Scream Queens

Scream Queens

Scream Queens may refer to: Scream Queens (2008 TV series), an American reality series Scream Queens (2015 TV series), an American horror-comedy anthology series

Year:
2015
16,930 Views

Chanel #5:
[Chanel Oberlin is showing the other Chanels her Jackie Kennedy Halloween costume] Oh my God! Why are you so depressed?

Chanel Oberlin:
My husband was shot in Dallas, idiot! For this year's Halloween, the Chanels will be going as the wives of fallen presidents. I am Jackie Kennedy. Number Six, you will be going as the emotionally fragile Ida McKinley, whose husband was felled by an anarchist's bullet. [Number Six nods] Number Three, you will be going as the homely and religious Lucretia Garfield, the bereaved wife of President James Garfield.

Chanel #3:
Hold up. No way. Why do I have to be the homely one?

Chanel Oberlin:
There's only so many murdered presidents, Number Three!

Chanel #3:
What about Mary Todd Lincoln?

Chanel Oberlin:
Number Five is Lady Lincoln, obvi.

Chanel #5:
Wait, what do you mean "obvi"?

Chanel Oberlin:
[Pointing at Chanel #5] Just a second, nutbag. [to Chanel #3] If you're gonna be a pain about it, I guess we could open it up to presidents who were *almost* assassinated. So, you can either be Betty Ford, which means you'll have to get wasted and stay wasted all night or you can be alleged Hollywood mattress, Nancy Reagan.

Chanel #3:
Dibs. I'm Nancy Reagan.

Chanel #5:
Wait. Why am I Mary Todd Lincoln?

Chanel Oberlin:
God, do I have to spell it out for you? You're out of your frigging gourd, Number 5. You're a weird, psycho lunatic, who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere, staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can. You're a Mary Todd Lincoln if ever there was one.

Chanel #5:
That's it! I can't take this anymore!

Chanel Oberlin:
That is *such* a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say.

Chanel Oberlin:
-ATTENTION ALL USELESS KAPPA SLUTS –

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you’ve overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you’re asking yourself “DERRR, wait, I’m confused, is Chanel talking to ME? Am I a useless Kappa slut?” -- Simply ask yourself the following question aloud:
“IS MY NAME CHANEL #3, CHANEL #5, CHANEL #6, OR ZAYDAY WILLIAMS?” Because if the answer to that is “YES”, then FELICITATIONS! THIS MISSIVE IS FOR YOU!!

So, do you all remember when we all agreed to meet at the campus pool and kill the Dean and I got you all awesome new phones so that when it came time to meet the phone would light up a certain colour and when it did you didn’t even have to answer it! You just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool?

And then do you remember NOT coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple than an orangutan could have figured it out. Like, literally, a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone, sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical Lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny motorized Shriners car and driven to the pool like I asked.

Do you remember any aspect of this SUPER-SIMPLE PLAN? That’s not a rhetorical question - I’m literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process ANY OF MY SUPER-SIMPLE ORANGUTAN-LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS, because what I remember is that NONE OF YOU SHOWED UP, which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself like a GRADE-A ASSHAT with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super-awkward convo with her where I was like, “Oh derrr, I just like bringing enormous chains to pools.” And I looked like a total div.

I don’t entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your Chapter President drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called “Liquid Gold Colonics for Young Sluts”. Like, if you were doing literally anything else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized. I’m not being facetious. I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA.

You four trollops are the worst specimens of human beings ever born and you all should REALLY watch your backs because if this serial killer targeting Kappa house doesn’t chop off your heads, I’M GOING TO DO IT!! So I can sell your tiny whore brainpans to science.

Sincerely,

Chanel Oberlin


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