Paul

Graeme Willy:
You are an alien!

Paul:
To you I am, yes.

Graeme Willy:
Are you gonna probe us?

Paul:
*Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?

Graeme Willy:
Whats the matter Clive?

Clive Gollings:
There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.

Graeme Willy:
Did you want tea?

Clive Gollings:
No, I don't want tea!

Graeme Willy:
Right, because tea is weird in America.

Clive Gollings:
What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?

Graeme Willy:
Well apparently they don't do that.

Paul:
[Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?

Clive Gollings:
[Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.

Paul:
[Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you

[Clive and Graham turn around]

Paul:
Put... the phone... down!

Clive Gollings:
[Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!

Paul:
Aw f*** me.

Graeme Willy:
[Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?

Paul:
I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!

Graeme Willy:
But you made him faint!

Paul:
It's not like I set my phaser to faint!

Graeme Willy:
You've got a phaser?

Clive Gollings:
Agent Mulder was right!

Paul:
Agent Mulder was my idea!

Sword Vendor:
That there's the Black Vampire. Watch out! She bites.

Clive Gollings:
How much?

Sword Vendor:
$1349.99

Graeme Willy:
Aren't you going to get it?

Clive Gollings:
[Speaking in Klingon] F*** that.

Paul:
[Paul is posing on the couch as Graeme prepares to draw him] Are you gonna draw me like your French girls, Jack? [blows a kiss]

Haggard:
I am authorized to use deadly force! Stand down!

Moses Buggs:
That thing's got my daughter!

Haggard:
Stand down! This is not your mission!

Moses Buggs:
I'm on a mission from God!

Haggard:
Tell him you failed!

[shoots Buggs]

Paul:
[after getting frisked inappropriately by O'Reilly] Get your goddamn hands off my motherf***in' junk!

O'Reilly:
[Runs and screams outside of gift shop to Haggard] It's in there! It's in there!

Paul:
[to two rednecks] YO! f***nuts! It's Probing time.

Tara Walton:
My weed!

Ruth Buggs:
You bet your hairy love-eggs!

Clive Gollings:
They're going to rape us and break our arms!

Graeme Willy:
I don't want my arms broken.

Paul:
[Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?

Graeme Willy:
No. Thank you.

Ruth Buggs:
I'll partake.

Paul:
Are you sure? It's pretty strong sh*t. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.

Graeme Willy:
Bob Dylan's not dead.

Paul:
[smiles] Isn't he?

Graeme Willy:
Paul, what happens if you get caught?

Paul:
Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's f***ed... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?

Clive Gollings:
Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.

Paul:
[sings] Clive likes boning space bears!

Ruth Buggs:
The world is 4000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.

Paul:
[offscreen in the bathroom] That's horseshit!

Graeme Willy:
How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?

Paul:
Actually I'm speaking English you f***ing idiot!

Adam Shadowchild:
[Upon seeing the cover of Clive Gollings' book, which shows an alien woman with 3 breasts] Three tits? Awesome.

Graeme Willy:
[while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!

Clive Gollings:
Ever since I saw "Mac and Me", I've dreamed about meeting you!

Ruth Buggs:
F***-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.

Paul:
I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?

Graeme Willy:
Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?

Paul:
F*** yeeah!

Ruth Buggs:
You bet your big fat cock I am!

Paul:
Nice!

Ruth Buggs:
Well ain't that a bag of tits.

Clive Gollings:
It's not fat, it's power!

Agent Zoil:
Motherf***in' tittysuckin' two-balled b*tch!

Paul:
[about boning an Ewok chick] What was it like?

Clive Gollings:
Well... she was 'furry' nice!

Ruth Buggs:
[after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?

Graeme Willy:
Uhh...

Ruth Buggs:
What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!

Paul:
She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.

Haggard:
[Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?

Graeme Willy:
Oh, no, that's Clive's...

Clive Gollings:
It's my novel.

Haggard:
[Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!

O'Reilly:
That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.

Graeme Willy:
[Looking disgusted] That's just sick.

O'Reilly:
I was just sayin'...

Paul:
[shouting out the RV window as Graeme and Clive walk into a gas station] Hey! Reese's Pieces! Thank you!

State Trooper:
Where are you boys from?

Clive Gollings:
...England.

State Trooper:
I heard about that place: no guns.

Graeme Willy:
Not many...

Clive Gollings:
No, not really, just... farmers.

State Trooper:
Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?

Graeme Willy:
[Uncomfortable] Well they don't...

Clive Gollings:
They- they try not to...

[the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]

Gas Station Attendant:
[Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.

Graeme Willy:
Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something. [They hastily exit the store]

Ruth Buggs:
So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?

Graeme Willy:
Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.

Ruth Buggs:
That's easy for you to say.

Graeme Willy:
It's really not.

Paul:
This is America. Kidnapping a Christian is worse than harboring a fugitive.

The Big Guy:
[from the extended version] Sh*t, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.

Graeme Willy:
They've shut Guantanamo Bay.

The Big Guy:
Did they? Be honest with yourselves.

[first lines]

Young Tara:
[referring to her dog] Go on, then, Paul. Don't be long.

Paul:
[about Clive manhandling him] If I get a dork infection, you're dead!

Agent Zoil:
You know you're a grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes. Have pubic hair.

O'Reilly:
All of those things.

Paul:
[1980 collaboration phone call] Okay Steven, how 'bout cellular revivification?

Steven Spielberg:
I don't know what that is.

Paul:
Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.

Steven Spielberg:
What's that mean?

Paul:
It means healing, Mr. Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg:
Yeah right, healing. Like by touch or something like that. Like maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?

Paul:
Maybe... You know, sometimes I find less is more.

Steven Spielberg:
Hey, trust me.

Ruth Buggs:
Sorry you got killed by my dad.

Graeme Willy:
It's fine. You want to try that kiss again?

[last lines]

Adam Shadowchild:
Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. Give it up.

Graeme Willy, Clive Gollings:
Three, two, one... [take stage in front of cheering audience]

Paul:
Bagels and coffee!

The Big Guy:
Haggard.

Agent Zoil:
Zoil.

The Big Guy:
Where are the other two?

Agent Zoil:
One crashed and burned, the other just burned.

The Big Guy:
Jesus Christ! This has been one f***-up after another. I should have handled this myself.

Agent Zoil:
I am very close. You give me one hour.

The Big Guy:
An hour? I'll be eating canap?s with the governor in an hour. I need this wrapped up now!

Agent Zoil:
No, no. They're mine, damn it. I'm gonna finish this, once and for all.

The Big Guy:
Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big gun... [Zoil shoots the radio]

Agent Zoil:
Boring conversation anyway.

Agent Zoil:
Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.

Clive Gollings:
Thank you, Agent Zoil.

Agent Zoil:
Please call me Lorenzo.

Clive Gollings, Graeme Willy:
Lorenzo Zoil?

Paul:
You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream.

Tara Walton:
But I don't have my toothbrush!

Paul:
Toothbrush? Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth!

Paul:
Eyes forward butt horn.

Adam Shadowchild:
3 tits? That's awesome.

Haggard:
3 tits? That's awesome.

Agent Zoil:
3 tits? That's awesome.

Alien on Paul's ship:
3 tits? Awesome.

Graeme Willy:
[Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.

Adam Shadowchild:
Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."

Graeme Willy:
Who said that?

Adam Shadowchild:
I did. I just said that.

Graeme Willy:
What do you think you're gonna dream about?

Clive Gollings:
Oh, the open road. High adventure. That kind of thing. You?

Graeme Willy:
Wonder woman.

The Big Guy:
I'm the one holding all the cards. And when I say "cards", I of course mean big f***ing gun.

[repeated Line]

Haggard, Pat Stevens, Agent Zoil:
Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild?

Tara Walton:
Get away from her, you b*tch!

Adam Shadowchild:
I can't read this, it's a legal thing.

O'Reilly:
Why not four tits?

Graeme Willy:
That's just sick.

Clive Gollings:
Get your own Alien!

Paul:
Oh, we're all made in God's image? [Throws open the bathroom door] Then how do you explain me? [Ruth faints] And that's Jenga.

Paul:
So weak...

Agent Zoil:
Boring conversation, anyway.

Agent Zoil:
One of them crashed and burned, the other one just burned.

The Big Guy:
[to Zoil, about Paul] Sh*t, the little f***er's probably gonna phone home or something.

- Nick Frost mentions the billions of Galaxies in space and the Waitress (Jane Lynch) replies with...

- "It really makes you think dosnt it."

(Nick Frost) - "Think what?"

(Jane) - "Where is everybody!?"