One Week Notice

Senior Partner:
We are all in agreement that your suicide would be beneficial to the office.

Senior Partner:
As well as the environment.

Nick:
The environment?

Senior Partner:
I keep finding water bottles in your wastebasket.

Joe:
You a cop?

Nick:
No.

Joe:
Then let me piss in peace. Sh*t.

Nick:
You want a job?

Joe:
You gonna get me high?

Nick:
No, but you can make some money, and be around plenty of lawyers. They have cocaine.

Joe:
Go on.

Joe:
Can I still pee on walls?

Nick:
You can piss in a stripper's mouth for all I care.

Nick:
Do you know what joint tenancy is?

Joe:
I have no idea. I shared a joint once - once. Never make that mistake.

Nick:
Sometimes I get so bored I just wanna poke my eyes out with my good... pen... which someone has stolen, god damn it!

Maggie:
So, you're committing suicide, huh?

Nick:
I like that pen. I don't ask for much from this f***ing firm, but I like that pen. No, not like, love. Maggie, I love that pen.

Maggie:
I have tons of pens!

Nick:
Give me that f***ing pen or I'll blow your brains out along with mine!

Maggie:
Oh, no, no. No need to be so testy. You only have a few days left. You'd better use them wisely, Mister Grumpy-Pants.

Jamie Woodnit:
Do you remember your brother?

Nick:
Uh... yeah.

Nick:
Look, you're the only girl that I've ever been close to, and I thought that you should know that I'm committing suicide, and I'm giving you everything.

Jamie Woodnit:
Why? Don't you know that I hate you, and I really hate everything about you?

Jamie Woodnit:
Have you heard of YouTube?

Jamie Woodnit:
You know, committing suicide is, like, the best idea you've ever had. Good luck.

Nick:
But I'm dead. I don't have to deal with H.R. again.

Senior Partner:
Uh-uh-uh, that's where you're wrong.

Senior Partner:
Very wrong. Welcome to your permanent position.

Nick:
God, I love my f***ing pen.