Rhoda

[repeated line]

Carlton:
Hello, this is Carlton your doorman.

Carlton:
Drinking doesn't cause hangovers; stopping drinking causes hangovers.

[Vince is playing his accordian for Brenda]

Brenda Morgenstern:
Vince, this is so much trouble you go to. I mean, why lug your accordian all the way here when I can just put on some records or something?

Vince Mazuma:
Well, I thought it would turn you on.

[Ida is getting ready to be examined by a doctor]

Dr. Henry Gerber:
How old are you?

Ida Morgenstern:
Guess.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Do you know how many patients I have waiting for me out there?

Ida Morgenstern:
I'll guess that when you guess my age.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
50.

Ida Morgenstern:
7.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
You're 57-years-old?

Ida Morgenstern:
No. I thought you had 7 patients waiting out there.

[slight pause]

Ida Morgenstern:
I'm 52.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Thank you.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Have you had any social diseases?

Ida Morgenstern:
Social diseases? I don't know who brought you up, but I'm a lady, and you're not to use words like that in my presence.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Do you have any allergies?

Ida Morgenstern:
I'm allergic to little bottles.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Then I'll get you a big one.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Should we go into the examination room?

Ida Morgenstern:
Alright, where's the woman who's going to examine me?

Dr. Henry Gerber:
I'm going to examine you.

Ida Morgenstern:
You? Why?

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Why? Why do you think?

Ida Morgenstern:
Because I think you get your kicks from seeing a woman my age naked.

Dr. Henry Gerber:
Mrs. Morgenstern, I examine naked people all day long. I've been doing it for over 20 years.

Ida Morgenstern:
Aw, come on doctor, you mean to say if uh, you don't see an extrordinary body, you don't let that stethoscope linger a little?

[while Vince and Brenda are kissing in the apartment, Rhoda knocks on the door. Brenda answers it]

Rhoda Morgenstern Gerard:
Aw, listen, I didn't mean to interrupt... I mean busting in on you and, uh...

Brenda Morgenstern:
...Vince.

Vince Mazuma:
Hey, don't worry about it. If anything was really going on, we wouldn't have heard the knock.

Joe Gerard:
Did you come right out and tell Brenda to tell Sandy to tell Patty?

Rhoda Morgenstern Gerard:
[During the first season opening credits] "My name is Rhoda Morgenstern. I was born in the Bronx, New York in December, 1941. I've always felt responsible for World War II. The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was food. I had a bad puberty; it lasted 17 years. I'm a high school graduate. I went to art school. My entrance exam was on a book of matches. I decided to move out of the house when I was 24; my mother still refers to this as the time I ran away from home. Eventually I ran to Minneapolis, where it's cold, and I figured I'd keep better. Now I'm back in Manhattan. New York, this is your last chance!"

Johnny Venture:
Later, maybe I'll stop by your place, and give you a thrill.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
You cannot do both.

Carlton's Mother:
You have to have a little understanding of my boy. You know who his father was?

Rhoda Gerard:
No.

Carlton's Mother:
Me neither.

Rhoda Gerard:
[Annoyed by how Heather keeps playing with Joe's shirt] Do you want your dinner on a plate or should I dump it down his shirt?

Rhoda Gerard:
Do you have any dessert?

Brenda Morgenstern:
Does Gladys Knight have Pips?

Rhoda Morgenstern Gerard:
Are you alone?

Brenda Morgenstern:
Aren't I always?