Press Gang

Colin:
Maybe I should just mention my extra-specially-close friends get a preferential loan rate *and* badges. I do have vacancies in my peer group...

[Julie wants Spike to go undercover on a date for an exclusive interview]

Julie:
...He'd be, well, seducing her.

Spike:
Yeah, but I'd only be doing it so I could nail her... I mean pin her down... Look, this could be a big story for us; All Julie's suggesting is, if I can get this woman relaxed by candlelight, maybe, just maybe, I could loosen her tongue.

[Lynda slaps Spike]

[repeated line]

Lynda:
Damn.

Sarah:
Magazine.

[Entering a room]

Spike:
Girls please, tongues in.

Kenny:
Do you really want to hear about a mad old lady who keeps thirty-two cats?

Lynda:
That's not so mad.

Kenny:
Oh yeah? She says she's saving them up for a coat.

Lynda:
Sick.

Kenny:
She's got names for them, too: Sleeve, Pocket, Collar...

Kenny:
People say I'm too reasonable to have opinions, but I don't know about that.

Lynda:
Has anyone ever told you you've got a wonderful vocabulary?

Spike:
I always knew that, I just could never put it into words.

Lynda:
Why do you assume I'm completely incapable of understanding anything technical?

Kenny:
I find it saves time.

Angelo:
You look very cute in that outfit.

Lynda:
Thank you. That's the first time you've noticed I'm dressed.

Lynda:
Okay, it's like this. There's a tribe living down by a river, and in the river there are crocodiles. The tribe has one particular piece of wisdom passed down through the generations. It goes like this: if you happen to meet a crocodile, don't stick your head in its mouth. Every now and then, and who knows the reason, people ignore this advice, which is sad, because they die. But very stupid because they were warned. They had a choice. The moral of this story is this: You can't afford to be stupid. There are crocodiles.

Angelo:
So why not you and me then?

Lynda:
Let me be totally clear: you sweat, you make sucking noises when you breathe, and your body odor is even now rotting my nasal lining.

Angelo:
See how you excite me?

Lynda:
Die!

Angelo:
So if you don't like me, how come we're flirting?

Colin:
I'm not following this am I?

Frazz:
Of course you are, just a long long way behind.

Frazz:
Sex and violence; I love children's television.

Frazz:
Would you forget a date with Colin?

Julie:
I'd try.

Julie:
Don't take this wrong, but you behave like a real jerk.

Colin:
There's a right way to take that?

Julie:
Why don't you just tell Spike you give in?

Lynda:
Because I'd rather die than let Spike win anything ever.

Julie:
Why?

Lynda:
You know what he's like, he's so competitive.

Julie:
You're late.

Lynda:
You're fired. I win.

Kenny:
If I get killed doing this you're gonna feel really guilty.

Lynda:
Why would I? You wont be around to tell me to.

Kenny:
Oh well I'm sorry if my problems are not providing enough entertainment for you!

Lynda:
Oh don't be like that Kenny, they usually do.

Lynda:
Dear diary, it's that cute American again, and he's searching my desk. Does this mean he fancies me? It's so difficult to know what to say in these situations. One wants to be firm with him, but just a little seductive. Find out what the hell he's doing, but maybe encourage him a little. I need style, authority, and sex appeal. [spoken] Something of interest in my drawers?

Lynda:
I have never sunk so low. Take me now Lord, death would be promotion.

Lynda:
I'm not being unreasonable, I'm keeping my cool. All I want is simply for this person to be removed from the studio and shot dead.

Lynda:
Julie, about your taste in men...

Julie:
Yeah?

Lynda:
Get some.

Lynda:
Spike, I'm hurt you think I spend the whole time lying to you.

Spike:
When it suits you.

Lynda:
Right, and only when.

Lynda:
This is life. No guaranteed happy endings.

Lynda:
Why do I get everything in my whole stupid life wrong?

Lynda:
You and me Spike, we're held together by a force even stronger than true love.

Spike:
Which is?

Lynda:
We both want the last word.

Spike:
Yeah, well I don't have to answer to that.

Lynda:
See what I mean?

Spike:
Do you know what that woman has done to me?

Frazz:
Dated you, dumped you, broken your heart, sent you packing back to America, given you a serious complex about all love of women because you know deep down you're still crazy about her and always will be.

Spike:
Lucky guess.

Spike:
I guess you're looking for the b*tch editor from hell, right?

Kenny:
I never call her that, she likes it.

Spike:
Some guy you're nuts about stood you up, right?

Sarah:
How did you know?

Spike:
Well it is Saturday.

Spike:
Why do I stick with that woman?

Julie:
Because you're completely obsessively madly in love with her.

Spike:
Oh there's gotta be more to it than that.

Spike:
You've been sleeping here again?

Lynda:
No, I just thought this would be a great look.

Kenny:
I want to talk to you about how you're spending your money.

Sam:
I told you. I gave you that submission thingy.

Kenny:
Oh yeah. Let's take look, shall we? Graphics Department spending preposals: a HB pencil and a sunbed.

Sam:
I can explain the pencil.

Danny:
Was I asleep?

Kenny:
No, you just dreamt it.

Spike:
I like your dress.

Lynda:
What about the jacket?

Spike:
I like the dress.

Lynda:
You think the jacket goes?

Spike:
I hope it does.

Spike:
Lynda, I still need help with this form.

Lynda:
Look you can read can't you?

Spike:
Until my finger gets sore.

Lynda:
And you can write.

Spike:
Right, I can do that backwards, but I'm getting help for that.

Lynda:
Spike this is getting boring. Is there anything you don't joke about?

Spike:
Sure.

Lynda:
What?

Spike:
Nothing. [pauses] I was joking. Fun isn't it?

Lynda:
I've had more fun with a pencil stuck in my eye.

Spike:
You think we're becoming friends here? I think I feel a spark.

Lynda:
Spike.

Spike:
So how long before we start going out with each other?

Lynda:
What?

Spike:
Because I want to know something straight.

Lynda:
About what?

Spike:
When I dump you - you want a letter, or should I just stop phoning?

Tiddler:
Fridge!

Kenny:
Tiddler, why do you keep saying fridge?

Tiddler:
My mum says I'm not to use bad words, so I say fridge whenever I mean to say... fridge.

Kenny:
You just said "fridge" both times there.

Tiddler:
And you thought you'd catch me out.

Spike:
You couldn't get a date if you were paying for one.

Lynda:
Of course I could. We've got loads in petty cash.

Colin:
Can we talk Spike - man to man?

Spike:
[looks at Colin in disgust] Man to what?

Colin:
Ruby Grogan, Spike. Just stay away from her.

Spike:
Don't tell me, you've fallen in love again, and you haven't gotten around to telling the lady yet. Ethel Stuttgart two right?

Colin:
I'm warning you Spike, just stay away from her.

Spike:
I'm trying to! And what are you going to do if I don't?

Colin:
Spike, I don't want to get violent.

Spike:
[pushes Colin] Violent?

Colin:
Well, rude.

Spike:
[pushes Colin again] Rude?

Colin:
Well a bit off hand certainly. [Spike grabs Colin by his shirt] Well more kind of reserved, you know, distantly. A kind of polite.

Spike:
So if I don't stay away from Ruby, you're gonna get polite with me?

Colin:
Yeah! [Spike lets go] And that's just for starters!

Lynda:
You're sulking, Kenny.

Kenny:
Lynda, I am not sulking.

Lynda:
Is it because I rejected your computing article?

Kenny:
I didn't know you rejected it...?

Lynda:
You thought it got torn in half by accident?

Kenny:
Oh, breaking it to me gently were you? No, it's not because you rejected my compting article.

Lynda:
Is it what I said about your mother?

Kenny:
What did you say about my mother?

Lynda:
Oh nothing. C'mon Kenny, what is it?

Kenny:
Well if you have to know, it is something you said.

Lynda:
What?

Kenny:
Lynda I do not like "everybody."

Lynda:
Kenny that was just something I said in the heat of the moment. Don't take it to heart.

Kenny:
I'm sick of people thinking I'm just this reasonable, decent, likeable guy.

Lynda:
Oh nobody thinks that.

Kenny:
There are lots of people I don't like.

Lynda:
Yeah?

Kenny:
Well of course.

Lynda:
Name one.

Kenny:
What?

Lynda:
I'm curious. Name one person you really hate. Who's top of your personal hit list?

Kenny:
Well I wouldn't like to single out who I hate the most.

Lynda:
Why not?

Kenny:
Well it wouldn't be fair on them.

Lynda:
You really do like everyone, don't you?

Kenny:
Oh, I don't like Mr. Cavendish the maths teacher.

Lynda:
Well nobody likes him, he's a half-dead, senile, old psychopath!

Kenny:
Oh Lynda, he's not that bad.

Lynda:
You've just entered a room without a string of gags about how pretty you are. Want to talk about it?

Spike:
It's a sad story boss, my ego got so big that it left me.

Lynda:
Ruby Grogan?

Ruby:
Yes?

Lynda:
Sorry, but Spike won't be coming in today.

Ruby:
Oh?

Lynda:
He's a bit off color. Well, parts of him. It's his rash again.

Ruby:
His what?

Lynda:
It's horribly inflamed.

Ruby:
Inflamed?

Lynda:
Horribly, yes. Well you know how it is when his sores start up.

Ruby:
Well, should I go and see him?

Lynda:
What, actually look at him you mean? Oh no, I wouldn't advise that. Anyway, it's contagious.

Ruby:
It is?

Lynda:
Very. You haven't been touching anything of his have you?

Ruby:
Well I sat in his chair...

Lynda:
You'll be alright, I know you will.

[Pushes Ruby out the door of the newsroom, then knocks on the bathroom door. Spike comes out]

Spike:
You told her I was busy?

Lynda:
Yes.

Spike:
Thanks.

Colin:
...and I mean that, Kenny. From-the-Heart City. Total Sincerityville. You're gonna be big. And I mean that. Right from the heart.

[Pats his chest]

Kenny:
The other side.

Colin:
What?

Kenny:
Your heart's on the other side.

Colin:
Oh right! That's what you get for practicing in the mirror.

Lynda:
Don't you think you've got something to say to me?

Spike:
Suddenly, she stood before him. Their eyes met. Especially hers. Y'know, you really ought to do something about that squint.

Lynda:
I don't have a squint!

Spike:
Oh no! Must be me!

Kenny:
Here we go!

Tiddler:
Yep

Lynda:
So what made you come in tonight? Don't tell me you were frightened of little old me?

Spike:
You know, if you did have a squint, it might actually improve your appearance.

Lynda:
If I had a squint, it would certainly improve yours.

Spike:
Oh, were you being funny there? I've heard rumours about you doing this.

Lynda:
I've a sense of humour, same as anyone!

Spike:
Yeah, you told me once, but I thought you were joking!

Lynda:
That's probably because I always laugh when I look at you!

Spike:
Ha! You laugh? We'd have to use electrodes!

Lynda:
Yeah, on you!

Kenny:
Look, can we just stop this, please?

Spike:
Tell her, she's the one that needs relaxing!

Lynda:
I'm perfectly relaxed!

Spike:
You're so uptight, your feet don't reach the ground! [Lynda looks down] Made you look!

Spike:
I mean, what's life if you can't look yourself in the eye and say, "Hey! I used to have two of those!"

Colin Matthews:
I love the dictionary, Kenny. It's the only book with the words in the right order.

Lynda Day:
One thing I've always wondered about you Graham. When you wake up in the morning, how do you tell?

Tiddler:
Colin, what does a rabbit mean to you?

Colin Matthews:
A four pack of lucky feet.

Colin:
Preservation of animals? You mean like in the freezer?

Lynda Day:
Is that a joke about my height?

Spike Thomson:
I wouldn't stoop so low.

Lynda Day:
Can we please just stop this? Can we for once act like two normal people?

Spike Thomson:
Hey, I can act like two normal people if you can.

Lynda Day:
You just don't understand the concept of building a career do you Thomson?

Spike Thomson:
Hey, I made a career out of it.

Kenny Phillips:
In fact, I am so sweet and loveable, cuddly toys just sneer at me.

Spike Thomson:
I looked in the mirror this morning, I was looking so great, it just gave up.

Spike Thomson:
She thinks we're stupid. I mean she just assumes we're stupid. How does she know that we're stupid?

Frazz Davis:
Maybe somebody told her.

Tiddler:
How was Warner Edison?

Colin:
Dead.

Kenny:
What?

Colin:
He had a heart attack last Wednesday, two hours after he phoned me to come round. It was his funeral this afternoon, and they were having a sort of a gathering at his house. Do you know what I really wish?

Tiddler:
What?

Colin:
I wish that I hadn't pushed past the guy that opened the door, rushed into the house and shouted "Hi Warner, I'm a bunny-gram!". Do you have any idea what it's like to have every single rich and powerful person in town dressed in black and staring at you, while you're wearing a giant pink rabbit costume to a funeral? Excuse me, I'm just going into the toilet to whimper for a while.

[repeated line]

Kenny:
Final paste-up, half an hour.

Lynda Day:
[Colin needs to get a picture for the paper before the deadline] Mission accomplished?

Colin Mathews:
Mission impossible.

[Knocking on a door]

Kenny:
Remember we used to do this and run away?

Lynda:
I ran away. You stayed and apologized.

Lynda Day:
Are you telling me, Colin, that you have spent Gazette money on a hundred thousand defective half ping pong balls?

Colin Mathews:
It's a bargain.

Spike Thomson:
[about Mary] I'd never actually spoken to her at school. I'd seen her, I knew who she was, but I never actually spoke to her. It's strange, I'm talking about a girl I've never even really met, [holding back tears], but I feel like I've known her...

Lynda Day:
For years, right? [Spike is silent]

Lynda Day:
Forever?

Spike Thomson:
[breathing heavily] For the rest of my life.

Spike Thomson:
[to Mary] You sure you're okay?

Mary Brien:
I'm okay, so long as you're talking. How long can you keep talking, Spike?

Spike Thomson:
Hey, you're talking to an expert talker here. The question is how long can you keep listening?

Mary Brien:
The rest of my life.

Spike Thomson:
[to the firefighters, about Mary] It's a pity you're late guys. You just missed one hell of a nice girl.

Spike Thomson:
[theorising as to what caused the explosion in the record shop] My guess is, it was a gas leak. I was saying to this guy just before I could smell gas and he couldn't. I said it must be time for me to change my underwear. [Mary laughs] See, you find that funny! He didn't get it! I had to spend about an hour explaining it to him! I've still got the diagram somewhere. Are you okay in there?

Mary Brien:
I'm fine. Keep talking.

Spike Thomson:
Anyway, the next thing I'm at the counter buying a tape for a friend. That old shopkeeper, the guy with the moustache, he's just ringing up on the till and I'm just realising that I don't have any money on me. Then, the shop blows up, and I remember thinking what a lucky break!

Mary Brien:
At least you're keeping your sense of humour.

Spike Thomson:
It's the last thing to go. I'm told I joke when I'm nervous.

Mary Brien:
Who told you that?

Spike Thomson:
Someone. Okay, a girl. Okay, a girl I go out with. Do you have to ask so many questions?

Mary Brien:
Tell me about her. Keep talking.

Spike Thomson:
Well...well, she's kind of...what can I say? Well, she's got a temper as short as her skirt, but great legs, though. I'm not always sure where her head's at. Then again, I'm not always sure where my head's at. We're great together, though, we just don't have heads!

Mary Brien:
Sounds interesting.

Spike Thomson:
We got this kind of, thing together, you know? I'm not sure what kind of thing it is, it's just a thing thing. It's all still a secret, anyway. I'm swearing you to secrecy, you understand that, don't you?

Mary Brien:
What's her name?

Spike Thomson:
Er, you're gonna have to speak up, you're fading on me there.

Mary Brien:
[more clearly] What's her name?

Spike Thomson:
Okay, I'll tell you, but, this is secret information. Okay? Her name's Lynda. Lynda Day.

Mary Brien:
Talk to me, Spike. It gets very lonely when you're quiet.

[first lines]

Lynda Day:
Okay, it's like this. There's a tribe living by a river, and in the river there are crocodiles. The tribe has one particular piece of wisdom passed down through the generations. It goes like this: if you happen to meet a crocodile, don't stick your head in its mouth. Every now and then - and who knows the reason - people ignore this advice. Which is sad. Because they die. But very stupid because they were warned. They had a choice. The moral of the story is this: you can't afford to be stupid. There are crocodiles.

Julie Craig:
You're late.

Lynda Day:
You're fired. I win!

Colonel X:
America is a fine young country, Spike, with a great deal of potential.

Spike:
Thank you.

Lynda:
Maybe I'm finally learning that being smart and being right isn't a license to treat people like dirt.

Spike:
Lynda, you're talking all kind of sane, and nice!

Colonel X:
Nobody move! I am Colonel X.

Spike:
Oh! Now I get it, this is a dream.

Kenny Phillips:
[withdrawing a laughing doll from the phone's mouthpiece, looking irritated] Lynda says bye.

Spike Thomson:
[to Lynda] Don't tell me, it's someone you beat at Scrabble when you were seven!

[last lines]

Spike Thomson:
[to Lynda] You know, when you're feeling that you might be checking out on a permanent basis, and talking to someone who's doing just that...certain things become a lot clearer to you, you know, like, what you're gonna miss when you're gone, what you really care about. Look, what it comes down to is this. I love you, Lynda. I mean I really love you. You know, it's the whole deal, the works, forever, everything, right? And that kind of brings me around to a rather obvious question...and, so, because I'm trying to get through this quickly, couldn't you give me a speedy reply?

Lynda Day:
[looking upset] I care about you, a lot.

Spike Thomson:
[almost pleading] I love you, Lynda.

Lynda Day:
[on the verge of tears] You're very, very important to me.

Spike Thomson:
I love you.

Lynda Day:
[shaking her head] I'm sorry.

Spike Thomson:
[shortly] Yeah, so I figured. [Spike gets up and Lynda sheds a silent tear]

Spike Thomson:
Well, what do you know boss? We're Yesterday's News!