PCU

Womynist #2:
Stop the penis party!

Droz:
Are we having a party tonight or what?

Cecilia:
Well, there's no publicity, so there's no people; Gutter never showed up, so there's no beer; instruments just blew out, so there's no band; and I think Raji and Deege may be dead.

Droz:
Wait a minute... no beer? Well, where the hell's Gutter?

Katy:
Probably in a parking lot somewhere picking his nose.

Droz:
These, Tom, are the Causeheads. They find a world-threatening issue and stick with it for about a week.

Katy:
What about Naugahyde Windpipe?

Cecilia:
Too metal.

Raji:
Oedipus and the Mama's Boys.

Cecilia:
Too college radio.

Deeje:
My Johnson Is 12 Inches Long.

Cecilia:
Interesting, but I don't think it's a band name.

Bantam:
America's greatest president.

Rand:
It's me, Rand. Open up.

Bantam:
America's greatest president.

Rand:
Damn it. "Who is Ronald Reagan?"

Bantam:
A casual shoe for yachting.

Rand:
What are you trying to figure out, B.D.? Who could I be? "What is a blucher?"

Bantam:
They killed Jesus Christ.

Rand:
"Who are the Jews?" Open up, sucko.

Droz:
What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy.

Tom:
What's he doin?

Droz:
He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.

Tom:
That's his thesis?

Droz:
Yes! That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit.

Droz:
Well, that's good thinking.

Katy:
Hey, Droz, how 'bout this: Tonight, at the Pit, "Everyone Gets Laid."

Droz:
It's tasteless, disgusting, and offensive. I love it.

Droz:
Alright right, whaddya need? Bottle rockets, dental dams, Redi Wips, term papers?

Old Woman:
Excuse me, but can you blow me where the pampers is?

Gutter:
What?

Old Woman:
Can you blow me where the pampers is?

Gutter:
What?

Old Woman:
Can you *show* me where the *campus* is?

Droz:
Want some advice?

Tom:
Well, yeah.

Droz:
Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?

Tom:
Uh, no.

Droz:
Someone on your floor will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day.

Droz:
Ok, now it's true, the majority of students today are so cravenly PC, they wouldn't know a good time if it was sitting on their face, but there's one thing that will always unite us and them. They're young. They may not realize it yet. They've got the same raging hormones, the same self-destructive desire to get boldly trashed and wildly out of control. Look out that window! That's not a protest! That is cry for help! They're begging us...

Droz:
Please have a party! Feed us drinks!

Droz:
Get us laid! Aahhhhhh!

Moonbeam:
MEAT TOSSER!

Droz:
Hey monkeys, how about a little respect. The presiding person of the university just walked in.

Droz:
We need kegs. Multiple, cold and domestic.

President Garcia-Thompson:
You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day. You installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps and, most recently, you dumped 100 pounds of... MEAT on a peaceful vegan protest!

Droz:
Oh, come on! That was way more than 100 pounds.

Droz:
Go to sleep! Why won't you just go to sleep!

Rand:
Everyone, I have some good news, first of all...

Rand:
You're an idiot, don't you ever make me wait outside the door again!

Droz:
Hi, is Sam in there?

Womynist #1:
"In there"? What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Womynist #2:
Yeah, cock-man-oppressor!

Droz:
Why, thank you. Could you just tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.

Droz:
Gentlemen.

Droz:
Well, you call those useless, yerk-toting, frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys and you tell them you're gonna be an hour late.

Jock:
Hey, what's up, babes?

Womynist #1:
Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!

Jock:
You want a brewdog?

Womynist #1:
We're not interested in your penis!

Womynist #2:
Wait. I think he's offering us a beer.

Womynist #2:
Um, yes, we would like... a... beer.

Womynist #1:
It's, like, if you're nice to them, they bring you things?

Womynist #2:
Exactly.

Dave #1:
This is a total drag.

Dave #2:
Just give up, man.

Womynist:
You went out with a white male?

Samantha:
I was a freshman!

Womynist:
Freshperson, please.

Afrocentrist:
I'm a black man. There's no justice for me here in America. I should be at the front of the line.

Gay Activist:
Yeah, well, I'm gay and subject to ridicule and discrimination wherever I go.

Womynist:
Women are oppressed throughout the world. Give it a rest.

Droz:
Hey! You made it!

Samantha:
Yeah! Decent party. I can't believe the naked guy showed.

Droz:
Naked guy! Excellent butt, now it's a party!

Gutter:
Who's on beer?

Droz:
Uh, that'd roughly be you gut. I'd suggest kegs; multiple, cold, and domestic.

James "Droz" Andrews:
You remember this guy? He skippered Hitler's catamaran during the war.

James "Droz" Andrews:
Sanskrit. You're majoring in a 5,000 year old dead language.

James "Droz" Andrews:
Call me for the shower scene in "Dressed To Kill".

James "Droz" Andrews:
Those aren't women, Tom. Those are womynists.

James "Droz" Andrews:
Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.

James "Droz" Andrews:
I don't know if you're aware, but there actually was music recorded before 1989.

James "Droz" Andrews:
You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit.

James "Droz" Andrews:
Mmm. Warm, flat beer. Soggy chips. Think about that.

James "Droz" Andrews:
Gutter is a tool!

Mullaney:
Now we're even for the milkbones.

Mullaney:
You gotta make sure he gives you the bicentennial tour: 200 years of bull-sh*t.

Mullaney:
Are you just sitting around your dorm rooms playing cards and eating pizza? Is this the way you spent the majority of your four years in college? Would you like tonight to be different, you just don't have any place to go? Well, now you do! So turn off your radios and head on over. Tonight, at the Pit: Everyone Gets Laid.

Gutter:
Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe man. Clinton is playing right here!

Gutter:
Just one hit, then I gotta go.

Gutter:
I... I didn't exhale?

Mersh:
Funk, Gutter, funk! George Clinton, Parliament Funkadelic. Dude, aren't you a music major?

Mersh:
We're getting housed here, guys. I say we bring in Blotter.

Mersh:
Have a bong hit!

Mersh:
Just one binger to brighten up your day

Rand:
Pride of the Port Chester sports program, Tom: Hippie Olympics. Doesn't matter who wins 'cause they're all losers. You know, it's sad, really. This school used to be a bastion of rich, white elitism. And now... now they let homosexuals on the football team. Whining minorities run the student government. And you can't even coerce a woman into having sex with you without being brought up on charges.

Rand:
I scheme and plan for months and it gets screwed up because you can't control the students! Never send a woman to do a man's job!

Rand:
Whoa! Reality check here! Earth to tall b*tch! What is your fault? This is!

Pigman:
Shower scene....

Pigman:
"A Bridge Too Far." Caine and Hackman in the same movie. This is my thesis man! This is my closing argument! I CAN STOP WATCHING TV!

Pigman:
Pins and needles!

President Garcia-Thompson:
I think that Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building. The question is who goes? The math department or the hockey team? ... I think Hockey, call me about it.

Afrocentrist:
And the walls are painted white. And the chalk is white. And even the copy machine paper is white. This, my friend, is a white devil's conspiracy.

Womynist:
He's coming over here. Sisters, form a wall!

Old Woman:
Excuse me. Can you blow me where the Pampers is?

Raji:
Play Metallica and they will come.

B.D.:
Well, what I figure they did was they cut out a picture of your head and pasted it on another, different picture. I've done a little collage work myself.

Womynist:
You participated in a phallus naming?