Phone Booth

The Caller:
If you have to ask, you're not ready to know yet.

The Caller:
Come on, Stu! Don't you get the game yet?

The Caller:
Isn't it funny - you hear a phone ringing and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?

The Caller:
Do you see the tourists with their video cameras, hoping the cops will shoot you so they can sell the tape to Goriest Police Shoot-outs?

Capt. Ramey:
And Jonah, don't look up!

The Caller:
You're in this position because you're not telling the truth.

Stu:
No, I'm in this f***ing position because YOU HAVE A GUN!

The Caller:
This guy is getting on my nerves.

Felicia:
Goddammit, man! You done made me hurt my dick hand.

Stu:
Ooooh! I'm sure you're just as good with the other hand.

Capt. Ramey:
Who do you keep talking to on the phone?

Stu:
No one.

Capt. Ramey:
Your friend, your lover? Who?

The Caller:
Careful, Stuart. Careful.

Stu:
My psychiatrist.

The Caller:
Excellent! I should have thought of that.

The Caller:
Nice shoes. Italian.

The Caller:
You hung up, Stu. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I feel bad about the pizza guy. But I couldn't miss seeing you and Kelly reunited. You don't have to thank me, nobody ever does. I just hope your newfound honesty lasts. Because if it doesn't, you'll be hearing from me.

Stu:
I have never done anything for anybody who couldn't do something for me. I string along an eager kid with promises I'll pay him money. I only keep him around because he looks up to me. Adam, if you're watching, don't be a publicist. You're too good for it. I lie in person and on the phone. I lie to my friends. I lie to newspapers and magazines who, who sell my lies to more and more people. I am just a part of a big cycle of lies, I should be f***in' president. I wear all this Italian sh*t because underneath I still feel like the Bronx. I think I need these clothes and this watch. My Two thousand dollar watch is a fake and so am I. I've neglected the things I should have valued most. I valued this sh*t. I take off my wedding ring to call Pam. Kelly, that's Pam. Don't blame her. I never told her I was married. And if I did she, she would have told me to go home. Kelly, looking at you now, I'm ashamed of myself. Allright? I mean, work so hard on this image, on Stu Shepherd, the a**hole who refers to himself in the third person that I only proved I should be alone. I have just been dressing up as something I'm not for so long, I'm so afraid no one will like what's underneath. But here I am, just flesh and blood and weakness, and uh and I love you so f***ing much. And, um, I take off this ring because it only reminds me of how I've failed you, and I don't, don't want to give you up. I want to make things better, but it may not be my choice anymore. You deserve better.

The Caller:
You'd shoot me if you had the chance, wouldn't you?

Stu:
With a big f***ing smile on my face.

The Caller:
There's the spirit.

The Caller:
If this is true Stuart, then I have to take somebody with me don't I? And since Kelly is the most important thing in your life, I'll take her.

Stu:
No, take me! Take me! I'm the one you want!

Stu:
The first step to being noticed is being mentioned.

Stu:
My two-thousand dollar watch is a fake, and so am I.

Stu:
You can see me right now?

The Caller:
Uh-huh.

Stu:
What am I doing?

The Caller:
You're scratching your ear. Now you're brushing your hair back.

The Caller:
That isn't very nice, Stu.

Stu:
Did you call me Stu? Who's Stu? I don't know any Stu.

The Caller:
Why, do you prefer Stuart?

Stu:
I never did anything for someone who couldn't do something for me.

The Caller:
And I wanted to f*** her.

Stu:
And I wanted to sleep with her.

The Caller:
No, and I wanted to f*** her. Say it. SAY IT!

Stu:
And I wanted to f*** her. I'm sorry.

Kelly Shepard:
Whatever you did, I don't care.

Kelly Shepard:
Please just... come out of the booth, OK?

Stu:
That's all I did. That's all I did, I'm sorry.

Stu:
Alright, I've done what you asked. That's it. I've had enough of this game.

The Caller:
I haven't.

Stu:
You said you'd let us go.

The Caller:
I changed my mind.

Stu:
You miserable f***! You can't do this... you can't do this to me. I took all your sh*t... I did everything you f***ing asked.

Stu:
Alright, you lied to me. I've had enough of this game. I've f***ing had enough. You go f*** yourself. Later.

The Caller:
Now doesn't that just torque your jaws? I love that. You know like in the movies just as the good guy is about to kill the bad guy, he c*cks his gun. Now why didn't he have it cocked? Because that sound is scary. It's cool, isn't it?

The Caller:
This is exciting. You get to choose between them. Kelly. Pam. BAM BAM!

The Caller:
Wait till it goes national. ABC, CBS, CNN, UPN, you're gonna have the whole alphabet.

Stu:
GET HER OUTTA HERE!

The Caller:
Stu, don't do this. Please, come on. My sainted mother used to do this. She used to dish this out... Stu, please don't this. Stu, you're bringing back my unhappy childhood. Stu, talk to me, please! Talk to me! I can't take it Stu... Ahh!

The Caller:
I'm kidding. I had a very happy childhood.

The Caller:
Well, there is someone I'd like you to call.

Stu:
Name it.

The Caller:
Try the number you dialed when you first got into the booth.

Stu:
I don't know what you're talking about pal.

The Caller:
No? Lucky you then, because I wrote it down. I can see every number you pressed. Let's see if Pam is still at work.

Stu:
No!

The Caller:
Then I guess I'll have to do it.

Stu:
Look don't!

The Caller:
Too late. It's already ringing. I'll put her on speaker so you can hear.

Stu:
Yer f***ing kiddin'!

The Caller:
Stu, I never kid.

Stu:
So you'd just whack me for no particular reason?

The Caller:
Oh, I've got plenty of reasons. And you keep giving me more.

Stu:
I've been something I'm not for so long, and I'm scared you won't like what's underneath. But here I am, just flesh, blood, and weakness...

The Caller:
If only you had dealt with the man decently, this might not have been necessary.

Stu:
I offered him money. I offered him my watch.

The Caller:
But not your respect, which is what he really wanted. You were dismissive just as you were to the nice pizza guy. You are guilty of inhumanity to your fellow man.

Stu:
You shoot a gun here there'll be pandemonium, cops will be swarming all over the block

The Caller:
Think so? Let's see. One...

The Caller:
Two. That won't help you. Three!

The Caller:
Oh Stu, look at everybody... Look at all the people yelling, Stu, here come the cops, sniper on the roof. Gunfire. Hit the deck.

Pamela McFadden:
Hi, who's this?

The Caller:
It's a good friend of Stu's. And he hasn't got many.

Pamela McFadden:
You know Stu?

The Caller:
I know he lies.

Stu:
Where? Where are you?

The Caller:
There are hundred of windows out there. Why don't you check them out?

The Caller:
What they don't know, we do to them in our minds isn't that right?

Stu:
You sick f***!

The Caller:
Perfect violation.

Stu:
I already told you this is a private conversation. Now, what the f*** do you want?

Capt. Ramey:
I just want you to know, that it's safe outside the booth.

The Caller:
No, it's not.

Stu:
Always get out of the booth. I like in the f***ing booth. It's my whole world now, this is my booth and I'm not coming out ever. You hear me? Never.

The Caller:
Get this man a seat on Oprah!

Stu:
You shoot the guy, and I'm responsible?

The Caller:
It looked that way from up here.

Stu:
I don't know what I did to you, but whatever it was I'm glad. Alright, I wish it had been worse, I wish you had f***ing died.

The Caller:
Yes! Finally some honesty.

Capt. Ramey:
Who's your lawyer?

Kelly Shepard:
We don't have a lawyer.

Capt. Ramey:
He specifically asked that his attorney be brought down here to negotiate his surrender.

Kelly Shepard:
Well, we never needed one.

Capt. Ramey:
Well, you need a good one now.

Pamela McFadden:
Look, I may be from Montana, but we have men there also.

Sergeant Cole:
Captain, what the f*** is up with the phone calls, man?