Overboard

Annie:
What do you know, my children are in need of medical assistance and you can sit here and smuggly lecture me on the importance of tests, tests that exist to pigeon-hole children's potential, a thing that cannot possibly be measured, least of all by anal compulsive huns and my husband may be a large child but that's none of your business and my children may be rotten but they're mine and I think they are bright and sensitive and I do not have any doubts about their intellegence, I do however have serious doubts about yours.

Annie:
I'm a short, fat slut.

Annie:
I don't belong here, I feel it, don't you think I feel it. I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't WANT to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh God.

Dean Proffitt:
But baby, we LIKE you.

Edith Mintz:
But darling, if you have a baby, you won't be the baby anymore.

Dean Proffitt:
Oh Billy, there is a God and he loves me.

Billy Pratt:
You're not gonna shave your head, are ya?

Joanna:
You know forks were invented so that man could at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.

Dean Proffitt:
So were thumbs.

Joanna:
What did you say?

Dean Proffitt:
Nothing. It was... my stomach.

Joanna:
Well try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.

Travis Proffitt:
Are you sure this is gonna work?

Charlie:
My ideas ALWAYS work. I'm gifted.

Travis Proffitt:
I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.

Joanna:
Captain Karl?

Capt. Karl:
Yes madam?

Joanna:
We've never really had time to talk.

Capt. Karl:
No, we haven't.

Joanna:
Well, there's no time now.

Annie:
You... and the closet.

Dean Proffitt:
That's right. This is me and I'm standing in front of the closet.

Annie:
Something's familiar.

Dean Proffitt:
Yeah, well... that's 'cause we used to do it in the closet.

Annie:
Oh stop with the sex stories.

Billy Pratt:
Annie, those are my underwear.

Annie:
Yours?

Billy Pratt:
I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.

Annie:
But what about Gertie?

Billy Pratt:
I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl one night and my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean soesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing.

Billy Pratt:
I'm sorry, Annie. I got horny. Do you hate me?

Travis Proffitt:
It's not us, Dad, it's Roy.

Dean Proffitt:
What could I possibly give you... ever... that you don't already have?

Joanna:
A little girl.

Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt:
I'm not a b*tch. ANDREW. Are you going to bring me my lemon or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?

Dean Proffitt:
You know what your problem is?, You are so god damn bored you have to invent things to b*tch about. You don't have a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair, the closet was fine, you just needed something to fill up your useless, nail polishing, toe polishing, rich b*tch, sun tanning days. (the crew hears, and starts cheering in the engine room)

Billy Pratt:
Back in the day he was known as Mean Dean Proffitt and me I was Bad Billy Pratt

Joanna:
I have behaved so badly. You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you. I'm sorry

Andrew:
Apology accepted, madam.

Joanna:
What's my name?

Dean Proffitt:
Mrs. Annie Proffitt

Joanna:
Well what's my maiden name?

Dean Proffitt:
Annie Goolaheey

Joanna:
ANNIE GOOLAHEY... Where in God's name did I grow up, Dogpatch?

Dean Proffitt:
No, not there honey over in Goober, Idaho but it's a nuclear waste dump