Ruthless People

Barbara:
So, when do I get out of here?

Sandy:
As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom.

Barbara:
What's the problem? What is the ransom?

Sandy:
Well, we asked for $500,000.

Barbara:
That should be no problem.

Sandy:
He wouldn't pay.

Barbara:
He wouldn't pay?

Sandy:
Then we asked him for $50,000.

Barbara:
Yeah?

Sandy:
He still wouldn't pay. So now we're lowering our price to $10,000.

Barbara:
Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down?

Barbara:
I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!

Sam Stone:
They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then... he stabilized. That son-of-a-b*tch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER...!

Barbara:
My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*!

Sam Stone:
Bye-bye, Barbara!

Barbara:
Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!

Sam Stone:
Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!

Barbara:
So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father, this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.

Lt. Bender:
GIVE THE BAG TO BOZO, DROP THE GUN, AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR.

Earl Mott:
Who said that?

Lt. Walters:
This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him.

Lt. Bender:
IT'S THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

Earl Mott:
Really?

Lt. Bender:
NO! WE'RE THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION!

Sam Stone:
I had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman. I - I - I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps.

Sam Stone:
Ugh! And that filthy little shitbag dog of hers..."Muffy"!

Carol:
Aren't you scared?

Sam Stone:
Scared? Hell, no. I'm looking FORWARD to it. My only regret, Carol, is that the plan isn't more violent.

Ken Kessler:
I mean, what the hell's the point of being a decent person when no-one is?

Barbara:
Aw gee whiz, that really sucks. I'm a real aficionado of death camp cuisine.

Barbara:
YOU'VE F***ED WITH THE WRONG PERSON! My husband does business with the Mafia! When they track you down, you, your entire family, everyone you ever KNEW will all get chainsaw enemas!

Sandy:
I don't think he loves her.

Ken Kessler:
Well, let's face it, she's not Mother Teresa. Gandhi would have strangled her.

Sam Stone:
For mixing cotton with silk?

Ken Kessler:
Sandy, it's over. Sam isn't going to pay the ransom, he couldn't care less. I'm no criminal. I can't even sell retail, and that's legal!

Carol:
You get that tape of Sam Stone finishing off his wife, and that man will give us anything we want for the rest of his life!

Earl Mott:
Yeah! Then we're off to Haiti.

Carol:
Not Haiti, Tahiti!

Earl Mott:
Oh, I knew that.

Carol:
Either the chief is a complete moron and complete morons are rare...

Carol:
Or he's playing games with me!

Sam Stone:
Yes, your attack dogs. Do they just attack people or can you get them to attack little dogs?

Sam Stone:
Well, what if you starve them for a while?

Sam Stone:
It's the dog. She's not properly house-trained.

Sam Stone:
The dog's a little diabetic.

Ken Kessler:
What can we deprive Sam of that would really get to the core of his being?

Barbara:
HIS TESTICLES!

Earl Mott:
Did you just shoot at me?

Ken Kessler:
No, there's police men everywhere.

Earl Mott:
Do you think that I look that stupid?

Ken Kessler:
Yes, you do!

Sam Stone:
I'm not asking you to screw the dog, Carol. It's for me.!

Nice butt. With a cute little rear end like that you'll be queen of the ball. Your dance card will be filled every night at the San Quentin Country Club.