Nurse Jackie

Jackie Peyton:
[Grabs Kaitlyn, on the sides of her arms] Kaitlyn, shut the f*** up!

Mrs. Zimberg:
The doctor who told Bernie he had less than six months to live? He's dead.

Bernard Zimberg:
Hit by a bus.

Mrs. Zimberg:
Crosstown M-14.

Bernard Zimberg:
They're nice busses, if you have to get hit by a bus.

Mrs. Zimberg:
You could do worse.

Bernard Zimberg:
[on Dr. Akalitis] That's not a happy woman.

Jackie Peyton:
It wasn't even my twenty; I got it off a dead guy in the morgue.

[Zoey turns and stares at Jackie]

Jackie Peyton:
I was kidding, Zoey, just kidding.

Zoey Barkow:
I love jokes.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
My stalker bought me a coffee. I should have said no, but he got to stare at my ass as I walked away, so it's a win for both of us.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
You know, if I had a choice between George Clooney's cock and this cup of coffee, I'd go coffee.

Jackie Peyton:
I can't tonight.

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara:
Sorry, have we met? What could possibly be more fulfilling than dining with me?

Zoey Barkow:
I'll go.

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara:
[looking at Zoey] Done.

Jackie Peyton:
Are you kidding me?

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara:
I'm not. That's how easily you're replaced.

Zoey Barkow:
I think it's interesting how you use humor to cover up your real emotions. Somebody in your past must have really hurt you, and I'm sorry for that. Because I think you're one of the most generous people I've ever met.

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara:
Darling, the point of these little feasts is to eat, and never to dip into... whatever the hell that was.

Gloria Akalitus:
I know that you do what you think you have to get the job done, but I have been f***ing the system for over thirty years. There's not a move in this repertoire that I haven't already seen.

Jackie Peyton:
We'll see.

Zoey Barkow:
I did believe you. I always believed you

Zoey Barkow:
Sit there. Don't talk too much. Watch what I do.

Jackie Peyton:
Why does this have to happen?

Eddie Walzer:
You can't escape nature.

Jackie Peyton:
But why stay? They had plenty of warnings.

Eddie Walzer:
They think they can ride out the storm.

Gloria Akalitus:
We all make mistakes.

Zoey Barkow:
We do. Jackie doesn't.

Grace Peyton:
You need help, Mom.

Zoey Barkow:
I only want us to help her. That's it... I think Jackie needs rehab... I'm worried for her... I'm also worried for us.

Gloria Akalitus:
I offered her diversion.

Zoey Barkow:
Great.

Gloria Akalitus:
She's not gonna take it.

Zoey Barkow:
Thank you for trying.

Dr. Carrie Roman:
As my direct supervisor, I trust you'll deal with this fairly, and, not let the fact that I am, excuse me, carrying your chic have any effect on your decision in any way.

Jackie Peyton:
If I'm not a nurse, I'm no one.

Jackie Peyton:
You should have come to me.

Zoey Barkow:
I did.

Jackie Peyton:
You have to tell Akalitus the truth.

Zoey Barkow:
I did that too.

Jackie Peyton:
Dr. Roman f***ed up the insulin dosage for that patient.

Zoey Barkow:
I was there, you know.

Jackie Peyton:
Well then you know that already. Then maybe your part of the problem!

Zoey Barkow:
Just stop! Just f***ing stop. You think this is about the insulin?

Jackie Peyton:
Yes! This is about the f***ing insulin.

Zoey Barkow:
You used a picture, of a dying nun to make a fake ID

Zoey Barkow:
Listen, Zoey.

Zoey Barkow:
And then you convinced her, the very last thing she did on earth, to lie for you, to say that she was Nancy Wood, and she stole Carrie's DEA number.

Jackie Peyton:
This has got to be hard for you.

Zoey Barkow:
It's hard for me that you've been using this whole time

Jackie Peyton:
Zoey, you have to believe me.

Zoey Barkow:
I did believe you. I always believed you.

Gloria Akalitus:
[to a coma patient] I've never been a fan of movies where idiots talk to people in comas. Would you consider signing something clearing All Saints of any neglective malfeasance? Just a thought.

Eddie Walzer:
[pointing to a picture on the wall] Is that your wife?

Kevin Peyton:
Yeah. Jackie.

Eddie Walzer:
She's beautiful.

Kevin Peyton:
Are you married?

Eddie Walzer:
No. I'm seeing someone, but she's married, two kids.

Kevin Peyton:
That's a rough ride.

Eddie Walzer:
Brother, you don't know the half of it.

Zoey Barkow:
What if he wakes up and the first thing he sees is me wearing kiddy scrubs? He'll think I don't take what happened seriously.

Thor Lundgren:
Well, what if he never wakes up?

Zoey Barkow:
Hey!

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Or what if he wakes up and he's blind? What about the rest of us? We're stuck watching you mope around in grey.

Thor Lundgren:
It takes a village.

Zoey Barkow:
That's not what that means.

Thor Lundgren:
Yes, it is!

Zoey Barkow:
You know, Mr. Nutterman? I'm not so crazy about Kevin Costner either.

Neil Nutterman:
Do I know him?

Zoey Barkow:
Uhm. What movie won the Oscar for Best Picture last year?

Neil Nutterman:
When was "Showgirls"? That was a good movie.

Jackie Peyton:
I am teaching you how to rule out a stroke, not how to give the man a massage.

Gloria Akalitus:
[to Zoey] Big attitude coming from someone wearing panda earrings.

Gloria Akalitus:
You're gay.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Yes?

Gloria Akalitus:
I'm not.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
I never said you were.

Gloria Akalitus:
You have gay friends?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
I do.

Gloria Akalitus:
Some of whom have children, I assume.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
My friends Kevin and Kevin adopted, but that's about it.

Gloria Akalitus:
Did they go through an adoption agency?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Lawyer, I think.

Gloria Akalitus:
Was it expensive?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
I don't know. I can ask.

Gloria Akalitus:
I would appreciate that.

[Gloria smiles, and Mo-Mo sits back]

Gloria Akalitus:
[waving him off] Okay, we're done here.

Social Worker:
Great news, we found the parents.

Gloria Akalitus:
What? Where?

Social Worker:
They've stepped forward, to resume custody.

Gloria Akalitus:
I'm not handing over this child to just anyone.

Social Worker:
It's the parents.

Gloria Akalitus:
I understand that.

Social Worker:
We've been to the apartment, everything checks out. They were just a little overwhelmed. They're young.

Gloria Akalitus:
No excuse. Barack Obama's mother was eighteen.

Ginny Flynn:
I told you not to scold my child.

Jackie Peyton:
I asked your child to make a little bit of room for my child, and I think I said "please".

Kaitlyn Flynn:
I don't think she practiced.

Jackie Peyton:
Have you always been such a snot, Kaitlyn?

Grace Peyton:
Mom, don't.

Ginny Flynn:
You're embarassing your daughter.

Jackie Peyton:
F*** you!

Tap Instructor:
Uh, is there a problem here?

Jackie Peyton:
No.

Kaitlyn Flynn:
She said the "F".

Ginny Flynn:
In a church.

Melissa Greenfield:
I'm just shocked. I thought we were perfect together.

Dr. Fitch Cooper:
We are. We were. It's so not you, I promise. You're exactly my type. I've dated a hundred of you, I swear.

Melissa Greenfield:
Oh my God, that's even worse!

Dr. Fitch Cooper:
No, it's a compliment!

Zoey Barkow:
In your professional opinion, why are cats so underused in the film industry?

Neil Nutterman:
I hate cats.

Neil Nutterman:
My job is to hold people to a higher standard. Do you know what an unfun, thankless job that is?

Gloria Akalitus:
Oh, I know.

Neil Nutterman:
I don't need people to agree with me. I expect "good," I expect "smart," and if that makes me the bad guy...

Gloria Akalitus:
A fellow bad guy. That's refreshing.

Zoey Barkow:
I put a film critic in a coma. You know when I wake up, the first thing I think is, I hope I don't kill anyone today.

Thor Lundgren:
It's good to have goals.

Zoey Barkow:
The only thing I want to do besides help people, is *not* kill them.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
We all make mistakes.

Thor Lundgren:
I shaved a woman's pubic hair before she got her toncils out.

Jackie Peyton:
[advising Zoe] I don't like chatty, okay? I don't do chatty. I like quiet. Quiet and mean. Those are my people.

Jackie Peyton:
[from offscreen, after handing Zoe a severed ear] Puke away from the ear, Zoe.

Zoey Barkow:
I just want you to know, I think it's supergreat that I'll be with you all day. I can tell you're somebody who, you know, lives the job, and that's totally me. Totally...

Jackie Peyton:
OK, a quick question.

Zoey Barkow:
Sure.

Jackie Peyton:
Shut up.

Zoey Barkow:
Is that the question?

[first lines]

Jackie Peyton:
Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table. T.S. Eliot, tenth grade English. Sister Jane Deshuntel. What a champ. She's the one who told me that the people with the greatest capacity for good are the ones with the greatest capacity for evil. Smart f***ing nun.

[last lines]

Jackie Peyton:
It bears repeating. Make me good, God. But not yet.

Jackie Peyton:
Dr. Cooper grabbed my tit today.

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara:
Did your tit make the first move?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
What does one offer as a side dish when serving John the Baptist's head on a silver platter?

Jackie Peyton:
Hmm... coleslaw. No, mac and cheese. No, potato salad.

Zoey Barkow:
I think you're a saint. Just so you know.

Zoey Barkow:
Do you think there is an infinite amount of pain in the world?

Jackie Peyton:
Yes. That's why there's drugs. [Walks away. Zoey follows]

Jackie Peyton:
Hello, my loves.

Fiona Peyton:
Mom!

Jackie Peyton:
Come here, babe. [Lifts Fiona, kisses her and puts her down]

Fiona Peyton:
A moonpie.

Jackie Peyton:
Mmhmm

Fiona Peyton:
For me?

Jackie Peyton:
Split it with your sister. [Watches Grace open packet, walks into kitchen after putting her ring back on]

Kevin Peyton:
[Turns around] Hey babe. I made pancakes for dinner. How great is that?

Jackie Peyton:
[Voice-over] It bears repeating; make me good God... but not yet.

Dr. Fitch Cooper:
They're no different than the bullies in 4th grade who gave me sh*t for having gay moms. Dude, they called me Martina.

Thor Lundgren:
Oh my God! You're *so* much prettier than she is.

Dr. Fitch Cooper:
Thank you.

Zoey Barkow:
At this very moment I have no desire to stab you in the neck.

Lenny:
Cool!

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
What's up with O'Hara?

Jackie Peyton:
Who knows?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Usually she says hello.

Jackie Peyton:
No, she only says hello when she's bored. Or she's wearing something new and she wants someone to notice.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
God, you're right. Those Chanel pumps are hot, though.

Dr. Eleanor O'Hara:
Besides, you're a smart girl, you know what to do.

Jackie Peyton:
I do.

Jackie Peyton:
[looking up] I do?

Zoey Barkow:
Which is bigger? Morbidly obese or super obese? I have it written down somewhere.

Jackie Peyton:
Zoey, what you walked in on was very, very private.

Zoey Barkow:
Oh, I know. Listen, I don't have any judgement or anything.

Jackie Peyton:
I don't care if you do.

Zoey Barkow:
I went to second with my manager at Burger King, so I get it.

Jackie Peyton:
See, I don't want to know that.

[lying on church benches]

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
I want to find your ring. Cause then I'll have done one good thing today. If I can do one good thing a day, I feel good about my life.

Jackie Peyton:
That's doable.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Believe me, it's harder than it sounds. Plus I've got a lot of bad sh*t I'm trying to make up for.

Jackie Peyton:
I don't believe you, Mohammed.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
That's because you're a good person.

Zoey Barkow:
Do you think it's true what they say about twins? That they can read each other's minds? Feel each other's pain?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Definitely. I'm a twin. I was a twin.

Zoey Barkow:
[hugging Mohammed] Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
[brushing her off] Chica, never do that. Never think you should feel sorry for me.

Zoey Barkow:
Do you remember him?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
You know, I do. I remember being with someone, you know? Like I came into the world with someone. I didn't come here alone, so, you know, being alone-alone is hard for me. It doesn't feel bad. It just feels wrong.

Zoey Barkow:
Do you ever think about what he would be like?

Mohammed 'Mo-Mo' De La Cruz:
Every day.

Jackie Peyton:
[a patient has died on Zoey] Everybody has a first. It's never easy. And if it does become easy, it's time to quit.

Zoey Barkow:
I spend all day firing people and doing bullshit paperwork and f***ing pee tests and f***ing worrying about everybody else. When I get back to my apartment, I just want to hide under the covers and listen to really sad Adele songs, so, basically all of them. I haven't turned in a paper for the past three weeks. I'm just failing. At everything. I don't even know if I want to be a nurse anymore.

Dr. Carrie Roman:
I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you were f***ing a pretend vagina every night.

Pedophile:
[groaning with catheter in his penis] Will one of you get this thing out of my dick?

Zoey Barkow:
Can I at least take the knife out?

Jackie Peyton:
No, Zoey. You never remove a foreign object protruding from a patient. A surgeon does that, do you understand?

Zoey Barkow:
[whispering] But it's so tempting.

[Zoey stands behind Jackie]

Jackie Peyton:
Hovering...

[Zoey moves back a little]

Jackie Peyton:
Still hovering.

Jackie Peyton:
[to Zoey] What's this about? Nobody ate your muffins? You found an ear in the toilet? So what? You know what this job is, honey? This job is wading through a shitstorm of people who come into this place on the very worst day of their lives. And just so you know, doctors are here to diagnose, not heal. *We* heal. All Saints is in the business of flipping beds. That's it, end of story. The fact that you have even the slightest inclination to help people puts you miles ahead of one hundred percent of the population. So stop crying, okay? Buck up! If you need to cry, go do it in the ladies room. Is that clear?

Lenny:
35-year-old female had a DNC 3 days ago. Severe abdominal cramps. She's got enough Dilaudid to knock out Rex Ryan. But she's still in a lot of pain.

Dr. Fitch Cooper:
Rex Ryan's a big guy?

Jackie Peyton:
Who's Rex Ryan?

Thor Lundgren:
Head coach of the Jets. Hello. You guys are barbarians.

Paula:
Here's to you, and here's to me, and if we ever disagree, f*** you.

Dr. Fitch Cooper:
You were the better cook, you sewed all my buttons back on, you took me to Duran Duran... I loved you more, embrace it.

Mrs. Scheinhorn:
The reason I was more fun was because she wanted us to bond, so she gave me all the fun stuff. That's all. She gets the credit, not me. And you know what? It worked. Here we are. Voil?.