Shoot 'Em Up

Mr. Hertz:
I was just remembering a limerick. "There once was a woman who was quite begat. She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat. She said it was fun in the breeding, but found it was hell in the feeding when she saw there was no tit for Tat." You have caused me no end of trouble, but now I shall return the favor. Tit for tat, right?

Mr. Hertz:
Does anyone know what a Jimmy Cagney love scene is? It's when Cagney lets the good guy live. [lobby of henchmen laugh] And if that happens in this show, I'm gonna do a lot more than ask for my money back.

Mr. Hertz:
My God. Do we really suck, or is this guy really that good?

Mr. Hertz:
(upon seeing he ran over a robotic decoy of Oliver) What in the hell is that? Oh, my God, that is twisted. That sick son of a b*tch. That sick son of a b*tch suckered us again!

Mr. Hertz:
Oh, c'mon, Mr. Smith. Guns don't kill people, [grins] but they sure do help!

Mr. Hertz:
(On a cell phone, while aiming a gun at Smith) I can't talk right now, honey. I'm right in the middle of something.

Mr. Hertz:
[Reading a profile on Smith] National sports pistol champion at age 10. Recruited by the army. Then he disappeared. Sound like black ops got him and trained him.

Mr. Hertz:
Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun.

Mr. Hertz:
The leader who stays in the rear, takes it in the rear. Besides, violence is one of the most fun things to watch.

Smith:
(repeated) You know what I hate?

Smith:
(after using a Walther PPK) What a piece of crap.

Smith:
F*** you, you f***ing f***ers.

Smith:
(after ramming a carrot through the back of a guy's head) Eat your vegetables.

Smith:
This is an M-24 tank. You'll be safe from gunfire and most explosives.

Smith:
(Teaching Oliver about guns) This is the business end. You should never point this at anything you don't intend to kill.

Smith:
You didn't know about my Nobel Prize?

Smith:
You know what I really hate? What I really hate, is a p*ssy with a gun in his hand.

Smith:
(after having shot Hammerson with his own gun) Aren't guns just f***ing great, Hammerson?

Smith:
We could call him Oliver. Like Oliver Twist.

DQ:
Because he's an orphan?

Smith:
Because I liked the book.

DQ:
You liked the book?

Smith:
I didn't hate it.

DQ:
That's a first.

DQ:
Why don't you take this baby to the police?

Smith:
I can't go to the police.

DQ:
Why not?

Smith:
I'm the Unabomber.

DQ:
They caught the Unabomber.

Smith:
That's what they think.

[After a bloody gun battle, Smith and DQ are walking through the streets.]

DQ:
(Ranting at Smith in Italian)

Smith:
I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize.

Smith:
Want to know the difference between this luxury car and a porcupine?

DQ:
I give up.

Smith:
With the car, the pricks are on the inside.

DQ:
Tell me about it.

Smith:
Talk about shooting your load.

Hammerson:
Do you know why Americans love guns? And it's got nothing to do with all that phallic mumbo-jumbo, "cocking your gun." No, Hertz, people love guns because America is a land of opportunity where a poor man can become rich and a p*ssy can become a tough guy, if he's got a gun in his hand. Now, I'm hoping you're not just a p*ssy with a gun in your hand.

Hertz:
Oh no, sir, no I am not. No, I'm a tough guy with a p*ssy in my hand.

Hertz:
Do you know why a gun is better than a wife?

Man Who Rides Shotgun:
Dunno.

Hertz:
Well, you can put a silencer on a gun.

(Smith has just killed everyone in the hotel room while simultaneously having sex with DQ)

Smith:
Talk about shooting your load.

Hertz:
Tell me where the woman and the child are. (grabs Smith's ring finger) Tell me, or I will be forced to cause you...considerable agony.

Smith:
Believe me... nothing could be more agonizing than to listen to you jabberin' on and on.

Smith:
F*** you, you f***ing f***ers.