Scary Movie

Buffy Gilmore:
Don't worry, Cindy! We'll pretend this never happened. You know, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other!

Cindy Campbell:
I thought you loved me.

Bobby:
Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.

Ray:
What? I ain't gay!

Bobby:
What are you talking about? You took me to that club.

Ray:
So? They play good music.

Bobby:
What about our trip to San Francisco?

Ray:
I wanted to go shopping.

Bobby:
But you made love to me!

Ray:
First of all, you sucked my dick!

Cindy Campbell:
We have to call the police!

Ray:
No way! I ain't going to jail!

Greg:
He's right! Cindy, do you know what they do to teens in jail? All of those sex-starved convicts waiting for a fresh piece of meat?

Ray:
Hey, Cindy's right. Maybe we should call the police.

Brenda:
Shorty, what are you doing driving? I know you ain't got no papers.

Shorty:
I got papers, blunts, blongs, blokes, anything to make a high nigga pie!

Deputy Doofy:
Mom said that when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

Buffy Gilmore:
Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!

Heather:
Gail, help me!

Gail Hailstorm:
Sorry, kid, but it's sweeps!

Cindy Campbell:
Look, if it's about that time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix, it was my first keg party, Bobby!

Buffy Gilmore:
Oh, look at me! I'm all dead!

Buffy Gilmore:
Oh, is this the climax? Well, I hope you don't mind if I fake it!

Miss Mann:
Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you like.

Buffy Gilmore:
Oh my god, we hit a boot!

Greg:
Where's the foot?

Homeless Man:
You got a dollar?

Buffy Gilmore:
Get away from me, you bum.

Cindy Campbell:
Buffy, can't you see he's hungry? Here you go, sir, a nice sandwich.

Homeless Man:
I said a dollar, b*tch.

Cindy Campbell:
Ray, if you see Bobby, will you tell him that I love him?

Ray:
Okay, if I see Bobby, I'll tell him I love him.

Black TV Reporter:
Reporting live for Black TV! White folks are dead, we're getting the f*** out of here!

Heather:
The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want.

Teacher:
Oh, shut the f*** up.

Brenda:
Shorty, if you go to class once in a while you would learn.

Shorty:
I do go to class.

Brenda:
Shorty, lunch is not a class.

Shorty:
It is if you got the munchies!

Gail Hailstorm:
Is that drool?

Deputy Doofy:
Yeah, I forgot to swallow.

Gail Hailstorm:
Don't worry, because I never forget.

Gail Hailstorm:
Isn't Cindy Campbell's father a suspect?

Sheriff:
That is classified information, where did you get that from?

Gail Hailstorm:
Sorry sir, I'm not sharing my sources.

Deputy Doofy:
Hi Gail... Gail swallows.

Ray:
Damn girl, I sure like to get in your pants...

Brenda:
Really?

Ray:
Yeah, what size are these?

Miss Mann:
Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of. Some for money, others to gain the athletic edge on the competition. Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us. Do you know what I mean?

Cindy Campbell:
Yes I do, uh, Miss Mann. Thanks for ball - I mean all your help. I have to go to class.

Miss Mann:
Anytime dear.

Deputy Doofy:
I got poopies.

Sheriff:
Did you just say you went "poopie"?

Deputy Doofy:
Yeah, it was good.

Deputy Doofy:
I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room!

Sheriff:
How are you today Cindy?

Cindy Campbell:
Good, officer, how are you?

Sheriff:
Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my ass the size of a walnut - you know, the usual.

Gail Hailstorm:
You don't get it? Well here's what you will get. (Hold up 1 finger)This little piggy went to the market (Hold up middle finger) This little piggy stayed home (points at cameraman) And if this fat little piggy doesn't role the goddamn camera (camera clicks on) - Gail Hailstorm!

Gail Hailstorm:
Cindy, Cindy your ass looks fat!

Gail Hailstorm:
Kenny, I know you're probably crappin' in a bag right now, but when I say move it that means get your plasma packin' I.V. draggin, bed-sore havin butt over here now!

The Killer:
What's your favorite scary movie?

Drew Decker:
Kazaam! You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie.

The Killer:
That's not a horror movie.

Drew Decker:
Yeah, well, you've never seen Shaq act.

Deputy Doofy:
Special Officer Doofy reporting!

Policeman #1:
Hey, Doofy! Smell my fingers!

Deputy Doofy:
What's that?

Policeman #1:
That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy.

Deputy Doofy:
Hey, Terry! Smell my fingers!

Policeman #1:
What the hell is that?

Deputy Doofy:
My ass!

Shorty:
I'm on TV! Oh sh*t! First "Cops" now this? Oh, man, I'm gonna be a star, son!

Reporter #1:
What can you tell us about the victim?

Shorty:
Well, she had the phat ass! It was like *bang*!

Reporter #2:
How close were you to the victim?

Shorty:
*Real* close. Until the roofies wore off. Then she woke up and talked about pressing charges so I just pulled my tongue out of her ass and left.

Reporter #1:
What would've been your last words to Drew?

Shorty:
Run, b*tch, run!

Greg:
I'll grab one arm.

Bobby:
I'll grab the other arm.

Ray:
I'll grab his ass.

Cindy's Dad:
I thought I heard screaming in here!

Cindy Campbell:
No, no daddy.

Cindy's Dad:
No, Maybe it could have been the crack I smoked earlier.

Drew Decker:
That's not my boyfriend! I mean, I f***ed him a couple of times, but that's it.

Drew Decker:
What do you want?

The Killer:
To see what your insides look like.

Drew Decker:
Well, then turn to page 54.

Gail Hailstorm:
What can you tell us about the victim?

Shorty:
Well, she had a phat ass! It was like BANG!

Shorty:
Yo, man. It's like I seen all this sh*t before.

Cindy Campbell:
They had a killer at you high school, Shorty?

Shorty:
No, it was in that movie- Scream. Same dialogue everything. That sh*t is ill!

Bobby:
That girl, Drew Decker, got killed last night.

Ray:
Hey, I think I knew her. She had a brother, Steve. Long hair, pretty little blonde, perfect ass.

Bobby:
That was her!

Ray:
No, I was talking about her brother, Steve.

Bobby:
You hear, Drew got killed last night?

Ray:
wait, she had a brother right, Steve?

Bobby:
Yeah.

Ray:
Yeah? Long hair, pretty little mouth, perfect ass?

Bobby:
Yep, that was her.

Ray:
Nah, I'm talking about Steve. Whatever happened to him?

Shorty:
I'm on TV! Oh sh*t! First Cops now this! I'm gonna be a star, son!

Cindy Campbell:
Someone murdered my friends!

Cindy's Dad:
Yeah! And the sick bastard planted drugs all over the house!

Cindy Campbell:
Greg, you're not the only one who got one.

Greg:
What do you mean, Bobby's got a baby-dick too?

Cindy Campbell:
No, the note.

Cindy Campbell:
You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!

Ray:
No, Cindy! Watching TV shows don't create psycho killers. Canceling TV shows creates psycho killers!

Gail Hailstorm:
How close were you to the victim?

Shorty:
Oh, real close. 'Til the Roofies wore off, then she woke up and was all talking 'bout pressing charges. So, I pulled my tounge out of her ass and left.

Gail Hailstorm:
I'm going to try and get a glimpse of Cindy Campbell, the young girl who was attacked earlier this evening... You're on my foot, fat sh*t!

Cameraman Kenny:
Sorry, G...

Gail Hailstorm:
What did I say?

Cameraman Kenny:
Don't ever step on Gail's shoes.

Gail Hailstorm:
Why not?

Cameraman Kenny:
Because Gail wears Prada shoes.

Gail Hailstorm:
You idiot.

Cameraman Kenny:
I'm a bad man.

Shorty:
Yo' mama!

Brenda:
You're my brother, it's the same thing jackass!

Shorty:
Oh yeah, well then yo' fatha!

Brenda:
Yeah? Well, I don't know him!

Miss Mann:
The police have asked us to give you the following safety tips: Stay well at area, never travel alone whenever possible, ALWAYS wipe front to back, and remember, never EVER believe someone when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair will rid you of crab infestation.

Killer:
[on the phone, looking at a porn magazine] I wanna see what your insides look like.

Drew:
Well... well then, turn to page 54.

Killer:
[flips page, then turns it over] Oh... hey, nice!

Drew:
Listen a**hole, you've had your fun and you better stop or else!

Killer:
Or else what?

Drew:
Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute, and he's black and he'll kick your ass!

Killer:
Oh, really?

Drew:
Yeah!

Killer:
You mean the one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman?

Drew:
How'd you know?

Killer:
Turn on the patio lights. [man dressed like Prince is tied up.]

Man:
Help! Help!

Drew:
That's not my boyfriend! I mean, I f***ed him a couple of times, but that's it.

Cindy's Dad:
What's going on in there? Ah, ow, ow, Daddy's head is stuck, unstick Daddy's head, ow...

Cindy:
Dad, can you knock?

Cindy's Dad:
Knock? I thought I heard screaming in here!

Cindy:
No, no, you didn't, Dad.

Cindy's Dad:
Oh, it must have been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess.

Cindy:
Yeah.

Cindy's Dad:
Look, I gotta leave town for a couple days, okay? No big deal, it's just that you know, that new business that I started with those plumbing guys.

Cindy:
Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar!

Cindy's Dad:
Yeah, yeah, that's right. Well, there's a problem, some money went missing and apparently some legs are gonna get broken, eh, it's just better if I lay low for a couple days. Now, if the cops raid the place...

Cindy:
I never heard of you.

Cindy's Dad:
And don't forget...

Cindy:
To flush your stash.

Cindy's Dad:
Oh, you are my little girl, I love you so much. And I left you a little something in the coffee can.

Cindy:
Dad...

Cindy's Dad:
But, remember you have to step on it before you sell it. Now what are you gonna cut it with?

Cindy:
Umm, baking...

Cindy's Dad:
Baking soda, not baking powder. 'Cause baking powder guys will have muffins growing out of their noses.

Cindy:
[giggles] Dad...

Cindy's Dad:
You love that joke, honey. You've loved that joke since you were 2 years old. Okay, well...

Cindy:
Have a good trip.

Cindy's Dad:
Bye.

Cindy:
Bye.

Buffy:
Well, I'm much more of a people person. I'd rather feed all the hungry little children of the world and much rather help my fellow man than some animal.

[A homeless man approaches.]

Homeless Man:
Spare a dollar?

Buffy:
Eww! Get away from me, you bum!

Cindy:
Buffy!? Can't you see that he's just hungry?

(Cindy gives the man a sandwich from her lunch bag.)

Cindy:
Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.

Homeless Man:
I said a dollar, b*tch!

(The homeless man hits Cindy in the back of the head with the sandwich.)

Cindy:
Ow!

Heather:
That's what's so important about the First Amendment. It gives us the right to say what we want without fear of retaliation.

(The teacher smacks Heather and knocks her down.)

Teacher:
Oh, shut the f*** up!

Doofy:
(to runners) Hey! Slow it down!

Runner:
Blow me!

Doofy:
All right.

Cindy:
Wait, shouldn't we check his wallet?

Buffy:
For what?

Brenda:
Sh*t, he might have some money. We already committed murder, we might as well rob his ass!

Bobby:
Good idea, I'll take credit cards!

Brenda:
I want the jewelry!

Ray:
I'm-a take his drawers!

The Killer:
Do you know where I am?

Cindy:
Um, you're, you're behind the couch...

Killer:
What?! How do you know that?

Cindy:
I can um, see your feet.

The Killer:
Oh, f***! Okay, turn around, close your eyes, no peeking! (The Killer hides under the rug, but then gets up)

(Cindy turns around)

The Killer:
Hey, hey, hey! Turn around! No peeking!

(Cindy quickly turns back around)

The Killer:
(hides behind the curtain with his hook hanging out) Okay, now turn around. Now, do you know where I am? Ha ha ha, you don't, do you?

Cindy:
No, Mr. Killer, I don't know where you are...

The Killer:
I'll give you a big clue! (The Killer pops back out)

(Cindy screams and runs)

The Killer:
(chases her and trips) Oh, I gotta stop drinking.

Gail:
All right, who copped a feel?

Kenny:
Gail, it was me.

Gail:
Oh my God.

Kenny:
It was an accident Gail! I only touched the-the top of the breast. It was so tender and juicy-

Gail:
SHUT UP!

Buffy:
Doofy! Mom said get home now.

Doofy:
Tell Mom I'm on official police business.

Buffy:
Cindy, you okay?

Doofy:
Hey, hey, hey! No talking to the witness!

Buffy:
Go get in the car, Doofy, she's coming with us.

Doofy:
Does Mom know?

Buffy:
Yeah, Doofus!

Doofy:
Mom says when I wear this badge your supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

Buffy:
Yeah, well, Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!

All The Police Officers:
Yeah! Ha ha! (laughing at Doofy and clapping)

Gail:
Have they located Cindy Campbell's father?

Sheriff:
No.

Gail:
Isn't he a suspect?

Sheriff:
That is classified information! Where are you getting that?

Gail:
I'm sorry. My sources is strictly confidential.

Doofy:
Hey, Gail. (To the crowd) Gail swallows!

Cindy:
Why are you doing this, Bobby?

Bobby:
Why?! WHY?! You hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive. Did "Scream" have a plot?

Ray:
No.

Bobby:
Did "I Know What You Did Last Summer" make any sense? Don't think so! What the hell's with the sequel, huh? What the hell's with that fat, white Jamaican guy?

Ray:
Ah, I want to kill that motherf***er, man.

Cindy:
It's just bad casting, Bobby...

(Ray is stabbing Bobby)

Cindy:
You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!

Ray:
No! Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers... cancelling TV shows does! (continues to stab Bobby with more violence) The Wayans Brothers was a good show, man! It was a good-ass show! And we didn't even get a final episode!

Shorty:
[laughs] Yo, if y'all are watching this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. If I'm a prisoner or worse, dead. Anyhow, I'm gonna tell you the rules to survive this situation. Rule number 1: you gotta be quick. Rule number 2: DON'T fall down. And rule number 3: whatever you do, NEVER LOOK BACK! Y'all wish me luck... SNATCH AND RUN, Y'ALL!

Gail Hailstorm:
[reporting live while a student is in the background fooling around] Hello, I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book "You're Dead, I'm Rich". A small college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened. A brutal killing spree that left one teen dead... that's it! [pulls out a gun and shoots the student]... two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred.

Greg:
A small dick's like a disability, man! Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair?! Huh? Where are you, you sick f***?! I'll kick the sh*t outta you, all right?! It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at!

Sheriff:
[At a press conference] Let me just say that the killing of these teens has been tragic, but, uh... hey, you know, sh*t happens.