Quark

Betty:
And Ficus, bring her flowers for her dress.

Ficus:
Bring her flowers? Why, that would be a sin.

Betty:
But Ficus, flowers are so romantic.

Ficus:
To YOU they are romantic. To a Vegeton a flower is a blood brother. Why, my pinning a flower to a woman's gown would be like you strapping a lamb chop to your dress.

Ficus:
Are you saying that Princess Libido is exhibiting that condition which you animals refer to as romanic affection at initial visual perception?

Adam Quark:
Yes Ficus, love at first sight.

Ficus:
As a Vegeton I remain cool and crisp even while being crushed by walls.

Ficus, Princess Libido:
Beebeebeebeebeebee

Ficus:
Is it good for you?

Princess Libido:
I think so. Is this what you Vegetons find pleasurable?

Ficus:
It would appear so.

Princess Libido:
What do we do next?

Ficus:
We wait for the bee.

Adam Quark:
Palindrome, what's wrong?

Otto Palindrome:
Nothing much. Uh, the Head is a little disturbed. I sent a commander off in the wrong direction.

Adam Quark:
That doesn't sound terrible.

Otto Palindrome:
He's been heading in that direction for seven years.

Gene:
We'll teach those guys a lesson they'll never forget, right commander?

Adam Quark:
Sure Gene. Ficus, have you got a reading on that ship, yet?

Ficus:
It would appear they are approximately ten times bigger than we are, have six photon death rays, and a deflector shield which our weapons cannot penetrate.

Adam Quark:
Our weapons cannot penetrate?

Ficus:
Sir, we couldn't interrupt a small dinner party on that ship.

Adam Quark:
Bettys, turn the ship around.

Gene:
Commander, but you said we would teach 'em a lesson!

Adam Quark:
I think they've learned their lesson.

Gene:
No Gordon's gonna throw me in prison! Anyone who tries I'll rip his knee caps off!

[turns into Jean]

Jean:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Violence is not the answer to man's problems.

Zorgon the Malevolent:
You know what others say? They saw that I dwell too much on torture and murder. They say that I'll kill for the joy of it. They say I wipe out whole civilizations at the touch of a button.

Adam Quark:
Are they right?

Zorgon the Malevolent:
Oh, yes.

Princess Libido:
[after giving Ficus a long passionate kiss] Ficus, I just kissed you. Didn't you feel anything?

Ficus:
Yes. I felt your epidermis upon my own, a slight pressure, a rise in temperature.

Princess Libido:
Ficus, you're supposed to feel something... special.

Ficus:
Oh.

Princess Libido:
Mary me, and I'll give you the gun.

Ficus:
If that is what I must do to rescue my commander, I will make such a sacrifice.

Princess Libido:
And we will live happily ever after?

Ficus:
You will live happily ever after. I will just live.

Adam Quark:
I guess this is goodbye.

Ficus:
I guess this is goodbye.

Adam Quark:
After all these years, I... what can I say?

Ficus:
You can say anything you want to say, commander.

Adam Quark:
Ficus, I know, I mean... what do I want to say?

Ficus:
You're asking me what you want to say?

Adam Quark:
Oh, Ficus.

Ficus:
Is this a warm moment, commander?

Adam Quark:
Is this a warm moment, commander?

Ficus:
Good. You like them.

Zorgon the Malevolent:
Oh, what have I done to my poor libido?

The Head:
Commander Walker, you will be my representative at the Ambrosia Festival. I'd go myself, but Ambrosia goes straight to my head.

Adam Quark:
Can you at least give me a clue why no one has ever come back alive?

Otto Palindrome:
Oh, we don't know. No one has ever come back to tell us.

Adam Quark:
Starnote: we are now orbiting Polumbus, a planet nobody has ever returned from-it could be very crowded down there.

Gene:
Oh commander, this just isn't fair! We finally get a good suicide mission and I gotta hang up here with this little cowardly hunk of metal.

Andy the Android:
I am not offended. Cowards live longer.

Adam Quark:
Why do you say things like that? Out of the blue?

Ficus:
Blue? What blue?

Gorgon Guard I:
Is the Source dangerous?

High Gorgon:
Only if its on your side.

Adam Quark:
Nobody could do this and survive.

Otto Palindrome:
Not nobody, but you, Quark. You got one of the finest crews in the feet, don't you?

Adam Quark:
Well, they're good with garbage, but what can an emotional transmute, a homemade robot, a Betty and her clone, and a plant do against a Gorgon's doomsday ship?

Adam Quark:
I've just argued over the concept of love with a plant-and lost.

High Gorgon:
I suggest you take a closer look at my space ship.

Leader of the Spartans:
A ship? We see no ship. All I see is a large marooned planet.

High Gorgon:
That is my space ship!

Leader of the Spartans:
Just give us a few minutes to move our things out of the palace.

Andy the Android:
Commander, this is no place for a coward. Please-take-me-home.

High Gorgon:
People of Spartan, this is the High Gorgon. I command your unconditional surrender. You shall be treated with compassion, honor and patience-you have twenty seconds before I blow you out of the galaxy.

Otto Palindrome:
You're not questioning The Head, Quark?

Adam Quark:
Of course not!

Otto Palindrome:
The Head did not become The Head by luck you know.

Adam Quark:
I know that.

Otto Palindrome:
You may not realize it, but The Head always has something in mind no matter what he does. For you to question him...

Adam Quark:
I'm not questioning, I'm not questioning. No, wait, yes! I am questioning, that's exactly what I'm doing. The Head is ordering me to my death.

Otto Palindrome:
Quark, Quark! The Head has commanders pleading, begging for the chance to go on this mission.

Adam Quark:
Then why doesn't he let them go?

Otto Palindrome:
Come with me. The Head doesn't respect commanders who beg. The Head likes commanders who ask questions.

Adam Quark:
But why me?

Otto Palindrome:
That's why he likes you! You ask those questions.

Adam Quark:
Palindrome, do I have to?

Otto Palindrome:
You're beautiful Quark. Keep asking those questions!

Commander Adam Quark:
My ancestors were members of a sub-group called Americans. Archaeological diggings made in the western and southern sections of their country indicate that these so-called Americans worshipped, and perhaps were governed by, a fully clothed English speaking mouse.

Otto Palindrome:
Palindrome here sir; sorry to disturb you.

The Head:
That's alright. I was just, as usual, thinking.

Otto Palindrome:
Sir, we've got a bit of a headache down here.

The Head:
Don't tell me about headaches Palindrome.

Otto Palindrome:
No sir.

The Head:
I wrote the book on headaches!

Otto Palindrome:
I'm sorry sir, I know how you feel.

The Head:
Can you imagine a migraine the size of a super-nova?

Otto Palindrome:
Uh... no sir.

The Head:
Then you don't know how I feel!

Ficus:
There are no good or evil plants. There are only plants.

Otto Palindrome:
I'm sorry to bother you, sir, were you thinking?

The Head:
What else can I do? I'm not that good at athletics.

Andy the Android:
I love you all, but if there's any trouble at Perma One, I've never seen any of you before in my life.

Gene:
Pipe down! We've got to stick to the commander.

Adam Quark:
Thank you Gene, I appreciate that.

Gene:
Yeah, at least until we get you back to Perma One for your court martial.

Adam Quark:
This is just a thought, but could it be possible that passing through that black hole in any way caused this to happen?

Ficus:
I cannot be sure for certain, but in my personal opinion I am certain that I am not sure.

Adam Quark:
What does that mean? Can't you just say yes or no?

Ficus:
Yes.

Adam Quark:
[yelling] Yes what?

Ficus:
Yes, I can say yes or no.

Otto Palindrome:
Do you know what's at stake here?

Adam Quark:
Yes! My life!

Otto Palindrome:
Something more important. My job.

Adam Quark:
You see Ficus, humans sometimes lie in order to protect feelings.

Ficus:
That's true commander, but protected feelings are false feelings.

Adam Quark:
That's true Ficus, but to humans, false feelings feel good.

Adam Quark:
When I was young and healthy Princess Carna almost killed me. What will she do to me in this condition?

Ficus:
Nothing. By the time we reach Princess Carna you'll be dead.

Andy the Android:
[over intercom] Attention! Attention! A fleet of Gorgon ships is preparing to attack. If you need me, forget it.

Adam Quark:
Ficus, did you understand anything Palindrome said?

Ficus:
I did have my back to the screen and was deeply engrossed in my calculations.

Adam Quark:
ah ha.

Ficus:
Anything I might say would be purely conjecture.

Adam Quark:
Maybe I ought to be sitting down for this.

Ficus:
You are sitting down, sir.

Adam Quark:
I know that, I'm the commander.

Ficus:
There are no good or evil plants; There are only plants.

Betty, Betty:
Oh Adam, you're fantastic!

Adam Quark:
That's the second time today someone told me that.

Otto Palindrome:
Teach you personality? Dink, that's so... you think I can teach you personality? It's just something I happen to have.

Adam Quark:
Emotionally I won't feel a thing. It's strictly a mission. And Betty, I mean that from the bottom of my heart, whatever happens between me and that princess happens for the good of the United Galaxies. Do you believe me?

Betty, Betty:
No!

Andy the Android:
Frankly, I've heard better.

Adam Quark:
Andy!

Gene:
Was a little lame, commander.

Adam Quark:
How could this happen? What's my condition, Ficus? I've got to know!

Ficus:
Sir, it would appear you are upset.

Adam Quark:
That I know! I want to know why I came out of that hatch ten years older than when I went down.

Ficus:
One explanation might be you were down there ten years.

Adam Quark:
Ficus, I was down there five hours.

Ficus:
That would rule out that theory.

Adam Quark:
Gene, it's okay. You can't catch the virus, your blood is floating into me.

Gene:
My blood is what?

Adam Quark:
Hold on, Gene, it's almost done.

Gene:
[turns into Jean] Relax, commander. Helping others is the part of space I love.

Quark:
A man can only take so much, but when he gets his hose snipped, that's where I draw the line.

Adam Quark:
A man can only take so much, but when he gets his hose snipped that's where I draw the line.

Ficus:
Vanessa, when a tree falls in a forest and no one hears or sees it fall, did the tree in fact fall?