Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire

Mrs. Riley:
[singing to Mister Pain] Poor Mother Hubbard, what would she do? I'm so broke I don't have a bone to throw at you.

Tilly:
[about the coffin] There may be a mummy in there.

Mrs. Riley:
Oh mummy mummy, open up it's daddy.

Delivery Driver:
I have a special delivery for you.

Mrs. Riley:
Special delivery, which is why you put it through the window instead of the letter box.

Mrs. Riley:
[seeing the robot] It's me uncle Jerry-miah, they've canned him! And me without a tin opener in the whole house.

Mrs. Riley:
[singing] I lift up my finger and I say tweet tweet, now now, shush shush, come come.

[first lines]

Mugsy:
There she is.

Anton Daschomb:
Turn the car on.

Scotland Yard Man:
Scientist calling himself The Vampire is a man named Von Housen born in Bosnic in 1894. He is the descendant of Baron Von Housen whom legend immortalized as a vampire. For reasons of his own, Von Housen claims to be an earthly reproduction of his notorious ancestor, owing his continued existence to the consumption of human blood. Needless to say, there is not the faintest vestige of truth in his claim, but it does not deny that he is a scientist of considerable repute and his activities shall be restrained.

Scotland Yard Man:
Personally, I feel that we are dealing with a dangerous character. Not for what he claims to be, but for what he is; a fanatical scientist with a stupid gang of men who have allowed themselves to be mesmerized by legend.

Julia Loretti:
Did you say that you're from the Ministry?

Anton Daschomb:
Yes, that is right.

Julia Loretti:
I did not know that they had foreigners in the British ministry.

Anton Daschomb:
Oh, my dear Miss Loretti, this is the foreign ministry.

Mrs. Riley:
Um, w-w-what does he do with his victims?

Mrs. Jenks:
He drinks their blood.

Mrs. Riley:
[shudders] Drinks their blood.

Mrs. Mott:
Every drop.

Mrs. Riley:
Every drop?

Mrs. Mott:
Every drop.

Mrs. Riley:
What a thirst.

Hitchcock, the butler:
Master.

Von Housen:
Yes?

Hitchcock, the butler:
[referring to the "Dracula" outfit worn by Von Housen] I'm curious to know why you always sleep in your evening clothes.

Von Housen:
Really?

Hitchcock, the butler:
Yes, Master.

Von Housen:
[laughing] I was buried in them.

Von Housen:
When I came in, I saw you looking at that painting. Do you like bats?

Mrs. Riley:
No, I hate them. They give me cold shivers up and down me brisket.

Von Housen:
That's a great pity. That happens to be my brother.

Von Housen:
I intend to build 50,000 robots.

Anton Daschomb:
50,000?

Von Housen:
Yes.

Anton Daschomb:
But how many have you built so far?

Von Housen:
Uh, one.

P. C. Freddie:
Sleeps in a coffin? Don't be dark.

Tilly:
I tell you he does. I've seen it.

P. C. Freddie:
Where?

Tilly:
In his bedroom. He hasn't got a bed in there. He's only got a coffin.

P. C. Freddie:
Listen, my old aunt Agatha likes sleeping in a rocking chair. There's nothing usual about that. The old boy prefers a coffin, well that's his funeral.

[last lines]

Mrs. Riley:
This is the end.