Queer Duck: The Movie

Queer Duck:
Well, if you're mixing drinks, I'd like a slow comfortable screw up against the wall of a bus station in Passaic, New Jersey.

Queer Duck:
It's just rum.

Queer Duck:
[in a dream sequence about when they're old and still together] Openly Gator. Where the hell is my dinner?

Openly Gator:
Oh, here!

Queer Duck:
[screams when he sees a dead rat on the plate] Why do we keep ordering from that Thai place?

Queer Duck:
We have an awful future ahead of us.

Openly Gator:
What are you saying? Have you met someone else?

Queer Duck:
No! No, no, no, no, no!

Lola Buzzard:
[suddenly grabs him and pulls his head to her chest] Darling!

Queer Duck:
Well, kind of.

Queer Duck:
[tied to a beam] You know, for a heterosexual, you tie really good knots.

Reverend Vandergelding:
[flattered] aww, you!

Reverend Vandergelding:
[after forcing Queer Duck to drink a potion that will turn him straight] Could it be? What do you think of Cameron Diaz?

Queer Duck:
[in a masculine voice] She's hot.

Reverend Vandergelding:
Camryn Manheim?

Queer Duck:
She's hot.

Reverend Vandergelding:
Sister Wendy? [shows a picture of an ugly old nun]

Queer Duck:
[scratches his chin] I'd do her.

Reverend Vandergelding:
SUCCESS!

Reverend Vandergelding:
So, how did you finally tell them you were gay?

Queer Duck:
Oh, well, that's an interesting story. It all goes back to those crazy, turbulent, fabulous seventies... [music starts]

Reverend Vandergelding:
Wait a minute... [music stops] Is this going to be a musical number? I'm mean, what is it with you people and musical numbers?

Queer Duck:
Just sit back and enjoy it!

Lola Buzzard:
[after getting a Jellyfish off her] What do you think of my new look?

Queer Duck:
You look like The Joker.

Lola Buzzard:
I was going for it. Quick, say something to make me frown again.

Queer Duck:
Bush is running for a third term.

Lola Buzzard:
Christ! The country's ruined.

Openly Gator:
We need some sort of superpowers to help save Queer Duck. Do you guys have any?

Rosie O'Donnell:
I can honestly say I haven't.

Openly Gator:
Me neither.

Bi-Polar Bear:
I have one. I can crack a walnut with my butt.

[both Openly Gator and Oscar Wildcat are left speechless, so is Peccary]

Openly Gator:
You can't change who you are!

Queer Duck:
Well, sometimes I wish I could. Don't you?

Openly Gator:
No. I am a gay man, like my father and his father before him. Now get some sleep.

Queer Duck:
[while being forced to drink a potion] No, stop! Tastes like Snapple! God, I wish I had my gag reflex back!