Princess Bride

The Grandson:
A book?

Grandpa:
That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today I'm gonna read it to you.

The Grandson:
Has it got any sports in it?

Grandpa:
Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...

The Grandson:
Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try to stay awake.

Grandpa:
Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.

Inigo Montoya:
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die. Now, offer me money.

Count Rugen:
Yes.

Inigo Montoya:
Power too. Promise me that.

Count Rugen:
All that I have and more. Please...

Inigo Montoya:
Offer me everything I ask for.

Count Rugen:
Any thing you want.

Inigo Montoya:
I want my father back, you son of b*tch.

Westley:
Hear this now: I will always come for you.

Buttercup:
But how can you be sure?

Westley:
This is true love - you think this happens every day?

Westley:
I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?

Buttercup:
Well... you were dead.

Westley:
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.

Buttercup:
I will never doubt again.

Westley:
There will never be a need.

Miracle Max:
You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

The King:
What was that for?

Buttercup:
Because you have always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

The King:
Won't that be nice. She kissed me.

Westley:
We are men of action, lies do not become us.

Vizzini:
A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?

Buttercup:
There is nothing nearby... Not for miles.

Vizzini:
Then there will be no one to hear you scream.

Fezzik:
You never said anything about killing anyone.

Vizzini:
I've hired you to help me start a war. It's an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.

Fezzik:
I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.

Vizzini:
Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass.

Inigo Montoya:
I agree with Fezzik.

Vizzini:
Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her. And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy Brandy!

Vizzini:
And you: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland!

Inigo Montoya:
That Vizzini, he can *fuss*.

Fezzik:
Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*.

Inigo Montoya:
Probably he means no *harm*.

Fezzik:
He's really very short on *charm*.

Inigo Montoya:
You have a great gift for rhyme.

Fezzik:
Yes, yes, some of the time.

Vizzini:
Enough of that.

Inigo Montoya:
Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?

Fezzik:
If there are, we all be dead.

Vizzini:
No more rhymes now, I mean it.

Fezzik:
Anybody want a peanut?

Vizzini:
DYEEAAHHHHHH.

Inigo Montoya:
You are sure nobody's follow' us?

Vizzini:
As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. - Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Inigo Montoya:
No reason. It's only... I just happened to look behind us and something is there.

Vizzini:
What? Probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise, at night... in... eel-infested waters...

Vizzini:
INCONCEIVABLE.

Inigo Montoya:
He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using.

Vizzini:
HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE.

Inigo Montoya:
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Inigo Montoya:
I donna suppose you could espeed things up?

Westley:
If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do.

Inigo Montoya:
I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only only waiting around to kill you.

Westley:
That does put a damper on our relationship.

Inigo Montoya:
I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

Westley:
Do you always begin conversations this way?

Inigo Montoya:
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.

Westley:
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.

Inigo Montoya:
You are wonderful.

Man in Black:
Thank you; I've worked hard to become so.

Inigo Montoya:
I admit it, you are better than I am.

Man in Black:
Then why are you smiling?

Inigo Montoya:
Because I know something you don't know.

Man in Black:
And what is that?

Inigo Montoya:
I... am not left-handed.

Man in Black:
You are amazing.

Inigo Montoya:
I ought to be, after 20 years.

Man in Black:
Oh, there's something I ought to tell you.

Inigo Montoya:
Tell me.

Man in Black:
I'm not left-handed either.

Inigo Montoya:
Who are you?

Westley:
No one of consequence.

Inigo Montoya:
I must know...

Westley:
Get used to disappointment.

Inigo Montoya:
'kay.

Vizzini:
I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.

Westley:
You're that smart?

Vizzini:
Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Westley:
Yes.

Vizzini:
Morons.

Vizzini:
Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Vizzini:
You only think I guessed wrong - that's what's so funny. I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha-ha, you fool. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line.". Hahahahahah.

Buttercup:
You mock my pain.

Westley:
Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Buttercup:
We'll never survive.

Westley:
Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.

Buttercup:
We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.

Westley:
No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurt - no problem. There's a popping sound preceding each; we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

Buttercup:
Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?

Westley:
Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

Prince Humperdinck:
Surrender.

Westley:
You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

Buttercup:
You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.

Prince Humperdinck:
Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.

Count Rugen:
Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.

Count Rugen:
As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. And really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so... be honest. How do you feel?

Inigo Montoya:
Do you hear that Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the six-fingered man killed my father. The Man in Black makes it now.

Inigo Montoya:
Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?

Miracle Max:
The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed.

Miracle Max:
Get back, witch.

Valerie:
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. And after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that any more.

Miracle Max:
Have fun stormin' da castle.

Valerie:
Think it'll work?

Miracle Max:
It would take a miracle.

Westley:
Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where is Buttercup?

Inigo Montoya:
Let me 'splain.

Inigo Montoya:
No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marry' Humperdinck in a little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape... after I kill Count Rugen.

Westley:
That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.

Fezzik:
You just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.

Westley:
I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?

Inigo Montoya:
There is but one working castle gate, and... and it is guarded by 60 men.

Westley:
And our assets?

Inigo Montoya:
Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.

Westley:
I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.

Inigo Montoya:
Where we did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?

Fezzik:
Over the albino, I think.

Westley:
Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?

Westley:
Give us the gate key.

Yellin:
I have no gate key.

Inigo Montoya:
Fezzik, tear his arms off.

Yellin:
Oh, you mean *this* gate key.

Inigo Montoya:
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Inigo Montoya:
My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword. My father took the job. He slaved a year before it was done.

Man in Black:
I've never seen its equal.

Inigo Montoya:
The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one tenth his promised price, my father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father. So naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. The six-fingered man left me alive, but he gave me these.

Man in Black:
How old were you?

Inigo Montoya:
I was eleven years old. And when I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Westley:
There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.

The Grandson:
Grandpa, maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.

Grandpa:
As you wish.

Miracle Max:
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is lean and the tomato is ripe

Miracle Max:
they're so perky, I love that.

Miracle Max:
Go away or I'll call the Brute Squad.

Fezzik:
I'm on the Brute Squad.

Miracle Max:
You *are* the Brute Squad?

Inigo Montoya:
You know Fezzik, you finally did something right.

Fezzik:
Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Vizzini:
Finish him. Finish him, your way.

Fezzik:
Oh good, my way. Thank you Vizzini... which one's my way?

Vizzini:
Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, in a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend, the minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.

Fezzik:
My way's not very sportsman-like.

The Ancient Booer:
Boo. Boo. Boo.

Buttercup:
Why do you do this?

The Ancient Booer:
Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up.

Buttercup:
But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.

The Ancient Booer:
Your true love lives. And you marry another. True Love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Prince Humperdinck:
First things first, to the death.

Westley:
No. To the pain.

Prince Humperdinck:
I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.

Westley:
I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.

Prince Humperdinck:
That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.

Westley:
It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.

Prince Humperdinck:
And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley:
I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.

Prince Humperdinck:
And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it.

Westley:
WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

Prince Humperdinck:
I think your bluffing.

Westley:
It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.

Westley:
DROP... YOUR... SWORD!

Westley:
Can you move at all?

Buttercup:
You're alive. If you want I could fly.

Prince Humperdinck:
She is alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her I shall be very put out.

Westley:
No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley.

Inigo Montoya:
But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.

Man in Black:
That's VERY comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

Inigo Montoya:
I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.

Man in Black:
No good. I've known too many Spaniards.

Inigo Montoya:
Isn't there any way you trust me?

Man in Black:
Nothing comes to mind.

Inigo Montoya:
I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.

Man in Black:
Throw me the rope.

The Impressive Clergyman:
Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...

The Impressive Clergyman:
And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...

The Impressive Clergyman:
So tweasure your wuv.

Prince Humperdinck:
Skip to the end.

The Impressive Clergyman:
Have you the wing?

Prince Humperdinck:
Man and wife. Say man and wife.

The Impressive Clergyman:
Man an' wife.

Vizzini:
You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.

Buttercup:
You can die too for all I care.

Westley:
AS... YOU... WISH.

Buttercup:
Oh my sweet Westley what have I done.

Buttercup:
You're the Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it.

Westley:
With pride. What can I do for you?

Buttercup:
You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.

Westley:
Tsk, tsk. That's hardly complementary Highness. Why loose your venom on me?

Buttercup:
You killed my love.

Westley:
It's possible. I kill a lot of people.

Inigo Montoya:
I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.

Fezzik:
Why do you wear a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something like that?

Man in Black:
Oh no, it's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

The Grandson:
They're kissing again. Do we have to read the kissing parts?

Grandpa:
Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End.

Inigo Montoya:
Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Westley:
Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts.

Westley:
You've made your decision, then?

Vizzini:
Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Westley:
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini:
Wait till I get going!

Vizzini:
Where was I?

Miracle Max:
You got any money?

Inigo Montoya:
Sixty-five.

Miracle Max:
I've never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.

Inigo Montoya:
This is noble, sir. His wife is... crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

Miracle Max:
Are *you* a rotten liar.

Inigo Montoya:
I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

Miracle Max:
Your first story was better.

Count Rugen:
You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. You've been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's about the worst thing I've ever heard.

Count Rugen:
How marvelous.

Westley:
You've done nothing but study swordplay?

Inigo Montoya:
More pursuing than studying, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I'm starting to lose confidence.

Miracle Max:
He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him.

Inigo Montoya:
He's dead. He can't talk.

Miracle Max:
Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do.

Inigo Montoya:
What's that?

Miracle Max:
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Westley:
I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.

Inigo Montoya:
But this is Buttercup's true love - If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.

Miracle Max:
Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?

Inigo Montoya:
Humiliations galore!

Miracle Max:
That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.

Inigo Montoya:
Kill me quickly.

Westley:
I would sooner destroy a stained glass window than an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you follow me either...

Westley:
Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.

Count Rugen:
Kill the giant and the dark one, leave the third for questioning.

Grandpa:
And as they reached for each other...

The Grandson:
What? What?

Grandpa:
Ah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

The Grandson:
I don't mind so much.

Grandpa:
Oh, okay.

Inigo Montoya:
That's a miracle pill?

Valerie:
The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go in swimming after, for at least, what?

Fezzik:
You just shook your head... doesn't that make you happy?

Westley:
My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy?

Dread Pirate Roberts:
Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

Westley:
Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and he told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts' he said. 'My name is Ryan; I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia.'

The Mother:
Hi, honey.

The Grandson:
Hi, mom.

Grandpa:
It was ten days to the wedding. The King still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.

The Grandson:
See didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck.

Grandpa:
Yes you're very smart. Shut up.

Vizzini:
Go in! Get after her!

Inigo:
I don't swim

Fezzik:
I only dog paddle

Grandpa:
Where is that written? Life isn't fair.

"Never get involved in a land war in Asia..."