Pistols 'n' Petticoats

Grandpa Hanks:
I've been putting two and two together, and I've come up with a *very* interesting *four*!

Sheriff Harold Sikes:
Is that *you*, sweetheart?

Grandpa Hanks:
No, it's *me*, baby-doll!

Grandpa Andrew Hanks:
What in blazes is a finger bowl? I ain't plannin' to eat no fingers!

Rafe Blanton:
You forgot somethin' - our hardware! You never can tell when you may have to kill a snake...

[looks at Sheriff Sikes]

Rafe Blanton:
...or some other varmint.

Lucy Hanks:
Harold, I heard that the Blanton brothers are not to be trifled with.

Sheriff Harold Sikes:
Lucy, I don't aim to trifle. I can back up my words with bullets, if necessary.

Grandpa Andrew Hanks:
How are things in the undertakers' business?

Clarence O'Day:
Quiet. You meet a lot of people, but there's no one to talk to.

Ike Blanton:
I'll do the thinkin' and the talkin'; you do the settin' and the listenin'.

[Grandpa unsuccessfully attempts to teach Sheriff Sikes to shoot his pistol accurately]

Grandpa Andrew Hanks:
Those are the safest bottles in the county. Don't poke at it, boy, aim it!

[first lines]

[when Grandpa falls asleep, his whiskered face rubs against a fellow stagecoach passenger's jacket]

Grandma Effie Hanks:
Andrew, dear, if the gentleman wanted his coat dusted he could have found a better brush to do it with.

[Sir Richard kisses Grandma's hand]

Grandma Effie Hanks:
Nice. Feels like when you put your hand in a basket of puppies and they cold-nose ya.

Sir Richard Trewellyn:
I say, what sort of procedure is this?

Grandma Effie Hanks:
This is one of the things we have out west, Sir Richard. These two are robbers and what they do is take things from people because they're too lazy to work.

[Lucy screams when an arrow strikes her porch]

Lucy Hanks:
It's an Indian attack!

Henrietta Hanks:
Tain't likely. It ain't the right time of the moon.

[Grandma removes a message from the arrow]

Grandma Effie Hanks:
Bald Eagle got himself a job with the post office.