Simon & Simon

Rick Simon:
Alright, let's put this thing into perspective. Now, correct if I'm wrong, OK? but this is how I got this thing figured. What we have here is a whole bunch of people with no money who go out and buy brand new cars just after they die. Is that pretty much the way you got it figured?

A.J. Simon:
That's pretty much the way I've got it figured, yeah. And what, I ask myself, has Terry Hudson got to do with all of this?

Rick Simon:
If he's dead, he probably just bought a new car.

[Rick & A.J. seek a restraining order against an ex-con they helped put in jail]

A.J. Simon:
Town, the guy is clearly here to make trouble, and he's carrying a grudge the size of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Rick Simon:
Tell him about the cantaloupe.

A.J. Simon:
Oh, yes! Somebody broke into my house yesterday and sliced up a cantaloupe that I had in my refrigerator.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
This *is* serious.

A.J. Simon:
Town, we can take care of ourselves, but when it comes to threatening our mother, yes it is serious.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
OK look, let's go over the evidence here. Now your mother invited this man into her house for a party and Rick jumped him, right?

Rick Simon:
That's right.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
Ah-ha. And you found some cut-up fruit in your refridgerator. Oh, I'll think of something.

Brad Daniels:
You look like a straight-ahead guy, I'll get right to the point. A contract has been taken out on my life.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
Who took it out on you?

Brad Daniels:
I did.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
What did you do to get into so much trouble with yourself?

[Rick & A.J. are trying to talk Town into letting them look at a car in the police impound]

Rick Simon:
Town, now this assignment you got, it's probably gonna be very tiring, right? And you could use a rest... well we're gonna be doing a big celebration when this is all over, y'know, we're gonna do a kind of a blow-out weekend over in Vegas... why don't you kinda tag along with us, y'know, we'll comp you to the Robert Goulet show... it'll be great.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
Robert Goulet? If you're gonna bribe me, at least make it interesting. I'll give you half an hour.

Rick Simon:
Barry Manilow.

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
20 minutes.

A.J. Simon:
Uh... Wayne Newton!

Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown:
10 minutes.

Rick Simon:
[to nurse at Mental Hospital where he and AJ are being held by the villian] Take me to my brother or I'll do something Alfred Hitchcock never dreamed of.

Bud Krelman:
[walks into Rick and A.J.'s office] Hiya boys!

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Uncle Buddy! How nice to see you. What can we do for you?

Bud Krelman:
[shakes Rick's hand] Rick, nice to see ya boy. A.J., [proceeds to shake A.J.'s hand and notices a shiner and bandage over his eye] holy mackerel! [clears his throat] I want to hire you fellas. Edie's been cheatin' on me. She just ripped off our joint bank account for five grand and I need your help. I want a divorce.

Rick Simon:
[scene cuts to all three walking outside on a sidewalk and a small footbridge] Well, we'd love to help you out Bud but don't you think there's a little bit of conflict of interest here? I mean we are working for Edie.

Bud Krelman:
Well, you guys are the only d*cks I know. [short pause] I mean investigators. Anyway, we both got the same lawyer.

Cecilia Simon:
Oh, hello dear. I'm Cecilia.

Christy Huggins:
Christy.

Cecilia Simon:
Are you a friend or a client?

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Friend.

Christy Huggins:
Client.

Cecilia Simon:
A.J. where are your manners? Aren't you going to offer Christy something?

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Of course. Would you like something?

Christy Huggins:
Perrier, please.

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
[snaps finger] We just ran out.

Christy Huggins:
Nevermind.

Cecilia Simon:
Will club soda be alright?

Christy Huggins:
It's not the same.

Cecilia Simon:
No, of course not. It just tastes the same.

Girl going to class:
Professor Altman is wonderful. He's really with it, if you know what I mean. Totally. He gave us a lecture on The Who.

Rick Simon:
Who?

Girl going to class:
Right.

Rick Simon:
[after impatiently waiting for his brother's arrival] You sure are slow, A.J. Guess that's why mom had you second. [Giggles]

Medical Examiner Jerry Reiner:
[Poking and prodding Rick on the examination table] How does that feel?

Rick Simon:
How does what feel?

Medical Examiner Jerry Reiner:
[Looks to A.J] I'm not really used to talking to my patients.

Rick Simon:
[Recovered from his delusions] I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm go over there and give Altman a little test of my own, a little five-finger exercise [clenching fist] . Him and Jolly Roger filling me full of joy juice!

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Well, it's nice to have him back.

Oldtimer #1 in Saloon:
You don't look like no coppers to me.

A.J. Simon:
Private eyes.

Oldtimer #1 in Saloon:
I hate private eyes. You replaced all the Westerns on my TV.

[in camouflage and face paint, Rick and A.J. are on a stakeout of a nudist colony for a client with a missing person case]

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
[Rick is peering through binoculars] What do you see?

Rick Simon:
Two heavily-armed naked guys.

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Heidi wasn't kidding when she talked about security, was she?

Rick Simon:
Oh, great. They got a dog. He's naked too.

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Alright Rick, you can admit it. You think nudity is dirty, don't you?

Rick Simon:
No I don't. Not if it's done right. It's just... nudity is something that ought to be done in private. You know, between two people... in the privacy of their own home... and a magazine.

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Rick?

Rick Simon:
Yeah?

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
If you weren't my brother, I'd be afraid to be sitting here alone in the bushes with you.

Rick Simon:
Did you know, that if you left a head of lettuce, unwrapped in the refrigerator, that it would disappear completely within two to three months?

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
[finds Rick at his desk with his feet up, reading a paperback] Catching up on our Proust, are we?

Rick Simon:
Oh, this is great stuff! It's the story of the nymphomaniac owner of a Hollywood boutique, daughter of an escaped Nazi war criminal who has left her a haunted Mercedes, which may or may not contain the soul of Adolf Hitler.

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Someone published that?

Rick Simon:
Are you kidding me? It's thirteen weeks on the New York Times bestseller list!

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon:
Why am I surprised?