R.I.P.D.

[from trailer]

Roy Pulsipher:
Damn. I don't know what eyes to shoot you between.

Roy Pulsipher:
One of them coyotes, he made love to my skull. You know what that practice is commonly called?

Nick:
I do... and I certainly hope he got both eyes, Roy.

Hayes:
[to Roy's Avatar] I don't usually go for Western, but... it's working for me.

Nick:
Relax body.

[Throws Roy into the path of a bus]

[repeated line]

Roy Pulsipher, Nick:
[when in apparent mortal danger] Relax body!

Roy Pulsipher:
Fun, Right?

Nick:
Don't tense up! [Throws Roy in front of a moving bus]

Proctor:
Until they pop, they look like regular people, so no one except us knows they're monsters inside. You see, if you slip through the cracks, and stay on Earth after you die, your soul rots. They rot, the world rots. Global warming, black plague, bad cell reception, get it?

[first lines]

Nick:
You think *you've* had a bad day at work? I think I got you beat.

[big fat monster guy crashes through]

Nick:
That's not me.

[Roy taking chase]

Nick:
Nope, that's my partner.

Pulaski:
Suck it!

Nick:
There I am. Three or four days ago, I didn't know this world existed. But three or four days ago, I wasn't in the Rest In Peace Department...

Proctor:
I know for a fact you can use a good recommendation on Judgement Day, okay? I think you're smelling what I'm selling.

Proctor:
A hundred-and-fifty-thousand people die every day. The system wasn't designed to handle that kind of volume.

Roy Pulsipher:
The universe, in its ultimate wisdom, will not let you reveal yourself. It's smarter than us.

Nick:
That's sick.

Roy Pulsipher:
Consider it the universe's witness protection program.

Nick:
When exactly was your day?

Roy Pulsipher:
1800s, buddy. I'm what we used to call a lawman. Marshal Roysephus Pulsiper.

Nick:
Roysephus?

Roy Pulsipher:
It was considered a very sexy name at the time.

Nick:
It sounds like an STD.

Roy Pulsipher:
[to Nick] You are just gonna have to learn to sit on your regret and pain until it turns into a dull, persistent ache. The way I do it. The way a man does it.

Business Person:
[walks up to Roy's avatar] I do music videos. Home phone number's on the back.

Roy Pulsipher:
Excuse me? I'm not a piece of meat put on this earth for your gratification, I'm a woman. Respect me or I will castrate you like a three-year-old steer.

Nick:
Whatever's waiting for you on the other side is gonna be *bad.* But don't worry, it's only forever.

Roy Pulsipher:
[prepping his guns] Just like Main Street, Dodge City. Them dudes, they picked the wrong venue to make a stand. I invented this sh*t.

Nick:
[c*cks gun in his face]

Hayes:
Well, partner?

Nick's Avatar:
I have a new partner. [fires]

[last lines]

Roy Pulsipher:
I knew you weren't happy with Grandpa Chen, so I pulled a few strings, for you some new ID.

Nick:
Thank you. Thank you, Roy. I mean that. This is great. [looks in his new wallet] Oh, you gotta be shitting me.

Roy Pulsipher:
Ah, I did what I could. Inventory is what it is.

Nick:
[looking in the wallet] You thought this was an improvement?

Nick's New Avatar:
[Gets in the car and drives off]

Nick:
What's with the Steely Dan? [Hey Nineteen - Steely Dan in the background]

Proctor:
No idea. It's always on. Seems to relax people.

Nick:
[preparing for a drug raid] Now, stand by for inspiring, motivating words from Detective Bobby Hayes.

Hayes:
How about we don't get shot today?

Nick:
I'm dead?

Proctor:
Let's be honest. Being a dirty cop is one of the higher shot-in-the-face percentage jobs.

Hayes:
They got one of these artifacts for everything!

Roy Pulsipher:
Let's learn you a few things about Old West fighting! First,

[Roy shoots, erasing a deado]

Roy Pulsipher:
Only a novice hides in a church steeple. It's the first place I'm gonna look. Second place, hotel window, every time.

[shoots again, but doesn't hit anything]

Nick:
I guess there's only one novice in their crew.

[Nick and Roy both turn and fire, erasing a deado on a building roof]

Roy Pulsipher:
Sometimes the window guy is on the roof.

Nick:
You frosty?

Roy Pulsipher:
Icy hot, partner!

Roy Pulsipher:
I guess I could have bought you flowers once or twice.

Proctor:
[giving him an amorous look] I like violets.

Hayes:
Listen, there's something I should tell you. It's something I've been hiding.

[Hayes takes out a shaker of cumin powder]

Julia:
Bobby, I think it can wait.

Hayes:
And it might seem a little weird, but I think you should try to just keep an open mind, and not judge right away, okay?

Hayes:
Hey Nick, remember when I got shot, I got that medal and you couldn't believe I pulled through?

Nick:
Wild guess. You didn't pull through?

Hayes:
What, get killed by some junkie and go to hell because I took a little on the side to pay for lap dances? No, I don't think so.

[R.I.P.D. headquarters exits out into a VCR repair shop in Boston]

Nick:
You ever think about hiding this place a little better?

Roy Pulsipher:
When was the last time you got a VCR repaired?

Nick:
[eyeing the shop clerk] Point taken.