Noah's Arc

Chance:
This is maddening. We ought to start bashing back.

Ricky:
Amen to that.

Alex:
You always called basing back a spur...

Chance:
Spurious catharsis. Because it doesn't solve the problem at a systemic level, but right now I have a need for a little spurious catharsis of my own.

Noah:
Ricky, I'm fine, okay? Just go home. I don't need you babysitting me.

Ricky:
Yes, you do, Noah. You're not invincible. You could have died, don't you get it? When you were in that hospital, I realized that I care about you so much. [starts to break down] But I've never told you what you mean to me... that I love you.

Noah:
Ricky, I love you too.

Wade:
This bottle's almost full.

Noah:
I don't like taking pain pills.

Wade:
Masochist, huh?

Noah:
I just don't like to be numb...

Wade:
Today really took a lot out of you, huh? [Noah nods, Wade starts to break down] I'm sorry. I just got so mad. I wanted to kill those guys. Make 'em feel some of what they put you through. [breaks down further] I should have been there, Noah. I should have been there. I wasn't there to protect you... and I'll never forgive myself for that.

Noah:
[in a weak voice] It's... it's not your fault. It's okay, Wade. [ignores cell call from Quincy]

Wade:
[muffled] It's not...

Noah:
[more assertive voice] It's not your fault. It's not your fault, baby.

Alex:
Child, Gay folks ain't got nobody but Jesus.

Noah:
Not even...

Ricky:
[to Chance] Just remember, Eddie prefers homo-thugs to Desperate Housefags.

Chance:
[talking to self] I am not the wife. I am not the wife. I am not [notices still has apron on] the wife! [chucks apron]

Noah:
I can't do this. I can't make this script straight.

Ricky:
Since when were you such an idealist? Do what they want, take the money and run.

Noah:
No, I mean *I can't* do it. I guess I just don't have what it takes to be a whore.

Alex:
[sarcastically] Huh!

Noah:
So, how's the new guy working out?

Ricky:
Perfect, he's very organized.

Noah:
And cute.

Ricky:
Great salesman.

Noah:
And he's cute.

Ricky:
It's his first day, and he's already sold more than my last guy did in a week.

Noah:
And he's cute.

Ricky:
Look, I know all about the allure of sleeping with straight guys. But how do you know he's not gonna go back to breast-feeding next week?

Baby Gat:
What's wrong, where you going?

Noah:
You just dragged me to the middle of a shootout with a cross-eyed drug dealer, and you're asking me what's wrong?

Baby Gat:
Stop talking Bollocks.

Noah:
What?

Baby Gat:
Bollocks... balls.

Noah:
We need to set some ground rules?

Baby Gat:
Rules?

Noah:
No blunts. No beating up on drug dealers... or anyone else for that matter. And no calling anyone a tosser, or a wanker, or a bullocks, or whatever. Understood?

Baby Gat:
You're quite butch, ain't it?

Noah:
Quincy, what are you doing here?

Quincy:
Quincy, in a gallery, what next? Book learning. I'm here to check out the Da Vinci while it's still on loan.

Noah:
What do you think?

Quincy:
[looking at Noah while he looks the other way] Small... but beatuiful. [Noah looks back at Qunicy] Oh, you meant the Da Vinci...

Ricky:
You manage to dump Dennis the Menace to Society?

Noah:
I wish. I had to leave him with a Baby Gat-sitter.

Baby Gat:
How's about you giving me some credit?

Wade:
For what? Getting us busted for groping a stripper?

Baby Gat:
Can't a brother feel a peach to see if it's ripe?

Wade:
Lucky she didn't kick you in the twig and berries with her glass shoe.

Baby Gat:
[to Noah] Curtis. My name is Curtis. Tell anyone, and it's your ass in a sling... and I don't mean it in a gay way.

Vonda:
Clayton in their eyes walks on water, my husband is a catch.

Alex:
Trust me. Once they get used to you being a dyke [Noah hits him]... lesbian, they'll come around, girl.

Ricky:
If you ask me, the fastest way to get over a brotha like Wade, is to get under a fabulous rapper like Baby Gat.

Quincy:
So, off the record, what's the scoop? Is Baby Gat, Baby Gay?

Noah:
Shouldn't we talk about this?

Wade:
Talk? I can't even look at you. I'm going to get my stuff from your place and move into a hotel.

Noah:
So what, you hate me now?

Wade:
I don't hate you, Noah... I love you.

Ricky:
You interrupted my four-gy for this?

Alex:
At 5:30, he gets into LAX. Around 7:30, he'll be getting into me.

Alex:
You called him the perfect boyfriend.

Chance:
Maybe he's a little too perfect.

Eddie:
Chance, stay out of it...

Ricky:
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. He's a front desk attendant at a sex club, for god sake. That's better than perfect.

Dre:
When I first met my man, he was rebounding from this real b*tch. I mean dude had it messed up in the worst way. But you know what, he got over it, and now it's tight. So sometimes rebound relationships really do work.

Ricky:
And how does your man feel about you slugging cocktails shirtless at "The Punk Bar?"

Dre:
Why don't you ask him that yourself. Here he is now.

Wade:
Noah?

Noah:
Wade.

Dre:
Noah! The Noah?

Ricky:
The b*tch himself.

Malik:
You know, I really don't get you.

Noah:
That makes two of us.

Noah:
He's way too new in the gay-borhood. And...

Ricky:
What? Spit it out.

Noah:
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still not entirely convinced he won't go back to girls.

Noah:
God, Trey's been back from Africa for a month already, and they're still having sex ten times a day.

Ricky:
Yeah, can't they make due with five times a day like normal people?

Chance:
Make him hear you. Talk to him.

Noah:
Thank you, Dr. Phil. But I don't even know where he lives anymore.

Chance:
You're welcome, Oprah. But we do know where he works.

Alex:
Ricky, why in the hell haven't you had a HIV test... ever?

Noah:
What Alex means is, don't panic. I'm sure even that will be fine.

Ricky:
I'm not worried. I always assumed it would be an eventuality anyway. You have as much sex as I do, it's a... occupational hazard, right?

Noah:
Wow, Wade. That's one big truck. Hope you're not compensating for anything.

Wade:
Nah, playa. It's all good in my hood.

Alex:
Little Egypt is so cute. How old is she now, four?

Chance:
Three, and for the tenth time, her name is Kenya.

Noah:
Not everyone shares your life mission to paint enough backsides to fill a football stadium.

Alex:
Did you sleep with him?

Ricky:
It's against company policy.

Noah:
Was it against company policy with Michael, Darius, Wesley, Giancarlo...

Ricky:
It's a new policy. No sexual relations with employees. I haven't slept with him, and I won't.

Dwayne:
So you gonna let me get this next time?

Ricky:
Actually, that's exit only, and you're rehired, so get back to work.

Dwayne:
So you're saying you don't wanna hit this no more?

Ricky:
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Dwayne:
All right...

Ricky:
If meat's a main course, who cares if you have to eat a little vegetarian appetizer beforehand?

Wade:
Until you're making paper, what you have is a hobby. I'm not trying to be mean.

Noah:
Wow, you're not even trying.

Trey:
You got 10 minutes to pack and get the hell outta here.

Guy:
But Trey...

Trey:
9 minutes 45 seconds, you lucky I don't throw you outta here in your little, "Get a girl drawers." [Guy walks away]

Ricky:
Who's smiling now, b*tch?

Guy:
Get out of my way, b*tches.

Noah:
So, I've been invited to go on the Darnell Damone Show, to talk about 'Fine Art.' Quincy wants me to stand up as this proud Nubian Fag Warrior, and defy the straight world. Brandy wants me to Uncle Tom about how much I love making the script heterosexual. Of course, none of this would be an issue if Baby Gat would just play the character gay.

Wade:
This is classic you, Noah. You want to have your cake and eat it too.

Noah:
No, I...

Wade:
You want to be the good guy and make everybody happy, while you just do what you want anyway. [sighs] Why are you here, man? What advice do you think I can possibly give you?

Noah:
I don't know. I guess I just thought...

Wade:
Why don't you sleep with someone else? That usually solves your problems. [Dre enters room]

Noah:
[Noah gets up to leave] . Thanks for the advice, Wade. Hi, Dre. [Turns back to Wade] I guess you're right. I can't have my cake and eat it too. It's time to take it on the chin.

Chance:
Not more of this nonsense. My husband has just been fired for giving shelter to his lesbian wife, we are in the middle of a fiscal and emotional meltdown, we have a mortgage we can't pay, and here you are? Alex, you are certifiable. And Ricky, you are plainly part of his folie a deux.

Alex:
Folie a what?

Noah:
Ricky? What's going on?

Alex:
Eddie got fired for helping a dyke... [Chance hits Alex]

Chance:
Lesbian...

Baby Gat:
[to talk show host] My peeps been telling me, "Don't play a gay role," you get me? But what I'm saying is, they're wrong. 'Cause like they used to say, "Gay don't pay." But that ain't true no more. Now, it's like, you want to prove you got nuts as an actor, so you play a gay part. And trust me here, I've got nuts to spout.

Wade:
It's nothing. I'm just having a little cash flow problem. Once my rewrite funds kick in, I'll be straight... no pun intended.

Ricky:
If I can help out a friend in need, and get some hot ass in the process, it's a win-win.

Noah:
How is the sex?

Ricky:
We didn't have sex.

Chance:
What do you mean, "didn't have sex?"

Ricky:
We didn't have sex. We just talked.

Noah:
Are you all right? Are you feverish?

Ricky:
I guess we're just friends.