Reno 911!: Miami

Jeff Spoder:
Johnson! Last words?

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
[sigh] Legalize it.

Jeff Spoder:
No immunity to bullets! [fires gun]

Deputy Travis Junior:
Reno is a lot like Mayberry on the TV except that everyone's on crystal meth and prostitution's legal.

Deputy Travis Junior:
I just had the weirdest dream.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
You know you're driving, right?

[hits a porto-potty]

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
[cheerfully] Nobody in it!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
Your watch is stuck in my pubes.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
What the f***.

Deputy S. Jones:
Be gentle with it!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
Shut up, n*gger.

Drug Lord's First Hostage:
[after being tortured by weed whacker] Who brings a weed wacker on a boat?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
I became a police officer because my doctor told me I needed to get out of the house more.

Jeff Spoder:
[attempting to jump a raised bridge in a mini-cart] HAMMER OF THE GODS!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
Can't you just give me a pity f***?

Kevlar Guy:
[Officer Weigel takes her turn shooting at guy in Kevlar vest & accidently shoots him in the arm] What the f***?

[repeated line]

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
What the f***, man?

Glen the Desk Clerk:
You guys here for the suck-fest?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
I'm pooping!

Terry:
Your mom's a ukulele.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
This is the stupidest group of people I've ever worked with who are not legally retarded.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
Why was your hand on my dick?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
I dreamt that I was driving in the Indie500!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
This hotel reminds me of a place you'd want to go to get a good ol' fashioned raping or a down-home murder!

Glen the Desk Clerk:
Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
There's 8 of us...

Glen the Desk Clerk:
8, 8 people for a suckfest.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
No, no suckfest. We're here for a convention.

Glen the Desk Clerk:
I like convention too. I'm in a convention. A suckfest convention.

Glen the Desk Clerk:
Hey a**holes, more a**holes here for your suckfest!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
Terry, when you're here, you're an ambassador for Reno.

Terry:
Heavy on the assador!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
Terry, we're in no mood for your hijinx. Are you getting on the bus or not?

Terry:
I'm not getting on that bus. A: it smells like farts. B: I've got my own jet that I got for Flagday to take me back home. So you wanna ride in the fart-mobile or do you wanna ride with me?

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
Let me in, I don't have a key to this door.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
It's open. You ok?

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
Oh, I'm in love.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
Hey, you've got a bandage on your teat.

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
A love bandage.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
No, I mean an ace bandage.

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
Oh my God, if I've been stabbed, I'm gonna be so pissed!

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
You need to go to the store and get me some cranberry juice cuz it's gonna be one of those days!

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
Uh oh, yeast infection time!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
I had to pee, so I did the pullover thing, but I think I dribbled.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
Does anybody have any ideas?

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
What about... a phone... you can smell through...

Jeff Spoder:
Any last words?

Lieutenant Jim Dangle:
Ummm... Uhhhh... Ummm He liked it? NO! Wait!

Deaf Tattoo Artist:
[pointing to Clementine's crotch] You got anything down there?

Deputy Clementine Johnson:
Actually, I have nothing down there. Just like a Barbie.

Jeff Spoder:
[to Ethan] I've understood, like, every third word you've said to me the entire time I've known you.

Deputy Raineesha Williams:
Thats not the only thing you're on. What else are you on, Terry?

Terry:
I'm on f***ing crack, yo!

Terry:
I'm on wheels yo!

Deputy Trudy Wiegel:
God Terry, what are you covered in?

Terry:
Oh that's... Apple Martini lube.

Deputy Travis Junior:
[one of the topless ladies on the beach is holding a pistol] Who gave topless a gun?

Deputy Raineesha Williams:
We got a call about lewd behavior on the boardwalk and you the only thing I see around here that could qualify as lewd.

Terry:
How is this... I'm not lewd at all... I don't even know what... lube or lewd?

Terry:
I just flew in. I'm recording an album. It's called Terrys' South B*tch Live: F*** You Dad, and it drops in 2009.

Captain Rogers, DHS:
You f*** with me one more time... I'm gonna fill up a tube sock with oranges and I'm gonna beat you till I juice it, then I'ma drink that juice in front of you and you'll beg to me 'why why why' but I won't answer that question because you'll know its so you'll get your heads out of your asses