No Time for Comedy

Philo Swift:
'Gaylord Esterbrook'... seems to me I've heard or read that name someplace. What do you do?

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
I write plays.

Philo Swift:
Er, yes, I have a hobby, too. What I meant was, what do you do for a living?

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
Write plays. Anything wrong?

Philo Swift:
No, no; nothing, nothing. You'll pardon me, but it does seem a little trivial for a grown man.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
Well, perhaps I'll grow out of it. What do *you* do?

Philo Swift:
I'm on Wall Street.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
Where's that?

Philo Swift:
I don't know, but my chauffeur finds it every morning.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
After you get there, what do you do?

Philo Swift:
Buy and sell stocks and bonds.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
Surely not for a living?

Philo Swift:
And not a bad one. When stocks go up, I make a little money. When they go down, I make even more.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
That all you do?

Philo Swift:
Well, yes!

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
Well, who knows; maybe you'll grow out of it, too. [raises glass] Here's hoping!

Clementine, Actress in Show:
I thought you was in Hollywood.

Morgan Carrell, the Director:
I'm, ah, out on parole.

Clementine, Actress in Show:
I saw your last picture, Mr. Carrell.

Morgan Carrell, the Director:
Yes?

Clementine, Actress in Show:
Oh, yeah.

Morgan Carrell, the Director:
What'd ya think?

Clementine, Actress in Show:
[sighs] yeah.

Morgan Carrell, the Director:
Clementine, are you sitting on my hat?

Clementine, Actress in Show:
[gets up to look] So I am. I completely covered it. Well, its a small hat.

Morgan Carrell, the Director:
A sombrero would have met the same fate.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
[speaking to his wife Linda] Well, now, just what's behind that dark innuendo?

Clementine, Actress in Show:
Aint nothing behind me, boss.

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
[after spending the night after the play on a park bench] Hey, you don't look bad for a girl who's just getting up in the morning!

Linda Paige Esterbrook:
For a man who's been up all night you look great!

Gaylord 'Gay' Esterbrook:
Don't get the idea that I'm an authority on girls getting up in the morning.

Linda Paige Esterbrook:
Well, I'm not the last word on men staying up all night either.

Clementine, Actress in Show:
[on phone looking for Mr. Esterbrook] Hello, Luxury Turkish Bath? Connect me to the department for taking care of gentlemen on the loose. Line's busy? I'll wait. [door bell rings and she goes to let in Mr. Swift] Has Mr. Easterbrook been there today? No? Well, if he should be carried in, ask him to call his apartment - if he can talk.

Philo Swift:
[about Linda making Mandy cry] You needn't feel so proud, I make her cry all the time. It usually ends up with me giving her a check.

Linda Paige Esterbrook:
I didn't give her a check, I think I just gave her my husband.

Philo Swift:
In my office we'd list that transaction as petty cash.

Linda Paige Esterbrook:
[Crying] I don't want to lose him! [Gaylord]

Philo Swift:
Well, I don't want to lose Amanda either, but for a totally different reason. I don't want to have my tombstone cluttered up with the names of my formally beloved wives - it leaves no room for the more important data.