RV

Bob:
[about Travis] Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

Marie Jo:
Do you want to hear about the time Jesus saved us from a tornado?

Earl:
So, do you have a boyfriend?

Cassie:
Yeah. Actually, I'm engaged.

Earl:
Unlikely.

Bob:
[angrily] We watch TV in four separate rooms and IM each other when dinner is ready.

Cassie, age 5:
Daddy?

Bob:
Yeah, baby?

Cassie, age 5:
I'm never going to get married.

Bob:
Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.

Cassie, age 5:
Because I always want to live here with you.

Bob:
Well, you know. One day, you're going to grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're going to get married. But you and I will always be best friends.

[He kisses her forehead. Scene shifts to present day.]

Cassie:
Dad, could you be any more of a dork?

Bob:
Cassie, do you know where this girl lives, or do you just think you know?

Cassie:
I know where, I just know one way to get there, and you refuse to go that way.

Bob:
Because it's a stupid way.

Jamie:
You're lost, aren't you?

Bob:
Yes, I'm lost. Because our daughter, Sakagawea back there, doesn't know the address or the name of the street, she just knows it as 'the one next to the one with the fountain'.

[Raccoons are in the RV oven; the family runs out]

Jamie:
Did you forget to take the roasts out last night?!

Bob:
Guess so.

Cassie:
Let's feed Carl to the raccoon and he might leave!

Carl:
[Angrily] Let's feed him you! He might be on the South b*tch diet!

Bob:
That's a good one, son.

[repeated line]

Cassie:
Dad, the RV's rolling away.

[Bob is sitting on the toilet]

Billy:
You sure got a nice one.

Bob:
What?

Billy:
That's a nice laptop.

Carl:
Does anyone have a vomit bag?

Jamie:
Are you sick?

Carl:
Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.

Bob:
[really needs to use a toilet] I've got an ICBM coming! [mutters to himself] If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.

Cassie:
Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.

Jamie:
What?

Cassie:
Oh, my god. It's your husband.