Singin' in the Rain

Cosmo Brown:
What's this one about?

Don Lockwood:
It's a French revolution story...

Cosmo Brown:
Let me guess. You're a French aristocrat, she's a simple girl of the people, and she won't even give you a tumbrel. Hah!

Lina:
Oh Donny! You couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy bit!

Don Lockwood:
Meet the greatest actor in the world! I'd rather kiss a tarantula.

Lina:
You don't mean that.

Don Lockwood:
I don't - - Hey Joe, get me a tarantula.

Lina:
What's wrong with the way I talk? What's the big idea? Am I dumb or something?

Don Lockwood:
Now listen, R.F., the owner of the Coconut Grove may do what Lina tells him to, but you're the head of this studio.

R.F. Simpson:
That's right, I'm the head of this studio. She's hired! But don't let Lina know she's on the lot.

Lina Lamont:
Gee, this wig weighs a ton! What dope'd wear a thing like this?

Rosco:
Everybody used to wear them, Lina.

Lina Lamont:
Well, then everybody was a dope.

Cosmo Brown:
Sure! Make a musical! The new Don Lockwood: he yodels! He jumps about to music!

Don Lockwood:
I'm no actor. I never was. Just a bunch of dumb show. I know that now.

Cosmo Brown:
Well, at least you're taking it lying down.

Don Lockwood:
No. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as ridiculous as me on that screen tonight?

Cosmo Brown:
Yeah, how about Lina?

Don Lockwood:
All right. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. I'm through, fellas.

Kathy:
Don, you're not through!

Cosmo Brown:
Why of course not. Why, with your looks and figure, you could drive an ice wagon or shine shoes!

Kathy:
Block hats!

Cosmo Brown:
Sell pencils!

Kathy:
Dig ditches!

Cosmo Brown:
Or worse still, go back to vaudeville.

Cosmo Brown:
Lina. She can't act, she can't sing, she can't dance. A triple threat.

Don Lockwood:
Cosmo, call me a cab.

Cosmo Brown:
OK, you're a cab.

Cosmo Brown:
Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony.

R.F. Simpson:
You're not out of job, we're putting you in as head of our new music department.

Cosmo Brown:
Oh, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony.

Lina Lamont:
Why, I make more money than - than - than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!

Lina Lamont:
"People"? I ain't "people." I am a - "a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament."

Lina Lamont:
If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'. Bless you all.

Kathy Selden:
Now look, Miss Lamont, Don and I...

Lina Lamont:
Don? Don't you *dare* call him Don! I was calling him Don before you were born! I mean...

Don Lockwood:
Dignity. Always, dignity.

R.F. Simpson:
Lina, you were gorgeous!

Cosmo Brown:
Yeah, Lina, you looked pretty good for a girl.

Don Lockwood:
Now Lina, you've been reading all those fan magazines again! Now look Lina, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil Dora Bailey and the columnists dish out. Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air.

Don Lockwood:
What's the matter with that girl? Can't she take a gentle hint?

Cosmo Brown:
Well haven't ya heard? She's irresistible. She told me so herself.

Lina Lamont:
Don't you call him "Don"! I've been calling him Don since before you were born! I mean... I mean...

Cosmo Brown:
Long people have short faces. Short people have long faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.

Cosmo Brown:
What's the first thing an actor learns? "The show must go on!' Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show MUST go on!

Kathy:
You keep away from me! Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me!

Cosmo Brown:
You have to show a movie at a party. It's a Hollywood law.

Lina:
You mean it's going to say on the screen that I don't talk and sing for myself?

Cosmo Brown:
The price of fame. You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no fame, I've got no glory, I've got no big mansions, I've got no money! But I've got - what have I got?

Don Lockwood:
I don't know, what have you got?

Cosmo Brown:
I gotta get out of here.

Lina Lamont:
Tay, Tey, Tye, Tow, Tyo.

Lina Lamont:
And I cayn't stand'im.

Lina Lamont:
And I cayn't stand'im.

Lina Lamont:
Cayn't.

Lina Lamont:
Cayyyyn't

Don Lockwood:
Which of my pictures have you seen?

Kathy:
I don't remember. I saw one once.

Don:
You saw one once?

Kathy:
Yes, I think you were dueling and there was that girl—Lina Lamont. I don't go to the movies much. If you've seen one you've seen them all.

Don:
Well, thank you.

Kathy:
Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses, but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean, they don't talk. They don't act. They just make a lot of dumb show... Well, you know, [demonstrates] like that.

Don:
You mean like what I do?

Kathy:
Well, yes!

Don:
Hey Cos, do something, call me a cab.

Cosmo:
OK, you're a cab.

Don:
Well, we movie stars get the glory. I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it. People think we lead lives of glamour and romance, but we're really lonely - terribly lonely.

Kathy:
I don't go to the movies much - if you've seen one, you've seen them all...Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses, but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean, they don't talk. They don't act. They just make a lot of dumb show...

...

Kathy:
Acting means great parts, wonderful lines, speaking of glorious words, Shakespeare, Ibsen.

Don:
Words, tell me, what's your lofty mission in life that lets you sneer at my humble profession?

Kathy:
I'm an actress.

Don:
What?...

Kathy:
On the stage.

Don:
Oh, on the stage. Well, I'd like to see you act. What are you in right now? I could brush up on my English, or uh, bring along an interpreter, that is, if they'd let in a movie actor.

Kathy:
Well, I'm not in a play right now, but I will be. I'm going to New York.

Don:
Oh, you're going to New York and then some day we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear. You'll have to wear a beard for that one, of course.

Kathy:
Oh, you can laugh if you want to, but at least the stage is a dignified profession.

Don:
[scoffing] Dignified profession!

Kathy:
And what do you got to be so conceited about? You're nothing but a shadow on film, a shadow. You're not flesh and blood.

Don:
Oh, no? [He moves closer to kiss her amorously]

Kathy:
Stop! [She pushes him away]

Don:
What can I do to you? I'm only a shadow.

Kathy:
You keep away from me. Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me.

Don:
Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester. And you. You are TOO far above me. Farewell, Ethel Barrymore! I must tear myself from your side. [Kathy then laughs hysterically as Don's suit rips while he gets out of her car]

R.F. Simpson:
The public is screaming for more...talking pictures...Every studio is jumping on the bandwagon, Dexter. All the theatres are putting in sound equipment. We don't want to be left out of it.

Cosmo:
Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony.

R.F. Simpson:
You're not out of a job, we're putting you in as head of the new music department.

Cosmo:
Well, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony.

R.F. Simpson:
Don, it'll be a sensation! "Lamont and Lockwood: they talk!"

Lina Lamont:
[with a voice to peel paint] Well of course we talk. Don't everybody?

[Simpson, Don, and Cosmo look back at Lina, worried.]

Rod:
Lina, you're a beautiful woman. Audiences think you've got a voice to match. The studio's gotta keep their stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.

Cosmo:
Nobody's got that much money.

Roscoe Dexter:
All right, here we go! QUIET!! ROLL 'EM!!

Lina Lamont:
Oh, Pierre! You shouldn't have come!

Recorder:
She's gotta talk into the mike. I can't pick it up.

Roscoe Dexter:
CUT!!

Don Lockwood:
What's the matter, Dexter?

Roscoe Dexter:
It's Lina! Look, Lina, don't you remember? I told you. There's a microphone right there in the bush.

Lina Lamont:
Yeah.

Roscoe Dexter:
You have to talk into it.

Lina Lamont:
I was talking. Wasn't I, Mrs. Dinsmore?

Dinsmore:
Yes, my dear. But please remember, round tones. "Pierre, you shouldn't have come!"

Lina Lamont:
"Pierre, you shouldn't have come!"

Dinsmore:
Yes, yes, my dear. That's much better.

Roscoe Dexter:
Hold it a second! Now, Lina, look. Here's the mike, right here in the bush.

Lina Lamont:
Yeah!

Roscoe Dexter:
Now you talk towards it. The sound goes through the cable to the box. A man records it on a big record in wax. But, you have to talk into the mike first. In the bush! Now, try it again.

Lina Lamont:
Gee, this is dumb.

Don Lockwood:
She'll get it, Dexter. Lina, don't worry. We're all a little nervous on the first day. Everything's gonna be okay. Oh, Roscoe! You know the scene where I say, "Imperious princess of the night?" I don't like those lines there. Is it okay if I say what I always do? "I love you, I love you, I love you!"

Roscoe Dexter:
Sure. Anyway, it's comfortable. BUT, INTO THE BUSH!! Okay, again! QUIET!! ROLL 'EM!!

Lina Lamont:
Oh, Pierre, you shouldn't have come! You're flirting with danger. You'll surely find you out.

Roscoe Dexter:
CUT!! Lina, you're missing every other word. You've got to talk into the mike!

Lina Lamont:
Well, I can't make love to a bush!!

Roscoe Dexter:
Alright, alright! We'll have to think of something else.

[During a test screening of "The Duelling Cavalier," with Don playing Pierre and Lina playing Yvonne]

Yvonne:
Oh, Pierre! You shouldn't have come. You are flirting with danger! They will surely find you out. Your head is much too valuable!

Roscoe Dexter:
[to R.F.] She never could remember where the microphone was, boss.

Pierre:
T'was Cupid himself who called me here. And I, smitten by his arrow...

[Pierre begins exaggeratedly moving around the set, and addresses his dialogue to the camera rather than Yvonne, causing the audience laughter to drown out his dialogue]

Yvonne:
The night is full of our enemies. [lightly hits Pierre with her fan, generating several loud thuds]

Boy in audience:
Hey, Lina, what are you hitting him with? A blackjack?

Pierre:
I love you.

Yvonne:
Oh, Pierre...

Pierre:
[starts kissing Yvonne up her arm, as the audience laughter grows louder] I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!

Man in audience:
Did someone get paid for writing that dialogue?

[During a test screening of "The Duelling Cavalier," with Don playing Pierre and Lina playing Yvonne]

Pierre:
[out of sync] What's this? Yvonne!? Captured by Rogue Noir of the purple terror!? Oh, Oh, my sword! I must fly to her side! Yvonne, Yvonne, my own.

Yvonne:
Pierre will save me!! PIERRE!!

Noir:
Pierre is miles away, you wench! [Noir kisses Yvonne against her will] No, no, no!

Yvonne:
[Noir's voice] Yes, yes, yes!

Noir:
[Yvonne's voice] No, no, no!

Yvonne:
[Noir's voice. But the sound is getting lower] YES!! YES!! YES!!

Noir:
[Yvonne's voice. But it gets even way more lower and began to slow down] NO!! NO!! NO!!

Don Lockwood:
Ladies and Gentlemen. Stop that girl. That girl running up the aisle - stop her. That's the girl whose voice you heard and loved tonight. She's the real star of the picture. Kathy Selden.

Lina Lamont:
You mean it's gonna say up on the screen that I don't talk and sing for myself?...They can't do that!...They can't make a fool out of Lina Lamont. They can't make a laughingstock out of Lina Lamont. What do they think I am, dumb or something? Why I make more money than—than—than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!

Cosmo Brown: [singing] Moses supposes his toeses are roses But Moses supposes erroneously Moses he knowses his toeses aren't roses As Moses supposes his toeses to be.

Cosmo Brown:
[after Dexter says Talking Pictures will never amount to a thing] That's what they said about the "Horseless Carriage".

Kathy Selden:
You might as well know. I'm the one who hit Miss Lamont with a cake. [looks at Don angrily] Believe me, it was meant for Mr. Lockwood.