On the Buses

Stan Butler:
Can I have your beer Olive?

Olive Rudge:
No!

Arthur Rudge:
You're not going to drink it are you?

Olive Rudge:
I'm going to wash my hair with it! Beer shampoo's very good for your hair!

Arthur Rudge:
If you use that, your hair will fall out!

Stan Butler:
Is that how you lost yours?

Inspector Cyril 'Blakey' Blake:
[Stan has tried to get to grips with one of the clippies] Touching her like that is indecent!

Stan Butler:
It's not indecent! it would have been, only her ticket machine got in the way

Jack Harper:
[Blakey wants Stan to take a sobriety test] I am here to tell you that a doctor should be present!

Inspector Cyril 'Blakey' Blake:
Yes, well, I don't know where he is.

Jack Harper:
I do - it's quarter to 6. He'll be in the boozer getting sloshed!

Stan Butler:
[Whispering] Let's go over there...

Jack Harper:
[hissing out of the side of his mouth] Shut up!

Stan Butler:
[Finding the bucket is empty] The rotten lot - they've chucked it down the sink!

Jack Harper:
It's a wonder the drains haven't exploded!

Jack Harper:
Here, Chalkie, have you seen Stan, we're due out, and the Inspector's going barmy

Chalkie:
Well, he's barmy anyway!

Clippie:
I thought you were the quiet one!

Stan Butler:
I'll show you whether I'm the quiet one!

Stan Butler:
You know, Jack, I didn't think one plate of spuds would get rid of all that booze

Jack Harper:
It doesn't - you need three at least!

Arthur Rudge:
What do you think you're doing? That's the eiderdown from my bed!

Stan Butler:
Well, it won't hurt! If you get cold feet in the night, you can stick em on Olive!

Arthur Rudge:
[the hydrometer has hit the bottom of the bucket] Blimey! That's not beer, it's firewater!

Stan Butler:
[Balkey has ordered Stan to unhand the clippie] Why - is she you're bit?

Stan Butler:
I can't manage it!

Jack Harper:
No, you need a bigger spoon [picks one up] oh, that's no good! [drops the spoon and scoops up some mashed potato with a saucer] here, use this saucer!

Stan Butler:
[Glaring at Jack] This is a mouth here, mate - not the Blackwall tunnel!

[Chalkie has brought over two plates full of mashed potato for Stan to mop up the beer he's been drinking]

Jack Harper:
Thanks Chalkie, I'll mention it to the Queen - you'll probably get the OBE!

Chalkie:
OK, mate.

Jack Harper:
[Looking through the beer kit] Here, Stan - You've got enough for another eight gallons here.

Stan Butler:
I'm not making any more of that stuff - not after what it did to them! Did you see the way Olive looked at Arthur? Blimey, she'll kill him!

Jack Harper:
Well, I was just thinking - if it'll do that for her, think what it'll do for the clippies!

Stan Butler:
[pause] We'll have a rave-up party! Get the saucepan! [Jack does so] You know who I've got my eye on? Randy Ruby from Wood Green! [Dialogue fades under end credits]

Arthur Rudge:
Olive darling, I'll take your knitting up for you. I know how you like a little knit in bed.

Stan Butler:
Yeah, that's why she married you!

Mary:
[to Blakey] You really must suck something.

Stan Butler:
He does - that's why we call him Dracula!

Stan Butler:
She's my mum!

Arthur Rudge:
She's my mother-in-law. That means I've got the law on my side!

[Jack walks into the Butler's kitchen]

Jack Harper:
Why is Olive crawling about on the floor?

Olive Rudge:
I thought you were the milkman!

Jack Harper:
Does Olive always crawl about on the floor when the milkman calls?

Stan Butler:
We wish she did! If she did, we wouldn't owe him ?6.10!

[Jack has entered the garage and spotted Arthur's newly acquired motorcycle/sidecar]

Jack Harper:
I didn't know you collected antiques!

Arthur Rudge:
Now, don't you start!

Olive says to Arthur ' I've been to see the Doctor today and he told me I'm pregnant and said your going to have to do without your manly pleasures' to which Arthur replied 'I'm not going without my telly'