Notting Hill

Anna Scott:
You know what they say about men with big feet.

William:
No, I don't, actually. What's that?

Anna Scott:
Big feet... large shoes.

Anna Scott:
After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Spike:
Just going to the kitchen to get some food, then I'm going to tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.

William:
I enjoyed the movie very much. I was just wondering, did you ever consider having more horses in it?

Anna Scott:
Well, we would have liked to. But it was difficult, obviously, being set in space.

Bernie:
I'm sorry I am so late. Bollocksed up at work again, I fear. Millions down the drain.

Honey:
Oh God, this is one of those key moments in life, when it's possible you can be really, genuinely cool - and I'm failing 100%. I absolutely and totally and utterly adore you and I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world and more importantly I genuinely believe and have believed for some time now that we can be best friends. What do YOU think?

Keziah:
No thanks, I'm a fruitarian.

Max:
I didn't realize that.

William:
And, ahm: what exactly is a fruitarian?

Keziah:
We believe that fruits and vegetables have feeling so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have actually fallen off a tree or bush - that are, in fact, dead already.

William:
Right. Right. Interesting stuff. So, these carrots...

Keziah:
Have been murdered, yes.

William:
Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly!

Max:
You haven't slept with her, have you?

William:
That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.

Max:
"No comment" means "yes."

William:
No it doesn't.

Max:
Do you ever masturbate?

William:
DEFINITELY no comment.

Max:
You see? It means "yes."

William:
Whoopsidaisies!

Anna Scott:
What did you say?

William:
Nothing.

Anna Scott:
Yes you did.

William:
No I didn't.

Anna Scott:
You said "whoopsidaisies".

William:
I don't think so. No one says "whoopsidaisies" do they? Unless they're...

Anna Scott:
There *is* no "unless." No one has said "whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and even then it was only little girls with blonde ringlets.

William:
Exactly. Here we go again.

William:
Whoopsidaisies. It's a disease I've got. It's a clinical thing. I'm taking pills and having injections. It won't last long.

William:
It's as if I've taken love heroin, and now I can't ever have it again.

Anna Scott:
Can I stay for a while?

William:
You can stay forever.

William:
I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.

Anna Scott:
I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Anna Scott:
I can't believe you have that picture on your wall.

William:
You like Chagall?

Anna Scott:
I do. It feels like how being in love should be. Floating through a dark blue sky.

William:
With a goat playing the violin.

Anna Scott:
Yes - happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat.

Honey:
William just turned down Anna Scott.

Spike:
You daft prick.

Anna Scott:
Rita Hayworth used to say, "They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me."

William:
Who's Gilda?

Anna Scott:
Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality. Do you feel that way?

William:
You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

Max:
Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess, you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.

William:
Buggered, is it?

Max:
Every time.

Spike:
I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box, though.

Max:
James Bond never has to put up with this sort of sh*t.

Spike:
There's something wrong with this yogurt.

William:
Ah, that's not yogurt, that's mayonnaise...

Spike:
ah, right-o then.

William:
Is this your first film?

12-yr-old Actress:
Well... actually it's my 22nd!

William:
Any favorites among the 22?

12-yr-old Actress:
Working with Leonardo.

William:
DaVinci?

12-yr-old Actress:
DiCaprio.

William:
Of course. And is... is he your favorite Italian director?

Anna Scott:
"For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together.

Anna Scott:
Hi. I'd just like to apologise for my friend, he's really sensitive. Don't worry about it! I'm sure it was harmless. I'm sure it just friendly banter. I'm sure you guys have d*cks the size of peanuts! Enjoy your dinner, the tuna's really good.

Bella:
Do you want to stay?

William:
Why not? All that awaits me at home is a masturbating Welshman.

William:
Yeah... b*tch.

William:
Would you like something to eat? Something to nibble? Apricots, soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting like apricots and makes them taste like honey... and if you wanted honey, you could just... buy honey. Instead of apricots. But nevertheless they're yours if you want them.

William:
Sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment.

Anna Scott:
Don't worry, I thought the whole apricot honey thing was the real low point.

Spike:
Bugger this for a bunch of bananas.

Anna Scott:
What's so annoying is now I'm so totally fierce when it comes to nudity clauses.

William:
You have clauses in your contract?

Anna Scott:
Yeah. "you may show the dent at the top of the artist's buttocks, but neither cheek or if a stunt bottom is being used, artists must have full consultation".

William:
You have a stunt bottom?

Anna Scott:
I *could* have a stunt bottom, yes.

William:
Are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own?

Anna Scott:
Well yeah, I would. This is important stuff.

William:
Hell of a thing to put on your passport, Occupation "Mel Gibson's bottom"

Anna Scott:
Actually Mel does his own ass work. Well why wouldn't he.

Anna's Co-Star:
God that's an enormous arse.

Anna Scott:
I'm not listening.

Anna's Co-Star:
Not honestly, it's so sad, all those anorexic girls. She has enough to share around and still be big bottomed.

Anna Scott:
I would think looking at something that nice, you and your bony little excuse for an arse would be well advised to keep quiet.

Anna Scott:
What do you think?

William:
Gripping. It's not Jane Austen, it's not Henry James but it's gripping.

Anna Scott:
You think I should do Henry James?

William:
I think you'd be wonderful in Henry James but this writer - writers, they're pretty good too.

Anna Scott:
You never get anyone in Wings of a dove saying "inform the pentagon we need black star cover"

William:
And for me the book is the poorer for it.

Karen, Anna's Publicist:
Are you a fan of Henry James?

William:
"Don't even think about it. Go away immediately. Go away."

Max:
[Opens door.] Hi.

Honey:
Hi. [Shows off her dress.]

Max:
Ah yes, Happy Birthday.

Honey:
Thank you.

Max:
Look, your brother's brought this girl ...

Honey:
Hi guys! [Walks into the house and turns a corner.] Oh, holy f***!

William:
Hon, this is Anna. Anna, this is Honey. She is my baby sister.

Anna:
Oh, hi.

Honey:
Oh God! This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I ... I'm going to fail just a 100%. I ... I absolutely, totally, and utterly adore you, and I just think ... you are the most beautiful woman in the world. And more importantly, I genuinely believe, and I've believed for some time now, that ... that we could be best friends. So what do you think?

Anna:
Oh ... ha ha, uh, lucky me! [Offers present.] Um ah well, Happy Birthday.

Honey:
Oh, you gave me a present. We're best friends already then. ... Marry Will! He's a really nice guy. Then we can be sisters.

Anna:
Well, I'll think about it.

Anna:
Wait, what about me?

Max:
Sorry, you think you deserve the brownie?

Anna:
Well, a shot at it, at least, huh?

William:
Well, you'll have to fight me for it- this is a very good brownie.

Anna:
I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not-nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.

Honey:
Really?

Anna:
Really. [indicates chin and nose] And, one day, not long from now, my looks will go, they'll discover I can't act and I'll become some sad, middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.

Max:
[long pause] Nah, nice try, gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone. [all laugh]

William:
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.

William:
[slipping while trying to climb a fence] Whoopsidaisies!

Anna:
What did you say?

William:
Nothing.

Anna:
Yes you did.

William:
No I didn't.

Anna:
You said "whoopsidaisies".

William:
I don't think so. No one says "whoopsidaisies" do they? Unless they're...

Anna:
There is no "unless." No one has said "whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and even then it was only just little girls with blonde ringlets.

William:
Exactly. Right, here we go again. [he falls off the fence again] Whoopsidaisies. It's a disease I've got. It's a clinical thing. I'm taking pills and having injections. I'm told it won't last long.

...

William:
[after hitting his shin on a fence while climbing over it] Now what in the world in this garden could make that ordeal worthwhile?

[Anna kisses him]

William:
Nice garden.

William:
[leaving the restaurant after challenging the loud guys] I'm sorry.

Anna:
No, I love that you tried. Time was I'd have done the same thing. In fact...[turns back and walks up to the loud table] Hi.

Loud Man in Restaurant:
Oh. My. God.

Anna:
I just wanted to apologize for my friend - he's very sensitive.

Loud Man in Restaurant:
No, I mean...

Anna:
No, leave it. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, I'm sure it was just friendly banter, I'm sure you guys have d*cks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner, the tuna's really good.

William:
There's this girl...

Spike:
Aha, see I've been getting a female vibe. Good. Speak on, dear friend.

William:
Ah, see she's someone who can't be mine. And, uh it's as if I've taken love heroin and now I can't ever have it again. I've opened Pandora's box and there's trouble inside.

Spike:
[pause] Yeah. Tricky. I knew a girl at school called Pandora...never got to see her box though. [laughs]

William:
Right. Well thanks, that's very helpful.

Anna:
What is it about men and nudity? Particularly breasts? How can you be so interested in them?

William:
Well...

Anna:
I mean, seriously- they're just breasts, every second person in the world has them.

William:
Oh, more than that, when you think about it: you know, Meat Loaf has a very nice pair!

Anna:
[laughing] But... they're odd looking, they're for milk, your mother has them, you've seen a thousand of them. What's all the fuss about?

William:
Actually, I can't think of what it is, really. Let me just have a quick look... [peeks under blanket] No, no, beats me.

Anna:
[laughs] Yeah. Rita Hayworth used to say, "They go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."

William:
Who's Gilda?

Anna:
Her most famous part. Men went to bed with the dream, they didn't like it when they'd wake up with the reality. Do you feel that way?

William:
You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

William:
The thing is, with you I'm in real danger. It seems like a perfect situation, apart from that foul temper of yours, but my relatively inexperienced heart would I fear not recover if I was, once again, cast aside as I would absolutely expect to be. There's just too many pictures of you, too many films. You know, you'd go and I'd be... uh, well buggered basically.

Anna:
That really is a real no, is it?

William:
I live in Notting Hill, you live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are; my mother has trouble remembering my name.

Anna:
Fine. Fine. Good decision. [Nods her head] Good decision. [After a pause] The fame thing isn't really real you know? And don't forget I'm... I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

William:
...What do you think? Good move?

Honey:
Good move. When all is said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.

Bella:
Good decision. All actresses are as mad as snakes.

William:
Tony, what do you think?

Tony:
Never met her, never want to.

William:
Brilliant. Max?

Max:
Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.

William:
Great. Thanks. Brilliant.

[Spike arrives]

Spike:
I was called and I came. What's up?

Honey:
William's just turned down Anna Scott.

Spike:
[shocked] You daft prick!

Honey:
No, no, no, no, it's actually quite sensible.

Bella:
[looks at the painting of the Chagall that Anna gave William] That painting isn't the original, is it?

William:
Umm, yeah, I think that one may be.

Bernie:
But she said she wanted to go out with you?

William:
Yes...sort of...

Bernie:
That's nice.

William:
What?

Bernie:
Well, you know, anyone saying they want to go out with you is...pretty great...isn't it?

William:
It was sort of sweet, actually- um, I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said she might be as famous as can be, but also...that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. [pause] Oh, sod a dog, I've made the wrong decision, haven't I? [Spike nods. Another pause] Max, how fast is your car?

Bella:
Which way are you going?

Max:
Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.

Bella:
No, crazy, crazy. Go along Bayswater-

Honey:
That's right, and then Park Lane-

Bernie:
No, no. Straight down to Cromwell Road, and left-

William:
No!

[The car slams to a halt]

Max:
Stop right there! I will decide the route! All right?!

William:
Sorry Max...

Max:
James Bond never has to put up with this sort of sh*t.

P.R. Chief:
Right. Yes. The gentleman in the pink shirt.

William:
Yes. Miss Scott, are there any circumstances where the two of you might be more than just good friends?

Anna:
I hoped there would be but no, I've been assured that there aren't.

William:
But what would you say...

P.R. Chief:
I'm sorry. Just the one question.

Anna:
No. It's alright. You were saying?

William:
I was just wondering if uh it turned out that this person...

Journalist:
Thacker. His name is Thacker.

William:
Right. Thanks. Just wondered if Mr. Thacker realised he'd been a daft prick and got down on his knees and begged you to reconsider whether you would in fact... then reconsider.

Anna:
[pause] Yes. I believe I would.

William:
That's very good news. Um, the readers of Horse and Hound will be absolutely delighted.

[Anna whispers in the P.R. Chief's ear]

P.R. Chief:
Right, uh...Dominic... if you'd like to ask your question again?

Journalist:
Yes. Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain?

Anna:
[pause, smiles] Indefinitely. (Elvis Costello's "She" begins to play as the camera pans between Will and Anna)

I tell you a story, that makes your balls shrink to the size of raisins!

Spike