You and I are going to go away for a long time if we don't get out of this mess, and I've mad a decision. We're gonna go and see Neil...

Tony Deal:
What, Crimewatch Neil?

Kim:
...we're gonna go and see Ethel...

Tony Deal:
What, law-abiding friend of the police Ethel?

Kim:
...and we're gonna be honest.

Tony Deal:
Honest?

Kim:
Right. 'Cause we don't have anything to hide, have we?

Tony Deal:
Nothing at all.

Pc Dobson:
We've had reports at the station of a spy looking through a telescope at one of your windows...

Ethel Davis:
Hang on a minute, Pc Dobson?

Pc Dobson:
Yes?

Ethel Davis:
You're Bobby Dobson, aren't you?

Pc Dobson:
Yes...

Ethel Davis:
I'm Ethel!

Pc Dobson:
Ethel?

Ethel Davis:
That's right!

Pc Dobson:
I thought I recognized the face. Three-C?

Ethel Davis:
Yes! Needlework!

Pc Dobson:
Woodwork!

Ethel Davis:
Yeah, you did needlework and I did woodwork!

Ethel Davis:
This art business is dangerous. I could have taken my ear off!

Dawn Lodge:
Time for the celluloid, Taylor.

Taylor the Butler:
Ma'm, I'm a butler, not an entertainer.

Taylor the Butler:
[having just watched a cartoon] It reminded me rather of 'Gone with the Wind'.

Kim:
[about Kim's cooking] They're me Valentine Eggs...

Ethel Davis:
That's what I always liked about you, Kim You wear your heart on your sleeves.

Kim:
Oh, you noticed?

Ethel Davis:
Well, it was dificult to miss, you got eggs all over your sleeve.

Ethel Davis:
Is that you, Matthew Kelly?

Matthew Kelly:
Yeah.

Ethel Davis:
What are you doing?

Matthew Kelly:
I'm blending into the background.

Ethel Davis:
[presenting the re-decorated lounge] What do you think of it, then?

Matthew Kelly:
Oh, Ethel, you've had it done up lovely, where's Anne Diamond?

Ethel Davis:
[Ethel is painting a portrait] Do you think Harry will mind having his face battleship grey? I've run out of everything else.

Dawn Lodge:
He's got that kind of tinge anyway.

Kim:
Dirk's given me the Big E.

Harry Stern:
That's terrible! He's me boss, is that gonna affect my job?

Matthew Kelly:
[using tin can walky talkies] I've got one for you, over?

Kim:
I bet you have, Matthew, over!

Matthew Kelly:
No, no, its not that. Natural thinking. What would you - how do you sit down in a swamp, without getting your bum wet, over?

Kim:
Oh, I'd cover it in banana skins, over.

Matthew Kelly:
No, no ,no you can't use the collender, over.

Kim:
Well, that's just stupid, over!

Ethel Davis:
I'm so excited, I'm going on my skiing holiday. I am ready to take on the Tirol, I am thick with thermals. I hope it goes better than the last skiing holiday. I was all right on the nursery slopes, you know, dodging all those plants, but when I got to the big stuff, I came off the lifst backwards and quite frankly it was down hill after that.

Ethel Davis:
I've set up a number of guide-lines or rules while I'm away, and that's the first one. No bands in the cellar without Ethel's permission. [puts down clipboard, gets her hand covered in something sticky] Oh no, look at that. Right another rule: no peanut butter sandwiches in the lounge without Ethel's permission.

Harry Stern:
[on phone] Eh, hi, hello, is that Boolies'clothes shop? It is. Hi, my name is Harry Stern and I saw your advert in the paper. Yeah, I was wondering what sort of qualifications you have to have? An O-level in chemistry? Eh, I thought this was a clothes shop, why do you have to have an O-level in chemistry? [starts to cross 'clothes shop off his list] You like to be prepared for anything, I see.