Remington Steele

Remington Steele:
Irresponsibility isn't a sickness - it's an art.

Remington Steele:
A killer caught by a lousy television show and a rotten commercial. There's some thing poetic about that.

Remington Steele:
Atomic man is wanted for murder.

Remington Steele:
Really, I didn't realize the penalty for bad acting was that stiff in this country.

Remington Steele:
Zif climp blagh blagh blaghgh

[looks at Laura] It's for you.

[Izzy is dying]

Izzy Webster:
Toodle-loo.

Laura Holt:
Toodle-loo?

Steele:
That's what I call shuffling off with class.

Laura Holt:
What are you doing?

Remington Steele:
I'll tell you what I'm *not* doing! I'm not driving in circles trying to elude people I don't know, who want to kill a nice little nebbish, for reasons I don't even understand. I'm also not about to sit in that car while Sheldon looks at me like I'm Babe Ruth and George Washington all rolled into... [into phone] ... yes, information? I'd like the number of the Central Intelligence Agency... No, that is not a residence.

Laura Holt:
Now all we need is the third man.

Remington Steele:
Well, if it isn't Orson Welles, I can't be of any immediate help.

Kessler:
Who are you?

Remington Steele:
Just a happy go lucky tourist out to see a bit of the world.

Neff:
Is that why you've got five passports, from five different countries, in five different names?

Remington Steele:
Kept trying for a good picture.

[narration from the opening credits]

Laura Holt:
Try this for a deep, dark secret: the great detective, Remington Steele? He doesn't exist. I invented him. Follow. I always loved excitement, so I studied, and apprenticed, and put my name on an office. But absolutely nobody knocked down my door. A female private investigator seemed so... feminine. So I invented a superior. A decidedly MASCULINE superior. Suddenly there were cases around the block. It was working like a charm... until the day HE walked in, with his blue eyes and mysterious past. And before I knew it, he assumed Remington Steele's identity. Now I do the work, and he takes the bows. It's a dangerous way to live, but as long as people buy it, I can get the job done. We never mix business with pleasure. Well, almost never. I don't even know his real name!

Laura Holt:
[to Steele] I'm a Peppler, he's a Peppler, she's a Peppler, we're a Peppler, they're a Peppler, wouldn't you like to be a Peppler too?

Laura Holt:
[Steele gives her a look] Come on! Where's your sense of humor?

Remington Steele:
[referring to his colorful golf pants] I'm wearing it.

Remington Steele:
[while drunk] I rather enjoyed being a Peppler. Shame about the divorce, they were so good together, those two.

Laura Holt:
They are, aren't they?

Remington Steele:
Yes...

[while looking at a Pitkin painting]

Remington Steele:
Molly Donavan paid money for this woman's work?

Laura Holt:
For an expose.

Remington Steele:
Exposing what? Shocking lack of talent?

Laura Holt:
I didn't know you had such definite opinions about... art.

Remington Steele:
Laura, must I remind you that only a couple of years ago I was appropriating some of the finest works in Europe.

Laura Holt:
I do my best to forget that.

Remington Steele:
[to Laura] I'll admit I've been trying to lead you astray... but this is not the direction I had in mind.

[At the main entrance to the Conant Art Gallery]

Laura Holt:
Do you think you can penetrate this bastion of culture alone?

Remington Steele:
Oh of course. Laura you've changed my life. I'm actually looking forward to going through the front door.

Laura Holt:
Terry Lowell Dannon, according to the funeral home register. Ring any bells?

Frank Dannon:
Total stranger.

Remington Steele:
Widow number two, uh, Barbara Troy Dannon.

Frank Dannon:
No, I ...

Laura Holt:
Nancy Stinson Dannon. Is this doing anything for you?

Frank Dannon:
No, I ...

Remington Steele:
Stella Martino Dannon?

Frank Dannon:
She's not my TYPE.

Mildred Krebs:
Everyone appears to be your type.

Mildred Krebs:
[speaking to Frank Dannon] You're dead, mister. And as far as I'm concerned, you're gonna stay dead so no one can kill ya.

Rocky Sullivan:
[Steele is riding with Ms.Sullivan on her motorcycle. They stop at a stop light] Don't you just love it - the wind in your hair, 500 cc of throbbing power between your legs?

Remington Steele:
Yes, but quite frankly Ms. Sullivan, I prefer my hogs in the form of bacon.

Remington Steele:
Would you like to know what I think?

Laura Holt:
About the murder?

Remington Steele:
About you. You know what you are? A workaholic. That's what you are!

Laura Holt:
No? Really? Terrible vice, you oughta try it some time

Remington Steele:
It just drives you crazy that there are no mysteries to solve, no clues to, to ponder, no suspects to, ah, suspect!

Laura Holt:
Hah! Speak for yourself! I have a mystery to solve, I have clues to ponder, I have suspects to suspect!

Remington Steele:
Ho, yes indeed! Nothing frightens Laura Holt like having time on her hands or heaven forbid that she has a second to stop and think and feel, and perhaps, perhaps actually get to close to some of the people she works with!

Murphy Michaels:
[opens the door to Laura's office & pops his head in] I heard fighting so I knew Mom and Dad were home.

Remington Steele:
[Steele is dictating his memoirs] Chapter One. It was the best of times... it was the worst of times.

Stenographer:
Shouldn't that be, It was both the best and the worst of times?

Remington Steele:
[Momentarily speechless] Really? [She nods her head] Yes, you're quite right. Much more economical.

Remington Steele:
[Steele shows Laura his cup of coffee] Have you tried this?

Laura Holt:
[Frustrated] I made it, I don't have to taste it!

Remington Steele:
It's like a hot cup of The Thames!

Remington Steele:
In matters of this nature, Miss Mellish, I find it advisable for subjects to focus on the initial stages of their narrative and then to proceed accordingly.

Shirley Mellish:
[to Laura] What did he say?

Laura Holt:
He means,"start at the beginning."

Anatole Blaylock:
You are going to make a little call for me, Miss Krebs.

Anatole Blaylock:
[walking up] Congratulations, officer. You've just arrested a world-famous thief.

Diamond Cop #1:
Who are you?

Remington Steele:
[to Blaylock] What have you done with Mildred?

Diamond Cop #3:
[to Remington Steele] Against the wall!

Anatole Blaylock:
If you check that man's pockets I'm certain you'll find the Jennings diamond.

Diamond Cop #3:
[searches] They're clean, Lieutenant!

Diamond Cop #1:
[to Blaylock] Well what's this all about?

Anatole Blaylock:
He has the diamond! He *must*!

Diamond Cop #1:
This is the man you want, Lieutenant; he killed an Interpol agent! Will you listen to me?

Mildred Krebs:
[runs up, wet, and indicates Blaylock] Arrest this man!

[Blaylock growls, shoves her and Diamond Cop #1, and runs away]

Kevin Masters:
[takes his dog Dolittle and sets him loose] Tango!

[Dolittle chases after Blaylock and bites his trouser leg, tripping him. As the rest give chase, he pulls a revolver, but Steele kicks it out of his hand as he runs past]

Diamond Cop #1:
OK, take him away!

[Diamond Cops #2 and #3 do so]

Remington Steele:
Well! I guess that dog is good for something after all.

Laura Holt:
[looks at Steele's feet, smiles] Uh, Mr. Steele?

[She points down. He looks down and it's implied the dog is urinating on him again. She laughs as he pulls a stoic face]

Anatole Blaylock:
[checking is watch] They must be well into it by now.

Mildred Krebs:
What gives you the right to make another man steal for you?

Anatole Blaylock:
What gives me the right? That man destroyed my life. Do you know what it's like to have your name dragged through the mud, hmm? To have your colleagues shun you? To be the butt of newspaper reporters and their stupid little columns, eh? I was a good investigator. I deserved better.

Mildred Krebs:
But if...

Anatole Blaylock:
[on phone] Shh! Yes, Sergeant? This is Inspector Anatole Blaylock of Interpol. It might interest you to know I've uncovered a plot to steal the Jennings diamond tonight. That's right. The Gem Exchange building. Yes, I thought your department might want to share credit. I'll meet you there.

Mildred Krebs:
I thought you wanted Kevin to steal for you.

Anatole Blaylock:
Do you think money can pay for the humiliation I've suffered? No. Tonight, when I announce to the world that Blaylock the bumbler, the scapegoat, has unmasked the greatest thief of our time, caught him in the act as it were, I shall have what I've lived for these past five years: my vindication.

Mildred Krebs:
You'll never make it stick, Blaylock!

Anatole Blaylock:
Oh no?

Mildred Krebs:
Oh no! Kevin will tell the police you forced him into it!

Anatole Blaylock:
Ah. But he'll need you to back him up.

Mildred Krebs:
And you don't think I'll talk? I will sing a song that will put you aw-... On the other hand, what business is it of mine? I-I mean, I-I-I hardly know the guy! Nah, I wouldn't talk. No skin off my nose.

Anatole Blaylock:
No. Get your coat.

[knock at door]

Rose:
Millie, it's us!

Anatole Blaylock:
Don't answer it!

Rose:
I have to! That's my bowling team!

Anatole Blaylock:
Get rid of them.

Mildred Krebs:
But it...

Anatole Blaylock:
Unless you want your friends to join you.

Murphy Michaels:
Laura, we made a rule: if a client insists on dealing directly with Remington Steele, we pass.

Laura Holt:
Gordon Hunter is creating a media event - television, newspapers, People magazine for God's sake. Whoever provides security for the gems gets kissed by the same spotlight. The publicity is worth its weight in clients.

Bernice Foxe:
And you want Remington Steele to personally supervise security.

Laura Holt:
That's right.

Bernice Foxe:
Can I ask a dumb question? How is Remington Steele going to do that if he doesn't exist?

Raymond Kessler:
Who are you?

Remington Steele:
Just a happy-go-lucky tourist out to see a bit of the world.

Leo Neff:
That why you got five passports from five dif'rent countries in five dif'rent names?

Remington Steele:
I keep trying for a good picture.

Bernice Foxe:
[to "Ben Pearson"] Would you like some coffee? I'll make a fresh pot. Uh... or tea perhaps. I'll make some fresh water.

Remington Steele:
Impeccable man, your Mr. Steele. Do you know there's not a piece of lint, a speck of dandruff, a hank of hair on any of his suits? And he obviously wears a shirt once and then discards it since there's no laundry marks to be found. The same with the shoes. The soles seem never to have touched the ground. Not one single solitary scuff mark.

Laura Holt:
He's fastidious, almost to a fault.

Remington Steele:
Bald too?

Laura Holt:
Of course not.

Remington Steele:
Then he's blessed. I'm forever plucking stray hairs from my comb and brush. Positively demoralizing, but an inescapable part of the human condition. Hmm? Does any of this say anything to you Miss Holt? It does to me. It fairly shouts Remington Steele is an elaborate ruse. He does not exist. You invented him.

Remington Steele:
I'm afraid it's time to leave your lovely city.

Laura Holt:
Where will you go?

Remington Steele:
Wherever the gems travel next. San Francisco, I believe. I give you my word. I won't try to liberate the gems until they're safely out of your jurisdiction.

Laura Holt:
All things considered, you made a delightful Remington Steele.

Remington Steele:
If the press of other commitments wasn't so severe, I might relish the role on a permanent basis. [kisses her hand] After all, I'm a man who enjoys impossible challenges.

Remington Steele:
Someone's just been shooting at us!

Laura Holt:
But why?

Remington Steele:
Because we were kissing! Someone ALWAYS shoots at us when we're kissing!

Laura Holt:
Well, before giving us the results of your excavation, Mildred, there's a small administrative point we need to address. [Laura slaps Remington's feet off the desk] While it is more than apparent that Mr. Steele here is the senior member of the firm, the fact is that for the nuts and bolts operation, we're more or less, um, equals. Wouldn't you say, Mr. Steele?

Remington Steele:
One might even go so far as to say that Miss Holt is sort of in charge of such things.

Mildred Krebs:
He's the boss, but you're in charge?

Remington Steele:
Having worked for the government, Mildred I wouldn't think the concept is beyond your grasp.

Remington Steele:
We're being shot at

Laura Holt:
But why?

Remington Steele:
Because we're kissing. Someone *always* shoots at us when we're kissing!

Laura Holt:
I can take care of myself. I have for a long time now.

Remington Steele:
Yes, well that was before it made a difference to me.

Laura Holt:
And now?

Remington Steele:
Now, we're going to have some noodle soup. It comes out of those little foil packets these days. Then you're going to have the unprecedented honor of sleeping in my bed, uh, pajamas optional, while I keep company with the couch. But no matter how you slice it, you're stuck with me tonight, so I suggest you make the best of it.

Laura Holt:
[with tears building in her eyes] Tonight, if you asked me... I don't think I could say no.

Remington Steele:
Tonight, I don't think that I could ask. [sweet and tender kiss] Get some rest.We have work to do in the morning.

Remington Steele:
We're being shot at

Laura Holt:
But why?

Remington Steele:
Because we're kissing. Someone ALWAYS shoots at us when we're kissing!

Mildred Krebs:
As much as I can get on that hairbag

Remington Steele:
Where do you pick up all of these expressions Mildred?

Mildred Krebs:
Television, I guess

Remington Steele:
I thought you only watched PBS?

Mildred Krebs:
[a little later] Well how do we stop that slimeball? Alistair Cooke says that a lot.

Remington Steele:
Does he?

Laura Holt:
[Laura walks in] That hairbag, that slimeball!

Remington Steele:
You watch PBS too?

Remington Steele:
Feisty piece of baggage our Miss Holt

Mildred Krebs:
A little too feisty for my blood.

Remington Steele:
Oh she has a point to prove Mildred

Mildred Krebs:
Whats that?

Remington Steele:
That a women with intelligence, determination, and a certain amount of training can be as stupidly macho as any man.

Mildred Krebs:
It comes down to that huh? You mean we're playing clay pigeons so she can win the battle of the sexes?

Remington Steele:
Oh, the only battle worth fighting for Mildred.

Remington Steele:
Now I know how Jimmy Stewart felt in Rear Window. This thing is beginning to itch already.

Remington Steele:
Laura, do you really think that I'm the sort of man that would give a women a teddy bear?

Dancer:
Hey! I'm the guy with the gun. Will somebody pay attention to me?

Mildred Krebs:
We certainly have had our share of sickos this trip.

Laura Holt:
The scary part is they came right to our doorstep.

Remington Steele:
Yes, nothing like bringing ones work home, eh?

Wally Donovan:
You know I think what you do is fascinating Laura? And I wouldn't be one of those husbands who don't let their wives work, no sir. I'd want to help you with it!

Laura Holt:
Oh, what a generous offer Wally.

Wally Donovan:
And I wouldn't hog the spotlight like that show-off boss of yours does. I know how hard you work. I watch you every night in your loft pouring over those papers into the wee small hours. That would be another reason why we would be good together - I can't sleep at night either. [distant sirens] What's that?

Laura Holt:
Probably just Fire Engines. Your a... your a very good photographer, those are excellent pictures. Did you study photography?

Wally Donovan:
That's what they let me do when I wasn't answering all those questions.

Remington Steele:
Supposing you had children. Just supposing I mean. Would you intend to continue working? Or would you feed the little tykes breakfast in the morning and then rush off to a nice juicy murder? I'm mean would you call them up at school and apologize that you couldn't pick them up because you were being held hostage?

Laura Holt:
Are you saying that a woman's place is in the home?

Remington Steele:
Actually, I was thinking of a more specific area.

Remington Steele:
Forgive me for saying so, Mr. Kelsey, but aren't you going to a lot a trouble just to preserve a game?

Ralph Kelsey:
A game? Baseball is a lot more than just a game, Mr. Steele. It's a way of life. It's... it's America.

Laura Holt:
I don't think Mr. Steele has ever played baseball.

Ralph Kelsey:
[Kelsey leans back into his seat, dejected] Ohhh...

Remington Steele:
I may not have played, Ms. Holt, but I am a keen observer of your national past time.

Ralph Kelsey:
So, you'll take the case?

Laura Holt:
I'm sure Mr. Steele will play ball, won't you, sir?

Remington Steele:
Certainly. When do we kick off?

Ralph Kelsey:
[Steele is being introduced to the various members of the team] Doc Gridley, formerly of Muncie, now from Miami Beach.

Remington Steele:
Ah, doctor.

Doc Gridley:
Proctologist.

Remington Steele:
Ah yes, very good with the glove, I presume.

Prof. Arthur Thickett:
[Mildred, clanking a tin cup against the jail cell bars, where they are being falsely imprisoned in a small town] What are you doing?

Mildred Krebs:
I saw this once in a James Cagney movie.

Laura Holt:
[after Vinnie breaks through Laura's kitchen window] Who *are* you?

Vincent Dowd:
Vinnie Dowd. I'm in trouble and I need your help.

Remington Steele:
Wouldn't it have been easier to use the door?

Laura Holt:
Wait a minute. Vincent Dowd? The LeBlanc kidnapping?

Vincent Dowd:
Yea. Only I didn't do it. You gotta believe me.

Remington Steele:
I thought you were convicted of murder. Life imprisonment.

Vincent Dowd:
Yea, but I was framed.

Laura Holt:
By whom?

Vincent Dowd:
Me.

Laura Holt:
[Incredulously] You framed *yourself*?

Vincent Dowd:
Did a humdinger of a job, huh?

Leo Blitzman:
[upon finding a corpse] The worms will be singing tonight.

Remington Steele:
Love must truly be an enigma, Fred.

Fred:
How's that sir?

Remington Steele:
Because I can't tell if I'm winning or losing.

Remington Steele:
You know Laura, in crimes of this magnitude it's usually standard to offer a finders fee. Usually at 10% of the value and 10% of 250,000,000 dollars is...

Laura Holt:
25,000,000.

Remington Steele:
Do you realize we could be given 25,000,000 dollars as a reward for being honest?

Laura Holt:
That really astounds you. Doesn't it?

Remington Steele:
It heartens me Laura. It absolutely heartens me.

Remington Steele:
Laura do you think I'd really leave you in the lurch? Or are you just curious? Part of my mysterious past.

Laura Holt:
Well sure I'm curious. You announce you're going to take a more active interest in the agency and I wonder how many other places we can't go because some other Captain Rios is looking for you. I wonder when somebody's going to show up on the agency's doorstep looking for you to solve an old case or settle an old grievance. You're damn right I'm curious!

Remington Steele:
You know... Sometimes I find the straight and narrow very confining. Very confining.

Mildred Krebs:
You don't know what it's like for woman to desire a man. Oh, I mean to lust down to her loins, and yet, fear what that desire might unleash in her.

Remington Steele:
You, uh, speaking from personal experience?

Mildred Krebs:
Oh hell no! My ex-husband couldn't unleash the dog.

Remington Steele:
I guarantee your exoneration on all charges, Buddy, or my name isn't Remington Steele.

Laura Holt:
[Scene Change] Your name *isn't* Remington Steele.

Remington Steele:
A mere technicality.

[last lines]

Laura Holt:
[softly sings] Hennessey Tennessy tootled the flute/Oh, the music was something grand/A credit to old Ireland/Is MacNamara's band. [she hums the rest of the song as Steele slowly stares at her and smiles]

Remington Steele:
Fourteen hundred dollars between us and we don't have a quarter to make a phone call.

Laura Holt:
Read him his rights.

Bingham 'Bing' Perret:
You have the right to remain silent. [pause]

Truck Driver:
That's it?

Bingham 'Bing' Perret:
What do you want, the Magna Carta?

Laura Holt:
The man's a spoiled, overgrown brat. He should be spanked!

Remington Steele:
Easier said then done.

Remington Steele:
$1,400 between us, and we don't have a quarter to make a phone call?

Remington Steele:
You know, we have gone through this whole case... without you once coming up with a movie reference.

Laura Holt:
Well, here you go, I've got an appropriate one.

Remington Steele:
Oh?

Laura Holt:
The Lost Weekend, Ray Milland. Jane Wyman, Paramount, 1945.

Henri Lebret:
I come in the house, put down the groceries, hear something, then boom. C'est tout.

Joelle Lebret:
The same man must have been waiting for me.

Remington Steele:
And you didn't get a good look at him.

Joelle Lebret:
It was so dark. It happened so fast. He threw me against the wall. Then when I opened my eyes, the dagger was gone and so was he.

Remington Steele:
Well this is splendid! I'm deputized by the police to investigate my own burglary. My associate is going to expose me if I can't stop her. In the meantime I've got to find out who stole the dagger from us. Sorry, sorry. Well at least we can comfort ourselves in one thing, hum? It can't get any worse. Can it?

[Three gunmen burst through the door]

Remington Steele:
So... does, uh, Remington Steele return to Los Angeles with you? Or does he, uh, disappear back into the misty might again?

Laura Holt:
How can he disappear? You're not only a nationally known detective; you're an international hero.

Murphy Michaels:
You watch Spotlight News?

Bernice Foxe:
Hey, the news is very depressing these days and Russell Stewart's hot to look at. I say if you're going to get depressed, you might as well get turned on doing it.

Remington Steele:
Two people have been murdered Miss Vogleson. Why are you so consumed with Remington Steele?

Amy Colbert:
I believe him to be a fraud, a charlatan, a conman.

Remington Steele:
I knew a young man once, virtually an orphan. Shunted from relative to relative, always underfoot and unwanted. He'd been given many names as a child. Sometimes to suit the vanity of those who sheltered him, others to bilk the government with one more dependant. He never knew who he really was or where he belonged, so he set out at an early age to find something he could call his own. Something to hang onto when the nights turned bitter, the faces unfriendly. And, as he'd been taught by his elders, he acquired many names in that pursuit and many professions to go with them. He saw a great deal of the world. Most of it from the underside. Cheap lofts, draughty street corners... He's still searching Miss Vogleson. Merely from a better perch. If you can find that young man in any of your notes he'd greatly appreciate it.

Remington Steele:
Ah, before we go charging off I think you should know that Miss Vogleson is determined to unearth the truth about Remington Steele.

Laura Holt:
Oh I knew that interview cover was a mistake.

Remington Steele:
Yes, well don't worry Laura. Rather than embarrass and jeopardize you and the agency I'm prepared to do the honorable thing.

Murphy Michaels:
You're gonna leave.

Remington Steele:
I was thinking more along the lines of, uh, stealing her notes.

Radio Caller:
[Laura and Steele enter the lobby of the radio station. The broadcast can be heard over the air] Hello, Doctor, last week you referred to the use of vegetables.

Remington Steele:
[Steele looks at the large sign on the wall which reads 14-KROT] Fourteen krot?

Laura Holt:
K-R-O-T... "14 - Carat".

Remington Steele:
Uh-huh. [They listen to the radio program being broadcast]

Dr. Pam:
It isn't important what vegetables you use. Carrots, corn on the cob, zucchini, they are all terrific.

Remington Steele:
A radio cooking show?

Laura Holt:
That's Dr. Pam, a phone-in sex therapist.

Remington Steele:
I must remember to get the cook book.

Veronica Kirk:
Old ladies and little children. No one believes us. They accuse us of having active imaginations, as though that were some sort of a curse. It's our active imaginations that allow us to see the truth, vividly.

[Laura and Remington have brought Veronica home]

Mickey Prentice:
Ronnie.

Veronica Kirk:
Oh!

Mickey Prentice:
Thank God you're all right...

Veronica Kirk:
Oh, it was the skull-faced reaper, Mick. I felt him at my shoulder, his razor scythe glinting in the moonlight, and his rancid breath hot on my neck.

Mickey Prentice:
I won't let him have you, Ronnie. I'll never let him have you.

Veronica Kirk:
Oh, such a dear fool you are. [touches Mickey's cheek] A dear, sweet fool.

[Mickey and Veronica walk towards the house]

Laura Holt:
A skull-faced reaper with hot rancid breath, eh?

Remington Steele:
Oh, a bit colorful perhaps but, then, drama was her life.

Laura Holt:
Still is.

Dr. Dudworth:
[speaking to another doctor] I don't like putting your psychopaths in with Schwartz's schizophrenics either, but Maxwell is up to his armpits in manic-depressives and Nordov's neurotics are compensating all over the place.

Bernice Foxe:
[eyes Steele's attire] Look at you. This is new, isn't it? What a fabulous color for you.

Remington Steele:
Let me guess Miss Wolfe: Laura's in my office interviewing a prospective client and you've been posted here to prevent me from joining them.

Bernice Foxe:
Laid it on a bit thick did I?

Remington Steele:
With a trowel I'm afraid.

Bernice Foxe:
Look, just this once couldn't you let me win?

Remington Steele:
What? And ruin our perfect record?

Daniel Chalmers:
You've come a long way, my boy.

Remington Steele:
Thanks in no small part to your excellent tutelage.

Daniel Chalmers:
I think this is another instance of the student surpassing the teacher.

Remington Steele:
[exhales]

Daniel Chalmers:
You, a renowned private investigator. Mind-boggling.

Remington Steele:
Hm. Actually, I find it rather novel helping people.

[Laura has phoned Steele]

Remington Steele:
Steele here.

Laura Holt:
You sound awful.

Remington Steele:
[pinching his nose] Beastly cold, beastly.

Laura Holt:
What's that noise?

Remington Steele:
[talking from the limo phone, at an airfield] Noise?

Laura Holt:
Sounds like an airplane.

Remington Steele:
I'm watching a movie, um, 30 Seconds Over Tokyo, heroic stuff. Makes me proud to be in your brave country. Well, I have to go now, Laura, time for my medication. And please, Laura, don't under any circumstances come to my apartment. One of us has to stay healthy.

[hangs up limo phone]

Remington Steele:
Wonderful invention, that call forwarding.

Remington Steele:
I realize trust is not something bestowed but earned and on the face of it, I've done nothing to earn yours.

Laura Holt:
Notice how I'm not jumping in to argue with you?

Remington Steele:
Nothing titillates the senses more than a first rate sting.

Daniel Chalmers:
You ever miss it?

Remington Steele:
Oh, I have the occasional wishful longing, a pang or two of regret.

Daniel Chalmers:
What do you do about it?

Remington Steele:
Cheat at solitaire until the feeling passes.

Remington Steele:
Laura, simply because a man earns his living on the shady side of the street doesn't mean that he's beyond human emotions. That he can't care very deeply and very passionately for someone. And he even might attempt to make a change.

Remington Steele:
Mildred, I'm worried.

Mildred Krebs:
Ms. Holt?

Remington Steele:
Uh-huh. Usually she's the logical one, I mean everything by the book, allowing precious little time for emotions to creep in and cloud her perceptions. Now look at her - she trading "blings" and "blergs" with an homicidal actor.

[Laura hangs up the phone and heads for the front door]

Remington Steele:
Laura, where are you going?

Laura Holt:
To meat Max.

Remington Steele:
Laura, the man is dangerous, he's already wanted by the police for murder!

Laura Holt:
The Fugitive!

Remington Steele:
[Misunderstanding her meaning] Yes, the fugitive Maxwell Donahue.

Laura Holt:
No, The Fugitive, David Janssen, a Q.M. production, 1963-67.

Remington Steele:
[Momentarily confused, he turns to Mildred] Mildred, you're an American, what is she talking about?

Mildred Krebs:
It's an old television series.

Laura Holt:
David Janssen played a man running from the police for a murder he didn't commit; he'd been framed.

Remington Steele:
[Outraged] And that's what you're basing his innocence on? A television show?

Laura Holt:
How many times have I followed you blindly just because you thought one of our cases bore a faint resemblance to the plot of some silly movie?

Laura Holt:
What should I call you when we're alone?

Remington Steele:
Well, I'm quite used to the name that you came up with.

Laura Holt:
It's from a typewriter and a football team.

Remington Steele:
Then pick one. I've probably used it.

Remington Steele:
[to the morgue attendant who just referred to the corpse Steele & Laura viewed as "stiff"] That "stiff" was my friend!

Morrie Singer:
I know women's lib is very big these days, but a lady hit man.

Wilson Jeffries:
I saw that body in the vat, and suddenly I thought to myself..."What would Laura do about this?".

Laura Holt:
So you stuffed him in the trunk of a car and ran away with it.

Remington Steele:
Are you talking about this Laura here?

[Laura, Remington and Wilson are getting into Laura's convertible]

Wilson Jeffries:
There are a number of private vitner estates in the area, so, with the way you drive...

[engine starts]

Remington Steele:
What's wrong with her driving anyway?

[as Remington is climbing into the backseat, Laura speeds forward, he loses his balance and falls into the car]

[Laura's car speeds into a dirt parking lot at a vineyard, tires screeching, she suddenly turning the car, and it halts to a stop right in front of a building]

Remington Steele:
Well, you certainly taught that road a lesson it won't soon forget.

Laura Holt:
No sense in dragging this thing out.

[the three of them get out of the car]

Wilson Jeffries:
It's inside, I'll show you.

[Laura walks inside the building]

Remington Steele:
Oh. Uh, if you don't mind my asking Wilson... uh, when you and Miss Holt were, uh, uhm... [moving his hands]

Wilson Jeffries:
Cohabitating.

Remington Steele:
Yes, uh. [Clears throat, continues moving his hands] Was her driving always so, uh... exuberant?

Wilson Jeffries:
If anything, it's gotten a little better. But I'm sure you know how she is. Impulsive, uninhibited... absurdly passionate. It must get trying for you at times, keeping her in check.

Remington Steele:
Oh, well, I do what I can. Hmm.

[Wilson goes inside]

Remington Steele:
[to himself, looking baffled] Absurdly passionate, eh?

[Remington, Laura and Claude are sitting around a wine barrel, containing a body that was found at the vineyard, as they hide it from potential investors]

Laura Holt:
It would appear someone might be using Harry here to sabotage your deal.

Claude Vandermeer:
Harry? You found out his name. That's great.

Remington Steele:
Yes, well, I'm afraid it's more endearing than accurate. This neighbor of yours, Werner... do you think he might be responsible?

Claude Vandermeer:
Well, he's not one of my bigger fans, but I can't believe he's capable of killing anyone. My mother on the other hand...

Remington Steele:
Thick and stormy past, eh?

Claude Vandermeer:
When I was nine, I set up a lemonade stand. My mother told me the key to good lemonade was to scratch the sugar and double the salt. And when I had a paper route, she used to go through my papers everyday and take out the funnies. She's always had this problem with me succeeding, and she knows that this wine is my chance to finally make it on my own. I wouldn't put anything past her. Not after watching her drive my father, Arnold, to his grave.

Laura Holt:
Your father's name was Arnold?

[Laura and Remington exchange a look, as they both know that Claude's mother's horse is named Arnold]

[Laura, Remington and Wilson come running out of the building, as the person they are chasing is driving away]

Wilson Jeffries:
You think we can catch him?

Remington Steele:
Well, if Laura drives.

[the three of them all get in the car]

Remington Steele:
Well, if that's true, then Harry is the Abbot of Costello!