Satellite City

[the boys are watching Wales losing at Rugby]

Gwynne:
We was better when we all had initials... JJ, JPR...

Dai the barman:
MD.

Gwynne:
MD? Who's MD?

Dai the barman:
Mervyn Davies.

Gwynne:
Mervyn Davies wasn't known as MD.

Dai the barman:
No but they's his initials though.

Gwynne:
Yes Dai, but he was known as 'Merv the Swerve'

Dad:
In that case he should be called M the S. M for Merv, S for Swerve and 'The' for 'The'.

Dad:
I went to Cardiff once. There was a big shop and we had fish and chips sitting down. I didn't like it much.

[Spike Malarky is on trial in the club]

Randy:
Spike Malarky, you are accused of sneaking into our house, confusing Idris with psuedo-philosphical ideas and stealing an expensive executive toy. How do you plead?

Spike Malarky:
I never done it!

Dai the barman:
I'd like to point out that there's only three people on the jury. One of them is predisposed to the accuser because she has an obvious sexual infatuation for the lawyer, the other one is mentally challenged and the third one is non compost mentist.

Doctor:
Why didn't you marry again Price? Open your shirt.

Dad:
No woman could ever replace my Angharad.

Doctor:
She was a formidible woman Price, I agree.

Dad:
Do you know she could carry a goat in one hand from Ton Pentre to Maerdy.

Randy:
Why would she want to do that Idris?

Dad:
Well she had the shopping in the other hand.

Dad:
You are the nicest young bloke I ever slept with.

Mandy:
You are the nicest young bloke I haven't slept with.

Dad:
You can't go to Cardiff mun

Randy:
Why not Idris?

Dad:
Why not?

Randy:
Well yeah, why not?

Dad:
Well they eat people's heads in Cardiff

Randy:
I don't think that's true.

Dad:
Well you'll have your head eaten then

Randy:
I'm not saying I want to go to Cardiff

Dad:
It's the capital of head eaters mun!

Dad:
Satan's handmaidens will get you, they'll force you to dance

Mandy:
Aye, and take drugs

Dad:
That Worthington stuff

Mandy:
'E' Mr Price

Dad:
Aye, 'E', and then you'll dry up and die. Like it says in the papers

Randy:
Even when I was with the Hopi Indians I found gainful employment watching mudhuts dry

Gwynne:
Aye but there's probably a lower unemployment rate in the Nevada desert

Dad:
I'll crush my own windpipe with a hammer if he goes

Mandy:
I'll take all my clothes off and scream

Dad:
I'll live in a suitcase under the bed without holes

Moira price:
...and I will join Plaid Cymru

Randy:
Are you alright Idris?

Dad:
No!

Randy:
I noticed you were up half the night

Dad:
I was in the garden

Gwynne:
Sitting in his vest in the rain he was

Dad:
I was trying to catch pneumonia

Dad:
You'll grow a little moustache and forget all about us

Randy:
A little moustache?

Dad:
Aye, like that Ian Rush

Randy:
There must be some jobs, Gwynne's got a job

Dad:
Yeah but he's been there since he left school. I think they forgot to sack him

Randy:
It's still a job, what is it you do exactly?

Gwynne:
Do?

Randy:
Yeah

Gwynne:
Well it's difficult to put into words really Randy boy. I go in in the morning, and then I potch about until dinner time... then I have dinner. Then after dinner I... that's a good question and I can't answer it, not off the top of my head just like that... but I do do something, remind me to ask Moira

Randy:
I need to restore my energies. I'll do some yoga when I get back. Stand on my head for a couple of hours.

Gwynne:
I'll stand on your head for a couple of hours if you think it'll do any good

Moira price:
Randy's been looking for a job, Dai

Dai the barman:
A Job? What job?

Randy:
There were these turkeys right? So naturally I assumed they'd need caring for. Feeding, talking to, that sort of thing. So I went in to apply.

Dai the barman:
Turkey strangler was it?

Randy:
Yeah

Dai the barman:
Where's the Ayatollah today then?

Moira price:
That's a good question Dai

Gwynne:
Is it?

Moira price:
Yes Gwynne. I mean, when did Dad last miss his one o'clock pint?

Gwynne:
[Thinking] Let's see, March the... seventh... nineteen sixty...

Dai the barman:
Five

Gwynne:
Five wasn't it. He'd been knocked unconscious by Hayden Webb's father outside the fish shop for calling his bricklaying "baroque"

Dad:
You stupid, useless, shoplifting bugger!

[repeated line]

Bridget:
Let's go, is it Mand?

Gwynne:
He is Spike Malarky mun, known criminal, not bloody Dumbo! He is a recidivist!

Dai the barman:
Don't say that about the man. He's been in an out of prison all his life.