Revenge of the Pink Panther

Simone Legree:
Oh my God.

Clouseau:
Mine too.

Cato:
Please, boss! I thought you were dead!

Clouseau:
So! As a tribute to my memory, you open this... this Chinese nookie factory!

Simone Le Gree:
That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...

Philippe Douvier:
Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.

Cato:
It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.

Clouseau:
That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.

Clouseau:
Now, this time *I'm* going to stand on *your* shoulders!

Cato:
What good will that do?

Clouseau:
Because I'm taller than you are, you fool!

Clouseau:
I'm a little short.

Clouseau:
Thank heaven, for the little girls. They keep getting smaller every day.

Clouseau:
Special delivery - a bomb

Clouseau:
! Were you expecting one?

Clouseau:
You mean Douvier killed a wandering transvestite just to impress his godfather?

Clouseau:
I am not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill transvestite!

Police Commissioner:
You knew him intimately.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
I hated him intimately!

Clouseau:
It's me!

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
I know!

Police Commissioner:
The Chief thinks that you should give the eulogy.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
The what?

Police Commissioner:
The tribute!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus:
Me?

Police Commissioner:
You knew him intimately.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
I hated him intimately!

Police Commissioner:
But you're the expert who's going to track down his murderers!

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
I'm the expert who would dearly love to–– to kiss his murderers, don't you understand?!

Police Commissioner:
Now, the PR people loved the angle.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
Sacrilege! I won't do it.

Police Commissioner:
Politics!

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
No. I'm a good Catholic.

Police Commissioner:
So's the Chief's wife.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
I don't care! [Hesitates] What's she got to do with it?

Police Commissioner:
She wrote the speech.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
Ladies and gentlemen… honored guests… dear friends… we are gathered here to say… good-bye… to a… a great man. [suppresses a laugh; feigns tears]. Not only was he a model police officer… a brilliant detective… [coughs] admired and respected… by his fellow officers… and all those who were fortunate enough;–– enough;–– enough to know him… [suppresses a laugh; feigns tears]… he was, above all else… a modest man! [suppresses a laugh; feigns tears]. His kind, will not pass this way again… and our loss… is surely… Heaven's gain! [breaks down in tears of laughter].

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
Doctor, please, you must help me. Is Clouseau real, or am I going mad again?

Dr. Paul Laprone:
What do you think?

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
What do I think? What can I think? If that nincompoop is really alive and the things I heard are true, he'll probably be decorated again for rounding up the biggest drug ring in France, and I'll be a-a laughingstock.

Dr. Paul Laprone:
That sounds reasonable. What are you going to do?

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
What choice do I have? I either commit myself and come back to be locked up in here...Or... I go to Hong Kong.

Simone Le Gree:
Now why do you suppose he wanted to have me killed?

Clouseau:
Elementary. He wanted you dead.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
Clouseau?

Clouseau:
Yes?

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
Are you wounded?

Clouseau:
No. Fortunately I was saved by the darkness.

Chief Insp. Dreyfus:
So what we need is more light.

Clouseau:
But these aren't normal times. Cato. Someone just tried to kill me.

Cato:
That's normal.

Clouseau:
Ah, but this time, he thinks he had succeeded.

Clouseau:
Who were those two men have tried to kill you last night?

Simone Legree:
Killers.

Sgt. François Chevalier:
Why don't you get out of those wet clothes? You could catch pneumonia.

Clouseau:
Yes, I know that. I know that. I will do as soon as I get home, provided that idiot Cato does not attack me first.

Sgt. François Chevalier:
Why don't you just tell him not to?

Clouseau:
Believe me, it's not that easy. I have given him instructions to attack me wherever and whenever possible, and it has now become a matter of pride with him to try to outsmart me. I guarantee that at this very minute, his fiendish little yellow brain is plotting some new ambush.

Clouseau:
You keep talking about this Douvier.

Simone Legree:
Mm-hmm.

Clouseau:
But Philippe, who is... who is-who is Philippe?

Simone Legree:
Philippe Douvier.

Clouseau:
His son?

Simone Legree:
Whose son?

Clouseau:
Douvier.

Simone Legree:
He has no son.

Clouseau:
His brother, then?

Simone Legree:
His brother's name is Fred.

Clouseau:
Then it has to be his father.

Simone Legree:
His father's dead.

Clouseau:
Ah! Now we're getting somewhere. Then who killed him?

Simone Legree:
No one. He died of natural causes.

Clouseau:
Then who is this Philippe?

Philippe Douvier:
The Great Inspector Clouseau will not be bothering us anymore.

Clouseau:
Now I see why this building seems so familiar: Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here! Wake up, Chief Inspector! No good. We must go to Hong Kong without him.

Simone Le Gree:
What do you mean, We? I can't go to Hong Kong; Douvier would shoot me on sight!

Clouseau:
Not if he doesn't recognize you.

Simone Legree:
Hello, Phillippe.

Philippe Douvier:
Simone! What're you doing here?

Simone Legree:
O, nothing; just waiting for the fireworks to go off.

Philippe Douvier:
What fireworks?

Simone Legree:
The ones I just stuck into your pants!

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau:
Ohhhh...Sixteen chests on a dead man's rum/Yo-ho-ho in the bottle of the chest/Drink to the devils and done for the rums/Hoooooooooooooooo!