Outside Providence

Timothy Dunphy:
What's a prep school?

Old Man Dunphy:
It's to prepare you for not getting your neck broke by me.

Old Man Dunphy:
Making sex is like a Chinese dinner: It ain't over 'til you both get your cookies.

Mr. Funderberk:
These are the rules, listen carefully: No smoking, no drinking, no drugs. No sex. No cheating. No lying, no gambling, no matches.

Timothy Dunphy:
No sh*t!

Mr. Funderberk:
No swearing.

Tommy the Wire:
You wouldn't know a classy broad if she took a dump on your head.

Old Man Dunphy:
What are you two knuckleheads up to?

Tim:
Going out.

Old Man Dunphy:
What you gonna do?

Tim:
Hang around.

Old Man Dunphy:
When you gonna come back?

Tim:
Later.

Old Man Dunphy:
Now, was that so hard?

Dean Mort:
Mr. Dunphy, do you have a friend called "Drugs"?

Timothy Dunphy:
Drugs Delaney?

Mr. Funderberk:
How many individuals named drugs could you possibly associate with?

Timothy Dunphy:
Just one.

Dean Mort:
Yesterday we received a letter addressed simply to Cornwall Academy, Cornwall, Connecticut. So naturally we, we opened it and read it. You might want to sit down. It begins, "Greetings Dunph. What's happening? I got your letter today. Cornhole Academy sounds like it really sucks the big one. I can't believe they make everyone work a lot and not smoke. You should tell that piece of sh*t Thunderturd to shove it. You didn't want to go there in the first place. Eat sh*t, man...

Drugs Delaney:
...Today you should've seen me and Mousy today at school today. I got cocked on a pint of Blackberry brandy, ate some THC on the bus. We were f***ed. This teacher Mr. Rivera goes, "What's wrong with you Delaney?" I go, "I'm totally f***ed, maaaaan!" Everybody laughed like a bastard. Oh man, you should see this song I'm listenin' to. It's called "Don't Bogart That Joint, My Friend." I think it's by a group called...

Dean Mort:
...This is a couple of hours later. Must have nodded out, man...

Drugs Delaney:
...I gotta go 'cause I'm probably definitely gonna nod out again...

Dean Mort:
...Want me to send you some squeef? Or you got enough? Good luck not getting caught. Cocked in Rhode Island, Drugs. P.S. - Oh yes, there's a postscript you might be interested in - Mousy says he stinkfingered Bunny Cote. As you might imagine Mr. Dunphy, this is, this is, this fairly incriminating. And, uh, technically you have not breached any of Cornwall Academy's rules, but you can bet your bottom dollar, Mister, we'll be keeping an eye on you.

Jane's Father:
 : So where are you thinking of going to school next year?

Timothy Dunphy:
Um, I'm thinkin' college.

Jane's Father:
Any school in particular?

Timothy Dunphy:
Yeah, probably.

[Dunphy rolls a joint]

Jane Weston:
Put that away! It's time to study.

Timothy Dunphy:
No, really, I study better when I'm stoned. It's like my brain becomes more focused or something.

Jane Weston:
Yeah, right. You haven't gotten higher than a D since you've been here.

Timothy Dunphy:
That's cause there's no good weed around here!

Old Man Dunphy:
So what ever happened to that little girl of yours?

Timothy Dunphy:
She's going to Brown University in the fall.

Old Man Dunphy:
Brown University? They got one of those in Providence!

Timothy Dunphy:
There's only one, Pop.

Timothy Dunphy:
My brother's in a wheel chair because of a freak accident as a kid. One day we were playing touch football and he fell off the roof.