Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Romy:
The truth is you are a mean person with an ugly heart and, quite frankly, we don't give a flying f*** what you think!

Romy:
Swear to God, sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.

Michele:
Do you want to try, to see if we are?

Romy:
What? Yeah, right, Michelle. Just the idea of having sex with another woman creeps me out. But if we're still single at 30, ask me again.

Michele:
Okay.

Christie:
So, Mi-chelle! What are you up to?

Michele:
Actually I invented a special kind of glue.

Christie:
Oh really? Well then I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving us a detailed account of how exactly you concocted this miracle glue, would you?

Michele:
No. Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in a Poxide which is really just a fancy schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right.

Christie:
Thanks a lot Romy.

Romy:
What?

Christie:
Thanks for stealing my boyfriend!

Romy:
What are you talking about?

Christie:
Billy just broke up with me. Apparently he's had a crush on you since Mr. Roswell's class and now that he knows that you like him, he doesn't want to pretend with me anymore. My life was perfect and you ruined it! Oh!

Romy:
I swear to God Christy, I didn't even think he'd dance with me!

Michele:
Wow, she is really P.O.'d. This is so cool!

Romy:
I know. It's like I had this dream where Billy was like in love with me, and he was in a wheelchair, but still, it's like it's coming true!

Michele:
For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "sh*t" a lot. You know?

Heather:
OK cowboy, I don't know what your trip is, but if this is some kind of a sick game... If you f*** with me, in any way, I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick. Capice?

Michele:
I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda.

Romy:
YOU'RE the Rhoda, you're the Jewish one.

Heather:
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

Michele:
OK, I don't even know what you're talking about cause of those words, but come here.

Michele:
Did you lose weight?

Romy:
Actually, I have been trying this new fat free diet I invented. All I've had to eat for the past six days are gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns.

Michele:
God, I wish I had your discipline.

Michele:
I hope your babies look like monkeys!

Romy:
Well at least she's not the one who got *fat*.

Christie:
We're pregnant, you half-wit.

Romy:
Yeah, well, I hope your babies look like monkeys!

Michele:
Oh my God, you did it!

Romy:
Yeah, I did.

Michele:
What did you have to do?

Romy:
I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs.

Michele:
Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood.

Romy:
Michele?

Michele:
What?

Romy:
Do you really think I would do that? For a car? Just get in.

Michele:
O.K.

Romy:
Hey, um, great suit. Is that an Armani?

Suit Salesman:
Yes. Yes, it is.

Romy:
I thought so. So, what do you do?

Suit Salesman:
I'm a suit salesman.

Romy:
Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.

Heather:
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

Michele:
You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny.

Romy:
You have absolutely no proof that you're cuter.

Michele:
Oh, proof. You want proof? Ok, fine. Who lost their virginity first?

Romy:
Oh, big wow, with your cousin Barry. I wouldn't brag about it.

Michele:
Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.

Romy:
Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.

Michele:
You know, even though we've watched Pretty Woman like thirty-six times, I never get tired of making fun of it.

Michele:
You know, even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge.

Ramon:
You have to say something nice about my penis!

Romy:
Oh Ramon, your penis is so powerful! I'm coming! Okay, thank you! Get off me!

Romy:
Heather, um, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?

Heather:
No. No one. Thank you.

Romy:
I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.

Michele:
That's impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?

Romy:
Isn't it weird when you're not friends with your friends anymore? I mean, Michele and I just fell out of touch about two hours ago.

Heather:
Twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go.

Billy Christiansen:
Wanna get a room?

Romy:
But you're married!

Billy Christiansen:
To Christie!

Romy:
Yeah, but you have children, and you're a successful real estate developer.

Billy Christiansen:
I do dry wall for her old man's construction company, and you know this new kid, don't even know if he's mine! So, how about that room?

Romy:
Okay. Why don't you get that room? Why don't you wash your face and take off all your clothes? And, I'll be there in five minutes.

Billy Christiansen:
Alright! Your fantasy is going to come true tonight. See you later!

Michele:
Bye.

Romy:
Now he's going to see what it feels like to wait.

Michele:
Such a good one.

Christie:
Sandy, hi! You look so rich! I mean, great!

Heather:
Why don't you tell everyone I said to go f*** themselves for making my teen years a living hell?

Romy:
Michele? Now that I'm looking at this, our lives don't seem as impressive as I thought.

Michele:
They don't?

Romy:
Well, do you think it's impressive that we're still single, and we've been living together for ten years, and I'm a cashier and you're unemployed?

Michele:
Not super-impressive.

Romy:
Then, what's the point of going if we're not going to impress people?

Cheryl:
I don't believe it!

Christie:
What?

Cheryl:
THAT!

Kelly:
They're back!

Christie:
Nice outfits. Post-it's must be really lucrative!

Michele:
Romy, are you sure you wanna do this?

Romy:
Oh yeah, Michele. I am SO sure!

Romy:
What the hell is your problem, Christie. Why the hell are you always such a nasty b*tch? I mean, okay, so Michele and I did make up some stupid lie! We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings. But you know what I realized? I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you. You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying f*** what you think!

Romy:
Come on Michele.

Michele:
Okay, and... YEAH!

Christie:
Unbelievable! They're as diluted about their lives as they are about those HIDEOUS clothes

Lisa Luder:
Actually Christie. They have nice lines. A fun, frisky use of color. All and all, I'd have to say they're really... NOT BAD!

Christie:
Well, WE still think they're ridiculous. Don't we girls?

Lisa Luder:
Why don't you just let them think for themselves for once?

Christie:
You're just jealous. Because unlike a certain ball-busting dried up career woman, I might mention, we're all HAPPILY MARRIED!

Lisa Luder:
That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that.

Romy:
Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together?

Michele:
Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us.

Romy:
So we said: "OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele's house on Friday night and we'll be waiting."

Michele:
And then he showed up, and we were like: "Danny, it was a joke!"

Romy:
And then we turned the sprinklers on him!

Michele:
Oh my God!

Michele:
Didn't he die?

Romy:
I think so.

Heather:
Why are you tormenting me? Why don't you go f*** a sheep, or your sister, or YOURSELF? Braindead redneck a**hole!

Heather:
Do you live with Michele Weinberger?

Romy:
Yeah.

Heather:
I just figured she'd be married to Sandy by now.

Romy:
Sandy Frink?

Heather:
Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?

Romy:
The Frink-a-zoid and Michele... I'm sure! Besides, didn't *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?

Heather:
I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there's a difference!

Heather:
There's a difference!

Heather:
There's a difference! I have to go now!

Toby Walters:
Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don't tell me to f*** off, because it really hurts my feelings.

Heather:
I hurt your feelings?

Toby Walters:
Yeah, all the time.

Heather:
Tremendous! That's tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!

Romy:
Have a "Romy and Michele" day!

Michele:
Ow! That hurt! But it looked really good!

Heather:
What a waste of a tank of gas!

Romy:
The reunion is less than two weeks away. I just can't believe that you turned down a job!

Michele:
Well, I thought the whole point of going to the reunion was to impress people. I mean, how am I gonna impress ANYBODY by selling ban-lon smocks at Bargain Mart?

Romy:
Well we definitely weren't in the A group, but you know, we weren't really in the B group either.

Michele:
Oh my god! We weren't in the C group were we?

Romy:
Oh god no, that was, like, all the losers and honor students, like Sandy Frink and Heather Mooney.

Michele:
So, Romy, what group WERE we in?

Romy:
Well, we weren't really in a group, we were more like loners. Oh look! There we are!

Michele:
Yeah, and alone.

Romy:
Hi, my name's Romy and I'm an alcoholic.

Romy:
Hey.

Michele:
Sandy Frink has a helicopter?

Romy:
Yeah, apparently he's worth millions. He invented some kind of rubber.

Michele:
Like for condoms?

Michele:
Hey Romy, remember Mrs. Divitz's class, there was like always a word problem. Like, there's a guy in a rowboat going X miles, and the current is going like, you know, some other miles, and how long does it take him to get to town? It's like, 'Who cares? Who wants to go to town with a guy who drives a rowboat?

Heather:
Wow, all that time you guys were making my life hell, the A group was doing the same thing to you! I had no idea!

Michele:
You know? I bet in high school, everybody made somebody's life hell.

Heather:
Nope, sorry, never had the opportunity.

Michele:
I bet that's not true...

Heather:
You think?

Michele:
Oh, yeah, you were really unpleasant.

Billy Christiansen:
Chubbo?

Romy:
The name is Romy.

Michelle:
You know, you really shouldn't let people fill out applications if you don't want them to actually try to get a job here. No, no, that's all I have to say.

Michele:
Let's fold scarves!

Michele:
Well, my first choice was to work at a boutique on Rodeo Drive, but this would be okay.

Michele:
To me, fashion is just like... everything. [looks at a customer looking into a mirror] By the way... Hi! That blouse looks great on you!

Irate Customer:
[looking pleased] Thank you!

Michele:
And see? I have this really believable way of telling people they look really good, even though I'm just, you know... [does masturbating gesture]

[Irate Customer looks embarrassed and leaves]

Michele:
I think she heard me.

Cheryl:
I don't believe it!

Christie:
What?

Cheryl:
That!

Kelly:
They're ba-aaack!

Christie:
Nice outfits. Post-it's must be really lucrative!

Michele:
Romy, are you sure you wanna do this?

Romy:
Oh yeah, Michele. I am so sure!

Romy:
What the hell is your problem, Christie. Why are you always such a nasty b*tch? I mean, okay, so Michele and I did make up some stupid lie! We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings. But you know what I realized? I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you. You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying f*** what you think!

Romy:
Come on Michele.

Michele:
Okay, and...yeah!

Christie:
Unbelievable! They're as deluded about their lives as they are about those hideous clothes

Lisa:
Actually, Christie. They have nice lines. A fun, frisky use of color. All in all, I'd have to say they're really...not bad!

Christie:
Well, we still think they're ridiculous. Don't we girls?

Lisa:
Why don't you just let them think for themselves for once?

Christie:
You're just jealous. Because unlike a certain ball-busting dried up career woman, I might mention, we're all happily married!

Lisa:
That's right, Christie...keep telling yourself that.

Heather:
[attempting to light a cigarette, turns and sees the cowboy offering her a light] Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what do you want?

Cowboy:
You were right, I was a brain dead redneck a**hole. Though I never screwed a sheep or my sister.

Heather:
Why not, couldn't catch 'em?

[Sandy Frink has arrived by helicopter, and everybody is wide-eyed at his entrance in a three-piece suit and white-soled sneakers]

Heather Mooney:
That's Sandy Frink? The hell was I thinking? [goes somewhere else]

Christie:
[tries to greet Sandy] Sandy, hi! You look so rich. I mean, great. [Frink slightly smiles at her but moves on]

Sandy Frink:
Michele. After all these years, you still take my breath away.

Michele:
Thanks. So you must be, like, the most successful person in our entire graduating class.

Sandy:
Well, I guess that depends on how you define "success." If, to you, success means having a house in Aspen. one in Acapulco, penthouse in New York, mansion in Malibu, 60-foot yacht, an eight-seat Windstar, a Bell Jet Ranger, a Bentley, a personal trainer, a full-time chef, a live-in masseuse, and a staff of 24, then, yeah... I guess I am successful. But no matter how much I accumulate... there's still one thing I just don't have.

Michele:
[lost in his monologue] Your own country?

Sandy:
I don't have you, Michele. Will you dance with me?

Michele:
Only if Romy can dance with us.

Sandy:
Sure. [they perform a dance rendition of Time After Time]

[Heather is attempting to light a cigarette, but when someone offers her a light, she sees it's the Cowboy]

Heather:
Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what do you want?

Cowboy:
You were right, I was a brain-dead redneck a**hole. Though I never screwed a sheep or my sister.

Heather:
Why not, couldn't catch 'em?

Cowboy:
Guess I deserve that. I was a jerk. I'm so miserable in high school, I don't think I spoke more than two words the entire time. Just couldn't breathe there, you know, plus I was a really bad stutterer. Listen do you, uh, want to go somewhere quiet? Somewhere we can talk?

Heather:
[surprised at the invite] You...you want to talk to me? [the Cowboy nods] OK cowboy, I don't know what your trip is, but if this is some kind of a sick game.

Cowboy:
What? No!

Heather:
If you f*** with me, in any way, I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick. Capice?

Cowboy:
Look, I just wanted to talk.

Heather:
OK what the hell... [they head off] What is your name?

Cowboy:
Clarence.

Heather:
Clarence, I like the name.

Cowboy:
Thank you.

Heather:
Pick up the pace.