Personal Services

[during a police raid on the brothel]

Jones:
[to Lennox, a senior police officer] This the woman and these are the premises on which I have kept observation over the last three months. This house has been operating as brothel during that time.

Lennox:
You've heard the officer. What have you got to say?

Christine Painter:
If I'd known he'd been out there all that time I'd have asked him in for a cup of tea.

[During a raid on the brothel, the police burst into a room and find a man screwing a prostitute]

Policeman:
Armed police officers. Stop what you are doing.

Client:
[gleefully] I don't care who you are. I'm not stopping now.

[Wing Commander Morten, dressed in a French maid's uniform, is dragged along the corridor to the cells after a police raid on the brothel]

Morten:
[yells] I am retired officer of the RAF, twice decorated. I flew two hundred and seven missions over occupied territory - in bra and panties!

Policeman:
You're a disgrace.

[the cell door slams shut]

Morten:
[yells, with hands on hips] This is no way to treat a lady!

[Being interviewed by the police after the raid on the brothel]

Christine Painter:
It's just like a Tupperware party, really. But I sell sex instead of plastic containers. If the wives were willing, I'd be out of a job, wouldn't I? But they go off sex - they'd rather sell Tupperware, ha-bloody-ha. Sex soon goes out of a marriage. I'm a bit old-fashioned, really - I believe in marriage. Men are animals, sexually. They don't talk a *bit* of sense till you've got them de-spunked. Women are more affectionate. They like a bit of affection. Though I've met a few horny buggers in my time. The wife wants a three-piece-suite. If she gave the man sex, he might be more inclined to come across with the three-piece-suite. It may not be a fashionable thing to say, but once you've got him de-spunked, and he's sitting there thinking he's all wonderful - done you a good turn, given you a pair of soggy knickers - in the afterglow of his glory he's more inclined to come across with the Draylon three-piece, don't you think?

Glossop:
You could well be right, love, I dunno. Personally, I've been married for twenty years and we still go at it like rabbits.

[At the police station after the raid on the brothel]

Christine Painter:
I'm responsible - not the men. You can't expect the men to be responsible. When the balls are full, the brain is empty.

[at the police station after the raid on the brothel, police officers Lennox and Timms are planning to charge Christine]

Lennox:
We're looking to make several charges - including possessing obscene articles for gain, selling liquor without a licence, running a disorderly house and keeping a brothel.

Christine Painter:
I just perform a service.

Timms:
You *will* go down for this.

Christine Painter:
I only go down for a price, dear, and I doubt if you could afford it.

Christine Painter:
Pass me a tissue, Wing Commander.