Runaway Bride

Ike Graham:
Hey, don't knock drunks in bars! It means they're not out driving.

Ellie:
Where is she going?

Fisher:
I don't know, but she'll be there by 10:30 tomorrow.

Maggie Carpenter:
You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.

Maggie Carpenter:
A girl can't get married in flannel!

Maggie Carpenter:
Is there one 'right' person for everyone?

Ike Graham:
No, but I think attraction is mistaken for rightness.

Ike Graham:
Hi leave a message after the beep. If you want to send me a fax then buy me a fax machine.

Maggie Carpenter:
Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts.

Priest Brian:
Of an impure nature?

Maggie Carpenter:
No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?

Ike Graham:
SHZAAM! I think I'm in Mayberry.

Maggie Carpenter:
I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.

Maggie Carpenter:
Gill, I am really afraid of needles, but that doesn't make me a bad person...

Ike Graham:
Look, look! I think this man is heart broken!

Peggy:
Well, there is one thing that brings warmth to my heart.

Peggy:
Duckbill platypus.

Maggie Carpenter:
No... that's only funny at Camp Birchwood in the tent at three in the morning and it's raining and my leg is the pole! And at a tick hunt! It's not anymore.

Peggy:
Let's just give it a try.

Cousin Cindy:
Hi, I'm Cindy, Maggie's unmarried cousin.

Maggie Carpenter:
Benedict.

Ike Graham:
Arnold.

Maggie Carpenter:
I love Eggs Benedict, I hate every other kind. I hate big weddings with everybody staring. I'd like to get married on a weekday while everybody's at work. And when I ride off into the sunset, I want my own horse.

Ike Graham:
Should I be writing this down?

Maggie Carpenter:
I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?

Ike Graham:
I... I've got to think about this a little bit.

Maggie Carpenter:
Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

Ellie Graham:
[as the runaway bride gets a ride on a Federal Express van] I wonder where she's going.

Fisher:
I don't know, but wherever it is she will be there by 10:30 tomorrow.

[Ike and Maggie have just kissed]

Bob Kelly:
[to Maggie] If you were imagining me, you did great. [turns to Ike] What the hell were YOU doing?

Ike Graham:
I'm sorry, Bob. She kissed me back.

Maggie Carpenter:
I kissed him back.

Bob Kelly:
Yeah, I caught that. Want to tell me how long this has been going on?

Maggie Carpenter:
About a minute...?

Ike Graham:
A little longer for me.

Maggie Carpenter:
[smiles] Really?

Bob Kelly:
What do you expect me to say to this?

Ike Graham:
How about - "I hope you'll be very happy together"?

[Bob punches Ike in the face]

Bob Kelly:
I hope you'll be very happy together.

Grandma:
[about Ike] I like his tight butt.

Maggie Carpenter:
Grandma!

Grandma:
Well, I do.

Maggie Carpenter:
I wanted to tell you why I run - sometimes ride - away from things.

Ike Graham:
Does it matter?

Maggie Carpenter:
I think so. [takes a deep breath] When I was walking down the aisle, I was walking toward somebody who didn't have any idea who I really was. And it was only half the other person's fault, because I had done everything to convince him that I was exactly what he wanted. So it was good that I didn't go through with it because it would have been a lie. But you - you knew the real me.

Ike Graham:
Yes, I did.

Maggie Carpenter:
I didn't. And you being the one at the end of the aisle didn't just fix that.

Maggie Carpenter:
I love you, Homer Eisenhower Graham. Will you marry me?

Ike Graham:
I... I've got to think about this a little bit.

Maggie Carpenter:
Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

Ike Graham:
[laughing] You were not!

Maggie Carpenter:
I was, because if you said "yes" right away, then I wouldn't get to say this next part, and I've been practicing. [Maggie sits down, clears her throat] Ready?

Ike Graham:
I'm listening.

Maggie Carpenter:
I guarantee there'll be tough times. I guarantee that at some point, one or both of us is going to want get out. But I also guarantee... [starts to cry] that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. Because I know in my heart... you're the only one for me.

Ike Graham:
Don't tell me. My doorman's another one of your admirers.

Ike Graham:
So, um, may be you and I should, you know, what do you think, Huh?

Ike Graham:
A toast to, uh to Maggie's family and friends. May you find yourselves the bulls-eye of an easy target. May you be publicly flogged for all of your bad choices. And may your noses be rubbed in all of your mistakes.

Maggie Carpenter:
There is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.

Maggie Carpenter:
"Dear Editor: Greetings from the sticks. Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact? I suppose Mr.Graham was too busy thinking up slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting, which is understandable because with a man-eater like me on the loose, who has time to check facts? That's why I was surprised to find Mr. Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eaters could stick together. Anyway, I'm just dropping you big-city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Graham's column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S., I have enclosed a list of the gross factual misinterpretations in your article. There are fifteen."